You have to know that I have read every word recently of things that you write in the comments and that it’s really weird for me to directly address readers because that’s not how this whole thing started out. It is no mistake, this Web 2.0, this relationship building we do online, this oddly-formed bond we have. The comments from my Valentine’s Post were unexpected because mostly I thought you would simply say, “Well, I like your hair. You have nice hair.” Us girls who have Black Girl Hair tend to need to hear such things.
Then, I wrote about these favorable times for me when anything seems possible and, once again, you come through with encouraging words. They’re not lost on me even though I can no longer respond to every comment. I read them all and sometimes laugh aloud or tear up.
But my share of less-than-orange days reared up again after feeling fine. Suffice to say that everyone at my work isn’t happy with my recent accolades about conference speaking. Jealousy is an ugly utensil for the purpose of heaping our own bullshit on one another and I am not immune to the sting of it.
I am not unsusceptible to having a co-worker tell me that a really good friend of mine said ‘hello’ through her because she never sees me anymore. I don’t go over for coffee or spend my Sundays in her living room and she had to speak to me through someone else.
I am not secure against the other friend who sent me the most hurtful e-mail I’ve ever gotten accusing me of being selfish because my time spent studying has taken the number one spot in my life for the past two years. Oh, I’ve also spent time blogging and she seems to hate that, too. I don’t care how strong people say I am, “You suck in the friendship category” is painful to hear. Maybe I will stop joking that “it is all about me” because I suppose she took that seriously.
I am not impervious to working harder on work and school than my marriage and watching it crumble around me. What other words could be said about that even fail me now, but since I’m still addressing you, just know that you aren’t required to comment on that one. Nothing makes me sadder than to think that you’d say something like “Hang in there” or “It’ll all work out” just to be able to say SOMEthing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful anyone thinks I’m humorous or that they like to see me do stupid things in photographs. I also know that most readers spend less than 3 minutes reading my site so I’m bound to lose people today. But the facts are that when I’m feeling shitty and unsupportive, I tend to get really pissy and want to defend myself. There is a strong urge for me to even use the words I heard people said about me last week against them. I’m fighting it, but what I really, really, REALLY want to say to teachers today is:
Hey. Last week? When I was in Chicago? When I was RESUME-BUILDING? (At this point I will stop and look around for the guilty party who slung around that term so I can raise an eyebrow, purse my lips, and mutter “Mmm Hmm” to signify that YES, I KNOW IT WAS YOU) .Yeah, well I spent my own time and my own energies creating a power point from which I had to research an awful lot about our school. You know what else? I shared data from our school that you probably don’t even know about so here… let me do my spiel for you that I did for them during the conference. Sit back and shut up and WATCH MY POWER POINT.
But people have encouraged me to “take the high road”. Blah freaking blah icky blah. It’s no fun always doing that! I want to shove it in their faces that they should have been proud of me and happy that one of their teachers isn’t just GOING to conferences, but SPEAKING at them.
Sometimes I’m so naive it’s ridiculous.
Maybe I don’t have a lot to say on it right now, but the orangelessness is obviously apparent. I’ll sort it out.
Right.
Hey, sorry for the shiteous friend/co-worker stuff. Somedays I really just hate being an adult because, well, it’s just not fun. You know, being all responsible and mature. I was up by the Univeristy on Saturday and when I see young, 20-something college kids I can’t help but think, “Oh you have no idea how easy you have it.” I know that’s obviously not true for everyone, but in general, compared to what I deal with on a daily basis and the responsibilities I have? Yeah, college was such a piece of cake.
A good freind would have been understanding with the fact that you are trying to better yourself and your studies through school. She would be willing to deal with the fact that you may not always be able to call her. She would read your blog and be happy that you have a blog that other people, (that you don’t even know) read your blog daily.
So even thought you aren’t in an orange state of mind just remeber that she is jelous of the time that you don’t spend with her or she wouldn’t be upset. The same goes with the teachers that can’t seem to open their eyes when a co-worker is trying to do things to help the CHILDREN. I would tell you to hang in there, be people are going to continue to be this way, becasue that is what they are, human and they let their emotions get the best of them.
