This is the point where my husband, who reads me while at work, has a lump in his throat. I’m not certain what his face looks like right now, but it was all worth it for that title.
Rendering my dear, darling Jayne (so named for this hottie, by the way) inoperable for the past two days was, indeed, due to something viral. Even blonde bombshells can get sick I suppose, but my sweet little Apple laptop is back home and has forgiven my transgressions. However, I’ve lost Firefox and MSN Messenger and Adobe Photoshop CS2. I’m too busy to be pissed about Adobe right now. Next week, I’m throwing a major tantrum. Ummm… July 7 to be exact. I like scheduling tantrums and psychotic episodes. Makes it easier on the family.
Even if you are not the Clicking Type, you should click that link because not only is she beautiful, but she looks like a real woman. She has hips and thighs and everything. Most women, myself included, look like women. I’m not 12. I don’t want to look 12. I will never look 12 again until I’m 92 when I’ve withered away to nothing and am hipless and flat-chested once again like a 12 year old. There are enough body issues out there and I won’t feed them and, frankly, I’m too busy to do so. I say this knowing that I promised to post a picture of myself in the $10 dress. Soon.
So you see, I didn’t want to talk sex. I wanted to talk sexy. Big difference between the two. To illustrate, I could get dolled up and get nothing out of my husband other than a You look nice said in a sing-song voice that I expected to get anyway. When I spend that much time getting ready all I want is some confirmation that my time was well spent.
The flip side of this is that on those days when I go makeup-less (which is nearly every day in the summer) I don’t really expect much at all and those are the times when a compliment can go a long way. Years ago, when I was wearing yellow rubber gloves and had on my cleaning attire of t-shirt and shorts and was really putting some elbow grease into my work, Ken stopped me and said, “My God. You’ve never looked sexier.” It wasn’t because I was cleaning either. It was because I was glowing and looked natural and was doing an everyday thing.
When women dress up they do look nice and perhaps the word would be “sexy” or “beautiful”, but for the most part, it’s not on those days when you look nice, it’s whether or not you feel sexy. So, what is sexy to you? That’s for you to define.
I found this hilarious thing when looking for a pretty picture of Jayne Mansfield and was fascinated for a little bit too long. I’m slightly embarrassed.
But, I recover quickly.
After all, I am human, and fallible and can even appreciate bathroom humor. As I was saying to Sarah the other day, “Sarah” says I. “How old will I be before farting is no longer funny?”
We could not come up with a definitive answer and are, thus, forced to become drinking buddies more experienced at the technical aspect of blogging when we meet at BlogHer next month.
The new update is that there is childcare for women who need it and a free yoga session for everyone who should desire it. I’m really glad about that so I can exercise away from home, but don’t expect to see me crying when I go to yoga.
I’ll more likely fart. How sexy is that?
June 28, 2006 @ 3:13 pm | Filed under Uncategorized | Permalink |
Latte Man Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 4:48 pm
You must put a disclaimer when pointing to addictive timer wasters like that garment-district thing.
May I say one thing in (feeble) defense of men that do not “gush enough” at a dressed up wife. There is a fine line (that we have yet to master) between expressing our admiration that garners a “Thank You” (the desired response) and the, “Oh, so what are you saying, I look like ____ the rest of the time” (which of course can spoil the mood for the evening). Not saying we are right, I’m just sayin’
EricAtRandom Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 4:56 pm
Just seconding Latte Man’s comment about the garment-district thing! Dang! She ain’t got nuttin’ on under that dress! Well, on top anyway.
Tom Stormcrowe Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 6:59 pm
Agreed with Latte Man, Kelly! We men walk a fine line and the response we often get is “Oh, you’re lying to me” if asked that deadly question, so we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t!
Tracey Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 7:06 pm
I strayed from Jayne and went to try to dress the fat lady. Nothing I did to her looked even remotely cute. Ya know, it’s pretty sad, but I can’t even recall the last time my husband told me I looked nice, let alone sexy…You are so lucky to have Ken!!
