Yesterday’s comments include one from a co-worker, J to the Wall, and she is dead on. We now have snacks in the lounge. A great big THANKS, J TO THE WALL shout out is in order.
I’m still not happy. I’ve taken to writing a letter to the Powers That Be.
Dear Universe,
Yes. I think that was funny. Hilarious even. Downright side-splitting with an extra shot of guffaw.
Yes. Funny.
No sooner had I written the post about not having any candy or good snacks than someone decided to stock up at Sam’s Club and buy chocolate, chips, 100 Calorie Snack Packs, Starbust, and an assortment of other goodies to keep in the lounge. On the Honor System! All we have to do is pay the secretary for what we take and then we get to have happy mouths and full bellies and glucose-laden arteries.
I was happy for half the day, Universe. Just half. Until I had to visit the orthodontist and get my retainers. I was the oldest person there and was in desperate need of a thousand bracelets or pink shorts that say “Juicy” on the butt or perhaps just that gawky Hello World, I Have a Deeper Voice and Hair Growing In New Places vibe to me. Then, and only then, I would have fit in.
For the record, Universe, tell the orthodontist to stop asking, “How’s that?” when he pushes my clear retainer over my teeth making me want to kick him all up in his personal business. If I could have spoken with his hands shoved inside my mouth I would have asked, “Oh, yeah, buddy? How’s THAT?” ask I used all the power in my legs to knock him out while I gave him a shot of Kelly Foot.
In short, dear Universe, I am in a lot of pain. My diet consists of my coffee, mashed potatoes, and Advil. I’ll thank you now for the Advil because I’m still not very happy with you.
So, while I can’t enjoy ANY OF THE NEW SNACKS IN THE LOUNGE, especially the Starburst (God, how I love me some strawberry Starburst chews!) I have to say that it’s quite ironic that you paired my issues with not having snacks with a mouth that is so in pain that I can’t even enjoy them. Yep. That’s sooooooo funny.
Sincerely,
Kelly
Last night I had to talk with my friend Tammy about class issues, but mostly I grunted and let her do all the talking. She was grateful that for once I couldn’t speak too much.
Tammy: Hey.
Kelly: Hey. You have to do all the talking. My mouth hurts. I got a retainer.
Tammy: Ha! Ha! Wow. How does it feel to be 16 again?
Kelly: It feels…16. It sucks the second time around, too.
Tammy: (turns to yell at her husband) HEY! Kelly’s got a retainer! (Laughter ensues in the background)
Kelly: Shut up.
Tammy: (turns to yell at her son) HEY! Kelly needs to borrow some of your floss! (Laughter. Again.)
Kelly: Bite me.
If only I could bite anything at this time.