When I’ve got the time to squeeze in as many appointments as I can during the summer, I take full advantage of it. It’s not that I can’t do them while I’m teaching, but that I sometimes need a day to recover from the agony associated with some of them.
When the dentist’s office called to tell me I need my 6-month checkup I obliged. “Sure! I can come in! I’m done with classes! I’ll be right there!”
Nothing could have prepared me for the scraping, jackhammering, and grinding the hygenist would do on my teeth. Normally, I have a high tolerance for pain. When I started to get a headache from keeping my mouth open I raised a hand to her to give me a break. If I had a white flag I surely would have waved it at her to surrender.
“Whoa. Give me a break here. You’re killing me. S-T-O-P-P-I-T, please.”
She kindly let me rest for less than 60 seconds. Sadist.
After wiping up the bloody mess she made in my mouth she called in the dentist. He is an acquaintance who we’ve dined with and whose daughters Ken has coached in basketball. We always talk books when I come in and he prods me for information on what’s hot to read. It’s nothing for Dr. Rob to hand me a sticky note and say, “Write down some new titles for me.” His kids will read just about anything I suggest. Nice guy. Just a nice guy who employs a violent dental hygenist.
My other favorite appointment to make in the summer is the gynecologist. Again, he’s a really wonderful man, but we’ve not dined with him. Unless you count the one time we ran into him at the Thai restaurant and chit-chatted. Since Ken works at the hospital and sees him a lot and they recognized each other, I could tell that Dr. G (not G for Gynecologist, either) was trying to place him and was putting two-and-two together. He had an “oh-those-two-people-go-together” look about him.
Ken snickered when we walked out and his smirk was telling.
“What? I know what you’re thinking!”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do! You’re thinking, ‘That man has seen my wife’s vagina’, aren’t you?”
“Well, yeah!” he laughs. “Yeah, I was thinking that.”
There is this weird phenomenon that happens in the gynecologist office that I’ve determined to fix. It’s not the ridiculous “Do you need to empty your bladder?” question either, though I prefer they just say, “You should probably pee now.” It’s something women do when they undress and get into the paper gown. There’s always a hook on the wall for clothes and a little chair in the corner. Most of the time, I fold all my clothes and set them on the chair which will inadvertantly be at my head once I lay back on the teeny tiny bed I’m supposed to balance on.
You ladies all know what I’m talking about. We hide our panties underneath the pile of clothes.
Who are we fooling? Do we want the doctor to think we didn’t wear any today? Are we ashamed of our granny panties? Is the doctor wondering, “Gee. I wonder where her panties are in that pile.”
In an effort not to confuse Dr. G, I placed them right on top. Totally spread out, too. No wad for me, thankyouverymuch. They are there in all their glory and placed lovingly as a topper to my other clothes. Then, I lay my bra right over it so he knows I wore one of those, too. It’s a beautiful sight and one which I take care in building.
I should have taken a picture. I feel I missed a prime opportunity to take pictures for next year’s Christmas card.
July 12, 2006 @ 6:01 am | Filed under Everyday Mundane | Permalink | Comments (54)
Jill Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 6:20 am
Hahaha I had never thought of doing that. That would have been rich… But I must say that I think the old codger I had gone to (he retired the end of last year) would have had a heart attack if he knew exactly what I wore under there…
OOOOOOOOOOhhhhh and that dang D word… hmmmm ouchhhhh
Jill
Juli Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 6:21 am
Can’t do that if you go cowgirl!!! YEE HAW!!!!
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 6:24 am
I didn’t even realize I did that until I read this.
Like a Gynecologist would be uncomfortable seeing underpants.
I remember after The Goon Squad was born and they were up in the NICU I was trying to pump breast milk and my OB came in and was all like “Excuse me, I’ll come back later”. And I am thinking “OH PLEASE! YOU HAVE SEEN ALL MY JUNK INSIDE AND OUT AND NOW YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT WATCHING ME PUMP? I have been in the hospital for five weeks. I have no shame left.”
Hmph.
Lisa Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 6:36 am
oh my God, I’ve always hidden my panties. I thought I was the only one who did that! You have inspired me! I shall hide my panties no more!
Dawn Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 7:08 am
Hahahahahaha…I do that too. I have never really thought about why. But then I started thinking and I did it at the fertility clinic every time. The fertility clinic is all women nurses. Why? It’s not like my underwear are unsightly. I will ponder this and not hide them anymore. Okay. I will try not to hid them. All of these years of conditioning to hide them will take some overcoming. Thank you for pointing out the absurdity in life’s little neurosis.
