My younger sister, Tracy, once jokingly told our mother that when whites and blacks get together to make babies they should sign an agreement that they would pay for the hair care for those children for the remainder of their lives.

I’m going to have to agree to that.

I didn’t learn how to do much with my hair until I was in my 20s and my best friend from college, Tammy, helped me moisturize it and straighten it and keep it from looking like a Chia pet on crack. I owe her my life but she’ll just want to use my uterus to grow her a baby someday since she’s probably not going to be able to carry it herself.

She was smarter than my sisters and I and has that agreement written in blood already.

Since I said I would post about my hair, oh, something like 7 months ago I figured I would do that today. It’s a time sensitive process that requires a good brush and these 5 products.

The products have an order in which they must be applied and brushing the still-wet hair must take place after every new application. If it becomes dry too quickly I have to start over and run my hair under the kitchen faucet. It’s very exciting. See how much I love doing that?

First, I spray it with Schwarzkopf’s Bonacure Moisture Kick and that is crucial because it keeps it from becoming too dry. It seems like the other products stick better when I use it.

Next, I put in Arosci’s Super Scrunching Creme that is purple and smells very good. You will want to put it on a salad but resist! Don’t do it!

By this time I have to add more moisture because I put on the product and brush it through and it’s becoming more dry but I have all this working with my fingers to create some curls. To keep it moist while doing this, I spray Motions Leave-In Conditioner.

Then it’s time to put some shine into it so I use Farouk Systems Biosilk and work it through. Tip: whatever is leftover on your hands makes a great skin moisturizer so rub it on your elbows.

To help the resistant hair I take a few pieces and twirl them around my finger so that they set in a curl.

Most of the time I forget to spray the ends of them and they might look dryer on the ends.

Now it’s time to work in some more moisture so I add another few sprays of the conditioner and then it’s time to scrunch. Aussie Scrunch Spray is probably the cheapest product I use. Just for fun I added up the 5 products and this daily task costs nearly $54. Mom and Dad? COUGH IT UP, FOLKS.

It shrinks up as it dries and to get the full effect I took one picture where it’s still pretty wet.

This next one is after about 2 hours. By this time I’m getting a little weary of the curls falling in my face so I use a barrette to hold it back, thus exposing my fivehead.

You’re riveted, I know this. Especially the men who read this site. Oh, shut up, guys. This will help you appreciate the time your woman spends in the bathroom. Women already fathom this.

There you have it! After this I usually have to empty out my brush and could probably make a baby wig with what I have brushed out. Why I am not currently bald with all this loss of hair is a mystery.

One more thing: with all the spraying of products and brushing of wet hair I have to use a bathmat or else I will slip and slide in the bathroom after this ritual.

Can you please leave comments telling my parents to write me a check?

This weekend I spent time with my sisters and parents in Chicago (a difficult feat, to say the least – my parents are divorced and one of my sisters isn’t speaking to my father) and it was the most wonderful family time. I’m too exhausted to write much. Here. Have pictures. In fact, have pictures with smudges in the left-hand corner!

My sister, her boyfriend, and my 2 nephews spent all day with us on Saturday. We ate the most delicious pancakes IN THE WORLD I DARE YOU TO FIND BETTER.

I tried on some of my sister’s shoes. She said I may borrow these lovelies for my trip to San Francisco next month.

We went to Grant Park where we saw a group of people being photographed for a Quinceañera. This little guy wasn’t so interested in the pictures, but loved his cane.

Taking a break from a lot of walking and the hot sun.

Reflections from The Bean in Millennium Park.

I think her mother has a camera in her hand a bit too much.

The faces that spit water. Perfect day for an impromptu splash!

Also, tell me how you’ve been. Are you feeling well? Getting audited by the IRS? Finding beautiful seashells on your summer trips? Been to any good movies lately? Do you like that new Estelle song featuring Kanye West? Me, too!

It’s going to be my summer anthem.

Since I had to attend an Administrator Academy within this fiscal year to meet the requirements for remaining an administrator I won’t let it go by without note. Aren’t you lucky? It’s like you took the class with me today except you didn’t have to pay for it nor do you get the “lunch provided”. But make some bbq pulled pork sandwiches and some coleslaw and it’s like you’re there! (Put some sweet sauce and some spicy sauce on your sandwich like I did but don’t go for the cookie. The cookie will look good to you at first and then it will disappoint you. Honestly, I look out for you people.)

We had to compile a list of what our Dream School Culture would look like. This is what I came up with:

Leave the building better than when you left it.

Engage all families by contacting them and having an ongoing relationship with them.

Connect with everyone. Every day.

Greet every student everyday. BY NAME. (“Hello, Kristen.” and “Good morning, Anthony.”) ((Best Buy does this. So does Wal-Mart and our local Family Video. It makes me feel welcome! Shouldn’t we all feel welcome in school?))

