The hotel where I’m staying in Chicago has Starbucks in the lobby and it was a mere $5. Slightly less than the $7 I was expecting to spend, but it wasn’t all that great. They tried to accomodate everyone, but I can tell that sometime today I will talk myself into getting into a cab and going someplace for excellent coffee. The following words will make themselves known to me today: whole bean, freshly ground, dark roast, bright, tangy, and rich. I can feel the crack-whorishness side of my caffeinated self coming out.

Various things either written to me or written by me in electronic mail exchanges.

Hey, Susie Sunshine. I happen to still believe that fairy dust sprinkles come out of your ass. Does that count for anything?

Can you see me doing yoga? In a tree pose? I think not.

Why do my emails get longer and longer to you? Don’t you know anything about stopping me from writing you a fucking bildungsroman?

I’ve never seen “fucking” and “bildungsroman” in the same sentence before. Well, this just makes it twice now.

Here are the working titles for the movie about my life wherein I realize how lacking my existence is without a gay sidekick. Thoughts?

You are wholly unremarkable. I’d like you better if you had some cool trait like having a sensitive gag reflex.

The “gag reflex” thing? Is there a sex joke in there somewhere? Please, God, I hope so.

Right. Like I need her making some passive aggressive commentary on my life. What does she think I have a mother-in-law for?

How would you begin a classified ad for a manservant?

I wish she’d shut up about her weight. Maybe I’ll remind her that fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go ’round.

Oh, yeah. That’s a great idea. Mention fat-bottomed girls to her. Uh huh. That should help. You’re a genius. Does the group therapy community know about you?

All this angsty drivel I write. Is “angsty” a word? And you made me look up bildungsroman, you bitch.

Hmm. I must be terribly clever. Am I?

this is killing me

is it canceled or cancelled

my vote is for two ll’s

It has been driving me crazy the last couple of days

Fess up. Did you get lucky last night?

I can’t believe you’re asking me that. These one sentence email messages have got to stop.

I did.

Whore.

The nicest thing I can say about this hotel coffee is that it could probably be used as a backup to cleaning out jet engines and make them sparkle and shine. I’m soooo disappointed in you, hotel coffee. This means I will have to go downstairs and order a $7 cuppa and then bitch about the price all day. It better be good. It better make me forget that it’s $7 and get me going for the day.

On debating the Presidential Election to Be which has Longest Presidential Election written all over it already.

You know, I just don’t trust Obama. It’s that middle name. You never know his background or anything.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It’s why I didn’t vote for Bush. I never vote for anyone whose name is another name for “vagina”. I won’t ever vote for anyone named “Snatch” either. Keep those people OUT, I say.

Let the silliness commence.

Hilly had another great idea. She’s good like that what with being creative and artistic and extremely cute. Maybe that’s more annoying than anything else, but she asked that we participate in A New Kind Of Valentine’s Day.

It’s not that I hate V-Day. I just don’t put stock into it because as I sit here typing there is something on the news about Valentine’s Day so Kennimus turns to me as he’s putting on his socks and mumbles, “Happy Valentine’s Day“. See? It means so very much to us. It’s the pressure that gets everyone. The same thing goes for New Year’s Eve. It’s as if we need to have the MOST. FUN. EVER or else we’re losers for some reason. Thanks, but I add enough pressure to myself on a regular basis anyway.

What I Like About Myself

Even though it can turn around to bite me in the butt, I like the fact that I’m good at apologizing. When I’ve offended someone or hurt them I don’t hold on to the fact that I’M RIGHT and YOU’RE WRONG. Most times I am quick to realize how what I’ve done is hurtful and then tell the person I’ve displeased that I’m sorry. It’s not an empty apology either because I tell them what I’m sorry for so that they know I’m sincere.

There are times when this turns around on me and bothers me because I expect the same from other people. For example, the times when people apologize like this: I’m sorry you feel that way. If Kennimus is anywhere in vicinity he will bellow “Oh, hell no. Take cover! That was the dumbest thing you could have said! Beware the Wrath of Kelly when you make a lame ass apology!”

On the other hand, I’ve been known to yell, “You owe me an apology!” to people when they continue to tell me WHY they’ve done something instead of acknowledge the fact that I’m wounded by them. Making excuses as to why we’ve hurt other people isn’t acceptable though I’m learning to allow people to apologize on their own. Hard as it is to admit, but this is a lesson for ME and not them so I must continue to make amends when I’ve been hurtful. I like this about myself because it means I practice humility and care for others.

Now, I’m supposed to ask you to leave me a comment on what you like about me and try not to get the song “What I Like About You” by The Romantics stuck in your head. Oh, dear. I think I just did that and you’re going to end up singing it all day. I’m so sorry for doing that to you just now, but look at it this way: you’ll irk everyone around you with your cheery singing!

Like how I practiced apologizing just now? Told ya I was good at it.