Dana Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 7:19 am
OH. MY. GOD. I’m so busted. I honestly thought I was the only one who does that. I have been laughing for ten gol-dang minutes. This is after my mouth dropped open when I read that sentence.
“We hide our panties underneath the pile of clothes.”
Yep. Uh huh. Mmm hmmm. So me.
You rock! Thanks for the laugh.
Elizabeth Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 7:22 am
I only want my panties to be seen if I’m wearing sexy undies with lace and whatnot. And since I don’t wear those kind to the gyno’s I’m probably not going to be showcasing my underwear anytime soon. And I wouldn’t want my old gyno to have a heart attack in the middle of a procedure should he spot some “leather and buckles” ensemble that I wear regularly.
Kidding.
Zman Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 7:44 am
The funniest thing of all after reading your post and all the comments is the fact that it is apparently fine for the doctor to see what the panties are covering but not the panties… Or am I missing something??
NursePam Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 7:48 am
OMG! OMG! OMG! *gasping for breath here* Again with the Kopi Kampung all over the monitor. You were probably safe given he’s a guy and most likely did not notice or care about anything other than what’s in the Ta Ta. I have a great gyne story involving my sister and me but it’s too long to tell here. Stay tuned tho’. It’s funny ;^)
Jeff Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 7:53 am
I’ve had the same conversation with my wife about my proctologist, but it wasn’t nearly as funny.
VENTL8R Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 7:54 am
Yup, guilty! Bra too! Is it an act to retreive whatever shred of dignity we have left after having children?
Wonky? You should probably have that looked at!
I think my fave gyno story involves my mother, who, 20 years ago, had to have a hyster due to benign tumors. So she gets hormones. Needs an annual to re-up her script. Doc is “down there” doing “his thing” when my mom kinda sits up and asks, “Just what ARE you looking for, anyway?” Doc stops, sits up, “Yeah, I guess I don’t really need to do this, huh?”
Fabiola Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:01 am
HI Kelly,
I am laughing about hits, because I didn´t realize about this pile thing until I read it.
In Brazil, the doctor´s office never have a chair just a hook, but I always end up putting my panties and my bra under everything else.
I will do it different next time!!!
Fabiola
deannie Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:23 am
Granny panties? Ain’t got none, switched over to tanga style a year ago (working my way to thongs maybe one day?!?). I always leave my clothes in order of how I am putting them back on so I can get the H*** outta there when we are done, so yeah, panties on top baby. EFFICIENCY ROCKS.
Hugs,
Mocha Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:38 am
Jill – I believe it’s really good for old codgers to see undies once in a while. Call it my hope for the future when my husband is an old codger.
Juli – Cowgirl? Is that anything like Commando? But for girls?
Sarah – All shame goes out the window when your legs are up in the air anyway. Why not let ‘em see what else ya got?
Lisa – It’s heartwarming to hear I’ve made a convert.
Dawn – You think it’s a neurosis? I thought it was just shame. Not any more, though.
Dana – I didn’t mean to bust anyone out. Pun intended.
Elizabeth – I don’t think you were kidding. So tell me, how do the buckles feel? Ouch.
Zman – Nah. You got it. That’s the point. Why am I hiding my panties when he sees all the other goods? As you can see, I’m not the only one.
Pam – Ooooohhhh, share your gyne story! If you post it, I’ll visit. I’ll visit anyway, of course… I’m sorry about forewarning you about drinking your coffee.
Jeff – What? Proctologist visits aren’t funny?
VENTL8R – That’s hilarious. Sounds like that dr. had a great sense of humor, too.
Fabiola – Uh huh. Another convert. YAY.
Deannie – Well, I don’t really wear granny panties. I won’t tell you what I wear. That’s for me, Ken, and Dr. G to know.
Shash Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:56 am
I do that too (place my bra and panties on top of my clothes). I mean, he’s seen the package, why not see what the wrapping is too!
Besides, they are too busy laughina at the funny faces I make when they are using that speculum for the pap smear to take notice of much else. I HATE that thing!
Shash
GullyGirl Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 9:08 am
Wow. This is just too funny. I never really realized that I do this too until now. And I always do this. Thanks for opening my eyes to a whole new world. I will definitely be thinking of you next time! (wow, that sounded kinda scary, huh?)
Della Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 9:33 am
Hello! This is off topic, but I love your site and visit often, so I hope you are not offended that my comment isn’t about the post….although the panty thing is hysterical and I had never questioned my panty-hiding before!
