In discussions of race and culture and the politics of it all there must be a safe and comfortable place to discuss it. One of the reasons I bring it up at all in my writing is because it is ever present with me. That may be my fault and it may not. I’m certainly not writing as the “tragic mulatto” but I can’t honestly say that I write as a “white woman” either, because I live and breathe this mixed race life. If I were to be honest when speaking of identity, however, I would have to say that more often than not I will refer to myself as a “black woman” because even putting my toes a little bit in the waters of race has afforded me that.
It is something my parents have understood for a long time and neither of them have issues with it at all. In fact, my mother was very upset that the nurse refused to mark my correct race on my birth certificate when I was born.
“You’re white and you gave birth. So your baby is white.”
Attending the session on inclusion and exclusion at BlogHer brought up some of those issues once again and it was only because the smart and serious Joy of GingaJoy and I skipped a session the day before that I even knew to go to it. After lunch on Friday she made her way over to my table and I extended my hand to shake it and do the polite “Nice to meet you” when she said her name and I screamed and jumped out of my chair to throw my arms around her. My adoration for Joy has been going on for some time and we clicked together so fast it was amazing. She sat down and we gabbed for so long that others had no choice but to join in the conversation.
The session was intellectual and honest. We discussed commentors who would rather email writers privately and the impact that has on the community that you’ve built. Issues of risk came up with how much you are willing to write online and when that tends to get you in Comment Hell. Diversity of the blogroll was another key point because we tend to click on those people we “know”. How many times have I visited another blog to see the names of people who comment on mine and vice versa? That inclusion extends to linking people as well, but if we’re not diverse in our reading selections then variety is limited to both us and our readers.
That brings up another question as well: why aren’t the Top Bloggers people of color? Where is the Black/Hispanic/Asian/Indian Dooce? Is there a mommyblogger (I think I will just pick on stick with that one genre for the moment to make a point) of color who is considered an “expert”? The reason I ask this has to do with a question someone posed to me in a private email (which, as you’ll realize, needs to be out in the open here so I’m repeating it).
Are you a mommyblogger?
Well, that was rather pointed. I mean, it reads “Mocha MOMMA” on my address bar and my banner. To be fair I have children. They aren’t the focus of everything I write about so does that make me less of a mom?
No. Not at all.
Inclusion to the world of motherhood is a tricky thing. Perhaps it is that the identity of mothers in the blogosphere tends to stick with having children ages 0-toddler with hearty discussions of strollers, naps, and 100% juice choices. But I guarantee that when those children get older so will the stories you tell about them and then you’ll be looking for the women like me who have older children experience because you’ll wonder aloud HOW DO I STOP FROM THROWING SPOONS AT MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER’S HEAD?
Not too long ago I chaperoned a field trip at my school and there was a playground accident where a 6th grade girl walked right in front of the swings and she got knocked out. All protocols were followed and the ambulance came to the park and got there before her parents did. When her mother got out of the car she was visibly pissed off. She was wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt with her hair wrapped up in a scarf. Her concern, as she stormed over to where her daughter was being treated by an EMT, was that she was not going to have her child taken to the hospital.
The teachers and students who were there were extremely nosy and kept trying to crowd around all the frenzy, but we did our best to hold them at bay. It was only when I could hear comments around me from other teachers that I realized something about inclusion and exclusion in the world of mothering: we don’t always see Black mothers as caring and loving. These teachers saw her as hostile and difficult.
Why is she sleeping in the middle of the day anyway?
What’s the matter, is she inconvenienced to be here to pick up her kid? Jesus.
Doesn’t she even care about her daughter? Look at how she’s dressed.
Time, for me, stopped. I am a people watcher and an observor of life so I let this sink in and didn’t, for once, react to the bashing of this mother going on around me. Surveying the scene, I found that one of the administrators was talking to the ambulance people at one end of the ambulance. The mother was at the other end (the discussion of whether or not the child needed to go to the hospital was being much discussed) and her posture said so much.
Arms crossed. Head cocked to the side. Anger in her eyes and brows furrowed as she glared at the other adults discussing her child. Other Adults = EMT ambulance people and the vice-principal of her child’s school.
