No one could possibly recreate the day I’ve had, not even in an After School Special. Not a Lifetime movie. Dare I say that not even a musical or Elizabethan tragedy could encompass the weirdness and oddities of what I come in contact with?
Yes, I dare.
I think I need to work on my Quiet Place or Happy Place or Zen because that whole “I can add to the lives of children everywhere (echo: where! where! where!)” is taking a toll on me. Mostly in the now common DOES ANYONE HAVE CHOCOLATE OR COCAINE IN THEIR POSSESSION THAT I COULD BORROW? moments I’ve been experiencing in the late afternoon.
I would settle for a nap, I suppose.
Best to sum up some highlights to explain:
6:20 am Still drifting in and out of sleep and hoping it’s not time to get up.
6:50 am Question myself with my eyes still closed. Is it time to get up? Should I open one eye?
6:55 am Scream at myself in my head, Damnit all to hell and back! When did morning come?
7:00 am Jump in the shower while yelling for someone to let Lola outside to pee.
7:20 am Dry off after shower and remember it’s time to see the gynecologist today.
7:20:03 am Return to shower to shave my legs. For the gynecologist.
8:45 am Hand out wrong packets of test information to teachers in team meeting. Vow to fix it for them and not repeat at Tuesday’s meeting of another group of team teachers.
9:10 am Listen to my first freshman student tell me she is pregnant. Remember vividly how this went for me as a freshman.
9:20 am Want to slap pregnant freshman’s mother for telling her she has today to “make a decision”. Begin to be very grateful for how this went for me as a freshman. Cry anyway. Decide not to return her to In House Suspension where she was kicked out for resting her head on her desk because there are bigger issues in this kid’s life than being in In House today. Cry again as she walks away from me.
10:45 am Leave school to make shaving my legs worthwhile at the doctor’s office.
11:00 am Realize I have wrong insurance card. Watch the Barefoot Contessa make this while sitting in the waiting room. Wonder if I have coconut at home. Remember that my mom is making fried green tomatoes, acorn squash and chili for dinner at my house. Gain 5 pounds right there prior to getting on scale at doctor’s office.
11:10 am Love dearly the new nurse in the office who doesn’t ask, “Do you need to empty your bladder?” when I walk in the room. She has a Tennessee-South Carolina-North Carolina hybrid accent that I’m digging and ask her about when she asks me, “Honey, do you nigh-eed to pee?”
11:13 am Wonder how I grew 3/4 of an inch since my height was measured last year. Contemplate the freak of nature I must be to do that in my 30s.
11:20 Pick up the Complimentary Waiting Room Copy of WebMD with Andy Garcia on the cover. Fan self. Try not to think of Andy while waiting in my paper gown.
11:24 am Stare at ceiling and think of Coconut Cake recipe I’m going to try. Flashes of Andy and the Barefoot Contessa force me to shake my head to rid self of such thoughts together in this awkward position.
11:30 am Watch as doctor takes my new Rx over to the chair where, yes, my panties and bra are ON TOP OF MY CLOTHES and set the prescription right in the left cup of my bra. Shake head to self because I’m mildly amused at this.
11:40 am Fully dressed and getting the standard report from doctor which includes him saying that I’ll need a mammogram in the next 4 years but not because he found anything, just because of my age. Realize that my eyebrows are raised and allow him to fill in the gap with, “You look healthy, Kelly. No lumps. Really. You have average breasts.” Wonder why he continues to refer to them as average. No, they can’t make me french toast or play Heart and Soul on the piano, but I’d hardly call them average. Average, he said.
11:55 am Drive back to work scrutinizing my average breasts and wondering if I need to stop and pick up almond extract for that cake recipe. Decide that I need a mixer like the professionals use. A pink one. Just because. Know that it will remind me of my average breasts because it’s pink, like the Breast Cancer Awareness color.
12:00 pm until 3:10 Deal with student suspended for drugs, he-said-she-said crap, an almost fight, two angry parents, one student who is sad that I changed her schedule because she really liked the view (read: the cute boy who formally sat in front of her), fourteen students who were ok with their schedule changes, and the messiest desk I’ve ever had in my life.
It gets pretty routine and humdrum after that.
September 17, 2007 @ 11:03 pm | Filed under Everyday Mundane | Permalink |
Tricia Said,
September 17, 2007 @ 11:20 pm
Damn, I was looking forward to the blow by blow of…scoot down a bit, a bit more, Ok this will just be a little uncomfortable…” Gritting teeth at the mere thought of that damn speculum!
Aynde Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 5:57 am
Doctors are so good for our self esteem aren’t they? *laughs* I was actually reading the medical records from my hospital stay 3 year ago. The doctor described my breasts as pendulous. I would have much preferred “average”.
I wish I could reach through the interweb and just hug and hug that freshman girl. Then I’d shake her and then hug her some more. I think you were there at the right time and place to give this girl the empathy she needs when even her own mother could not. Bless you!
dawn Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 5:57 am
That coconut cake is to die for. Yes you do need the pink mixer. Mine is blue, but it is hard to imagine that you have lived so long without one.
