I’m looking for my Happy Place right now and it’s not as if I’ve misplaced it. It’s more like I don’t quite know where it is.
Because work has been so hectic lately and my classes are under way, I am doing what I always do when everything becomes too hard. I’m losing it. It’s a shame I have to quote such a stupid movie, but it’s times like this when I have to use a St. Elmo’s Fire quote to explain how I’m feeling.
It is the scene when Demi Moore’s character has “lost it” and gets fired from her job and is sitting in an empty apartment and Rob Lowe’s character comes to her aid to help her out when all their friends are worried about her. She’s trying to tell him how she feels and all she can manage is: “I’m so tired. I didn’t think I’d be this tired at 22.” By the time I saw that movie I was raising two kids and taking undergraduate classes and I wasn’t even quite 22 yet, but I knew exactly what she was talking about.
I’m so tired.
While flipping channels in bed prior to going to sleep on Tuesday night I caught the first 5 minutes of Oprah’s show about working mothers versus stay-at-home moms and it instantly got under my skin. It’s awful that women are constantly pitted against one another to show who works harder or has made the better decision.
“I’m home caring for my children. I work hard. I stay home because I want to and choose to do so.”
“I’m working 12-hour days and then coming home to care for my children. I work hard. I think, even, that I’m a better mother when I’m working because of the structure.”
Finger pointing, blaming, one-upping each other. It gets us no where. Where is that Happy Place for women when they get tired? What is it that they do? Because I’m trying to take care of myself and it’s just not enough. It’s the Wanting that’s doing me in.
Not too long ago I read this post and left a comment that I didn’t mean to leave because it was so vulnerable of me. I debated before deciding to comment. Then, I felt the need to pass her writing along to this wonderful woman and she wrote more about it, too. It’s this damn Wanting that is holding me up from so many things. Even recently, when a comment was left here about how I “do it all” only gave me a prideful feeling for about 20 seconds before I thought once again about the women of my generation who have it All. It was a moment of clarity for me in my early 20s before I posed questions to myself about this career-family balance.
What if I don’t WANT it all? What if I tell ALL to go away and leave me alone and stop demanding so much from me? What, now at this point in my life, can I give up? Having it ALL makes me tired and it’s no one’s fault but my own because I made choices that got me here. Here is a strange, unknown place at times because Here doesn’t offer everything I want or need and makes me often wonder about leaving Here to go There.
So I sit here and ponder the here and the there and the all and the tiredness of the whole mess. I think of the conversation I just had with my mother recently about the phenomenon that was the literary achievement of Lady Chatterley’s Lover (Mom gave it a thumbs down. Her final assessment was: Don’t believe the hype.) when one of the characters, so taken in with another, says, “Thou shits and thou pisses” as if it’s such a fantastic thing. I don’t have it All. I have a lot going on, but I don’t have it All. Do you have it? Did you take it and not leave a forwarding address as to where I can find it?
More importantly, do I want to find it?
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I don’t have it all. I’m want to be thinner. I want more money. I want more close friends.
But I don’t.
And you know what? I’m perfectly happy. I’m content with where and who I am. So my marriage isn’t perfect – whose is? I pray that we raise our daughter up right and not end up on Montel when she’s 17.
Count your blessings, Kelly. You’ve done a bang-up job with Mason and Mallory. Step back and admire.
And just stop.
Breathe.
Appreciate.
Accept.
Live.
I don’t have it all either.
Sometimes I think that I want it all, but then I wonder if it would make things more complicated.
I’m 24 and “I’m so tired”. I too need a vacation, somewhere warm and tropical would be good. I know that this vacation will include looking at pictures of wonderful places on the internet and then dreaming about actually going there.
There, it’s that word that makes you think about not being here and how much “better” things could be.
On a lighter note, I saw that Yahoo has an article about caffine not only waking you up, but making you smarter.
So get you mocha on!!
Don’t worry about the there, liva and bask in the here and now. It’s a much better feeling.
I don’t have it All. I once thought I wanted it All and I was miserable in all that wanting. As soon as I realized I was content and happy with what I did have, having it All wasn’t quite so important. I can’t have it All, I don’t want it All, instead I savor what I have.
My husband asked me just yesterday if I was happy. I was pleased to say, that yes, I am VERY happy with my life. He asked what I would change if I could and the only thing I could come up with was being able to work part time instead of full time. I’d love to have more time to enjoy my kids and everything I do have, but, I’m happy with the time I get. It could be worse.
Oh, and that exhaustion thing? I can honestly say I think it’s a mom thing, I really do. All my mom friends are exhausted constantly, while my childless friends seem to have endless reams of boundless energy. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel absolutely exhausted down to my bones.
