OMIGAWD #1
Mallory has had a friend she has known since Kindergarten with whom she is still very close and who lives two hours away from us. We moved away when Mallory was in third grade, but she and L (I didn’t get permission to use her name) still visit when L’s mom and sisters come here to see us or when we go back there to see them. They are like extended family for us and we spend a great deal of time with them.
Even when the girls were in high school, Mallory would drive there to spend the weekend with her and once, just for fun, they double-dated to go to Homecoming at L’s school where Mallory had known a great deal of students. They have been very close and never lost touch and for that I’m grateful.
L has attended a college close to her home while Mallory attends one over an hour from hers, but in many ways they are “college friends” and commit to spending time catching up and giggling like they are still 4 years old and taking the same ballet class, or throwing water balloons at passing boys on their bikes, or reading the required Judy Blume books that young girls cherish like a Secret Rite of Passage.
Last week L’s mom, also my good friend, called to say that L is expecting a baby and would be getting married to the father of the baby sometime in November.
I must pause here to reflect that I am the mother of a 20 year old and while that’s all fine and dandy, L’s mom is over 50 and quite ready to be a grandmother. It’s obvious that my thoughts on this are: no fucking way not in a million years is this something I am prepared for at this time in my life.
Mallory is going to be a bridesmaid.
I attempted to relate this story to a classmate of mine.
Me: So. Mallory’s got a friend from her youth who is pregnant. She’s getting married in two months.
Classmate: Wow. That’s pretty cool. Is she happy? The girl… who is pregnant?
Me: I’m not sure if you heard me. MALLORY’S GOT A FRIEND WHO IS PREGNANT.
Classmate: No. I heard you. I just want to know if this is a good thing or a bad thing for the girl. She’s what… 20?
Me: Excuse me, but you are sooooo missing the point here. My daughter? My 20 year old? My college kid has a friend WHO. IS. PREGNANT.
At this time, Tammy, who is with us and listening to me relate this story, breaks in to help me out.
Tammy: What’s she is saying is that it could be her daughter who is pregnant and she could be a gran…
Me: SHUT UP. DON’T FINISH THAT SENTENCE. DON’T. SAY IT.
OMIGAWD #2
In other news, Mason has begun his freshman year of high school where he has been secretive and clandestine in just about all his affairs lately. However, he opened up long enough to ask me for a cell phone right after asking my advice on how to ask a girl to his own Homecoming Dance next month. Like any good mom, I don’t want him to get turned down his first try, but it is a possibility, so I offered unsolicited advice though I really must ask: is there any other kind?
Me: Here’s what you say. You say, “How would you feel about going to the dance with me?” so that way she can answer you with a “Well, I don’t feel so good about it” or with a “Oh, I’d feel great!” and you kind of give her an “out”.
Mason: Mom. (He looks at me with that perfected look of You Are SO Stupid that he’s been working on for the better part of a year.) That’s the dumbest thing ever.
Right after this conversation I dropped him off at a Spirit Night event at the high school and when he came home he said he had a date for the dance.
Me: Did you take my advice? HUH?
Mason: No. I did what I wanted. It worked anyway. (He looked quite smug after he said that. When did he start working on Smug?)
Stupid kids. What do they know? He won’t even tell me her last name. He’s afraid I’m going to call her up and talk to her. The first person I did call was Mallory who couldn’t believe her younger brother is ready to go to a dance.
Mallory: Omigawd! WHAT? When is it? Who is she?
Me: Some girl. He won’t tell me her last name. Can you come home that weekend?
Mallory: I’ll be home the weekend before, but I’ll try to come back for the dance.
Me: Good. Maybe you can take him shopping. I’ve never shopped for boy clothes for a dance before.
Mallory: Well, neither have I! I don’t know what to get. What do boys wear? A pair of nice slacks?
Me: Omigawd. Don’t say “slacks”, honey. No one says “slacks” anymore. Do they?
Mallory: What? I say “slacks” when it fits. That’s the WORD for it, Mom.
When did my daughter start saying “slacks”? Mallory and Mason are both growing up so fast. I want to stop this clock and make them stay young and fresh and funny and playful, but they are growing up anyway. Maybe I am ready to be a gran…
Nah.
{ 23 comments }
Tell me people aren’t saying “slacks” again. Maybe that word skips a generation (like twins!) ?