NursePam Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 7:10 pm
Thanks for playing Frustrate the Dyke, Mocha. She won’t stay naked. JoAnn Loulan used to say that high fashion is designed by [gay guys]for [gay guys] to wear. Well, she probably still says it but since she married a man I don’t think she gets many bookings on the lesbian comedy circuit any more. Jayne was a real woman.
krista Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 8:32 pm
fart
yoga
it happens
don’t let it stop you
Sadly blogher and I won’t meet.
(I visited your fibs, very nice)
Katy Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 8:59 pm
Very strange because I too blogged about farting today–is it a sign? Or perhaps farts will always be funny.
KM
jackt Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 9:43 pm
I heard that farting goes on during yoga! Is that true? How do you keep a straight face?! Even if you’re the one doing the farting!!!
Psycho Cyclist Said,
June 28, 2006 @ 10:48 pm
I have to agree with you about women having curves. No Kate Moss’ for me. Give me junk in the trunk and a nice rack. Wait, did I really just say that here?? Gosh, I’m blushing.
Julie Ann Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 4:04 am
I like the “Cuppa the Day” feature where it is currently placed. I think it looks sharp over there. It deserves its own space.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 4:49 am
I’ve been pondering this, and my Dad still thinks farts are hilarious and he’s 63, so we’ve got at least that long.
Dana Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 6:18 am
Oh Mochy…I am speechless today. You slay me!
BotchedExperiment Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 7:14 am
Psycho. . . Oh man. Junk in the trunk. That’s great!
I for one, have tended to stay away from commenting much about my wife’s appearance. If she gains a little weight, I try not to say anything, and if she loses a little weight, I don’t want to make a big deal of it, because it’s not.
Botched
notafitbabe Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 7:30 am
Great blog today… I aprreciate it more when mrfit says I am sexy when I am cleaning.
Farts and burps (which my kids think are funny as well) will never go out of funny stage… good thing too because they are a natural part of us… and we all need a good laugh (and a good fart) now and then.
Jill
Kfarm Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 7:53 am
You will be happy to know…I know you of all will appreciate this…I registered for school yesterday…yes sir, 44 and going for the Bachelors. I am blogging on this today
Alison Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 8:47 am
Mocha…
Funny funny funnnnnnnnyyyyy. Your posts are perennially funny. Just like farts. The difference being that were I to read your posts while lounging around under the duvet on my bed, they would still be funny, while farts, in the same situation, are decidedly UNfunny.
I, too, am a great fan of Jayne…as well as Marilyn. And a big fan of yours for the 12 and 92 comment you made on your blog. What a wonderful way to think of it.
Alison
p.s. oh, and Botched?…a simply perfect comment.
Ami Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 9:41 am
I’m laughing out loud! I think farts (and loud burps for that matter) are very funny. My boyfriend on the other hand thinks these are “guy things” and that I should keep them to myself. I’m slowly wearing him down on this by desensitizing him with tiny “girl burps” and itty bitty silent farts.
And as for sexy, I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks sexiness is more than being stick thin and typically beautiful.
Susan Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 9:42 am
*Sighing..*
Kelly, I wish that you had been my mom & dad! Then I wouldn’t have spent so much time wishing I looked like Twiggy after I went through puberty. I do wonder why the fashion industry decided to declare war on the female form? Aside from making us crazy and miserable, it also makes me for one hate to shop. Who decided that stick women were sexy? What’s up with that?
Nora Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 10:52 am
Thanks for the reminder of what real woman look like. Unfortunately the bumps and lumps are still way more than they should be on me. The new house has mirrored closet doors, I can’t help but see myself more often and I am thinking I need a make over, and a buttload of liposuction.
As far as laughing at farting goes, it will never go out of style, at least until beans are banned in 2025 because of the damage to the ozone layer. As many men my father is known to have some flatulence issues (and he has never done yoga to my knowlege.) I couldn’t help but giggle recently when he told me he was going to a Methane Gas fair. Then I asked if he was the main attraction. Can you believe he called me a smartass?
