Archive for April, 2008

It’s “Research”. I Promise.

I’ve been deeply interested in the posting and responses to Dana’s piece over at BlogHer and spent much of the weekend returning to the site to see concluding reactions. I left my own response to it and won’t share it all right here, but I am genuinely interested in those “questions” I mentioned.

What ARE those ‘ignorant’ questions about race you’ve asked and been checked on even if the response was in anger?

Are there questions you wanted to ask people of color (mostly I’m thinking of Blacks, but I’ll take any query)?

Really, what are your questions? I’m not promising to answer them, but am compiling a list for my own mini-research on an interview Rita is working on with me. She’ll write it up far better than any attempt I could make, but you never know. Some question may be too juicy for me to resist responding to, but beware. You may just get an answer.

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Other Duties As Assigned

While I haven’t devoted an entire post to what I do in my position, I realize this differs from place to place so I can only sum up easily by stating that I take care of the academic needs of students with regard to classes, interventions as a support for them, and finding ways to bridge the superabundance of parental/parole officer/community resource phone calls that come my way. Anytime one of the deans does something that’s not listed on our job descriptions we jokingly whine, “Other duties as assigned”.

This year, that list has grown to some things I would never have imagined to be part of my responsibilities:

Riding in the ambulance when students are hurt or visiting them in the hospital after injuries or surgeries.

 

Going on home visits to find truant students and convincing them to attend school.

 

Telling students to pull up their pants.

 

Being called into meetings that don’t always fall under the category of “responsibilities”.

 

Giving students proper clothing.

 

Handing out tampons and pads to the girls.

 

Driving the girls home who need to change clothing due to aforementioned “duty”.

 

Doing body searches when there is a risk of drugs or weapons. So glad all the girls have had on clean underwear if I have had to do it.

 

Being grateful when one of them simply hands over the paraphernalia.

 

Doing searches on backpacks and finding it filled with condoms. Filled.

 

Thanking the student for being sexually responsible.

 

Hoping I’m not going to hell for wishing they wouldn’t procreate.

 

Using lots of hand sanitizer.

 

Providing students with lotion. I am the current Lotion Queen and sometimes they just stop by my office, put on moisturizer, and leave with a simple, “Thanks! Bye!”

 

Telling students to PULL UP THEIR PANTS.

 

Tying their belt loops together with twisty-ties when they just keep on breaking that rule.

 

Discussing possible abuse with DCFS workers or police officers.

 

Cry, cry, cry.

 

Keeping a supply of hand wipes and deodorant in my office.

 

Keeping a supply of breakfast bars and snacks in my office.

 

Shooing away critters who want to devour the food in my office.

 

Calming down the students in BD classrooms when I am called because they don’t listen to anyone else and I offer a gentle touch. (Fear not, I am known to get tough when they’re acting like jerks and have recently been referred to as the ______ Whisperer. When Jermaine acts up, I’m the Jermaine Whisperer. When Herb acts up, I’m the Herb Whisperer.)

 

Finding students jobs for the summer.

 

Hunting down students in classrooms who I know still didn’t pull up their pants.

 

Smugly walking away when they think I’m “everywhere”.

 

Catching students skipping school when I run an errand for the school and not being ashamed of rolling down my window and yelling, “You get your butt in school RIGHT NOW.”

 

Defending my position when I won’t give students Driver’s Education if they fail to have 4 credits. (Stock response to their frustration: “If you can’t pass English, I don’t want you driving on the road!” Parents ALWAYS agree with me and have gotten many thank you, Mrs. Mocha from it.)

 

Handing out tissues and comforting them even when they’re practically crawling into my lap.

 

Buying paper and pens and alarm clocks for students who need them.

 

Explaining to students that farting silently in class is simply NOT good manners.

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Polite Conversations In Department Stores

It is a truth easily identifiable that Education is a difficult place to be. Especially now with political correctness, impossible NCLB standards, and children who learn so differently that it’s easy to blame technology for all those ills. Let me be plain before I explain further in my story: they learn differently, but we are responsible for teaching them nonetheless.  Still, I am flummoxed at our nation’s denigration of our efforts.