Sorry you have to deal with all the additional crap today.
I’m not going to give you any sickly cheerful advice, like, “don’t let ‘em get to ya…” because when I feel the way you do that’s the last thing I want to hear. I will say this:
The people who are acting immaturely just can’t help themselves. Jealousy is a dangerous vehicle to a friendship car wreck. I’ve been through this ringer several times and I’ve always felt the need to defend myself and say things to the person just to “get it off my chest” only to have it blow up in my face. I’ve learned to use compassion and to smile and forgive. As difficult as it is — to forgive someone — I try with all my heart to do it anyway. Because I’m not perfect and I make mistakes and someday, someone is going to have to forgive me and I hope they are as good at it as I was. I know that these words probably sound a little nutty (especially coming from me) but in the end, it’s never between you and THEM anyway, it’s between you and yourself…..
I do know that whatever happens, Kelly, you’ll find the words and the ways to solve this. You’re too smart to let this affect you and your friends.
Love you!
Dana
Hmmm how to make you feel a bit better without being sappy and making an ass of myself?
They are all jealous a-holes and I shall be there promptly to loom ominously behind you and flash flame anyone you “raise an eyebrow, purse my lips, and mutter “Mmm Hmm” at.
I shall then be available to slurp, nibble, massage and lick you whenever you need a pick me up. I have ordered a coffee machine that comes in a backpack so I can dispense Sumatra at will. I have also being working on my comebacks and am happy to whisper them in your ear when needed.
The nasty e-mail? Friends DON’T do that crap. A real friend would be cheering for you, and if possible, coming to visit you and making the most of whatever time you can spare.
When my Mum was studying so hard for her new job, I used to go over there and clean her house and do her washing for her while she was studying. Then she had time to spend with me (a brand new mum at the time). And the more crap I helped her do, the more time I got with her!
As much as I do miss the chats we used to have (no guilt trip intended, so stop it!) I am so proud of ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS you have accomplished in these last 2 years especially. And I am cheering my heart out everyday for you. I gladly give up those chats in order to see you prosper, grow and shine.
Hoping that I made the orange pale for at least a few minutes
Sllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrppppppppppppppppp
Kelly, my friend, relax, and have coffee. sometimes tea just don’t cut it.
now: i’ll say this to you: hang in there. but i won’t say: it’ll get better. b/c for me, for years and years and years, it was not getting anywhere.
going to school while working full time and rasing a full family is insane to begin with. you are almost there, we are proud. but to carry it on for another few years, you have to make sacrifice, be it your job, your family, your friends, or school. there is just no other way around. you have to decide which or whom must go from the equation. it’s cruel to be so. but you will have new jobs, new friends.
Aren’t prison jumpsuits orange? I’m just saying… Sometimes not seeing orange everywhere is a good thing.
as the self-designated queen of awkward blog topics (hi, welcome to the shithole of my life. what do you mean you don’t want to comment? how could you possibly be unable to think of something relevant to add to my soggy ramblings about living with depression?), i’d just like to say that i hear you. sometimes it’s about more than just reading what you write here. sometimes it’s about hearing what you’re saying.
i hear you.
You know, the funny thing is, five years from now you’ll be going, “Now, what in the hell was that all about?” You may see the face but you may not even remember the name of that person or persons…
In today, it’s hurtful. I’m sensitive like that, too. No one wants to be the center of someone’s molten insecurities. We’d all prefer to be the scoop-of-ice-cream- on-a-hot-day kind of welcomed friend/personality.
Just think of yourself as sorbet or sherbet… orange is nice. Refreshing. Pallet cleansing… and then you can move on to the next course.
Unless, as Trisha says, it’s in the form of a prison jumpsuit. Mediocrity DOES attack excellence. Jealousy is usually the color of green… as in loogie, phlegm, nasty spoogy stuff.
Free your mind, darlin’… the rest will follow.
In the meantime, soothe your velvety heart in knowing that true friends stick with you, even if they get their own feelings hurt and don’t know how to answer that.
