Ten kinds of people to avoid are:
10. Those who mark each holiday like they’re ticking them off cheerily and dabbing their pen on their tongues. Check! Yay! That was fun. When you’re out and about and you run into them they sound like this:
“Christmas? Oh, Christmas was FANTASTIC! The whole family came in town and we were so B-U-S-Y. Between hand-sewing gold braiding on all 72 of the stockings and making enough rumballs to feed all the friends we visited while we did our caroling through the neighborhood, we were barely able to make it to church where we all had parts in the Nativity Scene. Everyone got what they wanted! We’re taking a trip to Paris in the Spring! Oh, and I made homemade EVERYTHING with hoity toity ingredients and fresh truffles we had specially flown in from the coast and LEMON-RUBBED-FRESH-BASIL-MARINATED-STUFFED-SOMETHING-OR-OTHER.”
9. The friend who wants to make everything all right. There’s no mention of their wrongdoing, they just want to wipe the slate clean. In fact, they really don’t care what they did in the first place.
“You know, I can’t go into 2009 with a clear conscience unless we make up. Can we make up?”
8. Anyone already losing weight.
7. People who want to argue about carrying a gun and somehow tap that logic into “guns save lives”. I just want to shoot them. Except I don’t have a gun.
6. Members of any political party (ok! with ANY PARTY!) affiliated with the Illinois Governor.
5. Wealthy people who are pretending they are suffering horribly in this economy if they have to cancel a ski trip.
4. Celebrities. Always avoid celebrities. Like, daily.
3. Any person who uses “baby daddy” and fails to laugh or giggle or smirk when they say it because they’re dead serious.
2. Those who enjoy cafeteria food. No good can come of a relationship where that is the crux of your beliefs.
1. Me, when I’m in a foul mood since I’ve wanted to take 2008 out behind the school and beat the living daylights out of it for hurling itself so forcefully on me. Or shoot it. Shit! I’m going to join the NRA in ‘09.
December 30, 2008 @ 10:50 pm | Filed under Lessons I'm Learning | Permalink |
Karen Sugarpants Said,
December 30, 2008 @ 11:54 pm
AMEN.
#11 Lady Gaga. How that crap got recorded, shipped, sold and promoted? BEYOND ME.
Lara Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 3:12 am
you know what you need? a hug.
oh, wait, no. that’s not what you need at all. i had you confused with a small child.
what you need is new shoes. and maybe a pound of see’s. but definitely the shoes.
godspeed.
Sandi Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 4:48 am
Ok, you made me laugh out loud at this early ungawdly hour. I have to agree with all of your points!
Frances Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 6:31 am
Principals/Superintendents (bosses) who have read a new book over break and need you to change your approach/lesson plans/life mission to include everything he has highlighted in this new! fabulous! book! Superseding the previous seven life-changing books he has read over breaks. Gah.
Avitable Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 6:45 am
Wait - what about those rectangular cafeteria pizzas? Do they still have those? I used to love those.
furiousball Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 8:35 am
what about people that call everyone in the office McLovin? I think I want to avoid them too
Shash Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 9:20 am
AMEN, sister.
I’m so looking forward to 2009 if only because in July there is a distinct possibility I’ll get to see you again. YAY!!!
Tell Avitable that every Wednesday we have those rectangular pizzas in the school cafeteria if he’s got a hankering. He can have mine, because? EW.
Goober Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
Regarding #6:
As the voters in Illinois know
Probity is a tough row to hoe.
But even we’re awed
By Governor Rod
“Cause for him every quid is pro quo.
Kristin Butler Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
ha ha. i feel EXACTLY the same. i did not bake, make, or sing for anyone. happy new year kelly!!!
Angella Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 3:03 pm
I love that you used the term “junk”. I knew we were friends for a reason.
Love you, babe.
veep veep Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 6:29 pm
Karen, stop I liked her song. Come on… take that back. Take it back before the ball drops. Seriously woman post a comment now before I use all my energy in 2009 to make you knit me a sweater or something else crafty as a way to redeem yourself for that statement.
Kelly, girl I’ve been telling people I want to kick 2008 in the ass for days now. But what if doing that causes 2009 to turn around and kick us in the ass. What if Hanson gets back together… and Rum starts to cost more than gas.. Or my laptop dies… oops.