I like change, lots of it. For work, for my personal life, and for the learning that accompanies it whether I take it at the time or have to learn the lesson later. My career thus far has spanned teaching English/Language Arts in four different school buildings, one private school, two middle schools, two high schools, and a plethora of different people. During this tenure, I have been classified as a teacher, teacher leader, literacy coach, and administrator. Much of what I learned about myself, then, is that I love to work with the less fortunate, the humble, the ones who crave learning. The biggest difference between teaching at a private school was the sense of entitlement and I’m ever grateful for the learnings I acquired from a simple, old janitor named Allen. When I left that building I digested much of the attitude of those teachers and sorted through it to discover that kids are kids and my job doesn’t change just because the population does.

Leaving that school I went on to work at the highest poverty middle school in our district and gave as much as I gave previously only to discover that for those students there was such an appreciation for my efforts. Their parents expressed it, too, and it was then I studied the amount of triumph of those students was proportionate to how deserving they felt. What a sobering thought, but that’s just the reality of it.

Recently, I ran into two of the private school teachers who asked what I’d been doing in the six years since I had taught with them. I rattled off  the litany of accomplishments and what I’d been busy with and we chatted cordially. We were, it needs to be said, in the middle of a department store and I knew it was the kind of polite conversation one has when catching up with acquaintances.

“So, you went over to teach at School X. Hmmm. How was that?”

Her meaning wasn’t even thinly veiled. She wanted to know, “What’s it like working with poor kids? With lots of Black kids? With those heathens and hoodlums who only come to school to fight and wreak havoc?”

It was to be a polite conversation. This really shouldn’t ruin it, but her tone set my blood to boiling in a matter of seconds. So I began the process of heaping burning coals on her head.
“It was great! I loved it there!”

“Yes, but was it different?”

I hated the way she said that word. Different. It crossed my mind to slap her right upside the head.

“Absolutely not. Twelve year olds at one school are the same as twelve year olds at another. They all have the same basic needs and deserve an education. They are all teachable.”

“Oh.”

Not the answer she wanted, I assume. Not what she hoped to hear that perhaps I feared for my life on a daily basis and that I’d been caught up in a fight or two and had to put someone in a headlock. That was, of course, true. But she was positively dripping with anticipation of hearing this. She nearly drooled to get The Goods On Poor Public Educators.

“So, you left there. Where are you now?”

I was under the impression, what with all her salivating, that she already knew. She had heard that I pretty much followed those Poor Kids to the high school where I am currently a guidance dean so I offered it up to her minus any fanfare.

“Oh. WOW. You’re there?” There was no way she wanted to hide her incredulous response. She reminded me of the viper news reporters chomping at the bit to get a juicy story.

“Yeah, I love it. It’s great.”

“Well, I hear bad things about that place. What are YOUR thoughts on working there?”

While I am ever conscious of the fact that I represent my school, my district, my city, and my career in education I know that I am to always be positive. It pains me to give anyone ammunition with which to shoot all educators. Yet, here I was in the middle of a store browsing the aisles for sweater sets. My arms were full of a couple of outfits and I had yet to try them on and didn’t want this to ruin my day.

But I didn’t even have to reply to her.

Out of nowhere a woman came around the corner. She had been listening to our conversation on the other side of the dress rack and came to confront the woman to whom I was speaking.

“What’s the matter with you!? Am I to understand that YOU’RE A TEACHER? There is nothing wrong with where she teaches or works or whatever she does there. My daughter went there and just graduated and I was skeptical of sending her there because of PEOPLE LIKE YOU who bash everything in this town when you don’t know anything about it. Why don’t you take your ass over there and see for yourself? My kids have gotten great educations at both those schools this lady just mentioned!”

It occurs to me that, obviously, I am This Lady.

But This Lady, the one who rocked my world by coming to my defense and the defense of all whom I care to represent, was now my favorite person on the planet. Would she balk if I kissed her full on the lips? Would she hate it if I picked her up and twirled her around the store? Could I send her on an all-expenses paid cruise to the Caribbean?

