The house hunting isn’t going as well as we’d like but that’s because we’ve put some parameters on where we’d like to live. One house that I really liked a lot this past weekend was great as far as location, large yard that leads to a cornfield (like what we have right now), and it even has a pool. Square footage was a bit small, but it was yellow! And I really like yellow!
As we drove by it to check it out we noticed some of the neighbors out working in their yards and I must admit, there was cause for me to be excited. The house directly to the west is owned by a black family about my age. I even recall saying something like, “Oh, good! We’d have some black neighbors!” and Mallory and Ken just smiled at me. At the time I thought why this is important to me, I don’t know because it’s not like we live in White City. But our neighborhood doesn’t reflect a lot of culture when I drive through it. My children don’t play with a lot of kids from different ethnic backgrounds where we live.
And that’s starting to really bother me.
It’s taken far too long, but I finally watched Dave Chappelle’s Block Party yesterday and I can’t believe how much I liked it. The premise didn’t really appeal to me at first which is why I didn’t see it in the theatre. However, I think Dave is awfully funny and the musicians he got to play were all favorites of mine. The idea was this: get together a bunch of musical groups (including my boyfriend, Mos Def) and have them perform in Brooklyn at a block party that people are invited to by word of mouth. It was amazing to see it come together and to hear Chappelle say at the end that it was the best day of his life gave some indication as to why he split the country for a while.
An interesting juxtaposition was when the cameras showed some of the band members uttering the word nigger during a song. This isn’t uncommon in predominantly Black music, it was just funny to watch the White trumpet player sing that word along with everyone else. Naturally, it that’s word that holds people up most of the time.
My friend Allen once told me that people name things to tame them. If we want to have power or control over something, we name it. When I don’t know how I’m feeling I have to give it an emotional name so I can say, “I know what’s wrong. I’m feeling manipulated” or “I feel depressed“. The word nigger is just a name, but it’s not one that flows easily off my tongue. Once, when I was in high school, I decided to try it out in front of my friends. Since my sister and I are only a year apart she let me hang with her friends a lot and I considered them my friends, too, because they were at our house often. When I said it (and this was in a room full of Black people) you could hear the room get instantly quiet.
You can’t use that word. You’re not all Black.
For years it bothered me because I get so easily disgusted with being conveniently Black when it suits someone else’s purposes.
I think I get it now and part of my getting it doesn’t require me to understand it completely. If I had a dime for the number of times I heard a White person say, I don’t understand why Black people don’t want to be called ‘nigger’, but they can call each other that word then I might be able to afford a mansion. Because I hear it a lot. It has to do with the naming/taming and I could spend all day explaining it, but I don’t think the answers are ever enough for some people. A better response might be this:
You are not required to understand it. It just is.
For me, as a mixed race woman, I have taken it to a different level of naming/taming and one where I know the power of words and don’t have to use them to manipulate or oppress a person or class or race. I don’t own that word because I don’t even live in the culture which uses it readily or one in which it permeates every part of my home life.
Or maybe as a mulatto, I just rent it.
July 5, 2006 @ 5:33 am | Filed under Lessons I'm Learning | Permalink |
Dana Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 6:08 am
Great Post today! Definitely made some clarifications. You’re right, a person doesn’t always have to understand something. I think it’s hard for many to accept, though. I don’t know if it’s curiosity or being nosey, but sometimes I get asked why (being Polish) I hate the word Polack. It’s derogatory when used as a negative word, but in jokes — we call my family members that. And the looks I get are hilarious. “You hate that word but you use it?” Sure, of course. When someone in my family is acting stupid, I’ll use it. So, it’s kind of the similar to what you described.