There was no question in my mind that I would approach this woman and take myself out of the safety of being a bystander. When I walked up to her it seemed like we were the only other people there because she was, physically, far away from everyone else. But mentally, too. She was in her head and there was no telling what was going on there.
Or maybe there was.
When I got close enough to her I put out my hand and touched her on the arm and squeezed lightly.
“You must be terribly worried about your daughter.”
That was all I knew to say. To reach out to her and express that I’ve been scared, too, as a mother when my child is hurt.
Tears sprang to her eyes.
“Yes.”
And my only question after that was why on earth would anyone treat her like she was less than a mother? Like she cared any less for her child? Was it because she was black and looked angry? Later, I learned that she worked the night shift and was woken up by a scary phone call that her child had a possible concussion. Hell, I’d be pissed, too. When our children are with other people and they get hurt we naturally get upset.
Exclusion is real and I can’t help it if I’m still that Practice Black Person for people, but if it forces others to consider their own ways of slighting people then so be it. If I have to spend time pointing it out, then I will. If it makes you look at a woman who doesn’t look like your version of The Perfect Mother and show compassion then I will consider my time not wasted.
Maybe it’s not that I treated her like a mother that made her soften towards me and allow herself to be vulnerable enough to let me, a stranger, fold her into my arms.
Maybe I just treated her with humanity and dignity. Sometimes, that’s enough.
August 2, 2007 @ 5:58 am | Filed under Lessons I'm Learning | Permalink |
VENTL8R Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 6:11 am
“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet
is fighting some kind of battle.”
Babz Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 7:54 am
I just found your site as I was reading a wonderful article at blogher. A sister mentioned your link and here I am. I am so in awe of your blog! This is what I dream of when I think of my blog. I am moving in this direction. Anyway, I love your post about this mother. You got it right RIGHT! I have seen this time and time again, you have captured it beautifully. I Love you just for this post! And I am inspired to create the blog of my dreams! You were my destined site today!
love,
Babz
http://www.lovebabz.blogspot.com
Raquita Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 8:12 am
have i told you lately that you TOTALLY ROCK!
you tend to say exactly what I am trying to say with out all the confusing frustration that gets my thoughts all jumbled up.
Completley random thought - Common is HAWT.
That is all.
Raquita
Shigeta Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 8:39 am
I read you all the time. Even stuck with you during that hiatus couple of months back hoping you’d snap out it. I have to tell you though, THIS WAS THE TRUTH. The God’s honest truth. We all make snap judgements sometimes based on race, but judgements nonetheless. I have suffered through the SBG (SASSYBLACKGIRL) syndrome (neck rolling, sarcastic, etc)all my life. Sometimes I have been guilty of perpetuating the stereotype and other times I have been so put out that it was expected of me. I am so much more than that. I am a wife, mother and I work outside of the home AND just like everyone else out here, I am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I have played with my blog on and off and recently got back on…have been trying to figure out how to bring more traffic (other than just friends who read it). Totally should’ve gone to BlogHer BECAUSE I LIVE IN CHICAGO. I’m sure it would have been a wonderful experience. I said a lot without saying much, but YOU ARE AWESOME.
Kendra Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 10:21 am
I absolutely love your posts because they really make me think. So I pose the question, do you really think they were judging her by her race?? Could it have been they were judging her by her clothes, attitude, car, whatever else was around? Because I think (only an opinion) sometimes black people misconstrue people’s judgment always focusing on the race when white people hardly notice it. I am not saying that racism isn’t real. It is. But in your example, I think it’s obviously wrong to judge harshly without knowing anything about her but (not being there, I really don’t know) did they really judge her because of her race? Or did they just treat her poorly, which is wrong in any situation white or black or purple?
Content Black Woman Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 10:40 am
Hey Girl:
Leave to you to always keep it real. There may be beauty in diversity, yet everyone may not see it yet. I’m not just talking about diversity by race, but also by class. If half these “mommy bloggers” had to do what this woman had to do to keep it together for their kid, I can’t help but wonder how less judmental some of them would be then. Or, if they could even handle it. Keep doin’you.
I’m going to tell you what I told my daughter this morning before I took her to work - You are brilliantly awesome!
Peace.