Nora
Miranda Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 11:01 am
So. True. I love that my husband always surprises me by saying I look sexy in the most random moments. That’s love, if it was only said when I was all sexified then it would be lust. That’s not the greatest foundation for a marriage, but you DO need a little lust every once in a while! ; ) Do you ever watch Law and Order: SVU? I LOVE that show. That’s her daughter, Mariska Hargitay. She strikes me as a “real” woman too, and the character she plays is a beautiful, strong woman; I love that.
Thanks for your email, I almost replied to it and was like “Whoa! Slow down the ponies. Don’t freak her out, we just met, I don’t think we’re ready for that yet….”
Thanks for the giggles,
Miranda
Brenda Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 11:07 am
This was so funny that I just about peed myself laughing. How sexy is that?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to catch up on your blog… your blog just gets better all the time, Mocha woman!
Ben Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 12:17 pm
At my blog, I list one of those “100 things about me” pages. One of those things is:
44. I think farts are funny. Every time.
So in short, for those curious, I doubt they will ever cease to be funny. Especially in awkward situations, like church, or funerals.
deannie Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 12:19 pm
I love what you write Mocha. Loved the virtual doll, it was fun. Farting is oh, so relieving. and so sexah!
Hugs,
Josh Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 12:54 pm
I think farting will always be funny…no matter how old you are. There are some older ones I know who can walk by and fart at the same time. It’s like they have the feeling in their buttocks…I honestly try not to laugh…but it’s quite amusing. I guess we can be like Joe in “Madea’s Family Reunion.” Let ‘em rip!!!!
Mocha Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 3:22 pm
I see the boys have weighed in with their comments. And look! Everyone is playing nicely. I love it when everyone gets along.
I can’t tell you how glad I am that Psycho Cyclist said ‘junk in the trunk’. I’m beside myself.
jackt - I don’t know why you’re asking ME. I would never do that. Ok, so I would COUGH LOUDLY to cover it up. Otherwise, yes, we all silently giggle. I don’t care how caught up in it you are, dude, clench those butt muscles and keep it to yourself.
Also, I’m always amazed at what people connect with in a post, but the “sexy issue” will probably never go away. I must agree that it’s getting better (Don’t you love the Dove commercials?!) and it’s with support of the men who’ve commented here (and, a couple bazillion others in the world)I think we’re on our way.
I’ve known that Mariska Hargitay was Jayne Mansfield’s daughter for a long time. She is gorgeous, too. Could use a little more meat on her bones, but oh, well. Not that I’m paying attention.
A special Congrats to kfarm on going back to school! Way to go! Good on you, girl.
HumanityCritic Said,
June 29, 2006 @ 3:27 pm
Farting never gets old, not in the slightest. In college, I dated a girl who could fart out tunes like she ass was a trumpet, I thought I had found my soulmate..lol
Dana Said,
June 30, 2006 @ 7:06 am
Hey! Mariska had a boy! Named August. Not my first choice…but I LOVE Mariska…she’s so damn beautiful. And her name….is awesome. I’d consider naming my daughter that but Mariska Tuszke sounds wrong!
Siobhan Said,
June 30, 2006 @ 9:48 am
I was pretty thin when my hubby and I got married (5ft 9″ and 130 lbs) Within a year I had gained about 20 lbs!! The man loves to cook. I was so upset and Robert looked at me and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world and that I was too skinny when we got married!! Whether that is the way he feels or not…you gotta love a man smart enough to say it
I hate to see all these skin and bone hollywood starlets. I just look at them and say “Would someone please get her a sandwich!!”
Mocha Momma » Time For My Scheduled Tantrum Said,
July 7, 2006 @ 7:37 am
[...] I told you I was scheduling this one. Since I’m not feeling particularly irritable at the moment, it will be mild. [...]