Juli Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 6:54 am
Hey Kel,
great post. I get it. It’s like being fat. Fat is indiscriminate of its victims affects all races, genders and ages (only difference; it can be changed). Still, it’s a common denominator to which many can relate. If you are called fat in a derogatory manner, it hurts. If you choose to make fun of yourself and share stories of the shared pains of being fat with fellow fat people, it is laughed at in empathy and understanding not ridicule. We all know if we are fat or skinny or black or white. We can’t change our spots just identify them as who we are. Some things just separate us, but mostly it is our limited ability to understand others feelings, plights or situations. I hope I made sense. Much love,
juli
Dawn Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 7:40 am
I teach in a nearly all black high school. This is a converstation I have with my high school junior and seniors all the time. The “N” word is not allowed by anyone in my classroom and we talk a lot about the inception of the word and what it truly means and how the continued use of it allows for misappropriation of the word, etc. I find language fascinating–that must be why I am an English teacher–and we talk about the denotation and connotation of the word and the power it really has and the harm it can do.
Jeff Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 8:17 am
Good post! I’ve always been fascinated by “taboo” words in our society. The trail of acceptable descriptions for blacks has historically been a long and confusing one for some people to follow. From “negro” to “colored” to “black” to “African American,” I’ve actually seen people squirm when trying to figure out how to reference a black person. As far as I can tell, black people haven’t changed, only the labels have.
Rebecka Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 8:41 am
I’m with Julia… as a person of large proportions, it’s okay if I call myself “fatass” but hugely insulting if someone else uses that term.
I live in a community that is predominantly white so contact with ethnic folks is not so common. I worry that I might say something offensive without meaning to, but I guess it just comes down to treating everyone with respect.
Much of my business is conducted over the phone. I can’t see what they look like, what color they are so all you get is personality and everyone for the most part is pretty much the same.
fizzle Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 8:50 am
First, as a fellow woman of mixed heritage, you have to read “Mixed” by Angela Nissel. It’s funny and hard and an idea of the inbetween no-man’s of - in her case - being black/white.
A complex topic for morning digestion, but ever a provoking discussion point. Man, that word. It’s powerful and imbued with a negativism and keeps threads of American history alive - not only slavery but genocide and hate-based lynchings. Of segregation and separation and systematically keeping a people under foot and oppressed. And we cannot take away how powerful a word is. Symbolic. How much words on paper and spoken shape our views and thoughts and subtly…subconsciously even…form our opinions.
It was created in the most offensive of ways and now has been appropriated by modern American blacks and, let’s be honest, urban kids nonblack as well. Does the appropriation make ownership? Does the ownership take away the sting? When it’s urban, when there’s not the idea that it’s derogatory or the weight of history, but instead the equivalent of ‘playa’, where does that leave us?
Since we’re talking Dave Chappelle, tell me you’ve seen the famous sketch where a blind black man, Clayton Bixby, thinks he’s white and is the leader of a KKK group. Bixby calls a group of white suburbanites blaring rap music the N-word…their reaction? “Coool!” Chappelle’s on to something. As always, a step ahead of understanding on issues of race in the new century.
What I’m saying is that despite the abhorrent misuse, the dichotomy of the word is curious to me. I believe it affects our pysches and perceptions, but I can’t help but wonder about its layered context now and what that’s done, if anything, about redefining one of America’s most ugly verbal creations.
Ami Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 9:20 am
First of all, Mos Def is MY boyfriend, so back off!
Second, I really enjoyed this post for many reasons. I’m a white girl who I grew up in an area of upstate NY that has only recently begun to grow ethnically. When I moved to a city and became friends with people of other races we inevitably ended up talking about racial issues, including the ones you mentioned. And now that I’m involved in a romantic relationship with a black man, I’ve become even more accutely aware of how much race influences one’s life. The complexity of it all overwhelms me at times and I’ve had to come to the conclusion that I can’t and won’t ever understand much of it. Thanks for sharing this.
