When I write I try to sit in a quiet place and let the words come to me after having rolled my thoughts around in my brain for the entirety of a day. By the end of the day I have my topic, my thesis, and I just roll it out without stopping long enough to consider if I split infinitives. It’s come too easily for me thus far and I sort of hate that right now because trying to form sentences about what is going on with me is nearly impossible. It’s the most intensely personal and even shameful thing I’ve kept close to my heart, so putting it out there for others to read about and experience as I’m going through it is thorny and complicated.
First, there are all the people involved to consider. My daughter has her own parents, her own brothers and her own life absent of me. She is as raw as I am and, while we hold tight to one another as we navigate this unchartered territory, it is our story. I would never want to hurt anyone, whether they are an adoptive parent or birth parent, and I don’t have all the answers. All I have is what we are doing as we get to know one another.
In 1986 I gave birth to my first daughter, Mallory, and by the time she turned 1 in 1987 I was already pregnant again with Maddie*. It’s safe to say that at the crossroads of fertility and fidelity I was caught in a trap that wouldn’t release me even though I walked right into it. The hardest thing about not being able to blame anyone else is that it allows for shame to set up camp and put it’s feet up on the ottoman as if it’s going to stay awhile. Maddie’s birth father and I placed her for adoption and resumed our lives as normally as we could. If people knew, they didn’t say anything to us and if they did it’s because they were friends close to us. But even some of them couldn’t begin the conversation at times. Her birth father is not Mallory’s birth father and for my other children this has been something which they’ve needed to come to terms. My youngest, trying to process this simply asked, “So you did it with three guys?”
Well, not at the same time.
The story is a simple one. It’s easy to find your birth parents if only you know their last name and the dance begins. Slowly, at first, wondering which foot to move. Do I answer this request to be my friend on Facebook? Do I return the missed phone call that I know is her? Your feet begin to move and the dance cannot be undone, though your life surely feels like it slowly unraveling and you’re coming undone before your very eyes. Shuffling along, you grab onto your partner and breathe in their air, taking the words of their life story and listening as you wait for them to spin you around again and again until you’re completely dizzy. You pull your dance partner in closer and try to stay in sync with the steps and pray the other doesn’t pull back because this is the sweetest dance of your life. Is there even music playing anymore? Was there ever any rhythm in what you were hearing or was that just your brain buzzing?
For us, we are getting acquainted and we are laughing and loving. We ask, “Is this ok?” and “How does that make you feel?” and “What do your friends say about this?” It isn’t right for everyone in these situations, but for us it is. It’s uncomfortable at times and others, it feels so perfectly normal that we don’t question it. What she knows to be true is that I couldn’t raise another child and do it well because everything was simply messy. That’s what it always is, messy. But it’s the fact that we know it’s ok to be messy and be in a mess and still commit to figuring this out as we go along. If there’s a book written on the topic of reuniting with your adopted child then I just haven’t found it.
Our dance continues. Tomorrow we are inviting the rest of my family to the ballroom to be swept up in this waltz. I know that there are lots of strong feelings about that, but I’m not going to apologize or stop dancing or hope for happy endings for everyone. My other children are excited about having another sister, but they’re apprehensive, too. It’s risky and complex and all I can do is facilitate what is best described as an invitation to love another human being both as they wholly are and as they are wholly a part of their biological makeup.
Love, as far as I can tell, is an unusual beast with new dance moves every time you come into contact with it. A friend gave me this advice about it: You don’t love your other children any less just because there’s another person with which to share it. You don’t spread it thinner when you spread it wider.
I’m gonna dance this dance. There’s no way I’m sitting this one out.
*Maddie is not her real name, but a nickname of hers. She has given me permission to write about her as I see fit and she is a writer in her own right. Nature totally won out on that issue.*
October 16, 2008 @ 7:40 pm | Filed under Freaky Family, Lessons I'm Learning | Permalink | Comments (77)
Oh, The Joys Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 7:43 pm
It’s all messy, friend, for all of us. Thinking of you with a huge smile on my face.
Karen Sugarpants Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 7:48 pm
May your hearts be your maps.
Watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYJjHCZN46U
The lyrics are fitting here:
Made off;
Don’t stray;
Well, my kind’s,your kind;
I’ll stay the same…
and you will. you’re lovely, loving, fantastic. you’ll stay the same. you’re both lucky to have found each other. enjoy it and forget what everyone else says.
melanie Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 8:07 pm
Family no matter how messy , unperfect , unrefined , is family non the less. I am sure this road is full of so many conflicting feelings, but you apparently made the right choice , the best choice at the time. I am so happy for you right now!!