Anyway…
My husband is trying to design a blogging site for us, and is looking for open source programs. What do you use for this one? Or is it completely self-coded?
Della
colleengirl Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 9:36 am
Hmmmm. Panties on the top, hey? You cheeky thing. I guess it’s more cheeky not to have them. Ha.
jennifer Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 9:41 am
right on! i wonder why we hide them in the first place?
Erin Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 10:11 am
I hide mine in the middle of the pile. I always worry that they’ll knock over my clothes and my panties will come prancing out. *sigh* I’d love to promise not to do it anymore, but my panties are ugly (I know, I know, buy some more – but they’re comfortable!) and I’m probably going to keep on doing it. But thanks for pointing out the absurdity. At least now I’ll be able to laugh about something when I go to the OBGYN, where usually it’s a sad, frustrating place for me.
Juli Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 10:11 am
Mocha, yes, Cowgirl is the expression of not wearing any. Before Commando, we ‘Sims’ kids called it going Cowboy, hence the Cowgirl. My 4 year old daughter has even begun the sinister habit but feels the need to explain, “I’m going cowgirl mom because my underpants feel itchy and go up my buttocks.” (Really funny the way she says ‘buttocks’ emphasis on the tocks). I’m thinking “I KNOW; It feels so good to be so free!!!”
babyoog Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 10:14 am
The underwear folding thing – perfect. I totally do that. Shhh…secret panties!! My hygenist is also a sadist who takes pleasure in scraping my gums off just before she flosses my teeth with 9 gauge, unwaxed dental floss. Fun!
Susan Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 10:16 am
I have been away for far too long and once again, I am flabbergasted by how you are such a mind-reader.
Not only do I hide my undies at the gynecologist’s office, yesterday I hid my bra at a tiny little spa downtown where I went for a facial! And I wondered WHY I was doing it as I did it…
Jennifer Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 10:23 am
Ahhhh, but the question is…….did you put pretty undies on top….or where they the “everything else was in the wash & these are more comfortable undies” ?
I found your post funny..for I too hide the undies.
Jennifer
Siobhan Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 10:25 am
My ob/gyn actually has a little dressing room with a curtain in his office!!1
So I just throw my clothes on the chair any old way! He’s the first one to have a little dressing srea. I did used to hide them though. Don’t really know why, just one of those silly things we do without thinking!!
Marsha Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 11:26 am
Guilty as charged:) And did you do the whole pedi/shave thing, too?
J to the Wall Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 11:30 am
Maybe your pregnant! When I went to get my teeth cleaned after finding out I thought someone was playing a cruel joke on me. I would have rather had another root canal. Oh well….maybe we could share a hospital room.
J to the Wall Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 11:31 am
Sorry….I used the wrong “your”. But, I am off for the summer….dang it!
SherrySherry Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 11:46 am
That is just amazing! I didn’t think anyone else put their panties in the bottom of the pile (laugh)! My OBGYN is female and I still do it. Isn’t that weird?
Hope your week is going well.
A different Ken Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 12:22 pm
I’m having this vision of the future… All the women who read your site (and that’s big number, I’m sure), will no longer be hiding their undergarments. But then they’ll all have to ’splain why the heck they’re laughing when the OBGYN walks in…
It’s another whole subset of funny. See what an observant, funny person you are? Mocha Momma: making the world a better place, one laugh at a time (and at no one’s expense, either!).
Jill Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 12:45 pm
I can’t quit laughing… the comments are as great as the post itself… had to try to explain to becca and her friend why i was laughing so much and so loud… and they just looked at me like… great she is losing it again…. just wait until they have to go… they hide them now for gym class hahahaha…
Mocha Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 12:50 pm
Shash – Please don’t write speculum again. I clenched just now.
GullyGirl – Think of puppies and balloons next time. Not me.
Della – I’ll shoot you an email about the details.
Colleengirl – Lovely pun. I couldn’t have said it better.
Jennifer – It’s all very simple. We hide them because… because… I have no idea.
Erin – Awwwwww, that made me sad to read. I’m sorry. When you start laughing during the exam, you can go ahead and lighten the air by telling this story. I’ll bet the nurses will get a kick out of it. Hang in there, honey.
babyoog – No folding! Just spread them out across the top. Wouldn’t it be hysterical to bring a HUGE pair along and put that on the top?
Susan – Maybe this can be our Women of the World Unite for 2006. We’re not hiding bras and panties. We’re puttng it out there for all to see. So to speak.