This Lady, me, will forever be grateful for that bitch slap moment when I didn’t have to sigh and explain myself ad nauseam about why I do what I do. The relief I felt after watching this stranger unleash on former colleagues was thoroughly satisfying.

To The Lady who saved me from having to defend my passion for educating ALL STUDENTS: you are my heroine. I didn’t even buy a dress or those sweater sets. You also made me restructure all future “polite conversations.”

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But First We Had To Clean Toilets

To her benefit, my daughter is quite neat and tidy about her apartment space. But when I got there on Sunday afternoon and the hot, hot sun (are you singing how bizarre! how bizarre! now?) came crashing through the windows I noticed a rather disgusting sight: her toilet bowl. It was the college mom in me that grabbed some cleaner, poured it on until my eyes bled from the fumes, and scrubbed it until it was fit for me to hoist my own tootie on it.

I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything else until that toilet was clean.

Right after that, The Fluid Pudding called me and we knew we’d arrive at Bailey’s Chocolate Bar at the same time. When I got off the phone I said to Mallory, “That was THE Fluid Pudding. Yeah. Uh huh. She has my cell number.” and I was smug for 1/1000th of a second because explaining my excitement to people about those that I read (and know and love) online is like reasoning with a clown that his honking nose is not funny. Unless you’re into that. And with online writers, I am. I am into them.

Since everyone including her and her and her and her and her and her and her has already re-capped this better and way before I, then I shall simply provide photographic evidence that I, indeed, met Bossy on her Saturn-sponsored Excellent Road trip.

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Near the destination we saw great houses and this blue one just called my name. If this is your house then: PRETTY.

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There was a scrumptious cheese tray with spiced walnuts that made my mouth do a happy dance. Perhaps a lambada?

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There were photos I tried to take secretly save for the WHIRR, CLICK of the Canon. This should be an ad for something. Bamboo linens? Cheeky haircuts? Divine goddesses?

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There were “Wouldn’t This Be A Funny Picture?” poses that required no libation lubrication. This is me sober. No, don’t run away. Come back.

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There were desserts that my daughter ordered while I was busy chatting away with boisterous women. At one point, perhaps to simply shut me up, she shoved the pistachio-encrusted truffle in my mouth.

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There were pictures that should never be enlarged because leftover mint from mojito-tasting is stuck in my teeth. If it looks fuzzy, it’s because my camera is drunk again. The lush.

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There were “artistic” shots of Bossy taken with the ethereal light she produces from her being. While I am enamored with her site, I’m altogether smitten with her presence and soulfulness. I had taken two other pictures of her that she didn’t like (but one has her great arched eyebrow and it scares me a little) so I promised not to post it.

Several things stand out from that night: smelling Fluid Pudding’s hair (twice), Mallory putting her foot on the table and having every camera in the vicinity snap a photo of her tattooed tootsie, standing on a chair to pose for the long-armed Bossy shot and then realizing that leaning over in my skirt in front of the restaurant window may not have been a good idea, getting passionate and loud, no I mean LOUD, about education, and learning Bossy’s middle name. It made me forget all about cleaning toilets.

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But First I Had To Roll Around On Her Bed

Before jumping in to my post about my very-much-needed weekend with my girlfriends, I pause here to celebrate the genius that is Tina Fey and 30 Rock:

Jack (Head of Network): Let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it?

Kenneth (The NBC Page): Oh, no, sir. I don’t vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin. So I always just write in the Lord’s name.

Jack: That’s Republican. We count those.

Since my Thursdays are always raped by those in power required of me to be on the administrative team for our district, I miss 30 Rock so I have to watch online episodes and mostly do so right before going to sleep. This means I want something subdued and I don’t normally guffaw while watching it, but that little exchange made me pause for breath because I laughed so hard.

I shouldn’t joke about what’s been asked of me during our restructuring, but it sure is making me miss seeing my boys on those nights and at first I was Noble Employee full of Yes! I’d love to do my part! and now I’m getting a little weary, but I need to put on my big girl panties. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m counting down the weeks. (The mantra just changes in my head from 9 weeks left, Kelly. 9 weeks left. to 6 weeks left, Kelly. 6 blessed weeks left.) This is the hard part of being an educator because I can spot those kids whose wheels are falling off toward the end of the school year because they so hate being unstructured during the summer months and not getting daily affirmations from those special teachers who change lives. I know they don’t want to go away from their daily school routine, but I have to help keep them focused to press on.

