I wasn’t always this way. Before this, I was kind, sweet, mindful of time and grateful. But then, I started fighting with every teacher Mason ever had and that was due to the fact that I was now playing the role of Mom and Educational Advocate and there wasn’t time to be nice anymore.
Enter the Cast Iron Bitch who didn’t give one shit what those teachers thought about my son. My son who came into my family and was placed in my care and forced me to learn more than I ever wanted to know about ADHD. What I didn’t expect, however, was that all of it would make me a better teacher.
One of my own students who was particularly hyperactive (and whose name I will never forget) was in my class around the same time we were exploring this new and wondrous discovery about Mason. His name was Chad. The name of the parent organization which helps with ADD and ADHD is C.H.A.D.D. He was in 7th grade and couldn’t possibly sit through a lesson without bothering everyone around him. His work was finished before everyone else’s and was sloppily done, but done correctly. Some days I worried about him making it to his next class because I wanted to cut off the oxygen flow to his brain since he tapped his pencil continuously and rocked back and forth precariously on the chair legs.
Alas, it’s against the rules to strangle our students.
Sensitivity to these issues were heightened because of Mason and all I could think ever after was, “This is somebody’s child. These are other people’s children. What would I want Mason’s teacher to do for him?”
Chad and I had to have a little talk. I invited him to have lunch with me in my classroom and we came up with a plan.
“Chad, look… we have to work something out because I don’t want everyone to think you’re an annoyance all the time when you’re behaving in the only way you ever have. Here’s the deal, ok? You’ll sit still and practice following me around the room with your eyes and stay focused for 20 minutes each day. After that 20 minutes is up, you have Standing Priveleges. You can get up, walk around, and move as much as your body needs to move. Deal?”
He took it. We tweaked it here and there when he started pulling on student’s chairs and kicking the walls when he was, once again, unfocused. After that, the other students told on him when he was being irritating (their word, not mine) and then his priveleges would be revoked and he had to practice sitting and focusing again. Eventually, he began to organize my book shelves, do puzzles and brain teasers at my desk (another privelege he worked toward) and helping keep the classroom clean.
Oh, how I wish Mason’s teachers did the same thing after I worked so hard to help Chad. Some did. Many did not.
At conferences I would hear the same thing. When they answered my querries about giving him alternatives with “We do things this way in my room…” and “I expect every OTHER child to…” These statements infuriated me. I heard them come from the mouths of his teachers, but I translated all of those things into “THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE. THERE ISN’T ANY OTHER WAY.” That betrays a lack of imagination and expertise on the part of a teacher. Their teaching experience tells them that they know this one thing and this one thing is the only way.
“Have you exhausted all the possibilities about him learning what everyone else is to learn?”
“Have you tried everything you know to help him succeed?”
“Is he an anomoly? Is he the first child you have EVER had in your classroom like this?”
These unanswered questions were met with that kind, sweet, mindful, gracious Mom who came to meetings concerned about her son and watched all care and concern get thrown out the window. These teachers would rue to moment they ever turned me off with their insensitivity. Mason’s 7th grade math teacher told me that Mason couldn’t sit still and annoyed him when he constantly asked to sharpen his pencil and go to the bathroom and get a tissue.
[Sidenote: What teacher in their right mind would ever have to TELL a parent of a child with ADHD that their kid can't sit still? Really, you asshole!? Thanks for that NEW INFORMATION ABOUT MY KID!]
When I suggested that Mason have Standing Priveleges like the geography teacher allowed, Mr. Hinds condescendingly replied, “That wouldn’t be fair to all the other students, now would it?”
Stage right. Enter Cast Iron Bitch complete with hostile, tight-fitting costume (which both irritates and chafes) and mood lighting to accentuate her angry features, sharp chin, and crooked witch-like nose.
“That’s damn right it isn’t fair. It isn’t FAIR that my child has trouble focusing. It isn’t FAIR that other children can learn easily without any modifications. It isn’t FAIR that Mason needs to simply stand up and walk around the room once in a while AND YOU WON’T LET HIM!”