Jennifer II – Come now. I only wear the BEST pair on those days.
Siobhan – That’s just the thing: I think we do it deliberately. Now, we’ll deliberately NOT, right?
Marsha – Oh, you know it. I try to get the closest shave on those days. Otherwise? Nah. I just shave to the capri line.
J to the Wall – Bite your tongue!
Sherry – My week is going well, thanks! I had a female OB/GYNE once and did the same thing there. Women are so weird.
A different Ken – And to think I was concerned about this post. HA. Too many women agree with me. They might be mad that I’m letting out The Secret, though. Thanks for commenting!
Nora Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
As usual funny and right!
I just got a note that you server was too busy, too many people commenting. You go girl!
Nora
katy Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 2:24 pm
Look, gotta hide the funky undies that you wear to the gyno–they need to be big cotton mostrosities so they can absorb the TEN TONS of goo that they put on you. When you get home you must put them directly in the hamper.
My bra? No hiding that baby–It’s huge. How Jealous am I of the little boobed women?
KM
PS: Totally forgot why I came over here–I gave you a “shout out” today. Now stop being so cool.
Karen Rani Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 2:40 pm
I’d hide my cookie if I could. I always put a little powder down there too, cuz I don’t want it getting wet while my female doc is doing her thing – I’m worried she’ll think I enjoy it. Holy homophobe. Pffft.
Jenny J. Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 3:36 pm
Hi mocha!
Just checking you out after you left a comment for me! Thankyou thankyou! Your blog is so great! Adding you to my favorites now. (oh, and re: your billion belly comment, see this post: http://jennyjacobs.blogspot.com/2006/06/billion-belly-march.html )
About the gynie, I am an undies hider too, usually, but last time I had a MORTIFYING experience. After the nurse left me to undress, I had barely started when the doctor (an unbelieveably cool woman) came in. I had to undress the rest of the way really quickly and I just piled my stuff haphazardly on the little table, since my purse and shoes were on the chair. I threw on the paper gown, hopped up on the table and told her I was ready. She opened the curtain and immediately sat down at the table with my chart. She had to push my pile out of the way to set it down, drawing my attention to my unnattractive underwear, unfortunately ’sunny side up’ so to speak, inches away from her. Oh how I wanted to die. I couln’t stand it. I hopped right up and moved the pile to the chair.
Bethydiane Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 4:41 pm
Holy, moly you are brave, but that’s exactly what I was thinking before you even mentioned it. They can see my vagina, but god forbid they see what covers it.
Mud Treasure Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 4:46 pm
Hi. Thanks for stopping in and leaving your story, Yellowstone Babe! Love it. I do identify with your post. Fun stuff. Hugs…MT
mamatulip Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 5:35 pm
LMFAO. You’re so right — *every* time I have to disrobe, I always stick my gitch underneath my pile of clothes.
Jesse Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 6:08 pm
hmm, I am not sure what to say about your female doctor visits=D, but I can definately relate to the dentist office. I have many brothers and sisters and we always used to have to go the same day to the dentist. The dentist himself was awesome, but there was this one lady who was just ruthless in the cleaning and all of us kids used to pray we didn’t get her and somehow I almost always managed to be the one:) I don’t think she even realized there was a living being outside of my mouth.. she went to work on it like she was cleaning a wheel on a car or something! Man I hated her=D
I hope you have a good day! and wanted to let you know that your site does not exist in IE 7:) I was reading it through RSS cause I couldn’t see it until I downloaded firefox
Jesse,
Becki Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:03 pm
Hi! I’ve come to visit your site via EZ’s…
I do the underware thing all of the time…mostly because I got the granny panty, or man draws going on…I’m 7 months pregnant.
You probably want me to explain the man draws thing, huh? When I was pregnant with my 1st daughter, I bought some underware for my fiancee, and the were too small but fit me and my big belly perfectly, so I wore them then, and being pregnant now, wear them again…
mtcutie Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:48 pm
Hey Kelly,
Thanks so much for stopping by and wishing me a belated Happy Birthday. I’ve been overwhelmed with blogger kindness… you guys have almost left me speechless… almost (hehe)
I really have been a little upbeat and happy lately thanks for noticing… I have my friends near and far to thank for it!
OMG… that gyno story makes me laugh… I have to see a gastroenterologist every few weeks when I’m in mid flare up (like now) and every 6 months when I’m in remission and every time I get into that paper dress I totally hide my panties in my shirt or pants. I don’t know why I do it, I just do… that’s too funny!
