If I were a better blogger I would link everyone who is mentioned below. But I’m going to go with the fact that good karma is on my side right now and know, nay believe, that they will all magically come back to see their questions answered. (Good karma DID come to me yesterday when I mentioned to someone on their blog how talented they were at knitting a pair of fingerless gloves and then she just up and offered them to me! I hope good karma comes back to her and she gets a sparkly pink tiara. I’m pretty sure she wants one of those.) As much as I wanted to answer them all in one fell swoop, it was a daunting task so I will break this up into a few posts.
Miss Britt
Are your kids upset that you hadn’t told them about this before now?And…
are you OK?
Based on their ages and maturity level some of them already knew and the youngest doesn’t appear to be upset that I had never told him. Mostly, there is regret that we never talked about it at length and that I’d kept silent about it’s affect on me.
In many ways, I’m not ok yet. I’m not ok with the strange phases that seem to come when I’m not ready. Most days it’s one minute at a time because taking an entire day prevents me from an even balance.
Dawn
what did it mean to you to have the adoption option? What was the most important factor in your decision to place her for adoption? What do you have to say to other adoptive children about finding/searching for their birthmother/parents?How are you coping?
At the time it appeared to be the only option available because I refused to tell anyone that I was pregnant until the 6 month mark. That seemed to solidify it for me as far as a choice goes. What I was like at 16 and what I’m like now are light years away and I could only hope that searching for a birthparent allows for that growth, but I know it doesn’t always turn out that way. Adoptive children who are adults should really do whatever is required within their own souls to find peace. Not all of them will want to and that was an option I had to consider Maddie could have chosen.
Coping? I wouldn’t say this was always a conscious choice, but my friends seem to know what I need when I need it. A road trip, a phone call, a coffee date, a funny movie, and a lot of classical music seem to be getting me through. When I stop long enough to listen my coping mechanisms are Move Slowly, Think Clearly, Be Kind, and Choose Joy. Great book title, no?
Raquita
Has your adopted daughter voiced any feeling of resentment that she wasn’t “chosen” by you? Although for all intents and purposes she was chosen by you – I’m not so sure my question is coming out right..
Yeah, I’m pretty sure Maddie answered that in her comment from the previous post, and I wish I could express my gratitude to her for saying it for the world to see. Here it is in it’s entirety:
My birth mother, Kelly, placed me for adoption when I was born. I am the second oldest of her four children and was the only one given up. This causes much confusion for people when I tell them this story. “Why are you the only one she gave up?” and “Aren’t you upset that she didn’t keep you?”
Truth be told, it’s a bit annoying when people ask me this. Kelly did want to keep me. She loved me then as much as she loves me now. I know this, not just in my heart, but from her as well. She was sixteen years old when I was born, a sixteen year old mother to a one year old child. She could not possibly have handled the task of graduating high school and raising two small children. I’m twenty-one years old right now and can’t for the life of me keep my houseplants alive; Lord only knows what I would do with a baby.
Kelly did what was best for everyone. I should probably thank her every day for giving me the life I have now. I don’t thank her often enough.
I never blamed her for giving me up. I never questioned her. I never had to and I never will.
Thank you
I love you,
Maddie
Sandy
Do you have any unresolved guilt or anxiety about having placed your daughter up for adoption? Does she look at your wonderful family (and I assume they are wonderful just based on the stuff you write in your blog) and feel cheated?
There is no unresolved guilt, though I know some people keep suggesting to me that I have some. The anxiety is in the unknown and she shares more with me about how she grew up each time we speak. In the best possible way she said, “If I’d grown up in this family I would be exponentially weirder than I am now.” If I had to guess what she likes most is our ability to laugh and have fun. Whether she feels cheated or not is a question for her. Her wonderfulness fits in well with the wonderfulness of her siblings and that makes me feel wonderful.
Avitable
I think I already asked about a threesome before, and you never answered me then.
I think part of my own wonderfulness lies in keeping people like you around whom I can roll my eyes at and have a good laugh. I’ll bet you get that a lot, Avitable, you freak of nature you.
Veep Veep
How has your daughter responded to you being back in her life? Sounds like she’s happy. Are your other children taking time to get to know her?
She “responds” by being herself, sharing herself, and having lots of communication with all of us including my sisters and their children, my parents, and I finally have something nice to say about Facebook.
Betsy
How is Maddie doing? Keeping Mallory, giving her up….I would think that would be a lot to deal with. I know Mallory was super young, but were there any photos of you pregnant the second time that you had to explain away? Did your husband know?
Maddie is pretty darn amazing and sweet natured. Her curiosity is refreshing and we find that we’re telling stories over and over. They become her stories and she gets to share them as her own. There were photos up to a certain point, but not when I was Super Extra Large pregnant. Some of them I have to point out when I show Maddie. “See right there? I was cooking you then.” and “You came to one of my proms with me. See that bump? That was you.” After Maddie was born her birth father and I stayed together for a few more years and I vowed that whatever guy I was going to meet would have to know right away so I wouldn’t have to explain exactly what’s going on right now as a, “Oh, by the way…” Keeping that from my partner was never an option I afforded myself.
