There are a myriad of things I wish people would have just told me so as to minimize the pain of dealing with crap later on.
For instance, couldn’t my mother have told me that I would have this coarse, black hair that would grow out of my face where no black hair should be?
That would have been nice.
It’s been a day of learning. Here are the results:
- When your laptop cancels all programs every time you open them up, it may have a virus. That’s entirely possible. Even on a Mac. Me and Jayne are not on speaking terms. It may have something to do with my calling her a
bitchstupid Crapple when she refused to do what I said. I will apologize to her when she gets out of the shop. - Quit always being the one who volunteers to put the Power Point slideshow together for group projects. See above.
- When your husband decides to go fishing in the evening and needs money to get some bait and you give him the last $10 bill from your purse, you won’t have any money for a snack during break from your class the next day. Asking the Type-A bitches for a loan is not advisable when you’ve alienated yourself.
- On your way to class, when your truck dings! at you and tells you that it’s low on gas, you should probably not curse the day you were born. God will take it as confirmation that you want to go to heaven right then and let you get in a near miss. With a train. To make His point, He might make you wait for another train on those same tracks on your way heading in the other direction. He’s funny that way.
- Don’t get upset about the zit on your face signaling the sloughing of the uterus. It’s better than the painful one on your thigh. Or your ass. I can neither confirm nor deny either of the latter zits. Sorry.
- When you’re trying to get sympathy for a crappy day and you visit your husband at his work, don’t underestimate his need to trump you on a shitty Monday. He will win.
- When your hair looks terrible and you decide to wrap it up in a scarf and look all urbane and hip, it’s best not to visit your husband’s job when he works at the hospital. People will think you’re a cancer victim who has lost her hair and give you sad, pathetic face each time they walk by you. Especially while waiting for him outside the Cancer Center. That would just be stupid.
- When the pedicure gal asks if you’ve been losing weight, don’t put too much faith in it. She’s really just been looking at your feet most of the time and may not have a good point of reference. Just remember that she’s crotch-level. Wait. Actually, that may be worth something.
I will just be happy for the crotch level compliment.
June 26, 2006 @ 2:20 pm | Filed under Uncategorized | Permalink |
Lisa Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 2:28 pm
Hee hee hee hee. Got to love the Mac, I have two of them myself.
Julie Ann Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 2:33 pm
I wish you luck the rest of the week.
Dana Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 2:36 pm
Here’s what I’m thinking — perhaps the ass coffee from below gave you the pimple? You could so SUE McDonald’s. I’d be lovin’ it!
So other than that, how are you? -winks and smiles at you-
GeekDaddy Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 2:57 pm
Now, now. Apples are perfectly peaceful and cooperative machines, being from the San Francisco Bay Area. They are quite forgiving and incapable of actually starting a fight or catching a cold. Unless you made some derogatory comment about Steve Jobs finally selling the last 5% of his soul to the devil and replacing his far superior RISC based processor chips with the infinitely inferior, albeit much cheaper, Intel chips and ruining Macs in the process. Then it’s likely to crash everything, corrupt your files, refuse to interface with any other product not made in Cupertino, California prior to 1994, say bad things about your mom, kick your dog and spit in your coffee.
But you didn’t do anything like that, did you?
Did you?
notafitbabe Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 3:48 pm
Sorry to hear you are having a Monday…. Now you are ready for a great rest of the week…
As for the ummmmmm unmentionables… eat chocolate…it can only cheer you up if nothing else…
Hugs
Jill
katy Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 5:11 pm
Not much to say, but this very funny post had me laughing out loud. That and the butt coming out of the coffee cup.
The no change thing is why you always must find some person (usually a man) to befriend in the wilds of the education jungle. How else will you beg for money?
KM
jube jubes Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 5:24 pm
sigh, ah yes, the monday one-up-er. i’ve got a friend like that, if my fish died, her dog got hit by a car. If i got a shitty hair cut, she got a bad die-job.
don’t worry mocha, i’ll be a shoulder to cry on… to prove this:
I’m sure you looked very hip, probably also trendy and bohemian. yes dear, of course you’ve lost weight (blogs eye view)
don’t worry about the zits, just put toothpaste on them, that’s suposed to help.
RW Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
Yeah. I get no crotch level compliments at all.
No don’t hit Submit
RW Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
Damn.