Believe that the building exists for more than the sole purpose of disciplining students.

Do early interventions and preventative programs tailored to students.

Focus on teaching and learning and if the conversation doesn’t call for anything else as an educator, don’t bother bringing it to the table.

Believe that every child can learn.

Never except excuses; not from students, teachers, parents, or community members.

Require teachers to attend faculty meetings they miss the night before because they coincidentally ALWAYS have doctor appointments on those meeting days. (I hate when someone asks “What did I miss at the meeting?” and people reply “Oh, nothing.” Why would I bother making an agenda and going through it if it were NOTHING?)

Speak to the staff at a State of The Campus address each Fall. It is no secret we’re not doing the best we possibly could be doing so put it out there and challenge everyone to do their best for the kids’ sake.

Ignore AYP and No Child Left Behind. Success isn’t contingent upon the 62.5% you were required to meet this year. Did ANYTHING good happen this school year? Celebrate it. No matter how small.

Control the media when school stories must be told. Fax it to them at 4pm when they can’t “fact check” it. They’ll think they have the scoop and you’ll have told the story YOU want to tell.

Be professional in every manner: dress, speech, expectations.

Create Student Advisory Committees – those kids have some damn good ideas. Listen to them.

Teachers who threaten to quit should be allowed to do so on the spot. Empty threats mean nothing and usually they’re the negative teachers who are harming children so let them go.

Create a family-centered workplace that values our time and efforts for those we teach and those we are raising in our own homes.

Today I smell extra good. My butt looks good in this summer skirt. My hair is curling properly and not puffing up to planetary proportions. My zits have all cleared up. I’m not bloated. My teeth are super shiny and clean.

That must be why three advertisers contacted me today.

What else could be the reason?

Today I’m choosing not to care which is the reason. Because all of the above statements about myself are false save one.

The hair is doing something it’s actually supposed to do for once. I haven’t been able to afford going to get my hair done so we’re going ethnic, au natural, swirly curly. So if you have products you want me to hawk, it’s probably because my hair is so kick ass today. Good hair sells.

No one else was gonna do it and I’m from the school of Do It Yourself. Incidentally, every single freaking time I see “DIY” it takes me a moment to come up with what the letters stand for and I’m slightly pissed at myself for being so slow.

So! I tagged myself! Because I have a blog and I’m not afraid to use it!