Sally T
Where do you want to be in 5 years with your relationships with your kids? (yeah, I know, if you knew that answer, you wouldn’t be pulling out your lovely hair.) How are you coping & if you had an extra hour in the day, how would you spend it? If you were watching somebody go through what you’re going through, what would you say to her? What do you want to hear from the people who love you, & the people (like most of us) who just kinda know you but believe in you? What DON’T you wanta hear?
I think it’s safe to say that I just want to be in loving, healthy relationships with them 5 years from now. Sadly, any extra hours I get in a day are spent sleeping, but that’s part of my own Healthy Plan. Sleep is like sweet sweet music to me and I value it. If I ever met another person going through this I would first have to get over the shock of it which is to say that I feel, most days, like I’m the Only Person In The World dealing with this. That’s my own teenage angst coming back to haunt me.
What I Want To Hear: You’re doing great; That’s very wise of you; How can you learn from this?; You already know the right answers; Everything will work out and you are blessed to have grown your family; You are growing a lot from this experience; Hi, I’m a producer from a (insert big, reputable news media) and we’d like to feature you on a story of adoption reunions; Tell me what you’re learning from all this; You have a lot of love to give.
What I Don’t Want To Hear: You’re doing something very wrong here; Don’t you feel guilty?
November 30, 2008 @ 7:05 pm | Filed under Reuniting | Permalink | Comments (28)
Redneck Mommy Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 7:18 pm
Your grace continues to inspire me, Kelly.
Your beauty continues to annoy me. Dammit. I want to be as purdee as you.
Smooches.
Maria Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 7:34 pm
I’m just fascinated by this. And by Maddie. I think it’s beautiful that you two have reunited, and says so much about her that she never harbored any resentment towards you and recognized that you did what was best. I wish I’d been able to be so cognizant regarding my own mother.
And you, you already know I think you’re the bee’s knees. Even more so after reading this series. And damn you make beautiful kids. I think I forgot to say that last time.
Mr. Noodle Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 7:54 pm
I may have a differing opinion than most…
I know you went through 22 years of angst and anxiety over Maddie, but, now, it’s sort of like you had your cake and can eat it too.
While I have no idea what it must have been like wondering about her, I can only imagine that now, today, it must make you feel pretty good knowing that all’s well that ends well.
Making quality decisions at such a young age only speaks for your underlying wisdom and knowledge.
Mr. Noodle
Renée aka Mekhismom Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 8:37 pm
I truly admire you and am actually envious that Maddie has been able to reunite with you and the rest of your family. My father was a foster child and I know nothing about his birth mother – aside from her being an alcoholic from Washington, DC. This leaves a huge void in my medical history – thankfully I have been fine but there are many days when I wish I had access to knowledge about my family.
What a wonderful blessing to have such a positive reunion with your child. Thank you again for sharing this with all of us.
trayday Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
I think when you’ve been baking a cake for 22 years, you should not only be allowed to have a slice, you should be allowed to eat the whole damn thing.
Like, all of it, Fatty McFatpants-style, yo. EAT. All of it.
Avitable Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 8:55 pm
Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be allowed out in the real world.
Rachel Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 9:06 pm
Thanks for sharing this journey with us. I think you are handling this with grace and humor and wisdom. I think it’s so important for birthmothers to tell their stories.
It sounds like the decision you made was the right one for both of you, and I’m glad everything turned out so well.
Dana Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 9:30 pm
I think you have the courage of 10,000 superheroes. I admire you so very much. I don’t know what else to say, other than I heart you. I really, really do.
-hugs-
Angella Said,
November 30, 2008 @ 10:35 pm
I want to apologize for being so late to the party.
If I thought I loved you before, I love you even more now. You amaze me.
Hug and loves to you and (all of) yours.
Lady M Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 12:11 am
You are such an inspiration. Much love to you and your beautiful family!
lovebabz Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 6:32 am
Cheering you on! Buying you a drink(s) in Chicago 09!
Ami Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 8:58 am
This wasn’t exactly on your list of things you wanted to hear, but I just wanted you to know that though I don’t “know” you, I think you’re an amazing woman. You made incredibly strong and wise decisions despite difficult circumstances and a lack of life experience. And now, as you face the (wonderful yet difficult) consequences of those decisions you do it with the same strength and wisdom and I am amazed and in awe.
laurie Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 9:00 am
You are brave and smart and insightful and funny and inspiring and yes, you are “wise” as well. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Spring Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 10:39 am
I continue to be impressed by your bravery and inspired by your candor. You make me want to do better.
P.S. The way you come out and just tell us what you need!!! LOVE THAT!
Amanda Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 10:47 am
I’m pretty new to your blog, and amazed that you’re sharing all of this! Kudos – it’s pretty obvious that you and all of your children are muddling through all of this as best that you can. Thanks for letting us follow along as you figure it out. It sounds like you have a great family
inthefastlane Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
I can’t wait for you to write the book about this.
I also am so very impressed at Maddy’s perspective on the situation and reinforces that you made the best decision you possibly could under the circumstances. I was not nearly as young as you were when you faced this, but I did look down that road and know how hard that must have been and how handing your baby over does not end the story, by any means.
