It’s unclear to me what happens when I try to explain this dance I’m doing in reuniting with the daughter I placed for adoption 21 years ago. The most common joke I make about it (thus, deflecting any real and true feelings) is that there is no book written about it, so how can I navigate these waters without the collective wisdom of writers who’ve done this before me? The most common response to that joke is, “When are you going to write it?”
I have more questions than answers. How do I talk about this with people or even broach the subject? It has occurred to me that I might want to let my children’s teachers know and then I wonder if the best statement begins with, “So, we have some really strange stuff going on in our family…” except I have the same educational background as they do and there’s simply no preparation for it. How could they be? I wasn’t trained for this. No amount of education can prepare you for it.
The weirdest interaction I have with acquaintances occurs when I begin to tell them about it and they tell me they’ve “already heard something about it” or read about it here on my blog. Yet, they haven’t reached out in other ways and perhaps it’s due to wondering what the hell to say about it. Not that I would take every one up on the offer anyway. You see, being vulnerable passes through a range of emotions. Some days I want to be left alone about it because language can’t possibly describe it and other days I wonder why it’s taboo and unfit for conversation. It’s best to describe most days like this: It’s like every cliche of a small town ever uttered: Everyone talks about your business to everyone else but you.
The waves, they come and go. No bracing for it. It just heads your way and pummels you. Other times it cascades over your body like a warm blanket. There’s really no advice I can even offer the readers who are coming here from adoptive websites (y’all blew up my site a few weeks ago, but welcome!) or the constant communication I’m in with those with questions. My children continue to have the questions as they, too, navigate this. They know, especially Mallory, that I need to write about it. “Please write” she’s told me more than once. Still, the writing I want to do is stuck somewhere in limbo not wanting to come out and driving me a tad bit crazy. Crazy enough to put the milk in the cabinet and not the fridge kind of way.
So help me put the milk where it belongs, won’t you?
Ask the questions you have been wanting to ask and I will try to answer them. If I can’t then I’ll just say that! But maybe the regular writing will come back and maybe the curious will be able to actually offer me an answer in the asking of the question and maybe I will fix a cheese plate to go with my wine and just call it a night.
What do you want to know?
November 24, 2008 @ 6:02 am | Filed under Reuniting | Permalink | Comments (52)
Miss Britt Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 6:47 am
Are your kids upset that you hadn’t told them about this before now?
I think that would be the hardest part for me – because my mom and I are so close (I imagine like you and Mallory).
And…
are you OK?
dawn Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 7:28 am
As an adoptive parent–sadly my children will never know their birth mothers (they are adopted from Ethiopia)–what did it mean to you to have the adoption option? What was the most important factor in your decision to place her for adoption? What do you have to say to other adoptive children about finding/searching for their birthmother/parents? I often struggle with how to explain to my children why their birth mothers felt adoption was their best option.
That’s a lot to talk about…
I think about you often Kelly and hope you are doing alright. How are you coping?
Raquita Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 7:30 am
Has your adopted daughter voiced any feeling of resentment that she wasn’t “chosen” by you? Although for all intesive purposes she was chosen by you – I’m not so sure my question is coming out right..
You have more light and beauty and wonder in your spirt than anybody I have had the honor of meeting via this great big ole innernet.. How did you come to peach (um typo) peace with this decision? I can’t imagine it was easy…
I left the typo cause I loves ya..
Raquita Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 7:31 am
i.e both the deicsion to grant her adoption and 2nd to start this process of knowing her..
PunditMom Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 7:32 am
All parts of this are hard. PunditGirl was adopted from China, so we don’t even have the option of any sort of reunion or even getting information for her, since most children who end up in orphanages there have no identifying info.
I know PunditGirl would give anything to meet her bio mom.
Sandy Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 7:36 am
Do you have any unresolved guilt or anxiety about having placed your daughter up for adoption? Does she look at your wonderful family (and I assume they are wonderful just based on the stuff you write in your blog) and feel cheated?
Avitable Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 7:50 am
I think I already asked about a threesome before, and you never answered me then.
veep veep Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 8:36 am
As a chicky who was adopted then after spending time with her birth mother, decided to run for the hills… and thank heavens she wasn’t raised by her birth mother….
How has your daughter responded to you being back in her life? Sounds like she’s happy. Are your other children taking time to get to know her?