Violet The Verbose Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 8:12 pm
Wow. Wow. That is so great. You always hear about people looking for their biological parents – how wonderful that she found you and you’re getting to know each other and the rest of your family will get to know her too. I can only imagine how different and delicate things may be at times, but like you said, she shares your biological makeup with you *and* with them. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve found each other. Enjoy the dance!
Jessica Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 8:14 pm
Oh, this just takes my breath away.
My father told us of his adoption only after his mother had died. His secret made him crazy.
Kristina Brooke Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 8:25 pm
I am adopted. My story is strange. It is long and drawn out. You have inspired me to write about it. Thank you for sharing.
Big Mike In Oz Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 8:27 pm
Everyone’s throwing a story and a song in. Following up on your dance theme… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHRdZUOFJkc
Big Mike In Oz Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 8:32 pm
Spread it wide. In the nicest possible way.
MammaLoves Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 8:39 pm
How terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
As an adoptee, I’m a bit envious of Maddie. I hope your other kids can accept it, because you’re right. You are given more love with every child.
I’m sending big giant hugs of support. And I can’t wait to hear more.
Lara Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 9:29 pm
this made me cry, but in a good way. i’m so happy for you all, even in spite of the difficulties that will come along the way.
Rachel Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 9:53 pm
My sister is a birth mother in an open adoption, so I know all about messy. Big hugs all around, and I hope everything goes well as you get to know each other better.
Siobhan Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 10:07 pm
K., that was so beautifully written, it really captured your heart — and mine. I wish you and your family and Maddie* well. Great M. nickname.
On a much lighter note, and completely non-related, I couldn’t help but notice one sentence:
“…allows for shame to set up camp and put it’s feet up on the ottoman”. Shouldn’t that “it’s” be a non-possessive its? Did you do that on purpose (again)? Heh heh. Love ya girl.
Elizabeth Said,
October 16, 2008 @ 10:50 pm
What an amazing journey you and your family are now on. I wish you lots of love, grace, forgiveness and blessings.
*hugs*
deannie Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 12:53 am
We learn so much from one another Mocha. I am in whole hearted agreement that spreading our love wider is not the same as thinner.
I love the dance analogy…I can only imagine the occasional desire for some Dramamine.
Many hugs to you while building precious paths together with each of your children.
inthefastlane Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 3:30 am
What a scary, wonderful, heart wrenching time.
ali Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 4:17 am
wow, what an amazing time in your life! Wishing you and all of your children the best!
Kristen Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 5:38 am
It’s all gonna be good.
GirlNamedJames Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 5:38 am
How blessed you and Maddie are to have found one another again and what an amazing journey on which you’re all about to embark. Best wishes!!!
xoxoxoxo
-James
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 5:54 am
What a beautiful post for your amazing story and continued journey.
Molly Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 6:35 am
My birth son and I have known each other 9 years now. In the beginning we kept trying to “figure it out” – there is absolutely nothing like it – nothing to compare it to. The only books I went to freaked me out! It is definitely worth the dance. And you know – I was never much of a dancer but I am learning. Love to you both.
KBO Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 6:38 am
Such strength, courage, and stark vulnerability. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Yolanda Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 6:54 am
Thank you for sharing such an incredibly amazing time in your life. Maddie is a beautiful daughter to join such a great family (and beautiful mother). I hope you dance….right into a wonderful future together.
nec Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 7:22 am
This dance is a complicated waltz, at first you must go slowly, but with time and patience the steps will flow quicker and smoother. Of course once you start to spin and go really fast you risk falling down – but then – isn’t that what family is all about?
) Thank you for sharing yourself and your story.
sonrie Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 7:37 am
You both are strong and brave women. A lot of what we need in the world.
Gwen Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 7:50 am
I appreciate your courage and honesty. I hope each day with Maddie is more sweet than salty. Much love and peace to all of you.
Amelia Sprout Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 8:01 am
Wow. You just get more impressive every day (and your family too). Maybe you need to write a book if there aren’t any good ones.
Miss Britt Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 8:03 am
God bless the women who aren’t afraid of the mess.
Thinking of you. Both of you. All of you.
Assertagirl Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 9:14 am
It is an amazing and beautiful story. Thanks for trusting us and sharing it with us.
Kristin Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 9:45 am
Amazing. Thank you for sharing your (and Maddie’s) story.
