Food Feeding Frenzy
I’m not suggesting that summer come to an end any sooner, but there are days when I wonder about my two boys who seem to inhale the groceries in this house in a fantastically short amout of time. Yet, oddly, they complain 20 seconds after bringing bags and bags of food into the house after we’ve gone shopping and say, “Mom. You didn’t get ANYTHING TO EAT.”
That was after I spent $210 at the grocery store. (But you saved $16.22 by using your Max card! chirped the sprite, young cashier. Why didn’t that thrill me more?)
That’s why they’re making the entire menu for next week. Don’t mess with Momma, boys. She’s been around the block a few times.
They Never Want Me To Leave Again
It’s nearly been a week since I’ve been home from my jetsetting, Fabulous Life lifestyle and now the secrets of what went on in my home are coming out.
Now. When I can’t do much about it.
In a hazy sleep-deprived moment when I was moving Morgan from Mason’s bedroom back to his own, he dropped the F-bomb on me. He said the f-word! In front of me! Where I could hear him! With my excellent hearing!
So there is that.
Next, they have just informed me that while I was gone my youngest also dialed 911 as a joke to his brother and the call actually went through. So a police officer visited my house to give them a lecture.
The officer came into the house and told them about how serious this was and stayed for about 10 minutes. That officer probably wondered, “Just where is their mother?!” He probably also wondered about the state of my kitchen floor, but unless he drives back over here to Swiffer it himself, I don’t care.
My senses to the state of my house are heightened at this time because my mom is moving in with us in less than 2 weeks. We get along great, but when my children were smaller she commented about my cleaning techniques. Actually, she compared them (bad idea! bad idea! no! no! no!) to my older sister’s cleaning habits.
Mom: Erin cleans her kitchen floor every week. (I heard “And she has FOUR children!” but she didn’t really say it) It’s so clean you could eat off of it.
Me: Oh, bullshit. You can eat off my floor, too. You see that Cheerio stuck on the floor from the baby pushing it around? Eat that.
I’m just heightened to her arrival and have already tired of my friends arching an eyebrow and uttering, “Mmmmm-hmmmmm…” I constantly want to remind them that she really is a fabulous woman (Hello? Apple? Yes, you fell from that tree.) and will hopefully HELP WITH THE HOUSEKEEPING.
I’m also hoping my mother just read that.
Kennimus Golfimus
Finally, my husband sprang the news on me that he was leaving for the weekend. He forgets to write his events on the calendar until the last minute, so telling me this on a Monday before the Friday he is leaving is actually very good. He doesn’t go every year, but he is attending a golf tournament called, get this: The Stud Classic. He won it in 1999 and wants nothing more that to reclaim his title.
So, he’s leaving me for the weekend with a house to clean, f-bomb-dropping children, and the impending threat of my mother’s visit looming over me.
I will devise wicked, torturous techniques for him while he’s gone.
August 9, 2006 @ 7:31 am | Filed under Freaky Family | Permalink |
VENTL8R Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 7:42 am
Hmmm…..left alone to your own devices…..can I come over, too? I’ll even bring ice cream.
Still having issues getting into Live?
Mocha Momma Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 7:46 am
Yes, MSN is really slow. S-L-O-W.
You sure can come over! Can you bring the Starbucks Latte Lite ice cream? It’s to die for. Why didn’t I think of having a party?
PARTY AT MOCHAAAAAAAHHHHH’S HOUSE.
Someone needs to bring tequila, marshmallows, and a nice avocado mask, mmmkay?
Chase Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 7:58 am
Don’t worry about the hubs being gone. If anything goes wrong, at least your youngest can call 911.
Aafrica Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 8:31 am
go this from a friend, thought i’d spread the joy for coffee nerds. good day!
http://terrisfp.com/flash3/coffeesue.swf
Dana Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 9:08 am
I will come and help you clean your house. I need a vacation from all these sick people I live with.
Lia Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 9:12 am
I rememeber the first time I said the f-word to my mother. OUCH! I was so busted. I used to fear that would be my daughters first word but our mouths have gotten much cleaner. Whew! I won’t come clean your house because I can’t even keep mine clean, but I will come drink tequila and do avocado masks with ya!
Lady M Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 9:36 am
“You can eat off my floor, too. You see that Cheerio stuck on the floor from the baby pushing it around? Eat that.”
Too funny! I used to think I kept a decent, if not spotless kitchen. With the toddler, it’s not so hard to get a meal off the floor now.
