During the panel on which I spoke as a speaker (as opposed to “spoke as a presenter” or “spoke as a high-class hooker”) there were moments when I questioned myself with the same thought that came through my head when I was asked to speak in the first place: Why am I up here and why does what I say matter? It happened, I suppose, because being a woman and raising a daughter today means a whole different thing than when I was a girl. Some of the images women are presented with, and hopefully reject, are simply more in sheer number than when I was young.
After speaking on a panel so many women came up to introduce themselves or shake hands or ask more questions and there were touching comments and thoughtful reiterations of our discussion. One woman approached me and said that she didn’t have a blog but loved to read them. Her comment was this:
How do you find what you need to have in order to be happy with your body and your looks? Because you can do it easily; you’re tall and attractive and it’s easy for you.
After I gasped from the underhanded compliment, I answered her this way:
I wasn’t always happy with my body. Or my looks, for that matter. You’d never guess the weight I actually am because I hid it with my height and you’d never know that I have several cavities in my mouth because I’ve learned that when someone tells you have a nice smile you simply thank them and accept it. Don’t give away all your ugly secrets. Tracee had already mentioned how women tell their daughters how beautiful they are and in the next breath use self-deprecatory speech which sends a mixed message to them. There’s no magic pill I can give you. But it takes practice.
After we hugged and shed a few tears, I realized that women don’t know how to do this. We can blame media all we want, but we have to continue to redefine the images of beauty.
I’m going to declare big calf muscles in my legs as strong AND sexy.
I’m going to figure out a way to accentuate my naturally curly (not kinky, I hate that word) hair.
I’m going to go ahead and buy that dress I like because it makes my curves stand out and I’M OK WITH THAT.
These are all things I have said to myself. Confidence building takes time. Parenting while you’re doing that takes effort on top of that. But it can be done. Trust me, there are days when I feel like a slimy troll, but I don’t announce that to the world. The ugly days I keep to myself and that isn’t just about body image, that’s about my feelings and my mood. You can’t just puke it out for the world to see and expect people to wonder where you get your flare and good attitude. People pick up what you’re laying down.
One of the other things I mentioned was about being a tall woman. Even though I have mentioned that before I found no less than 10 people who make mention of it when they meet me in person. Does that bother me? Hell no. In junior high I hated it. Especially flu and cold season during dances when every short boy came up to my chest and it was striped with snot after slow dancing. But now? I love it and have come to appreciate it as an added bonus in how I walk into a room.
Some women are intimidated by that and, while I am cognizant of those insecurities, they are no longer my problem. Do you know that every woman who stopped me to introduce herself at BlogHer was instantly crushed in a hug from me? I know that it’s difficult to walk up to a stranger (even though that gene is missing from my own DNA, but that’s from Middle Child Syndrome) but do it! You probably won’t be disappointed! If you are, back away slowly and don’t lose eye contact. You know, like when you’re faced with a rabid dog.
My proudest moment from the entire weekend in San Francisco came when my daughter spoke at the end of that session. Here is a snippet of what she said:
As someone who just came out of my graduation from college, and the end of my parenting: at the end of the day, no matter what they said to me, it was my choice. I was one of those A&F kids. I was multiracial and I could pass. But I appreciate that Mom never bought me those clothes; if I wanted them, I had to buy them myself. I remember thinking “I’m really uncomfortable in these size zero pants.” As much parenting as she did, there was some blockage that I put up. It really does start at good parenting, but when it was my choice, and I could make those decisions about the clothes, that’s when it really turned me on. So keep going; it helps.
She’s a wise one, that daughter of mine. Keep going. It helps.
Laurie has the entire conversation live-blogged here. I wrote something for her site a few weeks ago and that can be found here.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
She was wonderful! My daughter’s two, so she’s a long way from commenting on a presentation (of sorts) her mother’s given. But your daughter is inspiring and it gave me hope—that our daughters can grow up to be healthy and strong. Good for you! And good for her.
That is wonderful to hear. I really think my mom tried her best, and I intend to improve upon it with M. Hope you don’t mind, but you’re turning into one of my heroes. (especially because of the big feet in cute shoes thing)
Awesome daughter you have there, MM…
I find women can’t take a compliment. My girlfriends in college once spent an entire hour taking down ourselves after one person said that another’s hair looked nice.
“My hair? I totally need a haircut. It’s way too long.”
“You think these pants look good? My a** is huge!”
“I can’t believe you think I have good thghs – they’re thunder thighs!”
What good did that do any of us? Why couldn’t we just let it alone? Why did we feel like we had to bond in this crazy way?
We decided then and there to adopt the philosophy of “say thank you, then walk away…” So when someone gives you a compliment, TAKE IT. Say thank you. Then say no more. You don’t even have to give the compliment back, but you can, it’s up to you. Just don’t take down the compliment, deconstruct it, or reject it. TAKE IT. Say thank you. Then move on. To this day, I still do that. Sometimes, I’m literally clawing at my lip to not say anything, and I look bizarre, but I can take a compliment. Really I can. And I’m glad to hear you can too.
Ellen Gersteins last blog post..“The Mother at the Swings”
So true, so true.
White Hot Magiks last blog post..Magnetic Monday
You hit the nail on the head. Your an amazing woman raising an equally amazing daughter.. Not to be all stalker -ish but I look up to you ,& as a fellow teenage mother , I applaud anyone who has gone through those struggles yet keeps her head up! You go girl…
What a great tribute from your daughter! I had to learn to love myself by myself. I had bolder features than my mom and half-sister. I had “kinky” hair, big lips, a wide nose, large breasts, and overall big-boned. I always thought I was some oddity. Turns out, they were just really small. I was pretty average.