NursePam Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 10:15 am
This is an interesting post Kelly. And I think you hit upon a key point when you differentiated between race and culture. I think perhaps the reason you got the response you did is not because you are not “all black” but because you were seen as having some privilege afforded you by the culture in which you were raised. I have met (albeit rarely) blue eyed blondes of African American heritage raised in that culture who saw me as foreign as a Martian. My coloring would make me black sooner than they. But it is all about culture and perception and not necessarily about how we look.
Liberal white people want the N word to go away. It’s too much a reminder of slavery and blatant racism. But not only,IMHO,is the use of the word in the black culture about naming and taming; it’s about claiming the power and taking it back.
Of course this is a conversation that has and will continue to follow us for years to come. And in the end it’s true. We don’t have to understand what is.
Erin Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 10:19 am
The N-word has always made me spectacularly uncomfortable. See? I can’t even write it without feeling guilty, as though I’m furthering the negativity and oppression associated with the word.
I wish there was a more sensitive way of dealing with race. I worry that I’ll mis-speak and hurt someone, so I try to avoid descriptors that involve race at all. I mean really, a person is a person and you can always find another way to refer to them, right?
Juli is right - it seems like it would be much the same as being fat. I can call myself overweight, but I’d be terribly offended and hurt if someone else did so. The power of language is amazing, isn’t it? To hurt, to heal, just to relate emotion.
Siobhan Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 10:35 am
I kind of relate it to a family dynamic. For instance, I can call one of my brothers a halfwit, but woe to anyone else that does. Up to and including my husband.
I remember a story that my mom told me once. My grandmother was visiting my mother in New York from Ireland during the early or mid 60’s. Race relations really weren’t an issue in Ireland so my grandmother was a little cluless. She noticed a gorgeous brown leather coat in a shop window. She turned to my mother and said “Look at that coat, isn’t that a beautiful shade of nigger-brown?” My mother quickly told her, that it wasn’t a good idea to use that expression while in the US.
I had to sit here for a full minute and a half before I could type the n-word. I think that it is such a derogatory word and I detest it. I thank you for posting about this today because it does help me to understand a little bit better.
Kfarm Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 10:58 am
Well I am to a degree confused in my own house. My lilly white children who like their Momma have no prejudice listen to a lot of rap, hip hop music. Now they were raised that the “N” word was bad and you would get vinegar in the mouth if you used it like you would for any other bad word. But the music they listen to says the “N” word all the time. So they tell me, No Mom, it’s nigga not nigger…get it. I’m still not sure I get it and when I try to discuss this with my friends of color (they vary) the laugh and say YOU’RE NEVER GONNA GET IT.
Salina Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 11:30 am
Hello! Did you try the cocomos? I did watch the movie and it was great!! I recommend it!
Steve Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 11:56 am
You’ve commented before about your role as elucidator of all things racial. I’m sure it’s a burden at times, but you can view it as a compliment that people trust your judgment and perspective enough to seek you out for an informed view. I usually just look to your posts for entertainment, but if you’re going to force us to think once in a while, too, I’ll try to keep up.
You and your readers can correct me if this doesn’t ring true, but I sometimes get the feeling that guys like Chappelle who use that word like the feeling of empowerment that it gives them. They know it’s strictly verboten among paler folks (unless the pale skin also comes with a red neck), so when blacks use the word themselves, they’re forming an exclusive club. That’s all fine with me as far as it goes. It even seems natural. I just wish it didn’t have to be such an ugly reminder of racism against blacks, though understand, too, that that may be part of the point. Certain reminders of bad things are necessary to stay vigilant in the fight against them.
BTW, I liked your “Own or Rent” title. Leave it to you to tie the house-hunting and race-relating themes together so cleverly. Own or rent – I’m just glad we’re welcome to visit.
Natalie Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 1:05 pm
I read this… thought about it… then remembered a Yoko Ono song.
Here are the lyrics:
Woman is the nigger of the world,
Yes, she is, think about it.
Woman is the nigger of the world,
Think about it, do something about it.
We make her paint her face and dance,
If she wont be a slave and say that she dont love us.