Hugs to Kelly!
it’s tough families, very tough.
here’s my mantra…
“Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.” – Viktor Frankl
Lord, I hate those “moms” vs. “women without kids” debates. And I think what drives me nuts is that they always devolve into “my way of being a woman is the only REAL way of being a woman” ranting sessions, with folks all feeling forced to take sides and present arms. I consider myself a feminist and, to me, feminism is at its best when it helps women have more options to choose from and then gets the Hell out of the way and let’s them choose. If all we’re doing is substituting the expectations of Victorian era men (women should stay home, raise the kids and only speak when spoken to) with the expectations of 1960s era women (gotta work and do it all) for what a woman ought to look and act like…then what was the point? Either outlook, strictly enforced, is limiting.
I also hate those generic statements of “single women always…[insert your positive or negative judgment here]” – like we single women (and I suspect moms and married women get similar comments from other folks too) are Borg and all share some group mind-meld so that we’re all interchangeable. Yes, I may be a single woman but I’m not a representative of anything other than myself. It’s enough to make me want to scream a few quotes from one of my favorite series, The Prisoner: “I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own.” or “I am not a number, I am a free man.” (Well, woman…but you get the point.)
But all this has nothing to do with your question about “having it all” or your worries about your own life. To answer your question, no I’m sure by most standards I do NOT have it all. But since my own standards are the only ones that I really worry about, that’s fine. I am, in general, happy with the shape of my life. There are a few things I’d like to change, to add, etc., but I’m working towards those so I’m content. I think what’s most important to me is having a goal or a dream…not so much whether I reach it (although that would be nice too, obviously). Having somewhere/something/etc. I want to achieve helps me feel more grounded, like I have a purpose. And although we like to think we’re in control of our own lives, there are a lot of things we can’t control. Learning to cope with and make the most of whatever happenstances come our way is the real trick to life, in my humble opinion.
And honey, keep in mind that your situation is only temporary. You’ll graduate and then you won’t have classes. Your kids will all grow up and move out one day. And who can say what the blog will bring into your life? I guess what I’m saying is that, if you don’t like the scenery just wait a bit and it’s sure to change, whether you want it to or not.
YES. I get it.
It isn’t really about being tired or overworked. It’s the feeling of trying to swim somewhere, that obscure destination that you see far away, but realizing you are only really treading water. And feeling overwhelemed by it. And thinking, “Is this it? Is this really my life?”
Or maybe that’s not what you mean. But that is how I feel lately.
Wow, I don’t know if men are supposed to comment on this or not. My mom stayed home when I was a kid, but she worked hard. I think it’s up to each individual what they want to do and how they determine it affects their respective families. I certainly don’t think one situation is better than the other or one works harder than the other (in general).
As far as “having it all,” I don’t. I also don’t think you would find many people who, if they think hard about it, would say that they actually have it all. But, I think you learn to deal with your situation and what you have. You work to improve your situation and get things that are realistically achievable.
That probably doesn’t make a bit of sense.
I’m confused. Even though I read your entire post, word for word and understood every single sentence of it; I realize I’m confused.
I want what I think I’m supposed to want and then I get it under extreme circumstances because I thought I really wanted whatever it was, only to find out I didn’t really wnat it that badly which leaves me with more guilt and more yen for whatever the hell I want next.
You see the confusion? Confuscious ain’t got nothin’ on me.
Billie Holiday is playing while I’m reading this… She seems to fit. “Good morning heartache… sit down”
Mocha, I firmly believe we are shaped by our dreams… our wantings. To sound cliche, (and to paraphrase poorly) It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. The journey may end up taking us to destinations that we didn’t envision. The journey may make us “so tired”. The journey may make us angry, and question things we used to KNOW. The journey may make us change our dreams, our wantings and that.IS.OK! Just remember to “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night”
“The future belongs to those who believe in the BEAUTY of their dreams” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
eh, staying on topic right now would require more effort than my exhausted brain could muster. Can I just say that I used your name in vain…here:
http://deannietime.blogspot.com/2007/01/8-wishes.html
For what it is worth, sometimes we do have too many choices.
hugs,
I am a full-time working mom. I don’t have it All. Some days I really want to slow down and have less. Some days I’m happy and secure in who I am and what I’m doing. But yes, I hate those arguments, too — every mom works hard. No mom needs to bash another for the choices she made or options she didn’t have.
I have it all and I have frosted cookies! the all I have is an attiude that won’t quit. If you ask I will tell you how.
No, life is not all about fluffy bunnies and snow capped mtns. (or whatever makes you feel how you WANT to) But, making a choice to see the positive things that come from even bad experiences is a much better way to live life(IMHO). Believe it or not, I once was not the outgoing, happy go lucky, life is just great today man that I am today.
Have a great day,
i think you are really on to something here. if my brain was clearer, i’d flesh it out but in the interim, you go girl. why can’t we all just support each other for right where we are at instead of the endless comparing comparing comparing?
