*cross posted at Flawed But Authentic*
Most of what I want to create in this space (and this space) is the ability to try to see things in life that seem, at first, like small differences in the lives of others. It’s been a good exercise for me to write something weekly (ahem!) about ways in which people make a difference and put something out into the universe with the intention of seeing just what comes back to them and to me. Though I must be careful to note that I don’t try to do good with the thought that something will benefit me. If it does, it’s intrinsic and simply a bonus. Kind of like getting an extra bit out of the toothpaste tube. You’re excited that you can have fresh breath and you don’t have to go buy more. Yet.
Recently, I got yelled at over the phone by a parent who is unhappy with their child’s educational experience.
Disclaimer: I pink, sparkly puffy heart my job. I spend my days looking around everywhere for a lesson to be learned, to support the hardest working people this planet has to offer, and searching for ways to be grateful that I spent my days being kind to the people who may perform neurosurgery on me should I ever need it. (Hack, cough, spit. Twohy!) But I will NOT be yelled at. I will not take unnecessary shit. I will not allow students the luxury of being unmotivated or privileged or entitled or snotty and then take the heat when they fail to perform up to the standard.
These aren’t mantras, but they are taking shape into who I am as an administrator. They are setting precedents and giving me permission to grow. And yet, in a quest to learn, they are allowing me to err.
As the parent got louder over the phone, so did I. I realized this when my officemates poked their heads out of their doors to see what was happening. He talked in circles and didn’t ever answer my questions, he moved onto other subjects. He was malicious when he spewed venom toward me by stating that he was glad our district was going to the Restructuring Phase and that the superintendent knew what he was doing because I, in his view, wasn’t qualified for my job. He hissed at me that he hoped I would get a demotion in the district debacle.
Eventually, I said that he was welcome to come in and meet with me since I only ever saw him “support” his son at basketball games where his son wasn’t even a player. But he had “been at the school ALL THE TIME” and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and didn’t care about his son and tried my damnedest to get him kicked out.
The bulk of my body oozed out of my brain and splattered on the floor as I screamed inside my head YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DO AND SACRIFICE AND HOW I WANT FOR THESE KIDS.
This is what I wanted to say. Wanting is sometimes a terrible thing. Wanting and not getting and wanting and foundering around in a total collapse of effort is devastating.
I yelled back and eventually hung up on him. Normally, I might feel vindicated that I said what I wanted to say when I wanted to say it. Like in the movie You’ve Got Mail when Tom Hanks’ character says:
“Have you ever become the worst version of yourself. That a pandora’s box of all the hateful things, your spite, your arrogance, your condecension has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away… you zing them. “Hello it’s Mr Nasty”. I’m sure you have no idea what I’m talking about… “
Then, remember? When later on Meg Ryan’s character actually tells him off and she is crestfallen over it?
That’s how I felt. Crestfallen. Despondent. Forlorn.
Mr. Nasty doesn’t apologize for what he says. Neither would I, but I would change, if I could, my inclination to puke it out the way that I did. The aftertaste is a sonofabitch.
Best I can hope for is to do better next time. Be flawed, but be better at the next opportunity.
February 18, 2008 @ 7:57 pm | Filed under Education, Flawed But Authentic, Lessons I'm Learning | Permalink |
Renegade Crone Said,
February 18, 2008 @ 8:17 pm
That’s what life is all about. Learning from our experiences, especially the NEGATIVE ones. Who the hell learns when all things are positive? We just pat ourselves on the back and move on. Negative actions and feelings are the backbone of growth and we always have the choice of growing or just blowing the whole thing off. It’s your CHOICE TO GROW that makes me proud of you and that ensures the worst part of yourself is not the primary part of yourself. Your own acknowledgement that you had not been your best at that time will be what makes you wake up tomorrow a better person.
I love you,
Mom
Rigel Said,
February 18, 2008 @ 9:07 pm
Sometimes parents elect to dump their frustration and anger at their inability to discipline and parent their child on the teachers and administrators who give up so much to educate their children. I’m proud of the fact that you admit that you lost it with that parent. It’s not your fault that parent chewed you a new one. I echo RC’s comment. We learn from our negative experiences.
On a test, I am more likely to learn from the questions I answered incorrectly. It’s because of that fact that we “choose to grow” that we learn to do better the next time.
It looks like you have a good parent that loves you and supports her child. That parent that yelled at you probably thought they were doing the same thing…standing up for their kid. That doesn’t excuse their maltreatment of you.
Shash Said,
February 18, 2008 @ 9:12 pm
I am always amazed at the difference in definitions that parents have when it comes to “supporting” their children.
I think it speaks volumes that you see an opportunity in this moment to “do better next time”. Many others would be mired down in the yelling and the indignation of it all, and you hope to do better the next time this happens; with whomever it may be.
This…this is why I love you so.
Shash
Daisy Said,
February 19, 2008 @ 3:36 pm
Somehow, I think the calm, cool Mocha wouldn’t have gotten through to this one, either. Don’t beat yourself up for being human.
Tom Said,
February 19, 2008 @ 9:22 pm
I don’t know how many times I’ve lost my cool and spewed nastiness at someone that really deserved it. And I don’t recall ever feeling good about it afterwards. I know I feel like kicking myself whenever it happens.
tanilan Said,
February 20, 2008 @ 10:52 am
You are STILL the greatest educator in the world.
Tricia Said,
February 20, 2008 @ 9:09 pm
Is it so bad that my most prevalent thought is ‘good for you for giving him shit back’.
Maybe not the “best’ or “healthiest” but puking is a necessary evil sometimes, get rid of the toxins.
Dana Said,
February 21, 2008 @ 7:03 am
That part of the movie is my favorite, because I can never stand up for myself and say the things I want to say to certain people in my life, because I know it would make me feel bad later. It’s a double-edged sword for me. If I keep my mouth shut, I feel like I’m being walked on. If I say what I think, I feel like I may perhaps hurt the person’s feelings.
I haven’t quite mastered the civil way to stick up for myself.
I hope that parent had a chance to calm down and realize all the GOOD THINGS you do for his kid and so many others. And if I didn’t, I’ll so kick his ass. Because that’s the kind of mood I’m in today. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Ugh.
-hugs, Mocha!!!
Love,
Dana
Jen Said,
March 1, 2008 @ 3:40 pm
You must have written this post just for me. I had a similar experience this past week and I had the added pressure of having to approach the person the next day. Anyway, you gave words to that crummy feeling I had when I finally had enough of her poison and hung up on her, and somehow, you reinforced why my calling her back had to be done….because I sure would have rather not put myself out there.