The Bitch hasn’t left the scene. She’s still center stage. But when those teachers see me coming now with the reputation that precedes me, they know they’re about to get a close up of a professional performance.
Best damn role of my life.
January 19, 2007 @ 6:03 am | Filed under Adrenalized | Permalink |
Karen Rani Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 6:11 am
Right on! Good for you Kelly. You’re such an awesome Mama.
VENTL8R Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 6:34 am
Don’t mess with Momma Bear….
Go get’em, tigress!!
Gillian Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 7:06 am
I tutor a 5 year old who is hyper. I’m not prepared or qualified to make a medical judgment on a kid that young, I’m just trying to help him read and stay in his chair for a few minutes at a time. I reward him for sitting still for 5 minutes by writing a plus on a piece of paper. If he ignores me 3 times in a row I write a minus. (I make sure he always ends up with more plusses than minuses by the end of the hour, and praise the heck out of him whenever he does something well). I send him off twice an hour to wash his hands, fetch his pencil, run a lap around the kitchen, just so he can move around and get the wiggles out. He is doing great - as much as his mom and I both want to strangle him sometimes, we try to laugh instead, and love him.
The frustrating thing is . . . he CAN read. Pup, top, hand, go, the. He can pretty much sound out anything. But he struggles to read 30 words in under a minute (every day’s assignment). If he’s timed, he flips out and starts to make things up. If he doesn’t know he’s timed, and he can go slowly, he reads them all perfectly, even sounds out totally new words without a mistake. I called the teacher, and tried in my most non-threatening way to ask how I can support her, how I can make this kid a success in the classroom. She said exactly the same thing - “the other kids can do it.” I say he finished in 1 minute 4 seconds - she says that’s 4 seconds too slow. She’s holding him up from learning because of a technicality. He can read. Isn’t that what we’re trying to teach him??
Anyway, in order to pass K, he has to read words like “distribution,” “knowledge,” and “excellent” - 30 of them in under a minute. She told me on the phone she plans to fail him. I’m thinking of telling his mom to pull him out of this crazy private church school and put him in public school. I guess what I’m saying here is that I’m not a mom, but I am emotionally vested in a hyper child whose teacher is wrecking his success, his confidence, and his future educational prospects because he doesn’t fit the mold of the other, apparently angelic well-behaved always-seated and fourth-grade-reading-level 5 year olds in her 8hoursaday K class. Grrrrrrrr. What is a tutor to do?
Marty Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 7:27 am
As a person affected by ADD, I can only wish that I had more teachers that realized how to HELP IT instead of merely recognizing it. Although I did have some teachers who went out of their way to help, most of the time it was to help me get my work done, not necessarily work with my ADD (granted, when I was a kid, how to deal with ADD was a lot less was known).
I feel for you - there are plenty of great ways to help children with ADHD succeed; why it’s okay to help SOME children with learning disabilities is okay but not use special methods to help a child with ADHD to help themselves seems short-sighted to me.
Jennifer Smith Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 8:19 am
You Rock! Great Work, I hope more teachers stand up and take notice of the way you were able to work with children with ADHD.
You are so strong.
Chase Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 8:56 am
Please post pictures of skin-tight Cast Iron Bitch costume. Or discreetly email them to me. Thanks.
Aimee Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 9:49 am
Wow. I so have been on the other side of the desk in these situations as a teacher. I can actually hear myself saying, “I don’t let the other students in my classroom walk around, why would I let your son?” That would have been my response - until this year. I have been in a classroom with students with some extreme issues. It became obvious that regular classroom techniques were not going to work. It sent me off to study on my own about just what, exactly, was going on with these kids! I was shocked to find how little I knew about the physiology behind these issues. It finally became clear to me that there are physical, can-not-be-helped reasons for these kids acting the way they do. I get it now. I was like you when you first discovered that Mason thought he was only moving his fingers when he was actually moving all over the place. You were educated in that moment. I’ve been educated by these students this year. My point is this: perhaps the real problem here is a lack of training for teachers in colleges. Most teachers I know would prefer to Solve the issues that students like Mason create, but a lack of knowledge prevents that from happening. I’m curious to know whether you feel like the training you’ve received for teaching would have prepared you for Mason, or if all of your knowledge has come strictly from your experience as a mother. I guess in some way I’m sticking up for the bad guys here because I believe that a lack of knowledge (a.k.a. ignorance) is the root of this problem - not evil people.