Betsy Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 9:56 am
How is Maddie doing? Keeping Mallory, giving her up….I would think that would be a lot to deal with. I know Mallory was super young, but were there any photos of you pregnant the second time that you had to explain away? Did your husband know?
I can’t imagine the agony 21 years ago, and the bittersweet time you are going through right now. Thanksgiving is almost here- you have much to be thankful for. Use the time off wisely- take care of yourself and your family. Let them take care of you, too.
Sally T. Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 9:58 am
Where do you wanta be in 5 years with your relationships with your kids? (yeah, I know, if you knew that answer, you wouldn’t be pulling out your lovely hair.) How are you coping & if you had an extra hour in the day, how would you spend it? If you were watching somebody go through what you’re going through, what would you say to her? What do you want to hear from the people who love you, & the people (like most of us) who just kinda know you but believe in you? What DON’T you wanta hear?
(And yes, I think you have to write the book, whether you wanta hear that or not. The Great One has dropped it into your lap, honey. It might drive you crazy, but it could bring you peace in the long run.)
wifey615 Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 10:02 am
Mysister was placed for adoption by my teenage mother 40 years ago. About16 years ago she sought her out…thru me at first. I offered her no assistance but told her I would bring it up to Mom and feel her out and if she was interested, I’d put them in contact. I did and mom didn’t take the bait. Anyway, she has been nothing but trouble (drama should have been her middle name, not Marie) since she arrived.
That said, do you feel guilty for giving her up? I am sure it was the right decision based on your situation, just like Mom’s, but did the guilt come back when she did? Also, if you do feel a little guilt, how are you dealing with it? Have you set up boundries between the 2 of you? If so, how? How are your other children dealing? Have they set up boundries with her? If so, how? I would assume that the “new” daughter has a bit of jealousy brewing…how are you and your other children dealing with it?
Since you didn’t say you wouldn’t give advice, I’m asking for it
If you can’t already guess, I have real issues with my “new” sister. When she first arrived on the scene she tried to make everyone in my family feel massive amounts of guilt. We tried to reassure and comfort her as best we could, however the laying on of guilt has continued. Since I have gotten to know her, I don’t want anything to do with this “new” daughter but try to remain “friendly” for the sake of my mother. This is wearing me out. How can I best preserve my relationship with my mother…without this other. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but am to the point of saying “i don’t like her and don’t want to hear anything else about her!” My mother is not dealing with the guilt the “new” daughter brings…even after 16 years. What advice would you give your own children in dealing with the “new” daughter that they didn’t want a relationship with?
I apologize for this being so long…
SBarnacle Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 10:03 am
What are your fantasies about who your daughter is to you and who you are to her? What can you do to acknowledge and talk about those – is that even possible? Have you gone shoe shopping together yet?
What is like to be such a warm, caring and authentic person?
inthefastlane Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 10:20 am
I don’t really have any questions that haven’t been asked…I can just imagine that this is hard for the whole family to come to terms with their feelings.
Adrienne Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 10:23 am
All of the above.
I see myself in the not too distant future dealing with this same situation and have many a sleepless night thinking of how, when , and how will my kids react. that is the biggest.
JessicaAPISS Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 10:57 am
I believe putting one’s child up for adoption in this day and age (and in the day and age of 21 years ago) is one of the most beautiful and selfless things a woman can do.
Have you received this reaction of gratitude and admiration from your family and friends? Have you allowed yourself to feel strong and proud for making such an awesomely loving decision?
xo
Fiona Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 11:12 am
Just wanted to let you know that you are on my mind often, and I wish for you peace and strength… and lovely shoes.
I would second the question… what would be helpful to you? What words would provide a smile / assistance / etc.
You are a stunningly strong woman… and I agree with Mallory… you need to keep writing… even as the words wont come… keep writing.
V's Herbie Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 11:23 am
Do you have a relationship with Maddie’s adoptive parents? Do you want one?
Big Mike In Oz Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 2:43 pm
I was the oldest of 3 children until I was about 17 when I was told I was the 2nd of 4; the eldest coming 2 years before the wedding. That discussion was a precursor to future news that the mystery eldest child was (found and) coming to visit.
Mum didn’t tell us about it when she started searching because there was no need to put that kind of stress out in the open for a maybe, but when she found my sister and had traded a couple of letters she decided to talk about it rather than have us come home from school to a stranger on the lounge.