Content Black Woman Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 10:41 am
Hey Girl:
Leave it to you to always keep it real. There may be beauty in diversity, but everyone may not see it yet. I’m not just talking about diversity by race, but also by class. If half these “mommy bloggers” had to do what this woman had to do just to keep it together for their kid, I can’t help but wonder how less judgmental some of them would be then. Or, if they could even handle it. Keep doin’you.
I’m going to tell you what I told my daughter this morning before I took her to work - You are brilliantly awesome!
Peace.
Kim Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 11:19 am
I agree that sometimes we need to reach beyond what we see and not criticize. I think all people will judge the outside of a person instead of looking at the situation, no matter what color we are. I know I have to watch myself and make sure I am being fair in my mind before passing judgement on someone. I am enjoying your writing.
G Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 12:11 pm
Practice Black Person is pretty funny, by the way.
Very good, very interesting. It’s good that you’re discussing these issues, and I am glad. I am going to echo Kendra a bit here, though. I think race, along with clothes, hairstyle, etc. is one of the many bites of info I immediately digest about a person when I see him/her, and it affects my judgement to a degree. But it’s only a small part of the package, and the interactions that follow will overwrite any snap judgement I made based on looks. It’s instinctual protection to gauge a person standing in front of you and be sure they aren’t an immediate threat - it’s the evolution of the human brain that allows you to hold back that initial judgement and use your experiences with the person to make a more accurate assessment.
I would never have spoken out like your fellow teachers did - it was unprofessional and uncaring sniping and I’d be pretty annoyed if I heard it. And it would be naive of me to say that it probably had nothing to do with her race. But I think the heightened tension of the situation made both the mom and these teachers act out in ways they wouldn’t have normally. I truly believe, Kelly, that in order to advance the relationships between races we must have compassion both for the mother and for those nasty teachers. We must try to see the details of both the mom’s situation (as you did admirably and I applaud your reaction) AND the teachers. Maybe they’ve dealt with this woman before and she is usually rude and difficult. Maybe they’ve had a lot of accidents lately on the playground and were worried about getting in trouble for having another one, and she was just an easy target. I’m glad you told me the background behind the mother’s situation - but please I want to know about the rude people, too. If you can get me inside THEIR heads, then you can take what the black mom was feeling and what the white teachers were feeling and be the bridge between them. You made the mom feel better, and that’s good. And you may even have led by example for the mean teachers. But I don’t know WHY they were mean, and assuming it was just because she was a black mom is, I think, reducing a complex social interaction into one that is too simple. Tell me more. And take one of those nasty teachers with you next time, drag her by the arm, and force her to see this lady as a sniffling crying worried mama, instead of a sassy black woman. Please?
Opal Tribble Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 12:24 pm
My first thought was “She probably had to work night shift” my mentees mother works nights and at times when I go to pick up D she’s in her sleeping clothes because she works evenings. Who knows they might not have been judging her because she was black perhaps it was how she was dressed but that shouldn’t give a person a reason to talk badly about someone else. They don’t know that persons situation. I think instead of prejudging people really need to think about their actions and the effect they can have on others. It’s something I always try to do.
You’re right at times people will treat you differently for a variety of reasons. In college I was always the first person called upon in the advanced classes and I was challenged repeatedly I was usually the only black I went to a predominantly white school and some peope there unfortunately could not believe I got there because of what I knew.
In regards to you conversation at Blog Her i notice that also I tend to actively seek out new bloggers because I enjoy interacting with others when new readers stop by my place I make a point to send them an email and stop by their virtual homes find a post I truly enjoy and contribute to the discussion. It’s my way of letting them know that I truly appreciate them stopping by. The majority are added to my RSS Feed.
Citizen of the Month » Everyone is Welcome! Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 12:39 pm
[...] I really like Mocha Momma’s take on BlogHer, in her post “Inclusion and Exclusion.” I’ve always been obsessed with this subject — inclusion and exclusion. Maybe that’s why I’ve been writing so much about BlogHer — a blogging group that is about enpowerment, but also about inclusion AND exclusion. [...]
trayday Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 12:42 pm
I’m sorry sister - bursting at the seams here. Kendra, yes, unfortunately it was overwhelmingly her color that informed people’s reactions. And her clothing and attitude may have added to the whole of the situation. But when, as a person of color, you observe your surroundings in a mostly non-minority environment, you see things most people do not. Especially the offenders. Black people don’t focus on race because it’s an easy solution or we enjoy rehashing old shit. You may find it surprising that we oftentimes write things off as ‘coincidence’ knowing full well race played a role. And you are right, sometimes people do misconstrue things and race does not always play into a certain bad situation.
