I am not to be blamed for the types of conversations that go on in my office, but let me qualify all statements herein: I share an office with two men.

Sam and Pat (How ambiguous are those names? You wouldn’t know they were men unless I said so.) have their moments where they do some whispering and laughing in that quiet way that says, “Ssshhhhh. Don’t let Kelly know what we’re talking about.” But they include me in the really good conversations and love me forever for introducing them to the sports-bra-bounce-factor video.

“Sam! Don’t do this! You already said she was just like your ex-wife. C’mon. This is an easy one to figure out, man.”

“Yeah, but I do like her. We had fun together.”

“Don’t be that guy. Don’t shoplift the pootie.”

“WHAT? I don’t think I even know what that means. What does it mean?”

“You haven’t seen Jerry Maguire? Geez. Do I have to explain everything?”

Whereupon, I do explain everything and then Pat walks in mid graphic conversation.

Surely Sam and I looked up sheepishly like children caught cussing for the first time and trying out the bad words in various phrases.

On another note, Morgan asked me last night about what the term ‘rape’ means. I couldn’t come up with anything that was satisfying his inquisitive albeit immature mind and he kept pressing me. Finally I just tried, “Forcing someone to have sex against their will” and he pushed even further about how you can force sex and when I was just about to answer he switched up on me.

“Wait! You know what I want to know?”

I begin to pray silently that he wonders how peanut butter is made or how many keys there are on a piano. Something I can be really creative in explaining.

“Do all blue sperm have tails, Mommy?”

“Blue sperm? OH! You mean a blue sperm whale?”

(Thank God! He wants to talk marine biology!)

“Well, the blue sperm they always show on our sex ed videos? And are they really blue? And where do they go? What happens to them? I’m talking about sex, Mom. Why are you bringing ocean animals into this?”

This is what sex has wrought. I suppose that somehow, in a twisted turn of events of the cosmic universe and the earth spinning off it’s axis, I deserve this.

Someone (who is helping me decipher the hidden language of cameras) did a nice thing. A really nice thing. Actually, that’s plural, but I won’t go into the lurid details. Mostly because it will just gnaw at you NOT to know what those other things are. He referred me to Boca Java to help earn some free coffee and gain more exposure (ummmm… the good kind).

Go here to see the sweet things he said about me. It can neither be confirmed nor denied if I blushed upon reading it. But I did so at work just before my officemate Sam walked by my desk after teaching a class. He wanted to show me his new website for his DJ company and we “talked shop” about music for a bit.

Where this nostalgia’s come from, I don’t know, but I’ve been in the mood for some 80’s Rap. So many people complain about music from the 80’s, but I have my weakness for it since it’s My Era. Lately, I’ve been listening to Run DMC, Sugar Hill Gang and Eric B and Rakim. When I mentioned a song we’d sing a few lines or he’d find it on his iTunes and play it in the office.

Kelly: Oh! You know what I want to hear? I’m in the mood for “If I Ruled the World”. Do you know that song?

Sam: Kind of. Who sang it?

Kelly: Kurtis Blow. Wait… I’m older than you are - do you even know who that is? (Silently hoping he says yes so I don’t feel so old.)

Sam: Not really. I’m not so much down with C. Blow. (This is him trying to sound cool, a common occurrence.)

Kelly: I figured as much. Know how I know this? BECAUSE IT’S K. BLOW.

The student has become the master.

Tagged by the inimitable and well-read Zeldafitz (who I’m having a blast reading, so check her out) as well as the incredible, boisterous Belinda (who is going to maul me at the BlogHer conference - this is already agreed upon and even encouraged) I must oblige these incredible writers who make a great read.

But…

…and this is a big butt, much like my own.

They must do mine as well. Are we all set ladies? Wonderful.

I Would, If I Could…

3 things you wish for (just for you)

1. A sabbatical from teaching while in another country. Preferably Portugal.
2. Substantial-sized, well-decorated loft in a progressive city.
3. Get my work published on my book on Allen.

3 things you would do to / for youself (if there was no one there to judge you)

1. Travel the world with my children while I taught them from my own curriculum.
2. Get hair extensions. Obscenely long.
3. Take dance lessons again.

3 bad habits you have

1. Taking advantage of that time of the month.
2. Making fun of the weddings in Sunday’s paper. Every week.
3. Cracking my knuckles.

3 insecurities you feel

1. That extra flab I keep around to protect my size 2 body - I don’t want it to get scratched. I’m protecting it.
2. My gummy smile on my crummy face. (Have you seen the size of my forehead? Geez.)
3. I keep wondering when everyone is going to realize I’m not as smart as I pretend to be.

3 talents / skills you wish you had

1. Organization and time management.
2. Playing an instrument like a violin or cello. God, the cello.
3. The ability to keep my mouth shut at crucial times.

3 things you would do if you had more time

1. Travel the world, one country per month.
2. Live on healthy foods, but damnit, it takes time to cut up all those vegetables. I want my diets easy. Like my men.
3. Take piano lessons again.

3 things that bring you peace / relaxation

1. Meditation.
2. Having my hair combed or played with.
3. Bubble baths with a glass of wine - all at Becky’s mansion in her McFabulous bathroom.

3 things that spark your creativity

1. Other creative people who are ok fulfilling the ideas I come up with; I need the do-ers around me to make them a reality.
2. Music that is of the utmost original. (Mostly classics or things with intense lyrics.)
3. Walking through an art gallery or art museum.

I’m tagging anyone with a birthday in the months January through December. Don’t let me down, you October people. I’m counting on you.

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