If shes real, we say shes tryin to be a man,
While puttin her down we pretend that shes above us.
Woman is the nigger of the world,
Yes, she is,
If you dont believe me, take a look at the one youre with.
Woman is the slave of the slaves,
Oh yeah, better scream about it, yeah!
We make her bear and raise our children,
And then we leave her flat for being a fat old mother hen.
We tell her home is the only place she should be,
Then we complain that shes too unworldly to be our friend.
Oh, woman is the nigger of the world,
Yes, she is,
If you dont believe me, take a look at the one youre with.
Oh, woman is the slave to the slave,
Yeah, all right.
Hit it!
We insult her every day on tv,
And wonder why she has no guts or confidence.
When shes young, we kill her will to be free,
While tellin her not to be so smart we put her down for being so dumb.
Oh well, woman is the nigger of the world,
Yes, she is,
If you dont believe me, take a look at the one youre with.
Woman is the slave to the slaves,
Yes, she is,
If you believe, wed better scream about it!
Uh, uh, uh, hey, hey.
We make her paint her face and dance,
We make her paint her face and dance,
We make her paint her face and dance,
We make her paint her face and dance,
We make her paint her face and dance,
We make her paint her face and dance,
We make her paint her face and dance.
When I first heard this… I was SO offended! Then, I read the lyrics… and I thought about the “n” word and what it represents to different people.
I’m not a fan of Yoko Ono but… the woman’s got some balls!
I have family (white) on my dad’s side who say this word all the time. I hate it. Everytime I’m around them… I ask them to not use the word. It’s so frustrating.
In my world, the use of the word “dyke” is, according to some lesbians I know, “empowering.” I don’t know; I just can’t get with that. It feels like a slur, no matter who says it.
I guess we could all “take back the night” regarding words/language that is/could be offensive and create an empowerment around it.
I’d rather employ a more creative use of language and make stuff up if I have to.
Regardless, I do think you, my dear, are fantabulous!
(There ya go! Supersillious!)
Natalie
(Yowzer: what a long-ass comment!)
BIg Mike In Oz Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 2:53 pm
For me, if I start a conversation about me being fat, then that subject and all the derogatory accoutrements are on the table. But if you just walk up to me and have an opinion about my weight, then you’ve crossed the line - more often than not.
I treat racial issues the same. Skin colour doesn’t make anyone better, worse or different from anyone else. The same diseases, accidents and bullets kill us all… black, white, red, yellow or whatever.
Jill Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 3:19 pm
Great post today, Kelly. Skin color, to me, has never mattered because people are people and they all have the same basic feelings, the same basic needs, the same basic desires…. and the same basic ways to be hurtful or kind whichever is in their personalities.
Thanks!!!
Jill
Mocha Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 4:32 pm
I’m irritatingly busy at the moment and the TaskMaster hubby is making sure I get all my papers written, so if Ken comes in and asks if I was here, please say ‘no’, ok?
Most interestingly, I see this common thread of weight and, for the most part I agree. Yes, we all can say things about ourselves that others are not allowed to say. When describing people we try not to say “The black kid” or “The fat boy” and we never say “The white girl”. There is one glaring omission in this theory, though.
When we use a term in a derogatory manner sometimes we use ‘nigger’ or ‘niggerish’ to denote someone of lower class, but because we don’t ever call a thin person ‘fat’ or ‘obese’ unless in jest, I’m not sure it belongs up there with the same exact term.
I’m probably not making any sense now. I’ll just go write another paper about the sociolinguistis who gave an explicit view of how to teach reading after I write another paper on brain research on dyslexic patients using theories about saccades and regressions and the foveal span.
Yeah. That’s more my speed right now.