My mother named the first baby Karen and gave her up immediately for adoption but for some reason she wasn’t placed until she was over 6 months old. Because of this she kept the name Karen despite her adoptive parents having chosen Jade as a girls name. When she turned 18 she legally changed her name to Jade.
When this all rolled out I had very few questions. Maybe the disclosure was presented carefully and comprehensively, maybe because I was brought up in a particular way, or because I just had an even temperament. The explanation of the adoption – pregnancy out of wedlock in the early ’60s – was reasonable and acceptable and enough. For me.
The fact that my perfect mother had sex before marriage was more of an issue for me than any new family member ever could be. The keeper of the rules, the household judge, jury and executioner was tarnished. It made many of her future actions and her tolerance of some shortcomings in us kids far easier to understand.
My middle sister (of the original 3) was already a classic middle child and the fact that she now wasn’t even unique in her middleness multiplied the resentment to a horrible level. She refuses to use Jade’s new name, actively avoids family events and spits the name Karen with venom when she must use it.
But we’re still a family. If we weren’t messed up we wouldn’t be normal.
mommymae Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
how are you and what, if anything, do you need, lovely?
anji Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 3:55 pm
It’s funny, I don’t have any questions. This kind of thing just seems normal for me I guess… my family has done it, First Nations (Aboriginal, Indian, whatever you want to call us!) have always practised adoptions in our culture and this kind of thing, is completely normal.
Not sure if that helps you at all….
Jeankfl Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 4:29 pm
Most of the questions have been asked. I just want to say that I think mothers that give up a child because it’s best are the most underappreciated people in the world. About 1/2 of our extended family is adopted! So I know it can work out best! Only one has a relationship with her biological father..and it’s good. I truly hurt for you going through all this.. How are ALL the kids handling it? And how are Maddie’s parents handling it?
Most of all, how are YOU?
hugs and love,
Jean
Beth Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
What kind of wine will you be having with your cheese? I suggest something red and full-bodied with a nice bite on it.
That’s all I’ve got. You’ll make your peace with your words when the time is right. And when it is? I’m here.
Meriily Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 4:41 pm
Hey – just wanted to let you know I am here. I reunited with my birth son 9 or 10 years ago – he moved to my city and we see him at least once a week. I have 6-1/2 year old twins so they have always known their big brother. Bryan and I constantly talked the first several years about having nothing to measure this against or compare it to, so we quit trying. we realized we were carving our own road. I have 4 or 5 posts on my blog about it. My thoughts are with you.
Merrily Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 4:42 pm
spelled my ‘name’ wrong
Merrily Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 4:43 pm
ummm sorry not linking
erica Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 6:33 pm
You opened it up, didn’t you? Wow, woman, that’s some courage to hear the questions and (I think you are) attempting to answer them. My curiosity would be geared toward a general chronicling of the process as you go through it from your POV, as I imagine expectations/wants/feelings shift by the day and by the person involved in the process. But you know? I’m hear to listen, rather than question. Now get me to a bar in Big City near you, and questions may flow … love you, girl.
Maddie Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 7:04 pm
My birth mother, Kelly, placed me for adoption when I was born. I am the second oldest of her four children and was the only one given up. This causes much confusion for people when I tell them this story. “Why are you the only one she gave up?” and “Aren’t you upset that she didn’t keep you?”
Truth be told, it’s a bit annoying when people ask me this. Kelly did want to keep me. She loved me then as much as she loves me now. I know this, not just in my heart, but from her as well. She was sixteen years old when I was born, a sixteen year old mother to a one year old child. She could not possibly have handled the task of graduating high school and raising two small children. I’m twenty-one years old right now and can’t for the life of me keep my houseplants alive; Lord only knows what I would do with a baby.
Kelly did what was best for everyone. I should probably thank her every day for giving me the life I have now. I don’t thank her often enough.
I never blamed her for giving me up. I never questioned her. I never had to and I never will.
Thank you
I love you,
Maddie
Yolanda Said,
November 24, 2008 @ 10:57 pm
After what Maddie has written, I’m not certain anything more needs to be said. My questions are not voyeuristic, merely ones I pose that I hope can help you come to the page: What do you want to be acknowledged and celebrated for (then or now)? What do you want to be forgiven for? What do you want to forgive yourself for? What fears has this rekindled? What new fears have been introduced? What has been easier than you expected? What has been harder? In what ways has your heart been hurt in this process? In what ways has it been healed?