Ew.
Slacks? Really?
Trousers?
Oh, Kelly! They are growing up. How the hell does this happen? And so fast it seems!
LOL! Poor baby momma. Face it grrlfriend. The odds are that you will be a very young grandma. You’ll have to wait until the great great grands arrive before you can put your teeth in a glass to entertain them ;^)
My Mom, upon hearing the news of our first baby, asked if we were happy about it or not before she allowed herself to be happy. This brought back memories.
My Mom became a Gran…at 38 poor thing. But, she and my son have the most amazing bond I have ever seen. I’m not jealous or anything, not at all, really I’m not.
My Mason started middle school this year and it’s been 2 weeks and he is becoming a different person. I’m glad I have another one coming that will not look at me like I am a complete idiot for at least 8 or 9 years. I’m having a hard time with that and I need to adjust because he is only 11. Good luck to you
Kelly – I’ve got you beat! I am 47 and have been a Mother for 27 years. First to Kelly, then Karlene and finally Kori. LOVE, LOVE being a Mother. They are everything and more than I have ever dreamed….but in the last five months I have suddenly become a mother in law to two young men. I feel like screaming, “I am not your Mother anything – I don’t even know if I like you!!! My daughters love you, obviously – but the jury is still out on how I feel. Show me a couple of happy daughters and I’ll show you some love!!!”
Okay, too funny. That conversation with Mason made me see Kenny’s face as that’s the age I knew him. I could see it as if I were standing there. Mason worked on Smug when he left Kenny. No doubt about it.
Now, as for the gran issue, I say, you lucky dog. Who wouldn’t want to be remembered by her children’s children as young, beautiful and the best ever gran. You will be Diva Grandma Mocha. Not many can say it but you can begin the trend. But that will take you from MILF to GILF(Ick. I really hate those terms but seemed appropo here).
Trousers just makes me think of trouser snakes. I’m such a goob.
How old was YOUR mom when you made her a grandmother?
And you’re actually LUCKY. Even if Mallory waits 15 more years to give you grandkids, you’ll still be young enough to get down on the floor and crawl after them. I can barely crawl after my OWN kids!
I know the feeling girl! I’m freaked because Blondie, who just turned 21, has TWO friends having babies! One just had a girl and we went to a baby shower for the other who is due the end of this month. As we left the shower,
ME: That was nice and L seems like she is doing good and settled down since she is having this baby.
BLONDIE: Yeah, she is so much calmer now.
ME: Yeah. Fun shower. I better not be throwing one of these for you anytime soon! Do.you.understand?
BLONDIE: OH MOM! Shut up! I’m not going to get pregnant!
So scary. I miss the younger, more innocent years! They grow up so damn fast.
I am a grandma to a 3 1/2 year old and it’s great! I love that kid to death! But Blondie? That would really be a kick in the head right now for me. She’s my sunshine and I know she has so many plans for when she graduates.
Oh yeah, I was 39 when I became a grandma. But I won’t see that sweet boy until he grown. But I do know how he’s doing and everything about him.
Sue
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it! Though I was happy mine was 26 before they dove in to parenthood.
I’m telling you…the lessons he’s learning now…they’re absolutely priceless! And I get to sit there, looking all smug, and inwardly snicker!
It’s great!
I say slacks all the time and Vogue is my bible! Mocha now is the time to start crying. Wait. I meant for me! I’m tearing up just thinking about the fact that my daughter told me she doesn’t want to wear skirts to school anymore because her legs look hairy. Is this how it starts? The idea of her and I sharing a bag of razors makes me physically ill. Everywhere all around me other people’s kids are growing up but somehow I’ve remained oblivious to the fact that my kids are not immune to the maturity bug.
Kelly, No1 son left home at the weekend, he’s 16. I have been great uncle Tim to my neice’s son Zak for a year now. I still get a kick out of calling my sister (age 45) grannie.
You are so funny, Kelly. Having a baby could happen to anyone…let’s just hope your daughter isn’t ready for that type of step in her life!!
HUGS!!
Kelly,
Maybe you should pop out another baby just to prove that you are not too old to do it!
Here’s another great idea! If you are really worried about becoming a GILF(nice call Julie),and you want to torment Mason more than you and Mallory are going to with that whole clothes shopping thing. Sit him down and talk to him about all the things that “could” or “shouldn’t” happen on Homecoming Night!