Mocha is my big sis, and she relayed this very troubling story to me soon after it happened. And she didn’t have to defend her assertions - she knew that I knew that she knew the real deal (yes I DID!).
I know it’s very comforting for white folks to assume that black folks are attributing race to a lot of different scenarios mistakenly, but it’s even more discomforting when white folks try to take race out of the equation because it makes them feel better.
Neil Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
Great post, Dean Mocha. You talk about issues no one else does — and it makes mne wonder why everyone is so timid. But as my “Practice” Women of Color, what exactly can I practice on you?
G Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 1:06 pm
Whoa I’m getting all embroiled today! Mocha, delete me if I’m too wordy. You’ve just got me all thinking and stuff.
trayday -
If yours is the picture Mocha shared with us months ago, you are stunningly beautiful by the way.
Your comment today, though, made me feel bad about being white. I’m sorry, so sorry that black folks have a harder time of things. I really am. I’m sorry I’m white and you’re not and therefore I automatically command more respect, I’m automatically deemed smarter, I’m automatically more likely to get a loan than you and your equally gorgeous and smart sister are. But that disparity can’t be the sum total of our interactions (well, our interactions if we were physically present to interact with each other.) If we were physically in the same place and trying to become friends, I hope that we’d let each other pretend our racial difference wasn’t there, so we could find things about each other that we share, instead of things we don’t. That would make me feel better - if you let me see you as a woman, instead of as a black woman, and if you would see me as a woman, instead of as a white woman. If we ever met. Which we never will. But do you understand me? I’ve said this before on Mocha’s blog - you and I as white and black are both seriously injured by mindless racism, so you and I as white and black must do something about it together as a team. I really want you not to see this as your problem, as black women’s problem - but as our problem, as women’s problem, to solve together for our mutual benefit.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 1:18 pm
I would have loved to have been part of that conversation. You should lead a panel next year. This is important, yet it isn’t addressed.
Aren’t you the Black/Hispanic/Asian/Indian Dooce?
Kendra Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 2:02 pm
I think Mocha is the Black/Hispanic/Asian/Indian Dooce (even though I don’t read Dooce but I do Mocha).
Trayday, thank you for you comment back. I thought I’d really get jumped all over posting a comment from a white girl on a post about racism. It always makes me nervous. I really loved G’s response. She is so much more eloquent than I am. I did not mean that it definitely wasn’t her color that affected the way those nasty people reacted. I guess I just questioned if it really always is. I find that I, Kendra, being a non-racist, don’t think much about color. I hardly notice it. I don’t judge by it. I had no idea that because you are black/hispanic/asian/indian whatever that you are less likely to be approved for a mortgage. I do know that you are more likely to be given a scholarship. But that’s beside the point. I can sort of relate to you when you say that you observe your surroundings in a mostly non-minority environment, you see things most people do not. I went to grade school in Arkansas in a school where my brothers and I were the only white kids. As a child, do you think I noticed race all day? No. I thought I was black until I was in the 3rd grade except my hair didn’t do cool things like my girlfriends.
No, I don’t take race of the equation because it makes me feel better. I know there are racist people out there. But doesn’t it sometimes go both ways? No, I don’t have to deal with it every day like you do. But I really agree with G when she says “you and I as white and black must do something about it together as a team.” Really thank you for broadening my perspective. Living in western america now, I am not faced with it as much.
trayday Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 2:06 pm
That was my picture, G, and thank you! But I wanted my sister to also post one of the 447 other crap shots that came with that one good one - more realistic that way!
And thank you - I appreciate your comment. Theoretically, it’s quite beautiful. But my aim was not to make you feel bad or guilty for being white. And don’t be sorry! I wouldn’t want to be any other ethnicity/race than the one (or two or FIVE) that I am. I could very easily become your friend, I’m sure, as you seem quite thoughtful and intelligent. But that’s the thing, I don’t want you to behave as if you don’t see that I’m a woman of color. See my differences and embrace them as I do! That’s how we continue to learn and grow. I feel like we’ve been ‘conditioned’ to believe that ‘different’ equals ‘bad’. I celebrate my bi-racial, six foot tall self! And I have white and black friends alike that celebrate with me.