I have never seen your breasts in person, but I cannot believe for a second they are only “average”
Rigel Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 6:36 am
Dear MM AKA Kelly,
I enjoy your blog. It’s like hearing from a friend about her day and all it’s joys and troubles. Thank you.
Miss K Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 7:02 am
A pregnant freshman, oh my. God surely put you in this job.
KC Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 7:04 am
I feel for that young girl and I hope that she does what feels right for her. Its terrible that her mother is pressuring her to make such a life altering decision, especially at such a young age.
The rest is gravy in comparison.
KC
JAG Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 7:42 am
I can’t feel sorry for the pregnant girl because it was her own decision that got her in the situation. But I can feel sorry for her that her mom isn’t being supportive when she needs her the most.
Doctor’s are the most socially inept people ever.
Have you seen Target’s pink line? My favorite is the pink dyson vaccum and the pink frying pans.
http://www.target.com/gp/browse.html/ref=in_se_pagelist/602-2646443-2433456?ie=UTF8&node=169458011&index=tgt-mf-mv&field-browse=169458011&rank=+pmrank&size=16&page=1
dana Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 7:49 am
I love that the doctor put the Rx in your bra cup. That made me giggle out loud.
Average Jane Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 8:04 am
Let me just say that you really, really do need a KitchenAid mixer. I’ve had mine for almost 13 years now and although it’s not pink, it’s still awesome.
Shigeta Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 8:28 am
Mocha….did the nurse say “Do you nigh-eed to pay?” ala Paula Deen…
Regarding the 14 yr old I DO feel sorry for her regardless if it was “her decision that got her in that situation”. At 14 she has no business having “relations” and yeah, she probably knows it, but once it was done it was done. I lost my virginity when I was 16. It wasn’t planned. I had no freakin’ idea it was gonna happen. I was 16. I liked this boy and was physically attracted to him. We were messin’ around, on a school night no less and the next thing I know, I am no longer a virgin. It was doubly tragic because a couple of weeks later EVERYONE at school knew in a public forum. Eventually he apologized, but the damage was done. Did I stop putting myself in “situations” where this could happen again? Sure I did. I was a hormonal teenager. Do I have regrets? Heck yeah. I hope her mom gets past her anger and helps her daughter make the best decision for them. Either way, it’s a hot mess.
RWA Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 8:28 am
Now THAT sounds like an interesting day.
The doctor putting your prescription in your bra is hilarious.
Daisy Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 5:32 pm
Make me French toast or play Heart and Soul on the piano? Are these talents to which my D-cups should aspire?
MizAngie Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 7:32 pm
Poor [pregnant] kid. Why do most kids think they’re invisible and bullet-proof?
YES. You need one of those mixers. Anyone who even THINKS about cooking should have one of those mixers. Fabulous.
I understand about weird stuff during your day. Here’s mine:
6:29 a.m. Wake up and turn off alarm so I don’t have to hear it. Continue to lay in the bed.
7:00ish Wake up in a panic because I’m not sure how much longer I slept and I need to catch a ride with a friend because my car is in the shop.
7:45 am Sitting on porch waiting for friend who is unbelievably late.
8:17 am Arrived at work seventeen minutes late.
8:30ish Received phone call from former football player who has obviously outlived his friends and now wants to re-visit his college years so called the athletic office. We talk a good twenty minutes.
All day: Received umpteen phone calls from people wanting to buy reserved tickets for homecoming, and want the entire stadium seating chart explained over the phone.
11:00 am: Trainer brings in a set of shoulder pads to see if I can repair them. I can.
11:20 am: Fbl Manager brings in torn jersey to see if I can repair it. I can.
11:30 am: Trainer comes back with football player and shoulder pads so I can measure how much to shorten the strap on a shoulder brace. I mark it with white-out.
1:00 pm: Call from a coach saying he heard I was easy. “I’m not easy…but I can be had.” laughter
1:10 pm: Call from irate mama because her son didn’t get enough Pell grant. Sorry, lady.
3:15 pm: Basketball player comes by for help writing a thank you note to a scholarship donor. I’m sad that he has no idea how to write one, what to say, or how to address an envelope. But he has one of the softest touches on the ball I’ve ever seen.
4:00 pm: Staring at clock and playing freecell.
5:00 pm: Friend who picked me up late is thankfully ready to leave right on the money.
9:30 pm: Procrastinating on that whole shoulder pad/jersey repair issue…
Mocha Momma Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 7:58 pm
Thanks, JAG! I love that Target line! But I’d settle for that mixer that has been eluding me for years due to a small kitchen…
I was thinking that nurse was a la Paula Deen, but the cooking references were already there. I love how Paula can add 4 syllables to a one syllable word.
Belinda Said,
September 20, 2007 @ 1:03 pm
You need that mixer. I have that mixer, and it can walk, talk, and sing the blues. You can totally justify buying that mixer.
And I’m sympathizing with the girl from the final item, because if *I* had a cute boy sitting “formally” in front of ME, I would want to keep him around, too. I imagine that his posture is exemplary, and that he’s dressed in black tie…
Belinda Said,
September 20, 2007 @ 1:03 pm
Heh, heh, heh…