No one else was gonna do it and I’m from the school of Do It Yourself. Incidentally, every single freaking time I see “DIY” it takes me a moment to come up with what the letters stand for and I’m slightly pissed at myself for being so slow.

So! I tagged myself! Because I have a blog and I’m not afraid to use it!

The Rules: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. And it’s a freakin’ free-for-all on snarky comments.  Assign 2 other poor bastards to the task and the electronic equivalent of chain letters is complete. The only thing to do is to sit back and wait for my millions to be mailed to me.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. Brevity is the soul of wit and don’t try to fix your car yourself. I’m a former English teacher. I know the power of a conjunction.
2. Tell if someone is lying. Having been a mother for 22 years I can safely say that when you repeat my question to you in a higher pitch, you’re gettin’ all Pinocchio up in here.
3. Take a photo. I likey my digital SLR. Seen my stuff? Well, probably not lately, but I’m still taking pictures.
4. Score a baseball game. No, but I can whistle with two fingers and scream like a madwoman for my team.
5. Name a book that matters. “Song of Solomon” by Toni Morrison. I’d like bonus points for being able to deconstruct characters and themes, please?
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. Let’s go with Bob Marley since that’s the theme lately.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. That stove doesn’t frighten me, plus I have this from Pampered Chef and it cooks all meat until it no longer requires a knife to cut.
8. Not monopolize the conversation. (Nope. Can’t do it. I’m a chatty Cathy.)
9. Write a letter. I think perhaps I’ve proven that one.
10. Buy a suit. Let’s just say that I have an affinity for shopping.
11. Swim three different strokes. Umm, butterfly, breaststroke, and sidestroke. Thanks, YMCA camp!
12. Show respect without being a suck-up. Don’t let the huge ego fool you. There’s humility in this body.
13. Throw a punch. Only once and the bastard deserved it. No, it wasn’t last week.
14. Chop down a tree. My Green sensibilities forbid it. We need the oxygen!
15. Calculate square footage. Yes, my math capabilities extend to junior high.
16. Tie a bow tie. (Sadly, no, but isn’t it always sexy when a woman helps a man do this?)
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. I’m assuming we’re not talking coffee, so no. But I order drinks like a pro! (Not like an alcoholic. A pro. Big difference.)
18. Speak a foreign language. Si, Espanol. Enough to get by.
19. Approach a woman man out of his her league. No such thing. I truly believe this.
20. Sew a button. If you can’t? First, shame on you. Second, here… let me teach you.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. I try not to argue with any Europeans mostly because I wish I were one. (Not sucking up. See #12.)
22. Give a woman man pleasure an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it doesn’t have any energy left. If you can’t? Well, sorry. I can’t help you out there. Try this.
23. Be loyal. I try, but don’t irk me. I’ll turn on you like a muthafucka.
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. I have this trick and I don’t mind sharing it here: PAY ATTENTION.
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. I prefer these 3 precious words: HIRE A CONTRACTOR.
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. Yes, I can, but it’s not my preference. Can kill spiders, too.
27. Play gin with an old guy. Not much gives me more pleasure. They are a hoot.
28. Play go fish with a kid. I lose interest after a bit but I’ll send the kid to the old guy because that’s even funnier.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. If I say yes will my ass drop straight through these shorts? Oh, look! They did already!
30. Feign interest. My eyes light up and I smile through it all. See #22.
31. Make a bed. I’m a hospital corners kind of gal.
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. It’s yummy! (No one has yet taken me to Napa Valley. Why is that?)
33. Hit a jump shot in pool. (Not to save my life.)
34. Dress a wound. With a paper clip and a rubber band if I have to because MacGuyver could, why can’t I?
35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. I watched while Mallory’s car was jump started on Friday. You can bet it’s a “no” on the latter two.
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. I grew up a good Catholic girl. I don’t make bets. But the former Catholic in me? Yeah, see #22. Yes, AGAIN.)