And I hear you completely on the ‘woman to woman’ as opposed to the ‘black woman to white woman’ thing - I really do. But my reality and everyday experiences are just not that of a woman, they are as a woman of color.
Quick story: On a conference call Monday, I was caught off guard by a colleague with a question for me. I stumbled a bit because I wasn’t paying attention, but got the answer to her question out, albeit shittily. The CEO/president of the agency where I work followed up my statement by calling me ‘articulate’ THREE times (huh?) in the span of less than a minute. I held up for the remainder of the call, then made a beeline to the bathroom to relieve my burning eyes of the tears trying to escape. This happened because I am a black woman, and I was offended beyond belief because I am black. This had nada to do with my gender. The difference is HUGE, so it’s difficult to detach, ya know? And that was just THIS week…
But yeah, I won’t write a freakin’ dissertation here (sorry sister - I know this is YOUR thing), just wanted to let you know I read your response. Much respect.
Tricia Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 3:13 pm
Humanity, dignity, and respect… and that was what I was trying to get at yesterday. As a lesbian, I face judgment. As a black woman, you face judgment. As a white woman, G faces judgment. It is how we are made. It is human nature to observe someone and make a decision- to judge. It doesn’t have to be a harmful practice if we can remember humanity, dignity, and respect.
As I read the story from Mocha, I kept thinking that the school officials were worried about getting their asses sued, since the accident happened while the girl was under the care of the school. And that if someone had communicated that between the mother and school people, their would have been a sigh of understanding from both sides.
Tom Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 4:21 pm
Mommy bloggers rule. I think most of my visitors are moms. I think I relate because of all the time I spent at home being Mr. Mom, or it’s just my inner chick.
Good post Kelly.
Mocha Momma Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 4:45 pm
My lovely, insightful, open-to-learn readers:
It is my honor just to write and the fact that you respond to it in any way is a bonus in a way that I can’t quite explain. What I see now that I failed to include were lesbians and lesbians who are mothers. Much maligned as I feel as a black woman I’m certain you feel it, too, though my race is the FIRST thing you see from across a room. Two of my good friends who are lesbians don’t fit that bill at all and they usually have to mention it for anyone to know. Sure, sometimes it’s (God help me) obvious, but it’s still judgment, isn’t it? It’s still painful, no?
It was the comment of “solving together” that sums up our response to all of the crap we deal with daily.
And my sister? Who clearly READ MY BLOG ALL DAY INSTEAD OF WORKING? How I wish I could wrap YOU in my arms, my love, and wipe away those familiar tears. I love you. (Also, it reminds me of a story about you that I should ask permission from you to tell.)
I love this. What an opportunity for me to experience with so many people. Thank you.
Mocha Momma Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 4:59 pm
Oh, on another note, I don’t delete if comments get wordy. This is the very dialogue I’m trying to cultivate here.
G Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 5:50 pm
I’m reading you back, trayday & Co. Thanks everyone. This has been a powerful exchange for me today, it really has. Y’know, I may get fired and all for blogging while working, but it would almost be worth it.
Love to all you colorful people!
Cynthia Samuels Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 6:27 pm
The sad thing is that the bottom line of everything is to respect without preconception - and it just shouldn’t be that hard. I’ve seen several posts from you lately my love about these sorts of issues and it haunts me to think that someone who spends her life helping people learn and grow has to teach the grownups too. Damn.
I am still kicking myself that we didn’t get more time at Blogher but at least we established terrestrial contact.
Tricia Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 7:56 pm
See that’s just it Mocha, dykey looking lesbians, the effeminate man across the room, how about the guy who looks like a ZZ Top band member or the judgment we have when we see the perfectly dressed and coiffed white woman, driving her Mercedes, jewels flashing…??? I just wrote a post - not nearly as well as you.
I think you got it. Humanity, Dignity and I offer, Respect.
And I haven’t forgotten that really this post is about PR stuff…
Marilyn Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 9:03 pm
THANK YOU for this post. I work at a school and I’ve seen incidents go down very much like the one you witnessed…and my conclusions were similar to yours.