The Rules: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. And it’s a freakin’ free-for-all on snarky comments.  Assign 2 other poor bastards to the task and the electronic equivalent of chain letters is complete. The only thing to do is to sit back and wait for my millions to be mailed to me.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. Brevity is the soul of wit and don’t try to fix your car yourself. I’m a former English teacher. I know the power of a conjunction.
2. Tell if someone is lying. Having been a mother for 22 years I can safely say that when you repeat my question to you in a higher pitch, you’re gettin’ all Pinocchio up in here.
3. Take a photo. I likey my digital SLR. Seen my stuff? Well, probably not lately, but I’m still taking pictures.
4. Score a baseball game. No, but I can whistle with two fingers and scream like a madwoman for my team.
5. Name a book that matters. “Song of Solomon” by Toni Morrison. I’d like bonus points for being able to deconstruct characters and themes, please?
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. Let’s go with Bob Marley since that’s the theme lately.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. That stove doesn’t frighten me, plus I have this from Pampered Chef and it cooks all meat until it no longer requires a knife to cut.
8. Not monopolize the conversation. (Nope. Can’t do it. I’m a chatty Cathy.)
9. Write a letter. I think perhaps I’ve proven that one.
10. Buy a suit. Let’s just say that I have an affinity for shopping.
11. Swim three different strokes. Umm, butterfly, breaststroke, and sidestroke. Thanks, YMCA camp!
12. Show respect without being a suck-up. Don’t let the huge ego fool you. There’s humility in this body.
13. Throw a punch. Only once and the bastard deserved it. No, it wasn’t last week.
14. Chop down a tree. My Green sensibilities forbid it. We need the oxygen!
15. Calculate square footage. Yes, my math capabilities extend to junior high.
16. Tie a bow tie. (Sadly, no, but isn’t it always sexy when a woman helps a man do this?)
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. I’m assuming we’re not talking coffee, so no. But I order drinks like a pro! (Not like an alcoholic. A pro. Big difference.)
18. Speak a foreign language. Si, Espanol. Enough to get by.
19. Approach a woman man out of his her league. No such thing. I truly believe this.
20. Sew a button. If you can’t? First, shame on you. Second, here… let me teach you.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. I try not to argue with any Europeans mostly because I wish I were one. (Not sucking up. See #12.)
22. Give a woman man pleasure an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it doesn’t have any energy left. If you can’t? Well, sorry. I can’t help you out there. Try this.
23. Be loyal. I try, but don’t irk me. I’ll turn on you like a muthafucka.
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. I have this trick and I don’t mind sharing it here: PAY ATTENTION.
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. I prefer these 3 precious words: HIRE A CONTRACTOR.
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. Yes, I can, but it’s not my preference. Can kill spiders, too.
27. Play gin with an old guy. Not much gives me more pleasure. They are a hoot.
28. Play go fish with a kid. I lose interest after a bit but I’ll send the kid to the old guy because that’s even funnier.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. If I say yes will my ass drop straight through these shorts? Oh, look! They did already!
30. Feign interest. My eyes light up and I smile through it all. See #22.
31. Make a bed. I’m a hospital corners kind of gal.
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. It’s yummy! (No one has yet taken me to Napa Valley. Why is that?)
33. Hit a jump shot in pool. (Not to save my life.)
34. Dress a wound. With a paper clip and a rubber band if I have to because MacGuyver could, why can’t I?
35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. I watched while Mallory’s car was jump started on Friday. You can bet it’s a “no” on the latter two.
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. I grew up a good Catholic girl. I don’t make bets. But the former Catholic in me? Yeah, see #22. Yes, AGAIN.)
37. Shuffle a deck of cards. Took me until my 20s, but I can do it without looking like a dork now.
38. Tell a joke. More of a storyteller I am. Also, more like Yoda with the way I just worded that last sentence.
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. Good. Catholic. Girl. Blackjack is the one with 21, right?
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. Lower your voice and smile wickedly. 8 year olds totally get into that stuff.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. I look everyone in the eye and project my voice. Like a good teacher.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. Same thing as above.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. Reading directions is not my thing unless it has pictures. I love pictures! Pretty much only the lighting fixture. But you have to SEE to be able to do the others so I make it possible!
44. Ask for help. Learning this one more and more. Have I told you I’m seeing a therapist and am on medication. Yeah, the crazies hit me upside the head recently.
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. Morgan takes karate so I had to learn this one.
46. Tell a woman’s dress size. I’m too much of a lady to even guess. Why do I need to know any woman’s dress size? I mean, if I’m going to whack her and steal her clothes maybe. I can see this if I catch a woman close to my size wearing a Vera Wang wedding gown, but then there’s the blood and all…
47. Recite one poem from memory. “Stay Gold” from The Outsiders. Dang that Ponyboy.
48. Remove a stain. Hello, Tide To Go pen!
49. Say no. Yes. No. Maybe. Too ambiguous. Ask me again?
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. Yes, but scrambled eggs made with ranch dressing are MUCH better.
51. Build a campfire. Need materials, but I can get the job done.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do. Do you know what I do for a living? Too many people have told me they don’t want my job.
53. Sometimes, kick some ass. Do you know what I do for a living? On a very. regular. basis.
54. Break up a fight. Do you know..yes, you know. I have done it twice in the last 4 months.
55. Point to the north at any time. My aunt Eileen taught me the directions using the Black Hills of South Dakota when I was ten. I am ever grateful.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. I’m making out with my iPod right now and there are 17 playlists on it. Each is a secret message to myself. I think this one I can knock out of the park.
57. Explain what a light-year is. No. But I can use The Google!
58. Avoid boredom. Read a book, dude. Expand your vocabulary!
59. Write a thank-you note. On the prettiest stationary. Anybody ever get one from me? Anybody pissed that I didn’t send them one? Sooooo sorry.
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. Dermalogica face care. Cleared up my high school skin years ago. I kiss the bottles nightly.
61. Cook bacon. Nice and crispy and then I EAT THE ENTIRE POUND MYSELF.
62. Hold a baby. And smell it’s head right before I try to stuff it in my mouth. They’re so delicious.
63. Deliver a eulogy. Thankfully, I’ve not been asked. I’m too much of a crier.
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve. “Lies My Teacher Told Me”. Excellent read.
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. I was somewhat of a tomboy, so let’s call it a softball.
66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Never even tried.
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. In my high school days and then that one time right after we installed a hoop in front of the house. Only during the summer of 1998.
68. Find his her way out of the woods if lost. How did I get there in the first place? I’m a city gal, folks.
69. Tie a knot. I regret quitting Girl Scouts so soon.
70. Shake hands. Wait until the other person lets you know how much pressure, but don’t kill them. YOU’RE NOT THE HULK, OK?
71. Iron a shirt. Collar first, then arms, then front and back.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. Lipgloss, hair tie, sunglasses. We’re going on an emergency trip to the beach, aren’t we?
73. Caress a woman’s man’s neck. My Love Language is Touch. I speak it well.
74. Know some birds. Only a few. Why is this important? Just indulge in their beauty.
75. Negotiate a better price. How much is a class on this because I need it. But I can ask for a bargain and get them. Perhaps I’m thinking that this means like on a house or car. There are some adorable Tommy Hilfiger mocha-colored sandals that I got $10 off once and I’m still psyched about it!

Tag yourself and tell me about it. If you do it really well then you get a gold star for number 22!