Be well, my friend.
Sounds like you’ve outgrown your friend.
Honey, let me tell you a story. And I’ll try to keep it brief, but you know how I am.
When I bought my house it was summer and one of the big selling points was the garden it had out front, which was full of beautifully maintained plants. I love plants and growing things so I thought, “How fabulous! I’ll be able to look at all of these wonderful flowering plants as I make my coffee each morning. Hooza!”
After I bought my house, I discovered that the roses and other plants in the garden were very high-maintenance! They required constant weeding, watering, fertilizing, bug-spraying, pruning, checking of their soil, fussing, primping, and on and on. And, as much as I loved my garden, I didn’t want to spend all that time and energy on it because I other things I wanted to do, other priorities. Within about six months, almost all the plants had died except one that I had planted myself – a rosemary. Personally, and I know I’m totally biased, I think rosemary plants are perhaps the most perfect plant in the whole world. All they need is a little sun and a little water and they thrive, and although their flowers may not be as lovely as the rose, they are evergreen, have a lovely fragrance, and are useful in everything from cooking to bath oils to…you name it.
People and relationships are like plants. Some people are Roses: lovely, high-maintenance, highly valued, but require special handling in order to avoid their thorns. Other people are Rosemary plants: constant, low-maintenance, independent, and able to bring endless, constructive joy into your life. It is no mystery, I suppose, that the relationships I value most are the ones more closely resemble the Rosemary than the Rose, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with the Rose. She is who she is. And you can talk, plead, rant, and lecture her tirelessly about why she would be better off being a Rosemary, but it will get you nowhere.
Roses have every right to be who they are and you have every right to decide not to grow them in your garden.
Oh, and:
Have one or two Roses in your life is fine and probably manageable. But if all the people in your life are Roses, you may find you spend all of your time shoveling…fertilizer.
Okay, have I strained that metaphor enough?
*sigh* Have = Having. Okay, I’m really done now.
Some people just need to get over the fact that your life no longer evolves around them. That you have interests and ambitions other than hanging around a living room on a Sunday afternoon.
Sometimes that moral high road is too far away for us to take, and you are a better person than I for taking it when all you really wanted to do was shove the shit they gave you in their face. I don’t know if I could be that nice.
A former friend of mine was there for me when I was going through a divorce from my first marriage. She was great at picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together. Then I met my husband, and I asked her to be in my wedding (small part: Matron of Honor). She threw the shower for me, was by my side at the wedding, and a few months after Sara was born, moved to Penn. She then started sending these toxic emails abotu how my mom did everything in her power to sabotage the shower and make her spend money that she didn’t have. I know they were all lies, and soon after a very bitter email thread, I decided to cut ties. Do I miss her? Hell yeah, but do I need that toxicity in my life? Hell no.
Maybe you’re just better off just saying goodbye and cutting your losses.
I say… good for you for speaking your mind and emotions. I have been following silently for a while … not commenting (I know, my bad) but now.. I have too.
It is pathetic and sad that people who we consider ‘friends’ cannot be supportive of our dreams. With each dream, comes hard work and sacrifices to be made. Most of the time, people don’t understand the choices me make and try to project thier own insecurities and issues onto us thinking they are helping when all they end up doing is causing more stress than necessary. Also – ‘friends’ at times feel like they are being left behind and it scares them… or cannot handle change the way others do. And for others… they come to us clocked in frienship while harbouring the mentality “Keep Your Friends Close … but Your Ennemies Closer”… You are professional competition. You are the one to beat. Maturity doesn’t prevail with these people and sometimes, one has to stoop to their level and speak to them at that level in order to make things right. So good for you.
And since I am all about the quotes (helps put perspective on various points and issues)… I thought I would share with you a few on jealousy… maybe making you feel a bit better about all of your hard work and dedication to your craft. Shake it off sista… Shake it off…
“Jealousy is nothing more than fear of abandonment”
“Jealous people poison their own banquet and then eat it”
“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein
“Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.” ~ Fulton J. Sheen
“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves” ~ William Penn
OK… I think that’s enough and I made my point… you are very well deserving of these opportunities Kelly… enjoy them. You are human. You are woman. You are wonderful.