Kelly,
There isn’t much I can say that your other readers haven’t covered. THEY are very smart. So I’m just going to sing this song for you to make you feel better. It may sound familiar, that’s because the Pussycat Dolls ripped it off from me. They changed the words a little. Here is MY original song about want. Just picture me bustin some “Rerun” moves while singing this to you.
I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
Thats why whenever I come around
He’s all over you (he’s all over you)
I know you want it (I know you want it)
It’s easy to see (it’s easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be on with me (babe)
[Chorus:]
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be hot like me?
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be freaky like me?
Don’t cha
Don’t cha
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be raw like me?
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be fun like me?
Don’t cha
Don’t cha
Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it ain’t love
It just aint enough to leave my happy home (my happy home)
Let’s keep it friendly (let’s keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See I dont care
But I know He ain’t gonna wanna share
[Chorus:]
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be hot like me?
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be freaky like me?
Don’t cha
Don’t cha
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be raw like me?
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be fun like me?
Don’t cha
Don’t cha
I know he loves you (I know he loves you)
So I understand (I understand)
I’d probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my woman
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then old friend
Your secret is safe with me
[Chorus:]
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be hot like me?
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be freaky like me?
Don’t cha
Don’t cha
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be raw like me?
Don’t cha want your boyfriend to be fun like me?
Don’t cha
Don’t cha
Niiiiiice, dude. Rhyming “understand” with “wo-man.”
SWEET!
Wait! Come back! I got ya some BOOKS!
First: I love Tom.
Second: Kelly woman, we are completely in synch.
Yes, this constant striving, pushing and unhappiness. Is there such a thing as contentment? I have many, many times where I just want the world to quit bugging me.
I have gotten rid of my TV and all my newspaper and magazine subs and I am telling you, it makes a world of difference. I still worry, and still feel a need to be better than I am, but the edge is off somewhat.
Interesting that Gertrude Stein found that there was no “there, there.” She didn’t have kids and had a wife. I so totally want to say something about every woman needing a wife but I’m pretty sure it’ll that’s politically incorrect. And just a spiral ’cause wouldn’t the wife need a wife? Yeah. Well, never mind, k?
We all want it all and I have to wonder if we sometimes get to the point of having it all and not really recognizing it and a whole new wanting begins because it’s really about the journey and not the destination.
I’m starting to sound like a Hallmark card. Forgive me.
There’s always the “next thing” to focus upon.
And so, some days it feels like everyone is tearing a little piece of me away… while others feel like it just not going fast enough toward conclusion. Then I realize that there is no conclusion… it’s just a never-ending stream of new consciousness because I realize that the more I know/do the more I realize how much I don’t know/do. And I wanna know/do it all.
And then someone needs help with their homework or a pipe breaks or a bill is due or a family matter chokes me or, or, or…
Such is life.
You reckon?
PS…
There was another GS quote on that page:
“Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense”.
Uh huh.
I found this poem for you and it seems to fit what you are talking about.
Woman Work by Maya Angelou
I’ve got the children to tend
The clothes to mend
The floor to mop
The food to shop
Then the chicken to fry
The baby to dry
I got company to feed
The garden to weed
I’ve got the shirts to press
The tots to dress
The cane to be cut
I gotta clean up this hut
Then see about the sick
And the cotton to pick.
Shine on me, sunshine
Rain on me, rain
Fall softly, dewdrops
And cool my brow again.
Storm, blow me from here
With your fiercest wind
Let me float across the sky
‘Til I can rest again.
Fall gently, snowflakes
Cover me with white
Cold icy kisses and
Let me rest tonight.
Sun, rain, curving sky
Mountain, oceans, leaf and stone
Star shine, moon glow
You’re all that I can call my own.
Love ya!
Well, I do have it all. And would you belive that I lost a friend because she’s jealous that I’m happy. I guess that’s All – 1. I don’t think anyone ever wins at this game, just gotta keep playing. Hang in there Kelly.
What the heck is “having/wanting it all”? Sounds like a lot of darn work to me. I have enough trouble with keeping what I have already in order. Having/wanting more? EGAD! *laughs*
For years I was a single working mother who was “tired” a lot. When I remarried and together we decided I would stay home with our kids I still found myself “tired”. Having been on both sides of the coin I find the working/not working mother argument redikkerous. We’re all “tired”. Instead of trying to devalue one anothers fatigue let’s go grab a cup of coffee, put out feet up and praise each other on our ability to face adversity( or tiredness) with grace and humor.
Lately I am torn between thinking my mess is from wanting too much, or because I didn’t have a firm idea of what I wanted and took the wrong path.
Maybe I should just do the next right thing….
But I which thing do I want….
The eternal question?
Great pic of you and the leggings. Yall are cute. Have fun with the shoe thing.
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