Stefania/CityMama Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 9:47 am
Can barely see the keyboard through the tears. My love, admiration, and respect for you just quadrupled. I needed to read about the power of love and strength today. I thank the universe for you.
Pattie Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 12:19 pm
I’m excited for you and your family. It’s all messy, but having more people to love is never a bad thing. I wish you all well as you continue the dance. You’re such a beautiful writer, I can’t wait to hear the next part of the story.
mp Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 12:39 pm
I’m excited for you and jealous of her at the same time. I’m an adopted daughter who would love to meat my birthmother..but I’m scared she wouldn’t be cool like you and be some kind of dork.
I sure hope Maddie writes about what it’s like to be an adoptee that finds her bmom.. Did she really find you on Facebook??
Susan Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 1:05 pm
Thinking of you all during this messy and scary, yet wonderful time of your lives! I also wanted to say thanking you for giving your readers a bit of an explanation, when you absolutely did not an explanation. (((HUGS)))
angie Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 1:51 pm
You were very strong. You made the best of a messy situation, and now you get the prize of another person in your life. Good for you!
Lovebabz Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 3:34 pm
I love you Sister. You grow me in a grand way.
Fiona Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
Thanks for sharing your dance! Best wishes for strength, peace, and much laughter for all involved!
JenniferB Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 4:19 pm
Brave and beautiful — you, her, the whole story.
Jean Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 4:45 pm
Wow.. my admiration for you grows.. It’s so hard to give up a child, even when it’s best for them.. and you. I continue to counsel girls to truly decide when it IS best for the child, even though it’s never easy for the mom. Thanks for thinking of her first.. We have several adopted kids in our family, and it’s been the best thing for them! We wouldn’t have them if someone hadn’t decided to be unselfish.. so thank you… to you and all those brave moms who love their children the rest of their lives.. Hugs to you and Maddie as you dance this dance. I hope it’s as great for you two as it is for my niece.. she now has TWO great families that love her..
hugs,
Jean
Jakki Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 4:45 pm
Ahhhhhhhhhhh lady YOU gave me goosebumps. You both are so brave to not only in step into the ballroom and dance the waltz but strike up your own dance tecnique for others to follow, to watch and try to muddle their own way through.
Pam Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 7:06 pm
I am sitting here just bawling. You have the most sensitive heart, the most transparent spirit, and such a lovely compassion for human frailty.
Every time you share a part of your life journey I think this: “God keep her safe and grant her every joy imaginable for the joy she brings to others.”
I’m holding good thoughts for the next messy part of life you are about to explore with your family. And a special prayer for Maddie who was brave enough to say “Yes” to the mess
)
Rigel Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 7:18 pm
Mocha,
Enjoy the dance. Think Garth Brooks (”The Dance”)… Think “twirling” like from the movie You’ve Got Mail.
My husband and I have been unable to have kids. I’m still hoping that one day he’ll come around to wanting to adopt.
tracey Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 8:35 pm
Usually, I skim through the other comments, to see if others share my thoughts. This time I had to get right to it; I’ll read them later. To have the courage that you have to have right now, I don’t know that I could. I read this post with tears in my eyes. Life itself is a delicate dance, with us forever changing our steps as the music changes. We try frantically to keep up, but times, I think we should just let the music carry us, and enjoy the ride.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. Enjoy the dance you get to share with your beautiful family.
Love, love, love,
Tracey
Tricia Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 8:51 pm
“You don’t love your other children any less just because there’s another person with which to share it. You don’t spread it thinner when you spread it wider.”
And… haven’t you always loved her just as fiercely as the children that remained with you? Now she is present in your lives- and that is the difference.
How will Maddie’s presence in your life alter your relationships with everyone? Not just your other children. Your new job changed your relationships, that new book you read, changed your relationships, the constant contact with children who need a little extra something, changed your relationships… Ya know?
White Hot Magik Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 10:06 pm
Congratulations. I am so happy that has come full circle for you.
Ms. Bar B Said,
October 17, 2008 @ 11:04 pm
Sounds like the beginning of something wonderful. All you can do is take it one step at a time… the same way that you take life in general. Things will play out the way that they are suppose to play out. Everyone has a stake in this newly found relationship and so everyone will deal in their own ways, but at the end of the day, I believe that you all will endure happiness and share love.
Mr. Noodle Said,
October 18, 2008 @ 9:49 am
Dancing is an unique demonstration of the two partners inner soul.
At first, each kind of feel each other out. Then, as they get more used to each other, they begin to step out of the norm. That’s when the partnership starts to reveal itself.