37. Shuffle a deck of cards. Took me until my 20s, but I can do it without looking like a dork now.
38. Tell a joke. More of a storyteller I am. Also, more like Yoda with the way I just worded that last sentence.
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. Good. Catholic. Girl. Blackjack is the one with 21, right?
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Lower your voice and smile wickedly. 8 year olds totally get into that stuff.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. I look everyone in the eye and project my voice. Like a good teacher.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. Same thing as above.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. Reading directions is not my thing unless it has pictures. I love pictures! Pretty much only the lighting fixture. But you have to SEE to be able to do the others so I make it possible!
44. Ask for help. Learning this one more and more. Have I told you I’m seeing a therapist and am on medication. Yeah, the crazies hit me upside the head recently.
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. Morgan takes karate so I had to learn this one.
46. Tell a woman’s dress size. I’m too much of a lady to even guess. Why do I need to know any woman’s dress size? I mean, if I’m going to whack her and steal her clothes maybe. I can see this if I catch a woman close to my size wearing a Vera Wang wedding gown, but then there’s the blood and all…
47. Recite one poem from memory. “Stay Gold” from The Outsiders. Dang that Ponyboy.
48. Remove a stain. Hello, Tide To Go pen!
49. Say no. Yes. No. Maybe. Too ambiguous. Ask me again?
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. Yes, but scrambled eggs made with ranch dressing are MUCH better.
51. Build a campfire. Need materials, but I can get the job done.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do. Do you know what I do for a living? Too many people have told me they don’t want my job.
53. Sometimes, kick some ass. Do you know what I do for a living? On a very. regular. basis.
54. Break up a fight. Do you know..yes, you know. I have done it twice in the last 4 months.
55. Point to the north at any time. My aunt Eileen taught me the directions using the Black Hills of South Dakota when I was ten. I am ever grateful.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. I’m making out with my iPod right now and there are 17 playlists on it. Each is a secret message to myself. I think this one I can knock out of the park.
57. Explain what a light-year is. No. But I can use The Google!
58. Avoid boredom. Read a book, dude. Expand your vocabulary!
59. Write a thank-you note. On the prettiest stationary. Anybody ever get one from me? Anybody pissed that I didn’t send them one? Sooooo sorry.
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. Dermalogica face care. Cleared up my high school skin years ago. I kiss the bottles nightly.
61. Cook bacon. Nice and crispy and then I EAT THE ENTIRE POUND MYSELF.
62. Hold a baby. And smell it’s head right before I try to stuff it in my mouth. They’re so delicious.
63. Deliver a eulogy. Thankfully, I’ve not been asked. I’m too much of a crier.
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve. “Lies My Teacher Told Me”. Excellent read.
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. I was somewhat of a tomboy, so let’s call it a softball.
66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Never even tried.
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. In my high school days and then that one time right after we installed a hoop in front of the house. Only during the summer of 1998.
68. Find his her way out of the woods if lost. How did I get there in the first place? I’m a city gal, folks.
69. Tie a knot. I regret quitting Girl Scouts so soon.
70. Shake hands. Wait until the other person lets you know how much pressure, but don’t kill them. YOU’RE NOT THE HULK, OK?
71. Iron a shirt. Collar first, then arms, then front and back.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. Lipgloss, hair tie, sunglasses. We’re going on an emergency trip to the beach, aren’t we?
73. Caress a woman’s man’s neck. My Love Language is Touch. I speak it well.
74. Know some birds. Only a few. Why is this important? Just indulge in their beauty.
75. Negotiate a better price. How much is a class on this because I need it. But I can ask for a bargain and get them. Perhaps I’m thinking that this means like on a house or car. There are some adorable Tommy Hilfiger mocha-colored sandals that I got $10 off once and I’m still psyched about it!

Tag yourself and tell me about it. If you do it really well then you get a gold star for number 22!