Keis Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 6:14 pm
Every time I venure over here, you have something insightful to say. I’m throwing off my lurking cloak again. Recently, I’ve decided my groups of friends show not use that word anymore. It was used in passing as a joke really, but it still bugged me to use. I’ve only ever been called that once by a random guy suffering from dementia when I was in college out of state. I do understand it is hard to explain why it isn’t okay for a non-Black people to make use of it but I don’t understand why. This first came to my attention during, of all things, an episode of ‘Girlfriends’. Being the American term, Black myself, I don’t get it. I know I don’t like it, it doesn’t feel right but it’s hard to move away from it (especially living in NYC).
mizangie Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 8:24 pm
I know I don’t have to understand it, but I also don’t have to like it. It’s inflammatory no matter who says it. A friend asked me one time if white people had a word like “nigger” that we call each other when it’s “just us.” I couldn’t think of anything similar but I told him that, yes, we do but I couldn’t possibly tell him what it is because he’s black and I would lose my cracker membership card if I told him. Ha!! He didn’t know for a long time whether I was kidding or not. Why are whites “people” but blacks are “folks”? I’ve never understood that, either.
Chase Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 10:02 pm
Ok, this is WAY random and I apologize for stomping all through your post (which is quite fantastic, by the way!)…but I wanted to say HI. And, odd that you stopped by my place today because I just added you into my Bloglines, like, two friggin days ago (a mixture of Kevin and Belinda influences there).
We need to chat over a mojito on Thursday at BlogHer. I’ll bring enough tissues for us both!
Hi. Carry on with normal, on-topic posts.
ali Said,
July 5, 2006 @ 10:26 pm
hi kelly, have been reading you everyday even outloud to my husband, i really love your new space, even if it has caused me to go back to lurking…what with the new shiny space and all..keep up the great posts, see you tomorrow!
QofS Said,
July 6, 2006 @ 10:23 am
Here you go sweetie–in reference to your white people and the “n” word thing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVbjK2dXOpc&search=straight%20outta%20compton
Josh Said,
July 7, 2006 @ 7:44 pm
I like Allen’s advice. It is SO true.
Bethydiane Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 6:00 pm
Wow, I wrote you a book and when I went to submit it it didn’t go through. Such aggravation! Hmm… I’ll try to recap:
- I took an African American Lit. class a few years ago and we read the novel Clotel. I then wrote an essay on it and used the term “mulatto/a” as I had learned it in class. One of the comments my professor left when she returned it to me was that “mulatto” is a term, that while common during Clotel’s time, is no longer acceptable, but I here I see you use it, so maybe that’s not true? My best friend in elementary school was “mixed” as that was how she identified herself.
- I went to an urban elementary school and was one of the four white kids there. I tried to fit in by picking up the dialect and braiding my hair like all of the other girls. I considered myself “popular” and then one day it was made aware to me that I was different: I had been hanging out with my dance troupe, waiting to go on a field trip/performance, when my drill team coach made a joke. Everyone was laughing but me and I made a comment that I didn’t get it, to which he responded, “It’s a black thing.” To which my friends said, “Ooh girl, he dogged you!”
Jade Said,
July 16, 2006 @ 1:44 am
You know, I was talking to the neighbor boy the other day (he’s 20 and comes to hang out with us. I like to think it’s because I’m cool, but it just may be because I cook well and let him eat whenever he wants.) and corrected him when he said “chink” while referring to the Chinese population up here (the 2nd largest outside of China, so I’m told). He looked at me all confused and I asked him if he’d be offended if I called him “White Trash” just because of his skin color. “But I’m not trashy” “Yes, but you’re white.”
But I can call myself a half-breed Mexican. Or a Wab. Or anything I want because it’s ME and I’m not insulting ME.
Today I drove him to the store and he was about to use yet another raical slur and thought twice about it.
Made me proud to think he’s actually learning
Chuck Said,
September 5, 2006 @ 9:55 am
The song, “Woman Is The Nigger Of The World”, was written by John Lennon….not Yoko. Although I am sure that sure influenced his thinking in many ways concerning the femenist movement.