Lara Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 9:57 pm
i loved chatting with you about this in the car in socal, and i loved reading it again here. like i told you then, i certainly have my moments of race annoyance issues, being a combination of native american and white. in the blogosphere, i’ve thought about issues of exclusion and inclusion more often in terms of mommybloggers vs. non-mommybloggers. this has never really been because of feeling excluded BY others, though. it’s really only manifested in worrying that i’m forcing my own inclusion by inserting myself where my opinion might not be welcome. sometimes, my own fear of exclusion probably does more to “exclude” me than anything from anyone else. i guess when you’re trying to prevent that, all you can do is offer dignity and respect, and hope that your intentions come across.
i don’t know - maybe i’m not making any sense. i feel like i totally love you for bringing up these deep issues, but then i sound like a jackass when i try to join the discussion.
Belinda Said,
August 2, 2007 @ 10:51 pm
I don’t know that I’ve ever felt more naive than sitting in on that conversation with you and Joy and the others. Do you remember that you would make a statement about How Things Are, and I would say, incredulously, “Are you serious?” And you would just say, emphatically, “Yes!” I was absolutely ignorant of this issue–mostly, anyway–but not any more. Thanks for that. Oh, and thanks for holding me up when I collapsed upon arrival. I’ve never been so glad to see a person. Missed you when you left early.
Staci Said,
August 3, 2007 @ 12:40 am
Kelly I’m so glad that you talk about these issues. I have a lot of comments, but they’re not coherent, so…
First, for me you are the Black Dooce. Only I like you better — Dooce is funny, but I don’t find her all that thoughtful, useful or insightful.
Second, one of the reasons I’m so glad you talk about this, and I think one of the reasons it’s not talked about enough, is that it’s very uncomfortable (for me anyway, and I’m sure a lot of white people agree with me — some of my best friends are white, after all…) to talk about racism, even if, like me, you feel that you’re hyper aware of it.
I’ve written about it a few times, but I have volumes from my life experience and yet I always think, well who cares what a middle class white chick thinks about that? And so I rarely write it. It feels — I don’t know — presumptuous maybe, of me to explore that topic.
And then if I try to explain from where my feelings have come, I feel like to other people I just change from being an idiot to being the Biggest Idiot Ever. Like I’ll seem like I have some sort of ulterior motive for proving that I rilly rilly rilly love people of all races or something. And I don’t, but my life has been deeply touched by racism. I would never be able to explain my core values or the person I am without talking about my experiences with it.
It’s difficult to talk about from my perspective — probably the same for you but in different ways and for different reasons. But you’ve got street-cred and I don’t.
Plus, while I like to think that I “get” it, when you write about it I often learn something.
So keep talking!
MetroDad Said,
August 3, 2007 @ 6:19 pm
It’s official. You’re my new internet crush, Mocha.
I loved this post for so many reason. Mainly because I appreciate the fact that there is so much about parenthood (and blogging about it) that I truly do cherish and appreciate. However, at the same time, I’m yearning for a diversity of voices. I don’t want “parent blogging” to be stained by the impression that it’s a hobby for white, middle-class mothers. I know better. I get e-mails all the time from African-American dads, lesbian mothers, single Latino moms, disabled parents…all asking me the same thing: Do I know any other bloggers who share their specific backgrounds or situations?
As a minority myself, it’s not that I think myself and others are trying to discern the subtle differences between inclusion and exclusion. However, in the midst of all this parent blogging, it’s nice to find people every once in awhile who can really understand what you’re talking about. Like they say, you don’t really know a man until you’ve walked in his shoes.
When I read about the child of another Asian blogger getting harassed in the playground by some kid squinting his eyes and talking in a “ching chong” voice, I feel that hard. It resonates with me. Just like that poor mother whose daughter got hurt at school. I can empathize with the feeling of being the “other.”
The good thing is that I truly believe that parenting is more of a unifying factory than one could imagine. But yeah, I agree with some of the comments here. Don’t pretend to know the situation or attempt to empathize because you “think you know.” Just be a decent human being and help a fellow parent out.
‘Cause this shit is hard enough as it is.
Kristen Said,
August 3, 2007 @ 7:25 pm
I’ve reached out before via my clubmom blog “The Mom Trap” as I yearn to read blogs by folks from other cultures.
