Elizabeth left the funniest comment about my coffee description yesterday. I hadn’t realized that I write coffee porn. Is there a market for that? Today, as all I can DO is drink, I’m having a Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte with sugar-free syrup. It is good, and not in a bad way. Good and foamy and hot and luscious and dripping all over… ok. I’ll stop with the porn now.

Yesterday’s comments include one from a co-worker, J to the Wall, and she is dead on. We now have snacks in the lounge. A great big THANKS, J TO THE WALL shout out is in order.

I’m still not happy. I’ve taken to writing a letter to the Powers That Be.

Dear Universe,

Yes. I think that was funny. Hilarious even. Downright side-splitting with an extra shot of guffaw.

Yes. Funny.

No sooner had I written the post about not having any candy or good snacks than someone decided to stock up at Sam’s Club and buy chocolate, chips, 100 Calorie Snack Packs, Starbust, and an assortment of other goodies to keep in the lounge. On the Honor System! All we have to do is pay the secretary for what we take and then we get to have happy mouths and full bellies and glucose-laden arteries.

I was happy for half the day, Universe. Just half. Until I had to visit the orthodontist and get my retainers. I was the oldest person there and was in desperate need of a thousand bracelets or pink shorts that say “Juicy” on the butt or perhaps just that gawky Hello World, I Have a Deeper Voice and Hair Growing In New Places vibe to me. Then, and only then, I would have fit in.

For the record, Universe, tell the orthodontist to stop asking, “How’s that?” when he pushes my clear retainer over my teeth making me want to kick him all up in his personal business. If I could have spoken with his hands shoved inside my mouth I would have asked, “Oh, yeah, buddy? How’s THAT?” ask I used all the power in my legs to knock him out while I gave him a shot of Kelly Foot.

In short, dear Universe, I am in a lot of pain. My diet consists of my coffee, mashed potatoes, and Advil. I’ll thank you now for the Advil because I’m still not very happy with you.

So, while I can’t enjoy ANY OF THE NEW SNACKS IN THE LOUNGE, especially the Starburst (God, how I love me some strawberry Starburst chews!) I have to say that it’s quite ironic that you paired my issues with not having snacks with a mouth that is so in pain that I can’t even enjoy them. Yep. That’s sooooooo funny.

Sincerely,
Kelly

Last night I had to talk with my friend Tammy about class issues, but mostly I grunted and let her do all the talking. She was grateful that for once I couldn’t speak too much.

Tammy: Hey.

Kelly: Hey. You have to do all the talking. My mouth hurts. I got a retainer.

Tammy: Ha! Ha! Wow. How does it feel to be 16 again?

Kelly: It feels…16. It sucks the second time around, too.

Tammy: (turns to yell at her husband) HEY! Kelly’s got a retainer! (Laughter ensues in the background)

Kelly: Shut up.

Tammy: (turns to yell at her son) HEY! Kelly needs to borrow some of your floss! (Laughter. Again.)

Kelly: Bite me.

If only I could bite anything at this time.

Cafe au lait is half milk and half coffee and makes for a nice break from the regular lattes I’ve been enjoying (like crack, yes). Why not continue my theme of talking out of both sides of my mouth and just tell you that I also had a chocolate chip scone with it, mmkay? DON’T lecture me. I know. I KNOW.

This is called talking out of both sides of my mouth.

I like my coffee. I like my caffeine. However, I could do without it if I had to. Yes, I realize I sound like an alcoholic when I say, “I can stop anytime I want to!” but it’s the truth. There are many days when I will have tea or chai to suffice my morning ritual of drinking something out of my cuppa.

The school day usually finds us teachers in the lounge buying pop and getting candy or salty snacks from the cafeteria. Unfortunately for my hips, our school makes the best french fries I’ve ever had and when I smell them I find myself down there getting a whole mess of them and munching on them the rest of the afternoon. When I’m getting sleepy around 1ish I also go into the lounge for a diet Pepsi until the feeling of “Dear God, I’m going to climb on top of my desk and SLEEP FOR JUST A MINUTE!” goes away and the world is right again.

Our state has imlemented a new “No Candy Sales” in schools and the students aren’t walking around with Snicker bars or Starburst chews or giant chocolate chip cookies from the vending machines. This is a really good thing, because their sugar intake has taken a serious dip this school year.

Guess what? Their behavior is INCREDIBLE. They aren’t hyper (except for the normal pre-pubescent hormonal surges) or wired at all! They are even keel. Calm. Befitting behavior of a group of kids I wouldn’t mind taking in public on a field trip and claiming as my own.

The problem is this: there are now no teachers walking around with Snicker bars or Starburst chews or giant chocolate chip cookies.

But them? They are CRANKY and IRRITABLE and FURROWING THEIR BROWS at the lack of candy crack they are used to getting in the middle of the day.

It’s great that the kids are going to eat healthier and not be too affected by all that sugar, but seriously. I would like to start a campaign to at least let US have the sugar. We need it. We want it. We crave it.

Right now I want to talk out of both sides of my mouth AND have a giant chocolate chip cookie with my daily intake of coffee. I NEED MY CANDY CRACK!

Maybe I can’t quit. Intervention, anyone?

Maybe it’s not a good idea to start grinding beans at 5 in the morning and wake up my mom and grandma who are sleeping downstairs. Instead, I went with some tea. The lovely Jasmine Dragon tea from Teavana that I’m doling out carefully to savor it and make it last. Touch of Splenda and I’m good to go. Except, I will be stopping at Starbucks later. My addiction is in full swing.