When I finally met my bio-dad and his family, I ended up being the smallest. They all kept saying, “Look at your little nose… how cute!” Or “How did you get your hair to be so wavy instead of kinky like ours?” Or even, to my shock, “Are you eating enough? You’re awfully thin.”
And that’s when I realized that I was perfectly fine just being me. Not that I don’t struggle. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But now, I try to embrace the body that I’ve been blessed with… and I hope to teach my beautiful daughters the same.
The reference to mothers complimenting their children really struck home. I have a close friend with two daughters, and even from the outside I can see the conflicting messages. Telling them they’re beautiful just the way they are, and then “Don’t drink sugared pop! You want to keep that cute little figure.” Constantly talking about dieting in front of her daughters, and employing really unhealthy dieting habits so the focus is on size and not health.
I find it very disturbing. And I know she is not the only one who does this. I think it is rampant in our society.
How sad.
BETSYs last blog post..Blurbs
Your legs are soooooo fucking sexy. I told you that when you were playing Wii. I just have big tree trunk legs. Not cute.
Could I have sounded any more lesbo in this comment?
Marias last blog post..And this is how it all went down:
What timing this post has in my life. My baby is 3 months old, and I find myself looking with tears in my eyes at pix of J.Lo’s post-baby body . . . Nicole Richie . . . Xtina . . . etc. etc. I don’t need to go on. I hate on myself, and berate myself, and that is NOT the media’s fault. It’s my own damn fault for looking them up, and comparing my Full Time Job No Maid No Trainer No Chef life to theirs. Of course they have slimmed down more quickly than I have – like 80% of the time their bodies are their whole job, while sitting my raggedy tired self down at a computer all day is mine.
I used to feel beautiful but I am finding it very hard these postpartum days. I really want to hide. You are right. I need to declare my sack o’ belly skin as beautiful, the former home of my completely astonishing son, and spend my energy doing something else – energy these days (and I fear all days from here on out) is in short supply.
Those shoes, by the way, are HOTT.
BlogHer was soothing balm to my tender pregnant ego. Whether they were telling a kind lie or not, so many women said to me – sincerely enough that I believed them – that I was a beautiful, radiant, glowing pregnant woman. “Wow, it’s just belly! You hardly even look pregnant behind that bowling ball!” etc, etc, etc.
While I may be self-deprecating at times, I’ve also grown more comfortable in my own skin than I ever was in my younger days – days when I had a taut body that I should have adored! But experience and life have taught me to love the stretch marks, to appreciate every wrinkle, and to focus on the assets that give me confidence.
As the child of a mother who was sharing diet pills with I was 16, I had a pretty screwed up body image for a long time. Worse than that, I thought that appearance was all that mattered. Now? Now appearance is great, something to be accentuated as best I can manage, but it’s the inside that I let shine out that I hope draws people in and makes them think “I want to know this girl”. I hope it’s that I have a ready smile, a listening ear, and a willingness to make a fool of myself if it will make someone else smile. Oh, and also my fantastic boobs.
MeLs last blog post..Of Birth Days and Birthdays.
blahblah mallory this, mallory that!
wish i had met you earlier on IRL…
you are a treat. why were we taking different freeways the whole weekend? NOT EVEN AN ELEVATOR ENCOUNTER…
(unless you were in disguise and one of those people who was stuck in the elevator with me and all…can you please explain this to me? a phlog? a blougher? WHAT IS BOFF HER?? and i suppressed giggles…were you?)
gwendomamas last blog post..Blogher 08 in a (Very Large) Nutshell
Tall is cool, yo. Though I didn’t think that, either, when I was six-two at the age of 16. Only the very brave boys would slow dance with me.
All Adithers last blog post..Jeans shopping Anywhere in America
You and your daughter BOTH project a sense of belonging in the space you are in… very, very admirable.
And girl, I am a midget compared to you (especially in the photo of you, me and Bossy) but I never once said a thing about how tall you are! How cool am I?
Great post, Kelly.
My girls are so little yet, and I am trying hard to change that piece of me that is so self-critical. Seems my Mom was always on some sort of diet when I was growing up – no size was ever quite right for her, and still isn’t. I want my girls to grow up confident and happy with themselves – and its such a struggle to get to that point with myself, so I can be a good example.
Wendys last blog post..Love Bites
i believe confidence is everything. it takes time and, as you said, practice. a confident daughter comes from a confident mother. i can see that in your family, from your mom to your daughter. i’m so admiring you!
Aafricas last blog post..
OK..so your son made me cry over his camp stuff…now Mallory made me cry. You do realize that you have brilliant children…
mps last blog post..Prayer – Good Wishes Request PLEASE
OMG!
How did I miss this? You’ve been blogging! I lost track of you ’cause I thought you’d stopped.
Glad I (accidentally and can’t remember how) found you again.
Natalies last blog post..Minutia
I left San Francisco, visited my sister in San Diego and immediately purchased a dress that would not be “safe” at home for my curves, as you say. And I wore it to brunch, and I looked appropriate, and I felt great.
Coincidence that I’d just been to Blogher? Probably not. I’m going to try to be a little easier on myself this year.
Loved meeting you.
lauries last blog post..Contextually speaking