I do think, however, that many folks blog in part for the reciprocity. And while I, half-asian but mostly white woman might desire to read blogs by folks of color, the question begs to be asked: “Do they want to read a blog by a half-asian mostly white woman?”
And if they don’t, will I continue reading?
That lends itself to the reciprocal nature of blogging. Is it always about getting something back - comments, clicks, readership?
And honestly, do folks of color (non-Asian folks of color) give a rats ass about my priveleged life where I live with my idiotic inlaws and chase after two kids while making a living off blogging?
Probably not — and I can’t say I blame them.
So, how do we bridge the gap? Where are the shared experiences that can bring us together?
Talena Said,
August 3, 2007 @ 11:16 pm
Hi, this is only my second time here (through Neil’s blog, which I also just found), but I have to comment on something in this post. One of my favourite bloggers is a mommyblogger from India named Rohini. She started blogging not long before I did, I found her after only a month or so of being a blogger myself, and I think we would call each other “friends.” However, she is extremely popular, as are several of the other Indian mommybloggers on her blogroll–they have even been featured in an article about mommy bloggers in several print publications in her country. So when we wonder where the “Top Bloggers” are of these other ethnicities, perhaps we don’t know about them because we are arrogant enough to assume they should all be located in our home continent, or run in the same circles as us. That’s where I agree with you–we need to start looking beyond where we would normally tread to find out that it really is a small blogworld after all–and yet, there is so much more to it than we could ever imagine.
Talena
Grace Said,
August 4, 2007 @ 12:35 pm
When I first visited your blog I thought you was a woman who liked coffee, the “mocha” did it for me, who by the way is a mom. After reading your blog, I’d realized that you were dealing with issues in your daily life. Does that make you less of a “mommy blogger”? No! I find it refreshing to read from someone who has different perspectives on life and all the writing is not dedicated to “my children”. So,thanks for the posts. All moms need to still away sometimes from there normal life.
I’ve read a lot of blogs and I never pay much attention to the ethnicity of the writer. If the writing is good, interesting and fun to read, then I will stick with the blog. A persons race never plays a deciding factor to continue reading. Racism is alive, it will only be stop being a deciding factor for some, when we seek to understand each other. We judge because it’s easier to do so. Much harder to put ourselves in other peoples shoes.
Grace Said,
August 4, 2007 @ 12:36 pm
When I first visited your blog I thought you was a woman who liked coffee, the “mocha” did it for me, who by the way is a mom. After reading your blog, I’d realized that you were dealing with issues in your daily life. Does that make you less of a “mommy blogger”? No! I find it refreshing to read from someone who has different perspectives on life and all the writing is not dedicated to “my children”. So,thanks for the posts. All moms need to still away sometimes from there normal life.
I’ve read a lot of blogs and I never paid much attention to the ethnicity of the writer. If the writing is good, interesting and fun to read, then I will stick with the blog. A persons race never plays a deciding factor to continue reading. Racism is alive, it will only be stop being a deciding factor for some, when we seek to understand each other. We judge because it’s easier to do so. Much harder to put ourselves in other peoples shoes.
amaras_mom Said,
August 4, 2007 @ 8:14 pm
Kelly, I knew after talking with you after the Momosphere session that we both realized that the inclusion/exclusion debate lived not just in the blogosphere. Given my very Midwest city, I typically am the practice Asian for a lot of my friends and coworkers. But what’s funny (and sad on some respects) is that they probably know as much about my Filipino background as I do. And I’m not trying to start a mommy war but so many moms give me “a look” when I can’t make a field trip or speak ill about me when I’m not at the block party because I work - non-traditional hours at that. As you showed that poor worried mother on the playground, we are all mothers. We’re all women. We’re all human. And for that reason, I wish there were more Kelly’s in the world.
Elizabeth Said,
August 4, 2007 @ 8:44 pm
I work in an industry immersed in diversity. I’m surrounded by people of all colors and nationalities and I love it. I’ve dispatched an airplane flown by a female Japanese captain. A Persian captain. Flown on an airplane piloted by a gay man. I’ve dispatched airplanes from here to there with an all female flight and cabin crew (which is awesome by the way). And I’ve told a black man where he could go (from St. Louis to Pittsburgh at thirty three thousand feet thankyouverymuch). Are the majority of pilots white males? Sure…but not for long.
