When Ken and I left for St. Louis last weekend we left the boys with my mother. I called to check in I asked what she was doing.
“Vaccuuming your stairs.”
“Oh. God love ya, Mom.”
On Sunday, my grandmother came over and mom decided to get in some digs about my current housekeeping du jour because for the last year and a half that I’ve been taking classes, I don’t even do it. Not anymore. No way. Nu-uh. NO. NO. NO. There are plenty capable people who live here who have been trained in the Kelly Way To Clean.
We sat in the living room and moved the piano bench out so they could play Scrabble on it while they sat in chairs (sidenote: Granny beat my mom - I love that.) and my mom saw a pair of socks that were near the piano pedals.
Mom: “I’m pretty sure that those same pair of socks have been there since I moved in here a few weeks ago.”
Granny: “Is that right?” She wasn’t addressing me, either. They were having a conversation about my housekeeping skills right in front of me. Instantly, I was 12 years old again. How do they do that?
Mom: “Yep. I’m thinking of cleaning Kelly’s house and retiring on the change I find.”
I’m not only a poor housekeeper, but I keep money all over the house.
Oh. And I’m lazy. To wit:
As I’m lying here on the couch I realize my battery is now red (RED! RED! FIX ME, KELLY! FIX ME!) so I decide to revel in my life as a professional sloth and ask Mason to bring me a power cord.
“Mason?“
No answer.
“Mason?” I try a little louder.
My mom doesn’t say anything, but she’s behind the couch where I am permanently working on my assprint on the middle cushion. I ask her if he’s upstairs and she says that she thinks he’s in the bathroom.
“Oh.” I say to her and turn my head to really bellow it out. “MASON! MASON!“
“I’m so proud of you. Don’t move. Just yell louder, Kelly!“
Of all the things she’s said around here lately, she redeemed herself with this final one:
“I think that every Friday’s menu from now on should include tequila. Lime, salt, and tequila. Mmkay?“
I’m not complaining that she’s living here. If she wants to feed the family on a diet of Mexican liquor made from agave, she can discuss the management of my household affairs all she wants.
September 21, 2006 @ 6:17 am | Filed under Freaky Family | Permalink |
Little Latte Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 6:36 am
oooo, Tequila Friday’s sounds fab! Don’t start without me…oh PS I’m not wasting an email, I’ll just put it here that I’ll be home on Friday instead because the Project Nazi from hell is making us meet at 9am Friday…yeah. See you soon! MWAH!
Juli Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 6:56 am
That’s what I love about you Kel; you are so real life and don’t put on airs of something or someone you are not. Of course we didn’t grow up in our mother’s era of house manager. Instead we live in the, momma-better-bring-home-as-much-bacon-if-not-more-than-papa,-world, leaving no time for cleaning. And if she doesn’t bring home more than papa, then how do you pay for a housekeeper? Still, we work too hard to be June Cleavers anymore. You are fortunate Mocha’s Momma can assist you. And to have fiesta fridays to boot, how lucky are you? Seems to make up for that crappy week you were sporting. Just don’t make it a hangover saturday. Ouch.
love and hugs kido.
have a great weekend.
Dana Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 7:11 am
Man I love your family. I want to move in with you, too.
Miss you tons, Kelly! -hugs from afar-
Dana
Owlhaven Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 7:44 am
“…Don’t move. Just yell louder, Kelly”
Laughing my head off here. I’ve been there. I bought an intercom once, so I could call my kids using a lower tone of voice, but soon reverted to hollering– apparently I find it more satisfying to holler.
Mary mom to many
PS– found you at “Notes From The Trenches”
Jennifer Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 7:50 am
**LOL** Thanks for the laugh Kelly!
Oh and my lack of housekeeping is a constant topic with my grandmother as well.
All I have to say is….my kids are happy and healthy….all is well with the world!
jennifer
Heather B. Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 8:27 am
Why get up if you can scream louder?
Makes sense to me.
(I’m kicking myself for not meeting you sooner in CA. Damnt it! Though I can’t be held accountable, I’m just a zygote, I don’t know any better.)
Beth Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 8:52 am
My dad used to tell me to go get my brother for dinner, I would go to the bottom of the stairs and yell. Dad would always say “I could have done that”. I ALWAYS wanted to say “then why didnt you?”
Can I come for some tookillya please? I like the pink rose tookillya the best. Or possibly Lemon Drops…same premisis…lick shoot suck.
Mocha Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 2:55 pm
Little Latte - Hey, pumpkin! It’s wonderful that you now leave me messages ON MY BLOG. Yeah. That is so 21st century. Hurry home for Tequila Friday so you can take care of your mommy on Hangover Saturday. MWAH backatcha , kiddo.
Juli - Well, you say that having seen the state of my house. I only put on airs when I wear the pearls and heels for the Town & Country peeps who come to check out my house. HA. I want to know how YOU do it. Geez. Setting the curve a bit high there, Juba.