Jenn Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 10:38 am
I’ve been battling with a similar issue with my six year old kindergartener. The conventional classroom where she has to sit in her seat and stay quiet for long periods of time just don’t work for her. She gets frustrated, she just needs to MOVE but that isn’t allowed, and needless to say, she’s starting to really dislike school because she is ALWAYS in trouble.
I just wish more teachers knew how to help work with kids who don’t learn in the more traditional way. Good on you for taking huge leaps outside the box to help kids who are just wired differently.
Big R Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 12:00 pm
Good for you! Being a stand up, take charge MOMMA! Kids who have this disorder need Mom’s like you! Funny, but when I was diagnosed with this they didn’t know ANYTHING about it, my DAD thought he could punish it out of me. Take anyway outside after school play time and then it was take away my favorite toys. Sometimes I was “grounded” like no outside time or friends house for 1 week. Nothing ever worked. I use to hate the notes the teachers would send home. “after repeated attempts to keep your daughter from disrupting the class, she was sent to the office” I think I actually got a spanking for that one. But Oh, do I love to tease Dad with the guilty teatment. “Dad, you grounded me for a learning disorder” He gets all upset. But good for you for knowing that these kids need a small or large adjustment to their learning environment. You would accomidate a child with any other learning problem. ADHD can’t be helped either, and those people who don’t believe it is real. Well, I hope they get the chance to experience this disorder first hand.
Heather B. Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 12:12 pm
And people think that being a bitch is a bad thing. Sometimes it can be a good quality to have.
Karoli Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 12:34 pm
You hit it right on the money, but it was Aimee’s comment above that made me cry.
I tried for so long to get the teachers to “get it”. I have my own story about that, and every time I’d hear the “it wouldn’t be fair to the other students” I’d just want to rise up and scream something stupid about life not being fair to anyone anyway so why should my son be singled out?
No one “got it” till high school, when the incessant tapping turned into a drumbeat and their drumline won the SoCa drumline champs the year he was a freshman.
Suddenly tappers were heroes to teachers and students alike. It hasn’t changed for the last 4 years there. But the middle school is an entirely different story. I’ll save that for the blog, though.
Mommela Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 2:05 pm
Had there only been a Cast Iron Bitch to support my brother when his second-grade teacher ripped up his work and threw it in the trash, then told him he shouldn’t have lived through his open-heart surgery the previous year (1970)… He’s still affected by that especially now this his eldest daughter is about to begin school.
May there be more teachers like you, Mocha.
J to the Wall Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 3:29 pm
Standing privlidges?? I have NEVER denied a kid that…and they don’t even have to have ADD/ADHD! Sometimes they just feel better standing. I stood to take my master’s mid-term this past semester…everyone kept staring at me. However, I worked better standing!
Mocha Momma Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 3:37 pm
Gillian - It is my personal and professional opinion to have him moved out of that school based on your comments. His self-esteem will shrink rapidly over time and he will be a frustrated, difficult child as a reaction to this unreasonable request. You can quote me on that.
Marty - My favorite thing you said was that we need to differentiate between recognizing it and start helping it. Dead on.
Chase - Sure thing. I’d send it on to you but the chafing, my God, the chafing.
