“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson
Lately, I have had some really nasty thoughts. Gross, sticky thoughts. Once in a while a good thought will creep in. A great friend of mine tells me to “put them in my back pocket for when I’m feeling low and needing a reminder to feel good”. I’m actually done naval gazing for a while, though I will say that I’ve learned some things about myself. My jealousy level can get pretty high. In most situations I am mature enough to say aloud that I want things. Stuff. I know that when I was interviewed by Rita for BlogHer and asked about her new anthology there were pangs of “Why not me?”
That is par for the course. Most of what I’ve gotten in life came from constantly inviting myself in, both literally and figuratively. I’ve done it in church, with the soccer mom groups, in Bible study groups, in fitness groups, in educational circles, and in friendship circles.
Now that I’m older I realize that I don’t need a group. I am myself and I make my own group.
That’s what eight months of therapy bought me. Next I plan on purchasing my first set of pearls or diamond earrings or a flatscreen tv with a Wii. Whatever strikes my fancy.
Make no mistake: I am not proud of being jealous or hoping for things that I see other people getting. There is genuine joy for them but a little piece of my heart feels torn off every time and more than anything, I hate that I feel that. But let’s be honest and just say that WE ARE NEEDY, FLAWED HUMANS. We want things we don’t deserve, that we didn’t earn.
I desperately want to wear a pair of white pants but I need to give up that ghost. I’m too worried about them being see-through and SHOWING THINGS THAT NEED TO REMAIN A SECRET. No one should be made to count the dimples in my thighs without following it up with an acid eyewash to repair the ocular damage my thighs would do to them.
Today I’m feeling lucky and scared and nervous and jittery and a plethora of emotions. For the first time since I’ve ventured on the journey of writing words and stringing together sentences I was offered a chance to write for a major publication. Where this will go I do not know nor do I allow myself to imagine the range of possibilities.
That one goes in my back pocket and will make me not feel like an inadequate hack poseur writer. It goes in the back pocket of my dark jeans though. I know I look pretty good in them.
May 22, 2008 @ 10:19 pm | Filed under Lessons I'm Learning | Permalink |
Belinda Said,
May 22, 2008 @ 10:24 pm
Cream rises to the top, my dear. You SHOULD be writing for…for EVERYONE! So there! Now I’m trying not to be jealous.
But seriously? Yeah. WANTWANTWANT. It’s ugly, but it’s there way too often.
Belindas last blog post..Latino Rap Mermaids, Farting Ducks, And PB&J
Angella Said,
May 22, 2008 @ 10:26 pm
Awesome, sweetie. DO NOT DELETE.
It is normal to want to have what others have. I struggle with it too. Daily.
But?
*Cue the Church Lady*
Satan?
Dude is EVIL.
Focus on the Goodness. Really.
Can’t wait to hear about your opportunity!
Angellas last blog post..No Running
jess Said,
May 22, 2008 @ 10:27 pm
cream indeed. way to go, you deserve it.
jesss last blog post..zomg
Mary Wallace Said,
May 22, 2008 @ 10:29 pm
Buy the white pants, honey, life is short and you will look hot. Thank god your voice is asked for in a larger fish pond! Thanks for being honest, we all struggle and its good to hear we’re not alone in it.
Dave2 Said,
May 22, 2008 @ 10:36 pm
Just. Write!
Dave2s last blog post..Epinephrine
schmutzie Said,
May 22, 2008 @ 11:30 pm
You’ve been featured on Five Star Friday:
http://tinyurl.com/3zpnmt
schmutzies last blog post..Your To-Do List
Average Jane Said,
May 23, 2008 @ 3:38 am
It sounds like you’re getting to a good place. I can’t wait to read your new project!
Average Janes last blog post..Average Jane Has the Old House Blues
ali Said,
May 23, 2008 @ 4:36 am
I hope you share with us! I love to read anything you write!
alis last blog post..…and then I dropped my kid (again)
smtwngrl Said,
May 23, 2008 @ 6:16 am
You deserve it! And you’re obviously not the only one who gets a bit jealous when you see others getting what you’d like to have (which I’m totally not doing right now, honest. No really, I swear, no jealousy here.).
Can’t wait to read the new work! You’ll never be a “hack poseur writer”.
And that quote? I have it posted at work and home and I read it every day to remind myself that “We are all meant to shine…”
Shine on, Mocha!