Brotherhood of the Bean Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 9:45 am
Never discount the 5 second rule — if it falls on the floor and you get to it in 5 seconds or less, its good to eat.
Mocha Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 9:46 am
Chase - Verrrrrryyyy funny. Clever girl. I’ll get you back for that somehow.
Aafrica - That is so me. I loved it. It was only slightly more hyper than I on 8 cuppas. Ijustusuallystarttalkingveryquicklyandirritatingeveryone.
Dana - Don’t bring any germs with you. Do you prefer lemony cleaners to flowery ones? I’ll buy whatever you like.
Lia - That’s ok! We’ll do shots and masks while Dana cleans. (I hope she doesn’t read below her own name just now, so stand still and don’t move and we’ll be safe.)
Lady M - Which was my point - there’s enough for a meal there. Don’t tell me you can’t eat!
Mocha Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 9:50 am
BOTB - The 5-second rule is dependent on the state of the floor. Apparently, my house warrants it. My perfect, older, cleaner sister? Well, it can be there for 10 minutes and you can still it eat.
dfinley Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 10:11 am
Put cute little smiley face stickers on all of his golf clubs. What could be more “Studly” than that. You made me think about the last time I cleaned my kitchen floor…I can’t remember. Thanks…
jes Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 10:16 am
Eeek! Eeeeek! I don’t care about my mom’s visits. She’s used to me. BUT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW? I take days off work just to clean for that, because the first time, she took one look at my oven and marched me straight to the grocery store to buy some oven cleaner. And then we spent our Christmas cleaning the oven.
jes Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 10:17 am
Completing a thought: …because the first time… I meant the first time she ever visited us. But then I realized it wasn’t the first time she ever visited us, so that was kind of a lie. Maybe it was just the first time she cooked in our kitchen. Or something.
Ferroll Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 10:33 am
Hilarious post!! Enjoyed your site. I’ll be back….
Natalie Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 10:39 am
My mom called and said she had a gift for S and I and wanted to drop by. “Okay.” I said.
Then, I looked at S and said, “Quick! Let’s slick the place up!” She looked at me like I was nuts. I STILL have MOMPTSD about cleaning. Our house is *clean* but a little messy and still rough around the edges from moving. Without even giving a nudge or prompt, my mom said, “Your house looks nice.”
S and I looked at each other and then I confessed. Why do I do that? Why couldn’t I have just said, “Thank you.”?
My mom just rolled her eyes at us both.
And the gift? Oh. Oh. Oh. A lovely Night Blooming Jasmine plant! I’ve been looking everywhere for one! How cool is that?!
Well, but here’s the thing: my mom doesn’t really care how our house looks… or so she says… and then, three weeks later, I’ll hear a comment. Just a little one. Just a teeny tiny one. But… there it is.
So, I’m waiting…
lol
My mom rocks, too. However, I haven’t lived with my mom in a really, really long time.
Best of luck with that…
No, really, I mean it.
Natalie
BotchedExperiment Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 12:03 pm
Wow, you’re good. I’m drinking a Dr. Pepper in your honor.
Botched
P.S. Do you have Ken registered for stud service?
Deb Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 12:08 pm
Oh noooo, I dialed 911 when I was a youngin too. Remember the clapper? Yeah we called 911 and said we broke our hands trying to get the clapper to work. I see now that it wasn’t the least bit funny but back then…whoo it was a riot, well, until the police showed up and we got grounded.
Heather B. Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 1:11 pm
“Me: Oh, bullshit. You can eat off my floor, too. You see that Cheerio stuck on the floor from the baby pushing it around? Eat that.”
hahahahahaha. Sounds like something I would say to my own mother.
Tom Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 2:42 pm
Hey, wouldn’t Ken have to be some sort of “stud” to land such a fine looking blue-eyed, uhh brown-eyed, uhh green-eyed babe like yourself?
deannie Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 3:21 pm
Stud participants are deserving of wicked “Victoria’s Secret” sorts of schemes, right?
I love to clean, I’ll help Dana
Hugs,
Panda Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 3:35 pm
My boyfriend’s mother had a “brilliant” idea for January 2005. She would come stay with us to host a Holiday party for all their relatives on the west coast… at my house. She said, “You won’t have to do a thing! Honestly!”
Laughing Boy and I spent 4 days cleaning, including steam cleaning the floor and touching up paint. And then spent $500 we didn’t have on groceries, party accoutrements, and fixing various plumbing issues that were fine for us, but not for a house full of week-long guests.
