It could be that the clip in my hair is too tight, but Kennimus is making some really good meals since I’ve been sick. Unless, of course, this illness was brought on by his cooking in which case I should stop dissing his cooking right now or else he’ll never feed me again. He does have issues with bacon, however, and I want to tell him in front of God and all of you that the bacon is not, I repeat, NOT out to get him.
I turned my back for one minute to cut a potato (to fry in the skillet with lots of grease and salt) and when I turned back it was this! THIS. Look! It’s burned.
Ok, Kennimus. The bacon smote you and you can get back on the horse. It’ll be ok.
Lecturing the children on all things intimate (Honest to God, children. Do you think you could STOP RUINING MY EXPENSIVE BRAS FROM VICTORIA’S SECRET? PLEASE? JUST. DON’T. TOUCH THEM.) has gotten me no where because they no longer dry my bras in the dryer and that’s all good and dandy (it’s ok that I use a word like “dandy” like Granny would use because, let’s face it, I buy sexy bras and that’s how I make myself feel better with these yes-we-were-working-breasts boobs I haul around) but now? Well, they’re washing their very heavy jeans with my bras and when it wraps around the legs of the jeans and rips out the wires and gets tangled.
Right now, at this very moment, the greasy potatoes are making the bra-ruining only slightly more bearable.
Things That Make Me Feel Better When I’m Sick
1. Greasy fried potatoes.
2. Kennimus offering to give me “protein shots”. That come in a series.
3. Kennimus offering to lather up my boobs chest with Vick’s VapoRub.
4. Playing with the Hockneyizer on flickr. See?
5. Time alone with my thoughts. Oh, hell no. That ain’t good.
6. Being ravenously hungry all the time.
This being hungry thing is not so much fun. (Oh, and let me now just announce that I am not pregnant. I’m not voraciously stuffing food into my mouth because there is a baby growing inside me. I do that all on my own and need not be with child for my stomach to cry out that it needs sustenance and could I please OVEREAT so it feels better. So, those evil thoughts you had about me getting knocked up? Stop them. Because I’m not. Not a chance. STEP AWAY FROM MY UTERUS.) Ok, back to being hungry: it sucks. Especially now that we have something extra special and shiny and new in this house that has super much a lot to do with that free TiVo box we got: we got cable channels! With cooking shows! And really pretty, glossy men and women who cook! With accents!
Some of them are just too cute for words. I have always dearly loved Nigella from Nigella Bites mostly because she had hips (I, too, have hips) and breasts (that’s been established, I believe) and didn’t mind sticking her finger directly into a bowl from which she was stirring and that’s so realistic. But this Giada chick? Well, I just can’t take watching her cuteness for too long. She has maximized her Cuteness Potential and I can’t take it. Especially when I’m sick in bed.
What sucks about it is that I can’t get up to create some fabulous dish that these people do in 30 minutes minus commercials and plus the help of some amazing people whose job it is to lovinlgy place the 9 x 13 pan with a rack in it within the space of light whereupon the meat glistens thus making my mouth water. It’s been watering for some time since a co-worker of mine was discussing how much he loves to cook for his wife.
“…and then I take the mahi-mahi that is cut into cubes and put them in the pan to sear them in the hot olive oil. Then I add the spices and some garlic… ooh, I love garlic… and I take the shallots…”
He went on like this for some time. It was all quiet and the five other women sitting at the table with me all leaned in like he was putting us in some trance. A strange, sexualized version of the The Joy of Cooking.
“… and when it’s done I pour it over rice and top it with some fresh parsley and serve it with a dry white wine.”
Honest to God! I was turned on and felt myself fanning my face with paper.
“Whew! I don’t know about you girls, but I’m a little turned on and may need a moment. Would you all excuse us?”
See this? This is why people continue to invite me to meetings. It’s easy to get me all hot and bothered with some damn food talk that has me drooling on the table.
Food and sex seem to be what my thoughts are all about as I lie here. And, ok, my thoughts aren’t all meta and shit, but still… I’m going to make out with this saltine cracker right now.
December 27, 2006 @ 8:06 am | Filed under Everyday Mundane | Permalink |
deannie Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 8:32 am
Food…yum…what were you saying again?
Get well soon! Many hug,
krista Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 8:37 am
I hope you and your bras aren’t harassed anymore by anything you don’t enjoy.
I agree the hockenyzer on flicker is wicked. Love it.
Heather B. Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 9:25 am
I love that when women decide to eat their weight in Mac and cheese or just decide to eat without stop, people will automatically jump to the (wrong) conclusion that they might be pregnant. So then we are forced to preface shit with I’M NOT PREGNANT. Hell, I do it and people will assume that I’m pregnant and I’m all “Uhhh…no. I just enjoy eating Christmas dinner everyday for a week.”
I hope you feel better soon though!
Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 9:25 am
Egad. I hope you feel better soon. Too many ‘protein shots’ and vick vapo rubs can lead to other things….You don’t need that do you??? *smirk*
Hope you get well soon…For the new year too…
furiousball Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 9:31 am
I’ve been trying to beat a cold for the past three weeks as well, I’ve found that peanut butter cap’n crunch is the bomb-diggity when it comes to self-soothing. That flickr thingamajob is awesome btw.
