Yesterday’s comments include one from a co-worker, J to the Wall, and she is dead on. We now have snacks in the lounge. A great big THANKS, J TO THE WALL shout out is in order.
I’m still not happy. I’ve taken to writing a letter to the Powers That Be.
Dear Universe,
Yes. I think that was funny. Hilarious even. Downright side-splitting with an extra shot of guffaw.
Yes. Funny.
No sooner had I written the post about not having any candy or good snacks than someone decided to stock up at Sam’s Club and buy chocolate, chips, 100 Calorie Snack Packs, Starbust, and an assortment of other goodies to keep in the lounge. On the Honor System! All we have to do is pay the secretary for what we take and then we get to have happy mouths and full bellies and glucose-laden arteries.
I was happy for half the day, Universe. Just half. Until I had to visit the orthodontist and get my retainers. I was the oldest person there and was in desperate need of a thousand bracelets or pink shorts that say “Juicy” on the butt or perhaps just that gawky Hello World, I Have a Deeper Voice and Hair Growing In New Places vibe to me. Then, and only then, I would have fit in.
For the record, Universe, tell the orthodontist to stop asking, “How’s that?” when he pushes my clear retainer over my teeth making me want to kick him all up in his personal business. If I could have spoken with his hands shoved inside my mouth I would have asked, “Oh, yeah, buddy? How’s THAT?” ask I used all the power in my legs to knock him out while I gave him a shot of Kelly Foot.
In short, dear Universe, I am in a lot of pain. My diet consists of my coffee, mashed potatoes, and Advil. I’ll thank you now for the Advil because I’m still not very happy with you.
So, while I can’t enjoy ANY OF THE NEW SNACKS IN THE LOUNGE, especially the Starburst (God, how I love me some strawberry Starburst chews!) I have to say that it’s quite ironic that you paired my issues with not having snacks with a mouth that is so in pain that I can’t even enjoy them. Yep. That’s sooooooo funny.
Sincerely,
Kelly
Last night I had to talk with my friend Tammy about class issues, but mostly I grunted and let her do all the talking. She was grateful that for once I couldn’t speak too much.
Tammy: Hey.
Kelly: Hey. You have to do all the talking. My mouth hurts. I got a retainer.
Tammy: Ha! Ha! Wow. How does it feel to be 16 again?
Kelly: It feels…16. It sucks the second time around, too.
Tammy: (turns to yell at her husband) HEY! Kelly’s got a retainer! (Laughter ensues in the background)
Kelly: Shut up.
Tammy: (turns to yell at her son) HEY! Kelly needs to borrow some of your floss! (Laughter. Again.)
Kelly: Bite me.
If only I could bite anything at this time.
August 31, 2006 @ 6:16 am | Filed under Everyday Mundane, Freaky Friends | Permalink |
Jill Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 7:08 am
hehehe Good morning Kelly… Before I left my Ironman Canada trip, I had the 16 remaining teeth pulled and dentures put in… in the denturist’s office I was the YOUNGEST person… I felt like I should have a cane or a wheel chair… Mashed spuds and gravy ohhh and mocha pudding have been my main meals for almost 2 weeks now… pain isn’t as bad as it was…biting anything is definately out of the question…even using my “teeth” to bite off the dead skin on my lips is out of the question…Hope everything else is all good and well and wonderfully “normal”…
HUGS,
Jill
Dana Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 7:10 am
Oh Mocha! I hope the pain goes away. I don’t like going to the dentist. I don’t even like it one bit.
I will say a prayer to the universe for you!
NursePam Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 7:24 am
I know it sucks eggs darlin’. But that is just the Universe’ way of saving you from yourself. The good news is that it doesn’t keep you from your coffees and teas.
Best of all, it’s a good excuse for milkshakes.
Jessica Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 7:55 am
Ohhh, I remember that pain and it totally sucks. Just know I am there with you. There was some meeting this morning and when I got here there were about 20 boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts to enjoy. What does God hate me so??
J to the Wall Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 8:35 am
Thank you!!! The pain will go away. You’ve had braces. It’s the same type of thing right? Well, as you know I am home today and can’t get in to see the doctor until 1:30. I was so sick this morning. I am so glad I took the day off. If I am lying down….I am fine…it’s when I get up that makes me sick. Anyway, I am SO HAPPY to be away from the snacks at school today. I think I would be sick. However, chocolate rules!
Hope to see you tomorrow….or whenever you have time to come see me again.
Jen
chris Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 11:27 am
Awwwww, you poor thing.
It has been twenty plus years since I had my braces and retainers and I still remember how they hurt.
I get to relive all of this with my son this next year. And I am sure it will be even more painful for me vicariously.
mothergoosemouse Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 1:57 pm
I bought myself braces (second go-round) when I was 25. I could not believe how much it HURT. I couldn’t talk without spitting. It was awful.
But there’s lots of good candy you can still eat. Reese’s cups, for starters.
And I think it’s fantastic that there’s no candy or soda at your school now. I used to eat ice cream and candy bars for lunch in middle school and high school, and I wish they hadn’t sold that crap. Then I would have been forced to actually eat REAL food.
Julie Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 6:04 pm
Oh man, I never had braces but hear that the experience can be quite painful, youngest step-son P3, had them. But when I was a kid I had to wear a retainer. Long story. It sucked!! Especially when I first got it.
How about I just eat a strawberry starburst for ya!! Will be thinking of you!
Oh yea, today is Blog Day! You are on my list. Not that you need any more readers.
EZ Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 8:31 pm
Well hello sweet baby!
I share your disdain for dentist and the torture they represent. To top it all off, they have the audacity to charge a fortune to have us take a seat in the chairs of torment and pain. But when I look at your smile, it may just be worth it.