Do you see how unfocused I currently am behaving? I haven’t even gotten to the Spa Day yet. Slap me, please.

Every year my teacher girlfriends and I try to get together for something. At first, we did scrapbooking (I’m entirely lazy to it now and have about $50,000 worth of stickers and supplies) and then we had parties (Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, etc…) and then we played bunco and then we said, “Screw this! We want our nails done!” so the plan was hatched.

First, we get together for Friday night dinner (which I couldn’t attend because we had to crash a party and go to Mallory’s show) and spend the night at Krista’s house. She has a cat and since I’m allergic she patiently de-cat-furs the house including her bed which she lets me sleep in except I pooped out in St. Louis and had to meet them on Saturday for the incredible brunch she provided. She even sets the table with personalized napkin rings.

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When I got there she immediately said, “I’ll have you know that bed is CAT FUR FREE just for you and you missed it! Now get your butt up there and roll around on my bed.”

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Next, all seven of us go to a spa where we have picked out two services and intermittently meet in this relaxing room with a chocolate fountain and LOTSA WINE, which we bring ourselves. In fact, I’m not allowed to name the spa because they’d get in trouble. They bring us a tray with wine glasses and a bottle opener and whisper clandestinely, “We don’t know you have this.” and it’s all very hush-hush wink-wink.

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Did I mention the chocolate fountain where we sit in our white spa robes and try to lick the dripping chocolate after having too much wine?

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This time I opted for an intense focal Swedish massage and a pedicure. Actually, I think everyone got the pedicure.

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Inadvertently, we all steal the same OPI nail color (Royal Rajah Ruby) and then gush, “Oh, that looks good on you!” to replies of “NO. That looks good on YOU.

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Since we’re all relaxed by this point we opt to do some shopping and have vowed to always tell the truth even if it is YES, YOUR ASS IS ENORMOUSLY FLAT AND AWFUL LOOKING IN THOSE PANTS. That’s true friendship. I never want them to lie to me. We have also vowed to tell one another if there is something stuck in teeth, if toilet paper is hanging from a shoe, or if we’re just too dang old to wear something. It’s refreshing to have honest, caring friends because junior high friends? I’m so over that.

We ate dinner at Granite City Food and Brewery where I got a sample platter of many beers. The darkest one on the far right tasted like chocolate and coffee called the Broad Axe Stout but my favorite was “The Bennie” because it made my lips tingly and my tongue happy and that’s pretty much the only requirement for good beer in my opinion.

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Our hostess, Krista, has the most patient husband in the world and he showed up toward the end of the evening and we got free chocolate cake after six of us got served and the poor seventh gal had to wait. When the manager brought it out and offered it free she politely refused (where the hell do I get polite friends? when did that happen!?) so I coughed “Free dessert!” only 5 times before he said, “I think your friend wants some dessert.” Clearly, the chocolate fountain and chocolate beer WAS NOT ENOUGH FOR ME.

I passed my camera to an amateur who shot this picture to which I instantly said, “Nice. It looks like the cake is posing as his penis.” Her husband isn’t really shocked to hear this fall from my lips. I previously rolled around on his bed at the request of his wife, so I’m sure he expected that.

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So I had to take another picture of this divine creation.

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The obligatory Everyone In The Photo shot.

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Also? My arms are huge and I haven’t even been lifting weights. Perhaps it’s from LIFTING BEER AND CHOCOLATE? I’d like to say that my girlfriends are just tiny and fit into my pocket, but I’ll just say here that I love them dearly and they make me laugh until my cheeks are sore and my stomach muscles ache.

Letting me roll around on their beds doesn’t hurt either.

*the Tastefully Simple link takes you to my favorite product of theirs - Beer Bread. DUH. BIG, FLABBY ARMS, YOU MORON.

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