Sarah Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 10:06 am
I’ve been all over popcorn with tons of salt with this cold. I’m already planning the fact that I’m going to be having that for a snack tonight (yeah, it’s 11:00 a.m.)! I feel like eating tons of salt makes my throat feel better. You know, it kind of disinfects it. Just like gargling with saltwater, only it tastes better! Yesterday I got a belly ache from eating about six homemade candies at work in the afternoon. Yeah, I’m eating.
Lisa S. Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 10:51 am
I highly recommend white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies with a glass of milk every time you feel a little bit bad. By the end of your illness your butt will be so big you’ll have to call in one extra day to go shopping for a new pair of pants! haha….don’t fall into the white chocolate chip trap…no no run from it my new friend!!!!
Daisy Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 11:44 am
It’s like having a house full of holiday chocolate and having PMS at the same time. Nope, there’s no choclate left in the house now! But I love your line: “Stay away from my uterus!” I’ve got to use it some time.
Amy Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 11:49 am
I love my bra bag. My mom bought it for me for my birthday. It’s made by woolite. Now my bras stay in the bag nice and neat while in the washer.
I hope you start feeling better.
I always like hot apple cider when I have a cold.
Beth Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 11:59 am
I agree…food and sex are the perfect combo. I had made a mention to a friend that I bought my (now ex) boyfriend a subscription to playboy and a box of chocolates. The friends response was “chocolate and sex a good combo.” I said “Just add me and we got a winner!” I think he about died.
Now I am hungry and horny…thanks.
lara Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
hearing about the ruined bras makes me sad. not quite as sad as hearing about ruined shoes would, but still - pretty sad. also, big thanks for bringing the flickr toys to my attention, because i have been having So Much Fun with them.
i hope the food and sex thoughts make the illness bearable until it goes away. if not, try some hard liquor. in large quantities. i’m no doctor, but it sounds like it would work, right?
RWA Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 1:59 pm
I’m not going to discuss your “protein shots,” Vicks Vapo-rubs on your boobs…uhh….chest and making out with saltines.
But that picture trick is pretty cool.
Dave2 Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 5:12 pm
Now see, when I am feeling sick, I like to lather Vick’s Vapor Rub into boobs myself. However, it is not always easy to locate a lady that willing to be a part of my “healing process” so I usually just end up reading blogs instead.
rachel Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 5:15 pm
gah. Hope you get better soon.
I’m laid low with a virus too. I hate it when it hurts to breathe!
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
December 27, 2006 @ 7:50 pm
*snort!*
Okay Dave2, that was funny.
Wow, lady you’re just wracking up the coffee cup quotes:
“STEP AWAY FROM MY UTERUS”
“Offer to give me ‘protein shots’”
Of course those quotes do seem a bit contradictory, don’t they?
dragon-mum Said,
December 28, 2006 @ 1:21 am
Too busy laughing to speak.
Get smaller boobs and bras become non viable! I KNEW there was a good reason God didn’t hand me a rack! My bras are all cotton, no wires, (or lace or anything vaguely sexy, but that’s another issue) and you can wash em with ANYTHING and they still look the same.
Still I understand them being ruined would piss you off. I am pretty sure VS is expensive kinda stuff.
Dave2, you are welcome to come slather me in as much Vicks as you wish. I am happy to participate in “the healing”. I might even feel a little better myself. My husband will be glad of the repreive cause he HATES the smell of the stuff!
I’d like the ingredients list for a protein shot please
Snicker, chuckles, snort, cough, bbark, sniffle 
I tell you that the germs are spreading via the blogisphere cause the commenters are getting all getting sick. Dont believe me? Scroll back a few days and see who was sick. Now check who is sick. Messes with the head hey? LOL
Much love, tissues and boob rubs
Your partner in boogers
Yvonne
Suebob Said,
December 28, 2006 @ 7:00 am
Yes, Giada is just entirely too petite and cute to be making huge plates of pasta…Make the cuteness stop!!
I used to get embarrassingly hot and bothered by the sight of men…oh my gosh…cleaning with latex gloves on…at my old work. Yep, boys, I like to watch you scrub.
Mocha Momma » Observations From The Bed Said,
December 28, 2006 @ 9:04 am
[...] 7. The best thing I’ve read this week was Christopher Moore’s The Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove. Absolutely hilarious. The town psychiatrist decides to take everyone off their meds and replaces them with placebos. Also, a giant lizard comes out of the water causing everyone to be super horny. Sex is rampant. Thus, yesterday’s post. The lizard/beast has a thing for mounting oil tankers that produce disastrous results. An excerpt: “She purred, taunting and teasing him from the front of the deserted Texaco station. That come-hither rumble. That low, sexy growl. Those silver flanks reflecting fog and the red Texaco sign called to him, begged him to mount her.” Honestly, just read it. [...]
Belinda Said,
December 28, 2006 @ 2:51 pm
There is no possible way that Giada actually eats the food she prepares, either. Nuh-uh.
Dana Said,
December 28, 2006 @ 6:41 pm
I love the Hockneyezer thing! That is toooo, toooo much fun!