My hope is that you and Maddie, and the rest of your family, reveal yourselves to be the partners that you have always dreamed of being…
Cynthia Samuels Said,
October 18, 2008 @ 10:13 pm
What a blessing that both of you have the courage and strength for this! I’m sure it completes so many circles that you didn’t even know were there. My admiration for you – which was already enormous – grows yet again. I wish a soft, gentle landing for everyone in this new configuration, and know that with you leading the dance, the stars are properly aligned.
Double Agent Girl Said,
October 19, 2008 @ 5:41 pm
I did this with my father when I was 15. It’s complicated and scary and so wonderful and aching… enjoy the ride.
Maguerite128 Said,
October 20, 2008 @ 7:54 am
Let me say to all…..my sister has always known how to dance and this one is no exception. Kelly, let there be no shame in this! You did what was right at the time. Imagine the feelings that Maddie’s parents have had! You granted them the opportunity to have a child and to raise her in the wonderful fashion that is so evident. There are questions to be asked and answered and they shall. There are so many feelings that need to be healed and expressed. My advice – Move your feet one at a time. If you get off beat every once in a while that’s ok too. You have a slew of supporters whose prayers and thoughts are with you. (Your bloggers love you – didn’t know you hit it so big.) You have a family that stands behind you and the kids. YOU HIT THE BEST LOTTERY OF THEM ALL KID! And lastly and most of all, your sisters, one older and one younger, stand WITH you and will be there to help you keep moving. WE DANCE WITH YOU! FOREVER YOURS IN LIFE AND BY BLOOD! Your BIG sis! I love you.
Maguerite128 Said,
October 20, 2008 @ 7:56 am
YOU ARE, ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE….THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS!
-PEACE AND BLESSINGS
Angie Said,
October 20, 2008 @ 8:42 am
Wow… I’m speechless…. *sniff, sniff*
Minnie Said,
October 20, 2008 @ 9:32 am
Be messy, and imperfect, and dance. A lot.
Thank you for the courage to share your story.
scoutj Said,
October 20, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
this makes me really happy for you.
mayberry Said,
October 21, 2008 @ 7:33 am
Oh WOW. Somehow I missed the previous post. What an amazing story and an amazing family you have. Lots of love to you all.
Kristin Said,
October 21, 2008 @ 6:20 pm
As an adoptive parent, my biggest fear is that my children’s birth parents won’t respond to the dance with the gracefulness that you have. I truly hope that they are able to have that connection someday.
Good for you for opening up and allowing her back into your life. It is messy, it always is.
-Kristin
Angel Said,
October 21, 2008 @ 6:42 pm
What can be said that hasn’t been mentioned? Oh, I know…..
Boogie, Oogie Oogie…..All Night Long, Like it’s 1999……and then start ALL over.
Good LUCK to you Mom and baby girl. (Handing you a cigar)
Mocha Momma Said,
October 21, 2008 @ 7:03 pm
Man, y’all. I feel loved. For reals. I would drunk dial every one of you if I knew your number.
Mommela Said,
October 22, 2008 @ 12:09 pm
Dance, dearheart, dance!
Much love, Mommela
*lynne* Said,
October 23, 2008 @ 12:24 am
wow. amazing. thank you for sharing your (and maddie*’s) tale. You’ve moved me to tears.
MyBrownBaby Said,
October 25, 2008 @ 5:38 am
What a wonderful, beautiful story. I’m so glad that you’re “dancing this waltz” and letting us take a peek. Your writing is stunning, but your story is the true gem. You and Maddie and your families are in my family’s prayers.
Sugar Said,
October 25, 2008 @ 8:47 am
I had my first baby at 18. I wonder often what her life might have been like had we put her up for adoption. I think about the struggles I faced as a teen mom. I only have the memory that I have. I can torture myself with what might have been for her, but what good would that do? Reading your story is awesome in a scary kind of way. That probably doesn’t make any sense… I guess it’s just really great to see how things turned out on the back end… and so I wonder what might be happening with my daugher and me right now if that would have been my choice. Would she be more whole? More confident? More organized in her life? I don’t know…
Grace Said,
October 26, 2008 @ 11:53 am
What a beautiful story. I will be praying that you will continue to make this an even more beautiful experience.
BOSSY Said,
October 27, 2008 @ 3:16 am
This is wonderful, Mocha Sista. Bossy is honored you allowed us all a glimpse.
e.Craig Said,
October 27, 2008 @ 10:26 am
God bless you all on your journey. Love conquers all.