And Laughing Boy’s sister in law, when she heard we’d spent that much time fixing up the place, made a big show of looking around, and then sneered, “Four days? What did it look like before?”
Laughing Boy’s mom wanted to do Thanksgiving here this year. I laughed hysterically, and blurted out, “Oh, god no!”
Cleaning = bad.
Mocha Momma Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 3:51 pm
dfinley - Oooorrrrrrr… pink golf head covers.
jes - We take off days when my MIL and FIL visit, but not my family. I cannot comment further about that.
Ferroll - Come back anytime. I’m currently taking applications to clean my house. Drop a resume next time, would ya?
Natalie - Now your comment was sincere. I know you. So I’ll return the sincerity and say “Thank you”.
Botched - A Dr. Pepper? I am honored. That’s high praise from you. Ken is not registered to stud any longer. It was in our wedding vows: “Do you promise to love, honor, and quit the Stud business?” he replied, “I do.”
Deb - That’s creative! The clapper! HA.
Heather B - You must have the same type of relationship with your mother as I have with mine. Tell me her reaction, ok?
Tom - All babes, regardless of eye color, attract the studs. Can I get an “Amen, sistah” with that?
Deannie - Well, uuhhhhh…. yeah. That’s right. He’ll leave me for the weekend and get a Vicky Show. Riiiiiiight. Only if all these helpers show up so I’m not too tired by Sunday night.
Panda - We spend money like that on giving our own parties. Not for anyone else. Though once, we did get all new ceiling fixtures when Ken’s parents visited. So, Thanksgiving at your house is out? Damn. I was gonna come over.
Jenni Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 6:24 pm
I, too, have a ridiculously messy house. I hate it, but I hate to clean more. I’d be happy to bring the tequilla and marshmallows. Okay if I throw in some chocolate?
I called 911 when I was little.
“911. What’s your emergency?”
“Nothing!” And I hung up.
They called back. My mom thinks my sister did it. My sister was so little, she doesn’t remember the incident, so I let my mother believe whatever she wants.
Her Bad Mother Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 8:12 pm
Um, maybe you could share your torture techniques? Please? ‘Cause I need some. (Husband just announced a canoe trip with the guys, nuh-uh!)
PointlessBallyhoo Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 8:47 pm
Everything sounds pretty normal to me!
Admit it, you’re really upset to have missed all that fun stuff.
Kristen Said,
August 9, 2006 @ 9:49 pm
Ugh. My mom goes through that “there’s nothing to eat” with my brothers, and I go through it with my BIG kid, Tim (the boyfriend). Leah (thankfully) isn’t old enough yet to complain.
kate5kiwis Said,
August 10, 2006 @ 3:30 am
i once saw a fab cartoon:
little girl is sitting in the lounge entertaining older couple. older woman says, “you must be mommy’s best hepler now that you’re so big??”
little girl says, “yes, like when we saw you walking down our driveway, i helped mommy gather up all the stuff on this floor and shove it in the clothes dryer…”
IT’S ONE OF MY FAVE’S
kate5kiwis Said,
August 10, 2006 @ 3:36 am
er, that’s “h-e-l-p-e-r”
(see how stressed i am now that i know you’re a *literacy coach*???)
*grin*
dragon-mum Said,
August 10, 2006 @ 5:03 am
ROFLMAO…. I have that same panic attack every time my Nanna is coming over to visit. She likes to turn up and spring me with the house looking like a meteor just landed. I have learnt the hard way to keep the house cleanish. I cannot cope with the look of disappointment on her face when she sees it messy. It’s like having my heart carved out with a blunt spoon!
Are you coming back to pee in my blog any time soon? Just so I know to watch out for puddles! LOL
Love you xoxoxox
P.S I would clean the kitchen floor with my tongue if it meant I could do masks and shots with you !
Dana Said,
August 10, 2006 @ 8:51 am
I won’t bring any germs. I’ll lysol them on my way down. Lemony fresh cleaners be good. Then we won’t have to add lemon when we eat of the floor.
mothergoosemouse Said,
August 12, 2006 @ 7:17 am
I guess 911’s not a joke in yo town.
The line about the Cheerio - you slay me!
Not Mocha Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 5:21 pm
Personally, I think your Saintly Mother sounds like a friggin’ SAINT!!!
Love,
Mom