Miss Britt Said,
December 2, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
I can’t for the life of me comprehend what in all of this could be considered “wrong”. Maybe I’m missing something.
I really appreciate you sharing this with us.
Irma Said,
December 2, 2008 @ 1:20 pm
I may have missed this but i have not read about the father, one, does he know now or did he know back then about the pregnancy and two, was there ever any option to let him or his family keep the baby?
Anissa@Hope4Peyton Said,
December 2, 2008 @ 6:10 pm
And I do believe THIS is the reason people looked at me like I just skewered a kitten when I replied “No, I haven’t read Mocha Momma”…where have you been all my life.
I’m an adopted child and I truly hope you and Maddie find balance and understanding each step of the way in building your relationship. It’s amazing.
Assertagirl Said,
December 2, 2008 @ 7:09 pm
What a great way to write about all of this…you’re such an amazing and strong woman and mother.
aly Said,
December 2, 2008 @ 9:45 pm
this is so why i wished you lived in oakland. how can you completely adore someone after only knowing them for a few hours on a business trip? when the person you meet is YOU.
kelly, not only are you a ridiculously kick ass educator, you are a beautiful PERSON. i am so amazed at how strong and unstoppable you are, and how vulnerable you allow yourself to be in this great big interweb. maddie’s comment on your previous blog entry brought me to instant tears. i can’t say that i would be as graceful or level-headed as she is, and i am inspired by her openness and love.
congratulations. i am thrilled for your whole family.
angie Said,
December 3, 2008 @ 6:10 am
God bless you. I’m proud of you.
Beth Said,
December 3, 2008 @ 2:21 pm
While I read your story days ago and wanted to comment on it, I could not find the right words. Today I was thinking about you and Maddie, and I decided that there are no right words just right feelings. Wrong…I don’t think you were wrong. I think you gave Maddie and her parents a wonderful gift, and I bet all adoptive parents feel that way. You made the best decision for everyone at the time, and the most unselfish decision in the world. Now you continue to strive to make the best decisions you can for you whole family (as well as be considerate of all of the other people involved including the internet!) What more could anyone ask for?
White Hot Magik Said,
December 3, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
*Applause*
Mommela Said,
December 6, 2008 @ 2:23 pm
If you’re still taking questions, the one type of question my 7-year old daughter-by-adoption has always wanted to ask her first mom is about her birth process.
Specifically she’s asked:
* what was she doing when she went into labor,
* was her first dad there when she was born,
* did it take a long time,
* what did it feel like to hold brand-new baby her,
* was she happy that she was born or was she sad because she knew her time being the everyday mommy was coming to an end,
* did it hurt,
* did she get medications to make her legs and body fall asleep (epidural),
* how long was she in the hospital,
* was it hard to let her go to her new parents?
And, the kicker that she always wonders: does her first mom miss her?
Mocha Momma » Mitten Strings For God Said,
December 8, 2008 @ 7:08 pm
[...] It was everything I said I wanted to hear. And she said it. Is there a language in this entire world that expresses better what we English speakers say when we utter the words Thank You? My heart is full and my gratitude to her in beyond simple words right now. She knitted mittens out of love of the craft and then freely and generously gifted them to me. Dearest sweet Meg, thank you. [...]
Ryan Kelsey Said,
December 14, 2008 @ 6:18 am
Kelly,
You have always been a leader ever since I have known you. You make choices that are the best for people, even if they are difficult. I don’t know what I can offer you now but my confidence that you always did your best to find a way through whatever came your way.
Mother Theresa said,”I know God doesn’t give me anything that I cannot handle although I sometimes wish he didn’t trust me so much.” You always have my support. If it helps you work things out with your family, I am certainly another resource for you. All I can say is that I was a high-school friend of yours that always prayed things would work out. Although we were confused and scared about the future, your classmates *always* knew you would make the most unselfish decisions under the circumstances. Your decisions and growth inspired me then, and they still do today. It has shaped the way I feel and helped me understand the kind of parent I hope to be.
When I saw you and Mallory right before our 10th reunion, I was thankful that she grew into a person like you. It was obvious to me that she could appreciate the kind of incredible woman her mother is. It is one of those points in your life when you know your hopes and prayers have been answered by someone upstairs.
I think your kids don’t seem like this is that much of an issue for them because they have such a strong sense of the way you care for them and couldn’t imagine you doing anything other than what was best for one of your children.
Kelly, keep up the good work. You have a perspective that is all your own at this point. It is also the experience you bring to your career as an assistant principal that understands your students at a much deeper level.
Your blogging is so good because it is so real. Our writing instructors always told us to, “Write what you know.” It makes everything so much better. This same thing is true for Blues artists–”If you aint lived it, you can’t perform it.”.
Keep your girls blogging and writing. Not only is it healthy, they have to use their gifts. It is another way that we can show them that people care about them. We need more strong women in the world. You have two great candidates that you can call your daughters.
Mocha Momma » Not To Put Too Fine A Point On It, Part II Said,
December 17, 2008 @ 5:54 am
[...] look at that. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated the questions and written a second part to this series. It seems that many of you are either [...]