Susan Said,
October 28, 2008 @ 1:41 pm
Well, well, well…
I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately and meaning to come visit. It was going to be a giddy message about all the exciting political news (I remember you were there when his candidacy was announced, right?). But this is such joyous news, who cares about the election? I am so happy for you. Enjoy this wonderful journey!
~ Susan, formerly of Soccer Orb
katie Said,
October 28, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
kelly,
i remember finding you one day when you were reminiscing about your journey with babymallory. you oozed strength and bravery and intensity and passion and love. of course you ooze that for each of your babies. this dance that you are now having is very natural, very momma, very passionate, very heartfelt, very kelly.
your dancing-music is loud and strong and harmonious.
love and sunshine X
Daisy Said,
October 31, 2008 @ 8:16 pm
Oh, my goodness! Wow! She’s a beauty, and talented, too. Definitely nature. And your willingness to let another family raise her, love her, and know her — I can’t imagine your pain in giving her to another family, but I can imagine your joy in meeting her now.
Love to both of you. No, to all of you.
elly Said,
November 5, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
As an adoptive mother, I can not tell you how scary that dance is from this side of the ballroom.
Wifey's House Said,
November 5, 2008 @ 5:31 pm
Wow. How touching, honest and real. Hope your gliding across the dance floor… smiles.
Christine Said,
November 14, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
Yea for the both of you!
Oh, and a dear friend of mine (who specializes in adoption reunification) has written a book called “Courageous Blessing,” written for adoptive parents of a child searching for and finding their first family. Her name is Carol Demuth. She works for Buckner in Dallas, TX. She’s a wealth of information and can give info on other resources, as well, that helps the whole triad during reunification: 1-866-236-7823
Tell her Christine sent you!
BotchedExperiment Said,
November 15, 2008 @ 11:19 am
867-5309 give me a call.
Only 3 guys!?
When I look back at the decisions I made as a younger person I’m simultaneously horrified and gratified. In your cse, you made a horrible decision, then you made a great decision, then you made an impossible decision, which only required complete bravery and would require about 20 years of maturation before you could come to terms with whether it was a good or bad choice. As you’ve indicated, you look back (justifiably) with shame, but you should also look back with pride and joy that you also made a couple great decisions.
Ultimately, I feel like I haven’t made decisions at all, but things just kind of happened to me. As such, it seems there weren’t choices, just reality. The choices were what happened, not what I chose. And yet, I was/am responsible.
Besides, when I look back at that young Botched, it doesn’t even seem like the same person. The DNA is the same, but the soul has changed (not to mention the gut).
A Said,
November 18, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
So moving and well written, and so painful to read. 24 years ago I made a very different decision. Even though I know I wouldn’t have the life I do now — a life I love — if I hadn’t made it, it’s still painful. I’m wishing all of you the best.
Spring Said,
November 18, 2008 @ 3:29 pm
How wonderful for both of you and if I were to be honest, I’d have to admit I’m a bit envious. My newest daughter joined our family through adoption at age 10 and has no living biological relatives. How I wish for her that she had some connection remaining.
No matter what the result, be certain that it matters to your daughter very much that you are alive, tangible, available. Very much.
Your honesty is beautiful. I’m new to this blog (came from anti-racist parent) but I’ll be back. Thanks for sharing.
CC Said,
November 23, 2008 @ 3:16 pm
I find it more than just a coincidence that I recently wrote about my dance with adoption and fertility. Although from the other perspective (as the adoptive parent).
Although this is the 1st post I’ve ever read of yours, I think I was meant to be here and subscribe to your blog!
PS: I’m a former High School teacher and current Speech Pathologist in an elementary school
Mocha Momma » Vulnerable Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 6:02 am
[...] unclear to me what happens when I try to explain this dance I’m doing in reuniting with the daughter I placed for adoption 21 years ago. The most common joke I make [...]
Anonymous Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 11:25 am
We have a very, very similar situation in my husband’s family right now! I’m excited for you both!
Dana Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 9:26 pm
Kelly, this is so touching. I don’t know how I missed this post until now, but it doesn’t matter. Your words are loving and kind, filled with emotion and raw honesty. It doesn’t get any better than this — there’s no other way to describe what your feeling and thinking than you have.
I wish I had some magical advice to help you navigate this. All I can offer is a smile and a nod and a hug from afar.
I don’t know much about adoption, other than what I’ve read and heard from others, but it sounds like you and Maddie are doing what feels right to you both.