Oh and I hate anything dental related… argh… I cringe just reading about it!
Hugs,
mt
Elizabeth Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:59 pm
I hide my bra and panties too! For a WOMEN gynocologist. Jesus, she’s going to look at my va-jay-jay and I worry that she’ll be offended by my underwear? Sheesh!
jenny Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 8:59 pm
Seriously. I ALWAYS hide the underwear (I can’t call them panties) under the shirt. And the bra under the pants. S/he’s just seen my hoo-ha – why on earth do I hide the underwear? It just makes no sense.
Chantele Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 9:11 pm
It is rare for me to actually laugh out loud while I’m sitting alone at the computer, but you got me this time! The funny thing is that it feels so BOLD to display your panties on top of your clothes! I’m definitely going to try this at my next exam, just to put some fun into the drudgery of going!
Ron Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 9:48 pm
OK…ROFLMAO.
Good Lord Woman! Is nothing off limits? I laughed so loud I woke Michel while I was reading this entry. I am able to post here now, so I promise I will be visiting more often. I have to use Michel’s Puter to do it. YIKES…..I know you’re a MAC lady, but this feels strange to me, especially with this freaked out European keyboard. All the letters are in the wrong place. Have to learn how to type all over again.
Dear One,
Thank you so much for your kind loving words on my space. As you were truly my first reader….that means a lot to me.
Much Love,
Ron
Jill Said,
July 12, 2006 @ 10:11 pm
I never thought about this before, but it’s so true.
Next time, I’m gonna be loud and proud.
Grace Said,
July 13, 2006 @ 12:08 am
Hey Mochamomma!
)
I want to thank you for coming by and leaving such a great comment on my pic. Its been awhile since I’ve picked up any art instrument, so safe to say I’m a little rusty! But your kind words boosted my self esteem
As far as getting undressed in the gynae office…ya know, I did the same thing! I used to fold all my clothes neatly and lay my undies right on top
My doc always complimented my on my bra choices. It was a ’she’ so, I was safe…I think!
EBTG is great, huh? Glad you liked it!
Hey, do you mind if I link ya?
Dana Said,
July 13, 2006 @ 8:47 am
I just read your response and now “Bust A Move” is playing in my mental jukebox. Say it ain’t so!!!!
Miranda Said,
July 13, 2006 @ 10:27 am
Having someone call a vagina a “hoo-ha” gives a whole new meaning to “Hoo-ha two-time Tuesday”….
AlAl Said,
July 13, 2006 @ 7:27 pm
I don’t just hide them. I ball them up, and roll them inside my jeans. Because what if I had to move to another room. And they fell out on the floor. And I didn’t notice. And someone found them. And then (gasp) had to go around asking “Are these your panties”???
I left “what if you’re in an accident and not wearing clean underwear” in the dust YEARS ago.
Worrier Mangna Cum Laude
Jade Said,
July 16, 2006 @ 1:21 am
My OB/GYN is a lovely East Indian woman and I never care if I’m wearing black lace or cotton G’s, I just place ‘em by the bra on top of everything. I’m sure Vicky’s doesn’t mind the extra little bit of advertsing.
Thanks for stopping by…It’s nice to see you. The Cult was an inspiration. I should’ve tried drafting a short contract for soul sales. Maybe that’ll keep the spammers away. “Look, you owe me your soul because you spammed the guestbook while advertising your site for cheap medications. Now pay up!”
T. Said,
July 16, 2006 @ 6:36 am
Well, at least a New Year’s Greeting Card.
My mammogram Christmas cards are, indeed, going to be spectacular…my “no two are alike!” quip on the inside, I think, a rare moment of comedic genius. Mammograms of my MASSIVE BREASTS. I’ll be over it soon, I promise.
With donation information for the Susan G. Komen Foundation on the back, of course.
And I always tuck my underwear under my clothes. It’s not that I’m ashamed, but invariably, whenever I get to the OB/GYN, it’s laundry time, so nothing matches.
Jessica Said,
July 17, 2006 @ 2:44 pm
I do this too!! First time poster here, love your site! I visit almost every work day…not a lot of work to be done in my day. Funny panty story…I moved last year and had these really cool trust-worthy movers. I drew them a pix of my new house showing where I wanted all my stuff and left a key under the mat. When I got home and was gathering up some stuff at the hold place I went into my room and what was sitting in the middle of the floor? A Bright blue and black polka dot thong! It was the only thing in the room! I thought I would die!