I think this deserves some Timmie’s…
Ciao bella,
KC
One unfortunate thing about blogs is a lot of us feel like we have to fake “happy” all the time. Or even, “happy and in control.” Not saying I think you’re a faker, just saying – it’s ok to let down the witty perky curtain for a little bit and grouse/cry/weep to your online “friends.” We don’t mind. We all do it, too. We all do all the other things you mentioned, as well – I’ve been the butt of the snipey comments based on jealousy, and I’ve also surely made a fair few. Stay sensitive and naive – it’s nicer than hard-souled and jaded, right?
PS – CL – LOVED the rose and rosemary story.
okay, this is my day to be well, searching for the path to the high road as well for my own reasons. I don’t know what it means to be orangelessness. I do know that sometimes in my life I have just had to make choices. Those choices can make me cry when I think about them (as I did reading this post since of course you MADE me think about it again, ouch, quit twisting my gosh dern arm).
And see? Right there? when I blamed you because I cried about my own issues? See, folks do that a lot – pass off responsibility for themselves to someone else and get mad cause they don’t like the results. It is really hard to not take it personally when other folks are jealous, petty and outright unkind. But really, if they are behaving that horribly ugly on the outside, my god, how are they feeling on the inside?!? It has got to be a dark dark place there.
A close business associate shared with me this thought and it has helped me through many a dark moment: “Don’t worry if you don’t understand them. If you understood them, that would mean you were just like them”.
As I look at the comments of others here on this site, I walked away personally heartened and strengthened to carry on with my own burdens. I don’t know what to tell you Mocha; you sure do attract some nice folks though. I sure am glad we met.
Hugs,
Kelly
As a fellow grad student who has recently overheard (or been told about) comments like “what right does she have to apply for that Directors’ position” or “How go to college when she has children; she should be home with them” or “she thinks she is so much better than us” or even better “how does her husband put up with her being gone all the time” and my all time favorite “she already has a masters degree why is she still in school”; I feel your pain. I am all orange today as well.
I just try to ignore them all.
Sometimes we have to have our pitty parties and allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling. You get 24 hours to feel sorry for yourself. You may start now. Let yourself feel it, then you will be less like to wallow in it.
It works…at least for me it has. There was only one time that I wallowed for 48 hours and that was when my dad died in October. But I couldnt help it.
I understand, I have been orangeless for the whole last week, but it is time to stand up, fight and get on with life. At least for me.
I am thinking of you.
I love all these comments!
You desreve to have supportive friends, Kelly!
And no matter which direction your posts go….I’ll still be here. **HUGS**
Very astute, CL. And I agree. Cultivate the friendships that are constructive instead of destructive. I have had to deal with this recently as well, and it sucks, Kelly. It just plain sucks. Not to say that these people won’t be friends anymore. They just won’t be as close. It’s like people who only go to church on holidays. Maybe you have some “holiday” friends and some “every Sunday” friends. And that is ok.
Congratulations on speaking and presenting well! some teachers can do it in the classroom, but freeze in front of a crowd. It reflects well on you and your school that you can present effectively and get invitations to do so (in any form) repeatedly.
Jealousy stinks. It’s a real downer for all involved. You did a good job expressing yourself but not putting the other person/people down. We don’t know each other face to face, but darn it, I am proud of you! Envious, perhaps, but not jealous. I’d rather rejoice in your success.
I see. Well you won’t get any argument from me.
I left the “Working for the State” rat race years ago b/c it was more about politics than the work. Consulting has many advantages that will never be replaced by a “State” (or City, or5 County, etc.) job.
You (Mocha) know who you are, what you do, and how you do it (you alone know what makes you tick). Be proud of what you have accomplished and what you will accomplish! Never give up that drive to be good at what you do. It is why I come to work every day. We need a sense of accomplishment to keep us on the right path. How easy would it be to just slack off, take 2 hour lunches, etc? I could do it and knowbody would even know, but I WOULD!