Meg Evans Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 6:38 am
Damn! When I first read this post yesterday, I was so moved by your bravery–to open this part of your life to strangers, and then to take questions! And the more comments I read, the less important and urgent any questions I could have seemed. And then I read Maddie’s comment…and I’m about to choke on the lump in my throat. DNA is amazing…
I send you prayers to all of you–for anything to help smooth over the rough and raw patches. Keep writing–that earlier commenter was right–this has been placed in your lap by the Great One. Use the gifts He gave you.
Kristin Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 6:54 am
Wow… just read Maddie’s comment… & she has blown me away… hugs to all of you… I think you are all going to be just fine.
xx
ChicagoDave Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 9:37 am
Maddie you are a gift. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Kelly, the apple does not fall far from the tree. Thank you to both of you. Happy Thanksgiving. CD
lovebabz Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 10:13 am
((HUGS))
No questions. Someday my kids will seek out their birth families. I am not so sure they will find anyone at all like you. So I am watching from the fence up on the hill.
deannie Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
Wow, Maddie, you are an amazing young woman. When are you writing a book with your Mom?!?
Hugs to you both
chernin's shoes Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 4:27 pm
For me, not for you, but for me, maybe I would not want to pursue the depth of relationship you are, I would feel a sense of guilt towards the parents that raised the adopted child, how do they feel? Don’t get me wrong, keep dancing your dance, you are entitled, but I don’t think I would even know the moves and might have to sit a dance like this one out.
You know?
BotchedExperiment Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
Did you consider having an abortion?
Tricia Said,
November 25, 2008 @ 11:28 pm
When do you sleep? What do you dream about?
Sometimes, when I am near the ocean, the continuous and repetitive sound of the waves crashing starts to bug me. I just want them to stop- just for a little while.
Are you exhausted from the emotional waves?
Maddie- have you always known your heritage? By your picture, I wonder?
Raquita Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 7:54 am
Well Maddy answered my first question.. the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree no matter what. That in itself is comforting to me.
Ellen Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 12:48 pm
Talk about giving thanks. I think you and Maddie are overflowing with it this holiday.
kc Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 2:53 pm
Dear mocha momma, you are very brave. i was adopted at 6 months, the 2nd of 4 children to my bio mom. i met her once and it was not a very pleasant expeience but i can say i am still glad i got to see what she looks like. i just had absolutely no feelings toward her which to me, seemed very strange. she was very disconnected and did not really want to talk too much. she blamed everything on my alleged father who is now dead. i don’t really think her husband was my father and when i confronted her about that she denied it. it really does not matter to me now, i know my mother who raised my is the one who established my “mothering” for me and that is all that matters. i feel sad sometimes it was not an “oprah” experience but it is ok. take care, maddie is a special woman. kc
kc Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 2:57 pm
wow my whole name came up i guess it is ok. maybe can you delete my comment after reading it? kc
Mocha Momma Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 4:03 pm
Hello lovers!
I decided to call you all that because you have this uncanny ability to see between the words and lines and still reach out to offer comfort. Guess what? I feel them! I know them! So, you are all loving people to me (except that one jerk up there, and this time it’s not Avitable so I guess that’s saying something – KIDDING).
My sense of humor is still intact.
kc, I changed your name to your initials because your comment was still very helpful. I hope that’s ok.
As I sit to write answers to these questions I’m also inundated with private ones that come to my email and I’m patiently sitting in my breakfast nook trying to answer them with care, too.
More answers to come. More things to be thankful for.
Much love,
Mocha
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 8:44 pm
No questions really, just a comment. My friend Pratchett and his girlfriend/fiancee adopted a baby this month. His girlfriend has been trying to adopt for years and gone through every kind of drama and broken promise that you can imagine…only to have an adoption agency finally contact them. The birth mom’s a teenager who’s left her name with the agency so that her daughter could contact her when she’s of age…I couldn’t help but think of you when they told me that. They’re just so happy, Mocha – I can’t even tell you. And you did that for someone else, once upon a time. What else is there to say?
Oh, except this: I’ve never been exactly in your shoes but I’ve been the focus of gossips before and it’s an uncomfortable, invasive and corrosive thing because you feel so powerless, paranoid, and pissed (the 3 P’s!). But the spotlight does move on with time and then things will get easier. Promise. It just sucks that you have to deal with that AND everything else. You’d think one OR the other would be quite enough, right?
Hang in there, babe.