White Hot Magik Said,
May 23, 2008 @ 8:34 am
Jealousy can have a good outcome if it drives us to achieve more. It’s negative when we are self defeatist about our desires or try to take away from others. I am sure you know that already. I admit to being jealous of you at times, wishing I could be the cool girl that everyone loves. Then I ask myself, What would Mocha do? Sometimes I get the urge to drink coffee, but usually I get the urge to just be myself and live life with gusto. Congrats on the writing gig, you deserve it, I hope you allow us to read it.
White Hot Magiks last blog post..And the Winner Is..
Mocha Momma Said,
May 23, 2008 @ 5:40 pm
Thank you everyone. You’re all awfully nice. Want to come over and let me make you some s’mores? I love those. I’d let you have the first batch, too.
And to think I was afraid to publish this one.
Daisy Said,
May 23, 2008 @ 5:48 pm
Is this an educational publication? Tell me so I can read it! And you, my dear, must look fabulous in jeans, period.
Daisys last blog post..Aunt Deb’s Rhubarb Upside Down Cake
Elizabeth Said,
May 23, 2008 @ 11:45 pm
I can’t wait till you’re able to share details on this new project! Congrats!
Elizabeths last blog post..Guess what I got in the mail today???
Redneck Mommy Said,
May 24, 2008 @ 8:21 am
You have so perfectly summed up my feelings.
Without the offer to write for a major publication.
(Swallowing the pangs of envy now.)
Good on you girl. I’m genuinely happy for you.
REALLY.
Shine on, friend, shine on.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..In Case You Were Wondering…
Tom Said,
May 24, 2008 @ 12:25 pm
Does this mean when I go on vacation and I ask you to babysit my blog again you are going to charge me?
I would gladly pay because I have always thought you were a great writer and you look hot in white pants! Except for that time you wore them with red old lady undies.
Toms last blog post..It Really Better Not Be A Tumor
angie Said,
May 24, 2008 @ 6:08 pm
CONGRATULATIONS!
Jennifer Said,
May 24, 2008 @ 6:10 pm
I love this post and your guts for writing it. Congrats on the writing gig, too. No, really. I’m happy for you.
Jennifers last blog post..Blog Tip Sharing Project 1
Siobhan Said,
May 24, 2008 @ 10:16 pm
Huzzah For You! Yay, great news. I think you were brave, eloquent and exact in what you said in how WE ALL feel from time-to-time, whether we wish to admit it or not. We are all fallible and not one of us is perfect. The Good Book even says so. Speaking of books and writing opportunities — you will spill the (coffee?) beans on that one soon, won’t you?
Love the new look. So glad I decided to get on bloglines again…
Siobhans last blog post..Thirteen Things I Might Have Posted Thursday Given the Chance
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
May 25, 2008 @ 5:39 pm
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Hot Damn, girl! I’m so happy for you. (Obviously, since I hardly ever curse.)
And just ’cause I (or you) want something doesn’t mean you (or other folks) can’t have it too. If that makes any sense.
Caffeinated Librarians last blog post..I’m So Punny
Kristin Said,
May 26, 2008 @ 11:42 am
I bought white pants this year… I wear them under a dress and pretend I am from India and very global.
You know I envy everything about you.
Kristins last blog post..Wedding WHOA!
anonymous Said,
May 27, 2008 @ 9:56 am
Unbought and unbossed doesn’t mean unpaid. Take the money and be yourself.
Amy in StL Said,
May 27, 2008 @ 11:20 am
Buy the white pants. Go to target and buy the Contour fit ones. I can’t explain how they fit my thighs and ample butt in them and yet don’t gap or pull across my cellulite. They are magic. Yes.
Susan Said,
May 27, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
I think every one of us if asked would admit to feeling jealousy. Totally normal. I admit to being jealous of your writing skillz - but in a good way (not spiteful at all). Congrats on the writing opportunity. You deserve it! I can’t wait to read all about it.
Susans last blog post..Brace face
Rigel Said,
May 28, 2008 @ 7:55 am
Mocha,
Congrats on the offer to write for a publication! Be excited and enjoy the fruit of your labor. Blessings in this endeavor! Please share about it when you’ve made a deal!
Rigels last blog post..Trans-racial Adoption
Mocha Momma » I’m About To Stir The Pot Said,
February 2, 2009 @ 9:10 pm
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