NursePam Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
Good golly you always make me laugh. I hope tomorrow is better. I could get a bunch of dykes on bikes together to take care of those type-A bitches for you. If you’re interested.
Stacy Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 7:24 pm
Why is it that husbands always try to trump your bad day? Mine does it all the time, except he’s in a nice cushy office with other adults and I’m stuck home with a cranky toddler all day.
Mocha Momma Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 8:07 pm
Lisa - I have a question for you. We also have 2 Macs but one is my daughters. It is an older version and the keyboard STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN and nothing can fix it. We call it Mr. Stinky. What’s up with that?
Julie Ann - Thank you so very much. I think the weight compliment had me on a high so I went and cycled to get those endorphines going. That helped.
Dana - You’re so kind to ask. Well, today I’m feeling…. HA. I almost fell for it. Actually, I’m endorphined!
GeekDaddy - Why, yes. Yes, I did do that. I can take the issue with my mom (and I write that KNOWING she only reads my entries and NOT my blogs!) and even my dog. But, why would you even go there with the coffee, dude? Not cool.
Jill - Will the chocolate add pimples? Because I can’t have any more in unmentionable places. That’s just so so wrong.
Katy - Got one. His name is Joe aka Work Husband. It’s a wonderful relationship.
jube jubes - First, love the name. So funny. Second, SO FUNNY in the comment “blogs eye view”. I like it!
RW - If you’re fishing for a crotch compliment, well, then… I suppose I could be baited into giving one. How about I do it on YOUR blog, though? Also, ummm… I loved that you still hit “submit”.
Pam - Hmmmmm… the dykes on bikes intrigues me. I’ll have some other jobs for them, too, which include this mean lady at my fitness center, the guy who tried intimidating a young friend of mine while we were working out (and who also hangs out at my favorite Panera in town) and this kid who tried to steal out of my husband’s car one time. I have a large backyard for tents and I make KILLER brownies. Nuts or no nuts? Get back to me.
Stacy - Normally, I win that argument when school’s in session for the kidlets, but when I “technically” have my summers off, I get no room to complain. Why so cranky? (The toddler, I mean)
Psycho Cyclist Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 8:25 pm
Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays.
Crotch level compliments are great. Can’t get enough of them. Not that you don’t deserve them (not that I would actually know…), but she might be wanting a large tip.
I can’t believe I typed “tip” and “crotch level compliment” in the same paragraph. Look what I’ve become…..
PointlessBallyhoo Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 8:44 pm
I’m sorry Jayne is giving you trouble. Didn’t you just have a problem with her?
My Monday was shitty, too. I think I’ll be having a shitty Tuesday, Wednesday…
BotchedExperiment Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 8:58 pm
This is EXACTLY why I had my uterus removed. I haven’t a monday/endometrial-shedding intersections since.
Botched
P.S. This entry put you over the top. I’ve added you to my “favorites”.
Josh Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 9:30 pm
All I can say is…DAMN!!! If Jayne was mine…I’d be threatening to send her flying out my second story balcony (I’ve threatened/cursed my laptop several times before) or use a hammer…which ever is closer
LOL…God is funny that way. He’ll make his point all right by scaring the crap out of you along the way.
auntteamals Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 10:52 pm
goodness. daniel powters song should be playing everywhere tonight! l o t s of bad days.
here’s to a terrific tuesday.
about chocolate…i think it could add (probably a myth) but you won’t care in your happy chocolate place.
jackt Said,
June 26, 2006 @ 11:08 pm
All compliments are crotch related in one way or another, directly or indirectly.
Tom Stormcrowe Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 4:12 am
Kelly, thanks for the compliment and the vote! It was much appreciated!
By the way, Psycho, looks like Kelly is contributing to your delinquency!
Beth Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 5:57 am
I dont even know what to do with the crotch level comment. But I am glad that it is looking thinner, very important to have a thin crotch.
Here’s to a better Tuesday.
BotchedExperiment Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 6:16 am
Beth, whether or not it is a good thing to have a thin crotch is highly (was gonna say “hugely” but I figured that was going too far) gender specific.
Botched
Mocha Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 6:55 am
So far, the Tuesday is shaping up nicely. It’s all the fun with the crotch jokes. Also, because one of my favorite commentors, Botched, has found his way here. Minus the uterus, which is good.