Dana Said,
November 26, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
I just want to hug you. Will that be okay? Can we just close our eyes and hug each other virtually? I think that’s what you need right now. Hugs. The rest will work itself out.
CatrinkaS Said,
November 28, 2008 @ 8:41 pm
My father – 36, married to my mother for 10 years, ‘responsible’ wage earner, and father to four children – abandoned all of us when I was an infant. He did so completely, and with malice. My mother was not supported financially and he had no contact with us.
I never knew him. My mother raised us all. I filled in what I imagined I ‘missed out on.’ Then, when in my thirties – about the age he was when he left – I met him. It was hollow, weird, empty, and some version of polite.
I cannot imagine the person that he is having any shade of the conflict you describe. And I can’t imagine the relief I would have felt if he had responded with conflicted emotions – or any.
That you are doing so much to reach out, to embrace, to absorb – and that you are struggling so with your conscience – says everything about what you offer and about who you are. Your parting was FOR Maddie – and not for you , not against her. That makes all the difference in the world. You are here, she has the chance to be more whole. The details are bound to be complicated, but there is time.
Cazza Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 12:34 am
The way you have written your post already says alot of how you feel. In its time all will be well. The love that you bring and the restoration promise to come is what should be focused on.
Thank God that there is hope, nothing is lost but growth with wisdom.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights in your relationship with your daughter. Cheers to Maddie for seeing that her relationship with you is worth more than any past experiences but a learning curve that will pave a way for an even stronger bond together.
BOSSY Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 7:07 am
The questions all seem to be here already, but just wanted you to know Sister Bossy is with you (and yours.)
Spring Said,
November 29, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
De-lurking to say I would have loved to meet my newest daughter’s birthmother, who unfortunately passed away five years before I met my daughter. Have you met the adoptive mom? Do you have any sense that the adoptive mom is glad you’re there?
I find you incredibly brave and remarkably generous in your willingness to share this with us. Sincere and profound thanks.
Ms. Bar B Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 2:20 pm
I have no questions, just well wishes. I hope that the journey gets a bit easier as time passes.
Mocha Momma » Not To Put Too Fine A Point On It, Part I Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 7:05 pm
[...] is on my side right now and know, nay believe, that they will all magically come back to see their questions answered. (Good karma DID come to me yesterday when I mentioned to someone on their blog how talented they [...]
Rita Arens Said,
December 10, 2008 @ 3:52 pm
How did you get so brave, and can you sell me some of your mojo?
Kinda Sad Momma Said,
September 28, 2009 @ 10:20 pm
Not sure you are still maintaining this blog…but was looking for this topic…I am trying to reconnect with my son who I gave up for adoption at birth but his father obtained custody after, when he was 15mos. old. I was notified by mail and living in another state by that time. His father and I’s relationship was totally deteriorated and after about a year and half, I no longer knew where they were living. Dad got married and his wife has always been “mom” to my son. Three yrs ago, I recieved paperwork from the courts and talked to “mom” about communicating. She agreed I could send letters addressed to her and she would read them with him & discuss. He was 13 at that time. I began writing every month and after four months, she wrote me an email to say I was totally out of line and it was way too much for him to handle emotionally. I needed to back off and give him time to let it sink in. I found out this year that was a lie and she never gave him any of the letters. Now my son lives alone with his father. Mom left the household about three years ago and lives in another state. Dad now needs financial help so he filed for child support this year. I now pay support and have began trying to communicate with my son through text messaging since late August. He has admitted he is not excited about talking to me and barely responds to my messages, other times he does not respond at all. It is crushing me as I am not sure exactly what he is being told or how he really feels. Which he may not share anyway, since he is a 16 year old boy. I have decided to go to try meet him next month and attend a few of his soccer games. Even if he will not talk to me, I will go and watch him play and try to let him know I do want to be here for him now. I can’t make up for all the lost time, but I need some ideas on how to reach out, connect, show him that I truly care and love him. I sent him a letter recently, telling him all of these things and how sorry I am, and his response to my letter was, “it was what I expected.” Now it may be that mom is advising him against me or it may be that he is very angry with me…but any thoughts or advice would be most appreciated..!!
Mocha Momma » Your Chance To Be Ann Landers Said,
October 12, 2009 @ 9:52 pm
[...] has netted me lots of comments and e-mails and responses. Two weeks ago I got this comment on an older post of mine that actually threw me for a loop: Not sure you are still maintaining this blog…but was looking [...]