Have you missed me?
Natalie Said,
August 31, 2006 @ 10:32 pm
I wonder if you can puree Starbursts?
Just a thought.
Ya’ll need to get one of those fancy-schmancy food processors in your lounge. Yeah. Right. Put it next to the Mr. Coffee.
I’m pretty sure, if you crack an egg into a mocha frappuccino, you can call that a meal.
But don’t quote me.
My barista days are over.
Natalie
colleengirl Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 12:04 am
Oh, sweet braces of yore. A friend at high school (back in the day) was talking to me and one of her elastics snapped out of her mouth and beaned me in the head. Retainers? Poo. I’m sorry you have to look at Starburst chews being eaten by heartless others.
dragon-mum Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 2:04 am
I sympathise my sweet. I went back to the torture monger aka dentist today. Apparently my mouth is still killing me two weeks AFTER the surgery…. because GOD HATES ME…. and I happen to be one of those people who have to heal the S.L.O.W and P.A.I.N.F.U.L.L way :0 Oh goodie gumdrops. There’s nothing like living on slops that look like baby poop while cooking your favourite meals for the unsympathetic others I live with
LOL
Not to mention the stitches have still not come out, but they have spread, thereby allowing the wounds to open, the nerves to be exposed and food to get in them. Equalling a nasty assed hike in pain levels.
And no one understands why I haven’t been blogging, and why I have been so nasty lately? Somehow I think you do understand my nightmare. I hope your ravishing smile is worth all the effort
jenny Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 6:17 am
Oh, the bitter, bitter irony. But doesn’t this give you the right to have all the chocolate shakes you want? Does anyone make a coffee flavored shake?
Joy Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 7:48 am
am also a complete wimp about the dentist, but there does seem to be some kind of divine intervention on this one…. y’know?
i am also a snack addict, though have to say that my daily ration of a nice big sweet roll after lunch (I’m eating for two, you know!) has got to go. I seriously want to take a nap after that sugar rush/plummet.
Alicia Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 9:41 am
You know what they say…payback’s a BITCH…maybe you should advise Tammy of that long forgotten verse…and then you should start plotting NOW!! LMAO!!
HUGS!!
-S. Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 12:11 pm
Braces - I still remember the feeling and of not being able to eat for a few days after getting the next wire put on. But I loved wearing my retainer. In fact I wore it long past what I had to. I would wear it to be throughout college and the first year or two I was married. Not every night, but just when I felt I needed to. My sister had braces and never wore her retainer and now her teeth are all seperated. I am so thankful that I wore mine for so long.
-S.
Brotherhood of the Bean Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 1:57 pm
“…My diet consists of my coffee, mashed potatoes”
Mocha - I have some AMAZING Omaha Steak Twice Baked potatoe last night (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0000DJ7SR), cheese, sour cream and bacon infused, it will melt your worries away.
JJ Said,
September 1, 2006 @ 5:52 pm
awwwww…
Sounds like you need a Starbucks Venti Latte double to me!
Poor thing. I hurt for you … not a lot, just a little.
Elizabeth Said,
September 2, 2006 @ 9:53 am
Candy?! Be a role model! Stock FRUIT in the lounge!
*cough* Ok, crazy idea, I know. What was I thinking?!
Sorry about the agony. I hope you are feeling less agonized soon enough.
I’ve got an important public service announcement over at my spot. And you NEED to take 6 minutes out of your life to watch it. And then force the women in your life to watch it, too. And when that’s all said and done, post a link to it here so you can be a conduit for saving lives.
Wow. That was pretty heavy duty, wasn’t it? *hugs*
PointlessBallyhoo Said,
September 2, 2006 @ 10:26 am
Is your retainer non-removable? I’ve only known one person who had that kind, and she was able to eat any and everything within a few weeks.
Ariana Said,
September 2, 2006 @ 6:29 pm
I had braces for 4 freakin’ years and now my teeth are crooked again. I feel like I went through all that pain for nothing. Did you get Invisalign? I want to get that too.
Cordaville Said,
September 3, 2006 @ 11:22 am
You poor thing! I will glady go and guard the Strawberry Starbursts for you! Hope you feel better soon!
Hugs,
Cordaville
Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom Said,
September 4, 2006 @ 6:27 am
So sorry about your dental agony! I had to laugh about your comment about pants with “juicy” written on it. Who thought those things up? I actually had a client that I worked with that had sweats witth “bootilicious” written on the butt. That’s an awful BIG word…I’m just saying. Anyhow, this is my first visit to your blog. I’ll definitely be back
Her Bad Mother Said,
September 4, 2006 @ 10:27 am
Aw. I’m hurtin’ here for ya. Really. I’m the Universe’s bitch too, so I know of this pain.
Hang in there. The candy’s not going anywhere.
Steve Said,
September 7, 2006 @ 12:31 pm
Kelly, I’m forwarding this along to you, as somehow or other it wound up in my mail box by mistake.
Cheers,
~(:=0)
Dear Kelly,
Your dissatisfaction with what is being provided for you (or not provided for you), as stated in your recent missive has been duly noted.
It is difficult to qualitatively address your concerns, as they enter into the area of personal choices, a realm in which we are sworn never to enter, as that would abrogate the whole “free choice” thing.
In summary, it grieves us that you are having to endure this untenable situation. Sort of brings to mind the rock-and-a-hard-place theme, doesn’t it?
It must also be noted however, that your use of sarcasm in your correspondence was particularly ill-advised, since you know what they say about messin’ with The Universe. We’ll let it slide THIS time, but be advised to watch it in the future, or we may find ourselves in the situation where we feel compelled to say something like: “Kelly? Bite me!”
Sincerest Regards,
The Universe