Is race the first thing I see when looking at a person? Sure. But it’s taken for what it is (the same way I’d notice if the person am looking at is a guy or a girl) and I make no assumptions as a result. I could very well have pictured a white woman in your story, Kelly–or even a Pakistani woman.
I’ll admit to stereotyping. I tend to go for the “positive” stereotyping (is that even possible?) rather than the negative as a general rule. “Really, your from India? Oh! Can you teach me how to fold a samosa?” I’ll admit to stereotyping based on appearance–not race. Wearing too tight and too short shorts and a tube top (no matter what that person’s race)? I’m guessing that your not a nun.
Lastly, what qualifies one as a mommyblogger? And do I have something to worry about because I’m a mom and I also blog… occasionally about my kids? Why is there a general hostility to mommybloggers?
As always, I leave here thought provoked. And that’s a dangerous thing at nearly 11 at night.
Good night!
Mom101 Said,
August 5, 2007 @ 11:45 am
This story is an excellent reminder for all of us to do better.
I like your notion of Practice Black Person. In my life I have been Practice Jewish Person and even Practice Female Person. When people say (and they have) ignorant things my knee-jerk instinct is to get snarky, but it’s better to gently correct and try to educate. I applaud you for doing this beautifully.
GraceD Said,
August 5, 2007 @ 4:42 pm
May I be the Filipina Fussy? I’m sure Mrs. Kennedy won’t mind.
Dayna Said,
August 5, 2007 @ 10:24 pm
I’m new to the blog world, I just started mine recently. I linked to your post from Neil’s, whom I also just started reading. This was an amazingly good post. Very thought provoking.
I am a white woman who taught in an all black school. Being the minority not only on campus, but in the community where I worked, I think I learned a lot. I can remember running off campus to run to the bank and being the only white person there. I felt slightly uncomfortable, not in any way unsafe, but like people were staring at me, wondering what I was doing there. I felt a little like I was intruding - on a bank - how lame is that?
I can remember wondering if this is what it is like to be a minority in a majority setting. I do have to say, I think I gained a whole new understanding of race, and sterotypes, and prejudice. I can remember being horrified by the way the principal spoke of the students and their families. especially out of the earshot of anyone who wasn’t white. She would have been judging that Mom at your school for the way she was dressed, she would have made comments.
Until I taught there, I thought people who spoke of racism and the day to day difficulties of being a minority as using excuses. Never again. I totally get it now. I totally get the undercurrent of disrespect, and prejudgement that minorities deal with. My nephew is Hispanic, and even though he’s four, my sister worries about it all the time. She’s right, it will have to be a real concern for his life.
Tere Said,
August 6, 2007 @ 7:54 am
Just reaching out to say “great post” - you’re covering issues that are near and dear to me, and I suspect that our paths will be crossing soon via BlogRhet.
KC Said,
August 6, 2007 @ 12:31 pm
Kelly - your post moved me… I never thought of these sorts of judgments in the manner in which you presented it… and what a wake up call! I never thought of inclusion & exclusion until NOW - and I thank you for you opened my eyes and heart to this terrible behaviour … which I have been found guilty of at times.
Thank you. That is all I can say. Thank you.
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
– Mohandas Gandhi.
Liz Said,
August 6, 2007 @ 2:39 pm
Hey Kelly - Great, thoughtful post & great, thoughtful comments, as well. I’ve gotten a lot out of them. I know it’s not the same thing, but I’m fat. Not fat in the “get your friends to say you’re not” fat, but actually fat. I get judged about it everyday and in almost every situation. People assume I’m stupid and lazy and they also usually assume I’m poor.
(Pardon the Platitude) Judging sucks.
That aside, I do have a question about your story. Why didn’t she want her daughter to go to the hospital??
Mocha Momma Said,
August 6, 2007 @ 3:07 pm
Liz - From what the mother told me, she couldn’t afford the ambulance, ER, doctor costs. Understandable, huh?
Your platitude is most correct and I hate that anyone ends up judging. I’m sorry for the assumptions people make and I can only try to stop myself from making those mistakes. May you be judged for your thoughts and heartfelt actions only.
Zoey Said,
August 18, 2007 @ 8:57 pm
hi i enjoyed the read