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 7:49 pm
Wow, you nailed #9. I have one of those coming at me complete with Christmas card that arrived at the same time as a birthday card (And my birthday? Not really anywhere near Christmas.) with independent bookstore gift card bribe inside, and mutual friends telling me I need to forgive him so that I don’t have to “miss any more parties.” I would feel more forgiving if he’d done this 6 months ago instead of giving me every lame excuse under the sun why he really wasn’t to blame for his own screw up (culminating with the explanation that *I* was really to blame for his screw up).
Does it seem some days (months? years?) like you and I and your readers are the only sane people on the planet?
Happy New Years, babe.
BETSY Said,
December 31, 2008 @ 8:57 pm
What about one-uppers? I cannot stand being around the one-uppers. Ugh.
angie Said,
January 1, 2009 @ 9:43 am
um, are you ok? I hope you have a better year this year. And some rest before heading back to the old grind. God bless you.
jaKKI Said,
January 1, 2009 @ 12:07 pm
#8 #8 annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd #8…
I so dislike when I’m shoveling food in my mouth and someone says ‘I’ve done reeeeeeaallly good during the holidays!!! I’ve havent gained a pound!!”’ blink blink as she stares at my huge bowl of gumbo….
bite me
Kris Said,
January 1, 2009 @ 3:36 pm
Oh..I couldn’t agree with you more!
and I agree with another person that commented..it’s time to go shoe shopping. or purse shopping. oh what the heck…let’s buy one of each.
mommymae Said,
January 1, 2009 @ 8:11 pm
about #8. i deserve it…baby girl is sucking milk from my breast all. night. long.
BotchedExperiment Said,
January 1, 2009 @ 8:49 pm
I used to work at a tiny, rural/distant suburban hospital that employed 4 women in their kitchen. The ‘new girl’ among them had been working there 30 years, and these women could COOK.
The full-meal-deal including pie and icecream that they made there in the kitchen typically cost about $4.00 (and no, that was not in 1976 dollars). As far as I could tell, everthing was made from scratch and the woman who baked everthing (and eventually worked for the hospital for about 50 years!) was a…whatever the equivalent of a green-thumb is for baking. The rolls were amazing, the cakes were spectacular, the pies were the best ever, and she made chocolate chip cookies that were so good that she must have added a little something from the pharmacy.
Imagine my dissapointment when I recently learned that a big company took over the hospital, ran all the ladies out, and hired a food service to run the kitchen.
RE GUNS: My wife gave birth to a baby boy on the 28th and since we live far away from competant medical care, we were staying with my mother-in-law for a few days after the birth. During that time, my mother-in-law’s battery died, and so I went to a national-chain car parts store to get a replacement. I wound up having to go to a different store in hopes of contacting intelligent life. During my conversation with the guy at the first store, I couldn’t decide whether I whished I had a gun to shoot him with, or whether I was glad that I didn’t have a gun becuase I would have undoubtedly shot him and then I my wife would be really mad at me.
Cynthia Samuels Said,
January 2, 2009 @ 9:42 am
Oh my dear. As usual, nobody says it better. There was a year when I was living in LA that Queen Elizabeth called Annus Horribilus. Maybe that fits? BUT it was also so exciting - the election, all the wonderful women we share this space with and, dare us say it - the wonders of your children and mine. So kill me if you wish but as usual my pink glasses are distorting things a bit. OH and I forgot to say: your friendship, too. Pretty damn good, that.
Mocha Dad Said,
January 2, 2009 @ 12:16 pm
Skinny, wealthy baby-daddies with guns are the worst.
lovebabz Said,
January 2, 2009 @ 1:59 pm
LOL! LOL!
I may be a mix of some “THOSE” folks…LOL!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Spring @ forever spring Said,
January 2, 2009 @ 7:36 pm
#4!! Arghh!! Celebrity shmelebrity.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dana Said,
January 3, 2009 @ 12:13 pm
I’m loving this list, and loving Karen’s #11 even more. Although…one of those darn songs I can’t help but dance to. I’m a sucker. Or a victim of marketing.
Happy New Year, Mocha!
Ms. T Said,
January 4, 2009 @ 6:33 am
This list is awesome! I’m avoiding newly divorced girlfriends who suddenly want to take me to the gun range. Anyone else??
Happy New Year, Kelly!
Sunday Linky Love Said,
January 4, 2009 @ 10:32 pm
[...] Mocha Momma reminds us who to avoid in the new year. [...]