PMSL… If you think there is even a vague chance that Mallory is thinking along those lines, call me. I am happy to loan Ayden to her for training purposes. Hmmmm On second thoughts, she might take one look at those delicious curls and those beautiful eyes… his awesome kisses…. and run out and get pregnant. Scratch that idea, okay. Take Bowen instead
Having an insane tornado of a child with ADHD and ODD (even Mother Theresa would be hard pressed not to strangle this kid) should scare her ovaries into silence for a few more years yet 
Pfffffffft YOU would be the coolest Gran on.the.freakin.planet!
Apparently Bowen is going to marry the eldest of the two little girls next door to us. She even wrote him a love letter. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! He’s SIX…. SIX for God’s sake. I thought I had till high school to deal with girlfriends and broken hearts and stolen kisses. SIGH…. but he gets points for taste. She IS drop.dead.gorgeous!
Love Yvonne
P.S Did anything I said make sense? Really sleep deprived today
You crack me up!!
“Slacks” works great as a way to distinguish between pants that are jeans, or casual, or kakhi, or whatever, and pants that are dressy without be part of a suit. Glad to hear its coming back into use.
And if YOU aren’t ready for the G-word, I’m not really ready for the Great-G-word!!!
Mocha Momma’s Momma
Seriously. My mother has got to stop signing in as me.
Mike – I’ve never said it. I never will.
Sarah – Ok. I can do “trousers” if I have to but only because of Wallace & Gromitt.
Dana – They simply don’t listen.
Pam – For now, I could take out my retainer. Or leave it in since I have a lisp with it.
Dwayne – We got that question with our youngest since we hadn’t planned… what am I saying? We didn’t plan any of them!
Jessica – You need good luck, too! It’s not a fun transition time, but just take deep breaths through the whole thing.
Cyndi – I believe that I will be JUST like that with the man Mallory marries, should I ever let it get that far.
Juli – I don’t know if I should feel sorry for you that you knew Kennimus at that age or if I should feel sorry for me for dealing with Kennimus Junior. Oh, and GILF? HILARIOUS. And also a little gross. But, still… funny.
Amanda – If you didn’t have the world’s prettiest hair I would smack you for that comment, though I really was waiting for SOMEONE to ask me that! She was 38. Can I at least get to 38, please? I’ve begged and begged Mallory to please wait that long.
Sue – Best of luck to Blondie and you if she can wait that long.
Cheryl – 26 would be good! I like 26. It has a nice ring to it. Because, in truth, I’ll be 41 and that’s ok. I think.
GeekyDiorGirl – Just give her the old dull razors and it will be all good. Besides, young girls shave too hard anyway. I have a nasty scar to prove that. And don’t cry. Drink tequila.
Tim – That’s just plain mean and evil. That is also why I like you so much.
Alicia – Having a baby can happen to anyone? Really? HA. I’ve always known it would haunt me, but I was hoping to hold on to age 23 for a while. It was a very good year. Now my baby has 3 short years before SHE is 23. Oy.
Tom – I can’t possibly talk to Mason about such things because I’M A GIRL and he gets grossed out. Whatever. Also, I would LOVE to have another baby but I don’t want to compete with Mallory’s kids someday…. *sigh…
Yvonne – Your sleep-deprived writing is quite good. You’re even scarier when you’ve had a lot of sleep. I should know! You may send either of those little pumpkins to me. Mason WAS my Bowen a few years ago. And look! I managed NOT to kill him.
Angie – I’m so glad you laugh at my pain. Actually, I laugh, too. It’s either that or cry. Or the tequila again.
Mom – Geez. Sleep with one eye open, ok? I say that in L-O-V-E you know.
You could be like that hot grandma from The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Was that out loud?
Someone once complimented my slacks and I never wore them again–who wants to be seen wearing slacks? Tee hee. Now the words sounds funny cause I’ve said it so many times.
It could be WAY worse–you could have been a grandma when you were thirty–I’ve seen it before and I bet you have too.
KM
Slacks? lolololol My Dad used to say that. But be afraid, very afraid if she says something is smart looking i.e.
“That’s a smart-looking pantsuit” or “Those slacks are smart”
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