Don’t let a few “rimjobs” (my word these days for people that are just not motivated) get you down. Life is too short for this kind of crap. Do not get drawn into other peoples (especially those that don’t like you b/c they are jealous) nonsense.
I was a terrible public speaker not too many years ago. Today I am great at it only b/c I decided to be great at it.
You go girl. Fight the good fight. Don’t let anyone tell you to stop – especially if it feels good. Don’t get side tracked by rimjobs.
Go smell the flowers – it will do you good.
Girl,
There’s no one worse than your supposed “work friends” for stabbing you in the tender, squishy places. It must be a universal thing or a girl-genetic thing, because everytime I would take on an additional responsibility I was accused of “trying to make myself look better, etc., etc.”. Well, of course I wanted to make myself look better! I kind of like getting a merit raise every year – how else do the bilss get paid when THEY go up every year??!! I also like challenging myself to do new things, push the envelope, yada, yada. Fulfillment likes life worth living. I love my husband and my kids and adore my graddaughter, but I also need to feel proud of ME!! And I get that from my professional life and so do you. So what?!
Relationships always seem to need the most work when one partner is growing and learning. No blame, just the way it is. When I went back to school at 35 my family hated it. I hated it. No time for anyone. Sex was marked on the calendar with a red heart, or that wouldn’t have happened, either. Somehow everyone survived.
We can’t regret that which makes us who we are, that which fills us up. Without that there’s nothing left to give to anybody. Those teachers have the very same opportunities to explore and excel that you do. If they choose not to avail themselves of the same, too bad. F-’em if they can’t take a joke.
Why is it that people, especially other women, can not be supportive of us when we advance in the workplace? Why do some of them feel the stereotypical need to make scathing comments?
As women we should support each other in all of our endeavors. I have found this out at work lately as well with a job promotion. When you advance and others feel that you are not worthy they do not hesitate to let it be known. Even though I met all the criteria, they still found me unworthy. Why? Because it wasn’t offered to them. Because they weren’t qualified to do the job. Just as I am not qualified to do their job.
People really piss me off when they act like this and when they treat you the way you’ve been treated. You are a hard, hard worker. You have goals and you are achieving them, there is nothing wrong in that. What it comes down to is jealousy.
And that friend who sent the nasty-gram? She wasn’t really your friend.
Keep your chin up kiddo and think of the example that you have already set for young women like Mallory. Your trail blazin!!
*Sigh
Y’all are nice. And full of great advice. Thanks.
Kelly,
You know how much I like to sing here in your comments. Here is a little tune that always makes me happy when I’m not in one of those “high road” moods.
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn mother fucker burn
Hello my name is Jimmy Pop and I’m a dumb white guy
I’m not old or new but middle school fifth grade like junior high
I don’t know mofo if y’all peeps be buggin’ give props to my ho cause she all fly
But I can take the heat cause I’m the other white meat known as ‘Kid Funky Fried’
Yea I’m hung like planet Pluto hard to see with the naked eye
But if I crashed into Uranus I would stick it where the sun don’t shine
Cause I’m kind of like Han Solo always stroking my own wookie
I’m the root of all that’s evil yea but you can call me cookie
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn
Burn mother fucker burn
Yo yo this hard-core ghetto gangster image takes a lot of practice
I’m not black like Barry White no I am white like Frank Black is
So if man is five and the devil is six than that must make me seven
This honkey’s gone to heaven
But if I go to hell then I hope I burn well
I’ll spend my days with J.F.K., Marvin Gaye, Martha Raye, and Lawrence Welk
And Kurt Cobain, Kojak, Mark Twain and Jimi Hendrix’s poltergeist
And Webster yeah Emmanuel Lewis cause he’s the Anti-Christ
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
The roof the roof the roof is on fire
We don’t need no water let the mother fucker burn
Burn mother fucker burn
I’m not going to say that the people who are giving you a hard time aren’t jealous or what not. I will say, that sometimes people are mean because of righteous crap going on in their own lives. And, speaking from experience, sometimes the hardest thing is having everything in your life go miserably wrong while those around you seem to be experiencing nothing but smooth sailing. It’s not that they necessarily want what you have, but rather that they don’t understand why their lives are falling apart.