Jenn - We have the same wish, which brings me to Aimee’s comment…
Aimee - You couldn’t be more astute in your question: teachers need more training on how to identify ADHD as a real problem that needs to be addressed and not something within the child’s control. I have to admit, however, that God gave me this child so that I could be a better teacher and it was identifying it in my own that made me recognize how often we brush it off or say that they’ll somehow “grow out of it” when they do not. I don’t believe his teachers were all evil, but they surely were shortsighted. We used to talk about what we teach students in the classroom and now take a different standpoint: What did they LEARN? because that is the more important question. Believe me, I have my share of Dr. Phil moments with teachers when I finally have to ask: So, how’s that workin’ for ya? when they can’t see the forest for the trees.
Karoli - It was YOUR comment that made ME cry to hear about the drumline that saved your son. These are VALUABLE PEOPLE we’re talking about here. The artists, the great thinkers, the ones who challenge us to think in new ways. We couldn’t survive without them.
Mommela - Geez, did you have to make me cry, too? Teachers like that embarrass me and my craft. For the record, they aren’t TEACHERS. Real teachers don’t do that.
Daisy Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 4:30 pm
Reasonable accomodation — You Go, Girl! Fair doesn’t mean identical. It means meeting each student’s needs.
PS: I enjoyed my own “Chad” in grades 5 and 6. I “looped” him. Maybe he moved down your way in 7th.
Mocha Momma Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 4:39 pm
Daisy - I’m reading a book right now called “Fair Isn’t Always Equal” but it’s not just about ADHD and learning differences. It’s a good resource. Umm…I looped MY Chad from 7th to 8th! Thank God I figured out some of those things about him in 7th grade or the next year would have been hellish. Simply put, I wanted to LEARN from my him so I could LIVE with him.
dragon-mum Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 6:01 pm
I started typing a comment and it got too long. I’ll save it for my blog instead. As usual Kelly, I am sitting here nodding along and crying as well. Most of the comments made me bawl. My kids are looking at me funny. God gave you Mason cause HE KNEW you would get through and shine a guiding light for sufferers, parents, family, friends, tutors and teachers alike. When are you writing this as a book? I would have PAID ANY AMOUNT to read a book from a mothers view. Without all the technical gobbledygook. I would have donated all my internal organs just to KNOW that I wasnt the only mother feeling guilty and ashamed. Have I told you how much I love you lately? Look at the angel, she’ll tell you I do!
Oh and I secone Chase’s comment. Bugger the chafing. I WANT PICS TOO!
ms. sizzle Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 7:35 pm
new to your blog (hi!) from snackie. this is such a great post! mason is lucky to have a mom that fights for his right to have an education. i work with foster kids and see them struggle and having no one to stand up for them- you’re such an advocate and ally! it’s awesome to read.
margalit Said,
January 19, 2007 @ 11:06 pm
Nothing brings out the bear in a mamma like a teacher who is inflexible. As the parent of a VERY adhd kid who is also bipolar and can’t sit still for a second, even on meds, I’ve dealt many times with teachers who want my son to behave in ways that are impossible. Finally it dawned on me to have on his IEP that he must be allowed to get up and move, he’s allowed to have a squeeze ball in his hands, he’s allowed to tap the ERASER of a pencil on the desk (quietly) and he’s allowed to go to the bathroom (so he can walk around) whenever he wants. Even with the IEP he has had teachers that refuse to follow it, and I’ve had to use an attorney or threats of an attorney to get the teacher to bend. But we did have one teacher that was so out of compliance that my son was allowed to skip her class and go hang out in the office, just so he wouldn’t explode.
After today’s school murder nearby by a 16 year old Aspie, I’m wondering what the backlash is going to be about inclusion of sped kids into the regular classroom….again.
Lady M Said,
January 20, 2007 @ 1:25 am
Go, Mama! I learn so much from reading your posts (and the comments).