I can’t imagine a Botched with a uterus anyway.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 7:30 am
I’d take the skinny feet compliment and smile.
At lease she said you looked thinner.
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 7:38 am
Damn. Is it possible to cycle with someone over the internet - ’cause if it is, you and I’ve managed it babe.
Can I try to top your Monday?
-I have a co-worker who last week demanded an emergency meeting so that she could impressed upon all of us how important a particular project is (despite the fact that an integral team-member won’t be able to work on it for three to six months). But okay, I’m a team player so I drop everything and work on it non-stop for three straight days during with she sends me about 15 emails on the topic. When I finally email her back about the project and my progress, she says “Oh, that’s not a high priority…I’d rather you work on [insert three other projects she'd like to offload on me].” There are no words for what I think of this woman at the moment.
-I had a friend who lost a family member last week, so instead of flowers I suggested we make a donation to a charity. As a result one of our mutual friends accused me of trying to make myself look and feel better at the expense of my grieving friend’s pain. Yeah. ‘Cause that’s what I do all the time, dontcha know.
-Zits where no zits should be (Daggnabbit! I thought this stuff was supposed to stop at puberty. Those rassin-frassin dermatologists LIED to me…)
-Monthly friend surprises me early and brings with her cramps, headache, chills, exhaustion and excruciating back pain, so much so that I can’t sit still and actually have to leave work early.
-Tried Midol for the first time…which stopped the pain but made me feel like I was moving through 50 gallons of lime jello. That stuff should require a prescription.
-Overslept today. Trying to figure out which is better: being doped up on Midol and missing work or going to work in pain and risk doing bodily harm to the co-worker mentioned above.
Still pondering that one.
Juli Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 7:40 am
Gotcha beat sister. I’ve got poison ivy in the unmentionables, and no one is throwing any crotch level compliments my way. Of course, I’m not trying to one up you on your fabulous Tuesday; and I see it is btw.
Jayne is truly an innocent victim here, she’s just sick and not feeling very well. She has a virus and needs to see the doctor. I know how she feels. It’s just not her fault.
And Kenimus not being sympathetic??? Throw some of those socks at him and come out and play with your blogsters. He’s really only good for one or two things anyway.
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 8:55 am
What? Making coffee?
Oooooohhh. You mean that OTHER thing. Gotcha, Juli.
Cordaville Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 9:23 am
Now that’s funny, because it’s all true! Thanks for the chuckle today…..
Hugs,
Cordaville
Juli Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 9:40 am
I’m talking about taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. That is what he does isn’t it???
Ami Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 9:40 am
Wow! Not that’s a bad Monday! Hope things are shaping up for a better week.
Joe Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 10:56 am
And you forgot to mention missing our date in Delft. Or was that the only high point of Monday?
But, I still adore you!
MommyWithAttitude Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 11:19 am
It’s a running joke at our house that anytime I have a sickness or a pain, my husband happens to have the EXACT same thing… only his is SO MUCH WORSE. Makes me crazy!
SherrySherry Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 11:30 am
Hope your Tuesday is shaping up to be better than your Monday. That was too funny!
QoS Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 12:16 pm
This has absolutely nothing to do with anything you talked about…but…far be it from me to stay on topic.
Let’s just say at blogher you get an inappropriate comment from a male attending blogher. Would you A) deck him? B) verbally assault him C) Just laugh it off and go on partying.
YOu see, the Kasier and I have an ongoing dicussion about something. For the record, the male is NOT the Kaiser…although I have total faith that he will make MANY inappropriate comments.
My money is on someone getting hurt. But the Kaiser thinks pain will only be inflicted if there is actual touching.
Have I confused you enough yet?
Fabiola Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 1:47 pm
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for stoping by. We really had faith on our marriage decision. As we always say: We had more luck than good sense. But today I can say, we did the right thing.
I hope your week is shaping up nicely after a weird start.
Fabiola
babyoog Said,
June 27, 2006 @ 4:36 pm
Dude, what is UP with the black hairs. I could grow a goatee, I swear.
Mocha Momma » You Shouldn’t Mess With Me Said,
October 28, 2006 @ 3:10 pm
[...] When I made fun of my zits and the black hairs that mysteriously grow out of my chin. I mean, how unattractive! Eeewww. [...]