Dana - I keep telling you to move in with us. We’re in need of a baker. How are your cookie and cake skills? Can you make bread? The trade-off is Tequila Fridays. Get back to me.
Mary - Wouldn’t the bullhorn work just as well? Perhaps there is a bulk discount we could jump all over. Chris, from Notes from The Trenches, is oh-so-ab-fab. Getting one of her readers is a delight.
Jennifer - Our grandmothers are simply mortified at our modern ways, aren’t they? Or, maybe, they’re just jealous that we get to “have it all” and work and raise children and try to keep a house and…. are you tired from that list? Me, too.
Heather B - You would SO fit into my family with that attitude. Now, if you had time to hang out with me in Cali then you might not visit me as much.
Zygotes are like that. They take time to develop. You are rather a wise grasshopper, O Young One. I’m way overdue for a visit to you. I’m on my way.
Beth - I tried that very thing to my father! Once. Come on over, but you best have the makings for Lemon Drops with you.
steve Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 2:58 pm
Kelly, anybody who can come up with a weekly menu which includes (or is consisted of) the juice of the most likeable cactus on the planet gets a free ride at my place. Salud!
I think mebbe I would like your Mom.
How does she feel about rotund racontuers?
~(:=0)
Shash Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 3:24 pm
What time does Tequila Friday start? I need to book my ticket so I can be there on time!!!
I’ll bring the margarita pitcher!
Shash
Mrs RW Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 4:03 pm
Did you ever try the “5-minute company’s coming” cleaning method? Method: Close all doors on 2nd floor. Take big box and run around 1sr floor madly putting all stray items into said box. Take damp rag and swiftly run it over tables and counters. Make sure to wipe off the toilet. For some reason if your toilet’s clean, people assume the rest of the house is, too. Hide box of “stuff” in the garage (or basement or the back deck). Spray windex (or pine-sol)around (it smells clean). Ta-dah! Instant clean house. Of course this method really improves if you replace all your lightbulbs with 25-watt bulbs, plus it increases the “mood factor”.
Dana Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 4:18 pm
“How are your cookie and cake skills?”
Funny you should mention baking. Did you see that cake I made and decorated for Dawson’s birthday?
I’m excellent at baking. Decorating? Not so much.
Thing is, Dawson would have to move in with me. How do y’all feel about a “Terrible Two Year Old”?
dragon-mum Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 4:39 pm
Kelly… pmsl@you as usual. Thank you for the laugh. I needed it today. Very bad night. I can cook like a demon, bake, make bread from scratch that will make your heart melt. I love Tequila and am awesome (admittedly quite anal) about housekeeping. If you adopt me…. I’ll take over all above duties. Extra Tequila allowance will add laundry, groceries, ironing and dishes to the list. I am also willing to be your personal body slave in the hope all your goodness might “rub off” on me. And I promise NOT to plump your arse print out of the couch!
NOW ADOPT ME!
I promise to leave Soggy behind with the kids. Oh I’m going to amuse myself all.damn.day with that mental image. Bwah hahahahahahaha
Love Yvonne
P.S Insurance company have axed my surgery. Will update when I know more
Inquiring Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 5:36 pm
OMG! I could also be accused of being lazy while in grad school. I am often sitting on the sofa laptop in hand screamin up the stairs for my son to bring me iced tea or something that I am too lazy to get up for. I have noticed that I tend to call on my son more often than our daughter. She’d tell me to get off my lazy hiney and get it myself…
Tequilla for dinner sounds like a great plan.
EricAtRandom Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 7:09 pm
Yeah, I didn’t get the housework gene either. But I always thought it was on that one chain in the second “X” chromosome that guys don’t get on the “Y”. My problems come in two varieties… first, I know it’s clean for 5 minutes before three little kids trash it again, and second, I’m not so bothered by clutter that cleaning it up is worth it.
And don’t sit on my cushion on the couch… that dent is JUST MY SIZE!
Tanilan Said,
September 22, 2006 @ 7:20 am
OH.MY.LORD. I need tequila so bad right now…and it’s like 9:18 in the morning. I don’t even like tequila. I’m not having a good day at all.
Erin Said,
September 22, 2006 @ 6:08 pm
That’s too damned funny. I wish my relationship with my mother was that way - instead she calls me when she has a mess and orders me to her house to clean it. And I haven’t lived with her in more than 8 years! I love the wit of your family. Just. Love. It.
DavidShag Said,
September 23, 2006 @ 5:09 am
The nice thing about being a guy is no one even expects your place to be clean. You get all kinds of admiration if people can find a place to sit. And if your Mom has seen those socks lying there ever since she came, and just left them there, then i think perhaps the apple has fallen a bit closer to the tree than she pretends…
dragon-mum Said,
September 25, 2006 @ 4:20 pm
I would just like to point out that I offered to be your personal body slave….. and to cook and clean forever amen for you…… and you say nothing. (Sniffle sob sulk)
Does this mean I have to stay here with the cranky monster and his spawn? pmsl
Love Yvonne