Chris Said,
January 20, 2007 @ 8:35 am
You go girl! I’ve always wanted to be a teacher..and stories like this make me want to do it even more. I don’t understand teachers that do not have the best interest of ALL their students in their hearts and minds. Obviously allowing Mason to walk around would prevent other children from possibly being distracted by him asking permission for something he NEEDS to do for himself. In the end it’s a win win situation for everyone. I wish I could say talk to the superintendent but my faith is lost in them lately as ours is just an overpaid over conceited idiot. I hope you find a way to make these teachers listen so that Mason has a better year and that they do not repeat these mistakes with others. And I don’t mean to step on toes (I prob. haven’t been visiting here enough to offer advice..but here goes) or defend their behavior or any such thing, but as I carry my own membership to Cast Iron Bitch (only over issues not really equivalent to yours)Remember that there is a lot of Confusion and misinformation about ADHD out there. Also people resist change. You may find that being creative in your solutions to make the teachers more understanding may actually get you farther w/ less side effects for Mason. If not…I’d love to see a pic of the costume
Heidi Said,
January 20, 2007 @ 9:12 am
Does the skin-tight Cast Iron Bitch costume come with a riding crop? Just asking. For a friend.
Elizabeth Said,
January 20, 2007 @ 10:15 am
Woot Woot! Rock on!
A Million Paths Said,
January 20, 2007 @ 7:24 pm
I’m going to preface this by saying I am not a mom, and that though I’ve taught I am not a teacher. I have an academically gifted kid sister who is bored with school but she’s not LD. With that said, I don’t think that the “traditional” method of education is the best method of learning for *any* kid. Yes, “normal” kids can sit there for hours and get things drilled into their skulls, they can “cope”, but that’s all it is - coping. It’s not thriving or developing. The reality is, education is less about educating kids and more about keeping kids busy and out of the workforce, thus keeping unemployment rates low. It’s also about conditioning behavior. ADHD kids and LD kids just hi-light the failings of the educational system.
Aynde Said,
January 21, 2007 @ 6:05 pm
Mocha - I have been reading your post about Mason with great interest. I too am fighting the educational powers that be to help my son. He is not ADHD but had similar issues with focus and concentration. I know I am not alone but it’s good to hear (well not good in the happy yay sense) other parents gripes out loud. I’m not the only bitchy mom out there. (my son’s teachers won’t return my phone calls)*Laughs*
Lia Said,
January 21, 2007 @ 9:04 pm
Love it! When I was teaching I had no problems making modifications for students because it the long run not only was it better for them but it was better for me too. I will never understand teachers who have a “my way or the highway” attitude.
Natalie Said,
January 22, 2007 @ 12:33 pm
Oh. Yeah.
Been there and doin’ that now. Oldest’s teacher does treat him differently and it’s not in a good way. She chastises him in front of other students and when he raises his hand (like he’s supposed to do versus just yelling out) she tells him he’s being “high maintenance.”
We had an emergency meeting with the asst. principal, teacher, special ed teacher, and the school social worker.
S and I really put it to them and trotted out every single thing that has happened over the period of time he’s been in this teacher’s classroom.
Suffice to say, we came to an agreement of what will and will not happen in her classroom.
I’ve taken notes of your answers as they totally rock.
We have an IEP meeting coming up.
I’m puttin’ on my Kevlar and coming out shooting… cast iron bullets.
chris Said,
January 22, 2007 @ 7:13 pm
Go YOU!!!
Chad sounds exactly like my son. He never stops tapping, fidgeting, humming…etc.
The thing I have learned about parenting so many children, is that it can not always be equal. My son is up late into the night. He has trouble settling down. He can’t help that. But he can try to use his powers for good
He has fixed my dishwasher, refolded my towels in the closet, washed floors, baked muffins, organized the mudroom closet. All of these things at 10pm or later. Now that he has developed a love for reading, he will frequently stay awake late into the night reading.
jenB Said,
January 23, 2007 @ 1:26 am
all of this makes me wonder if someone would have caught on to my “ADD” symptoms when i was a kid. you know, like 8 million years ago. Mason is lucky to have a strong advocate. My parents NEVER would have got involved in such things.
Megs Said,
January 23, 2007 @ 5:44 pm
As someone who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD - thank you.
Thank you for protecting your child.
Thank you for working with other people’s children.
I can appreciate that you have this “costume” that you don every so often,and I’m sure your son does also.