And that some people deal with that feeling of horrible insecurity by making those around them miserable. I’m not going to say it’s ok, but I am going to say that some of the misery being thrown your way is probably not personal – it’s probably coming from someone who thinks you’ll take it the way we tend to treat our families like crap during our teenage years.
Wow, you have a lot of smart people reading and commenting on your blog. Sometimes we think it is a good thing to be popular, but there is the jealousy that goes with it. Sorry it’s come your way, and go ahead and vent, we don’t mind!
Well, I can’t say much more than has already been said, but I will offer this (only because I’m slightly immature)…that high road? Yeah…it’s overrated.
Someday I might be brave like you and vent on my blog too. Haven’t been able to do it yet.
I drank orange juice and ate cheetos for my snack today – contributing to the orange in the world!
Yeah, the high road definitely sucks sometimes. No matter how proud they SHOULD be of you, co-workers can be some of the most jealous and glory hungry people around. You know you’re doing what’s right for you. They can all kiss your (and our
) arse.
I’m really sorry that you are going through a hard time right now. I hope you won’t mind if I make a couple of observations. If your friendships (real and not virtual) are suffering and your marriage is suffering, could it be possible that your virtual reality has become more important than your true life reality?
I wouldn’t ask this if I didn’t experience this for myself.
Many years ago I got involved in an internet forum. I seemed to “make friends” easily in the virtual reality of the forum, which became addictive to me because in true life, making friends wasn’t as easy. I began to live for the internet forum. People would comment on my wittiness in the forum — while my kids were upset at what I chose to make for dinner. At first, being “witty” all the time was fun, but when real life interrupted, it soon became a chore. I found myself not really spending quality time with my real family and friends because, while with them, I was too busy trying to find the next “story” in all this mundane reality for my internet forum.
If one of my family members or friends would get mad at me, I would think, in my mind, “I don’t need you, I have a great group of friends who think I am wonderful all the time.” And, I would go to my internet forum, back to the one’s that “really understood me.”
After awhile of doing this, I fell into a deep depression. My “forum friends” never knew it because my wit, in writing, in virual reality, was never-ending — no matter how bad real life was getting to me.
My virtual world became my real world… and it took me a long time to understand just how lonely of an existance I was choosing for myself. When the depression got really bad, and began to come through in my internet forum writing, I was empty hearing, “Things’ll look up.” “Don’t worry, the people in your life just don’t know how to appreciate you.” In real life, sometimes a person just needs to hear what they might be doing wrong — from someone they trust and they know to actually care about them.
In real life, when you voice your frustrations and your hurt, you don’t have to worry that your real friends “won’t read you” or “that you will lose them.” From what you wrote, I surmise that “losing readers” would bother you, but I couldn’t tell if the problem with your friends, co-workers and in your marriage was bothering you or just making you angry.
While it’s nice to make acquaintances with like-minded people, few lasting and meaningful relationshships are gained in internet forums and blogs. It takes real life, real people, real mistakes, real honesty, bad days, spending lazy Sunday’s together, etc., to form trusting, lasting and meaningful relationships.
While in deep depression I had to learn that my internet forum was an addiction. It was much like alcohol. I would run to it for instant gratification and relief, but when the high was over, my life was much more of a mess and my soul was depleted.
It wasn’t until I quit the forum cold-turkey (this was extremely hard to do, but worth it) and began spending *real* time with my family and friends, that I was able to beat my depression.
Let’s face it, being witty and humorous all of the time is a heck of a lot of work — and simply isn’t “real life.”
Every person who commented offered you a defense. In real life, with real friends (and I am talking about friendships formed through much real time spent with one another, good and bad), sometimes it’s necessary call a friend on their actions and deeds. It might not be pleasant, but that is what *real* *true* friends do. In a blog or internet forum, they defend you, because they don’t know you enough not to. This becomes an empty, impersonal, reality.
I wish you the very best.