Ira Glass had a lot of wonderful things to say at the concert. But concert seems like the wrong word. It was a radio “show” based on some of his favorite stories. He started out on a dark stage and the first words he uttered were, “Now, the first thing you have to understand is that this is radio.” It took some time for him to finally bring up the lights and it was well worth it to see him in action of doing a show with music and audio clips. He had so many witty, insightful things to say that I can’t possibly write them all down, but I took some wisdom from him on several topics:

The Golden Rule – He refuses to put people on the air whom others might end up laughing at. Laughing with is fine, but not laughing at. Simple and yet sort of inspiring to hear from such an important person on a basic tenet to live by. (He didn’t mention leaving prepositions at the end of sentences, but for some reason I cannot help myself tonight.)

The Narrative - The power of the narrative and how stories have that galvanizing power to bring us to understanding just by putting normal events in order. First, this happened. Then, this. Then, this. And then, this. It reminded me about how difficult it has been lately to put events in order and to just simply try to answer questions, but I’m trying to write a story as it’s happening and that’s very scary for me. It’s why I can’t commit to writing about it when it’s so fresh. Then, it occurred to me: I don’t know the ending yet. Is there an end? How does this story conclude? While it’s happening I can’t possibly say that there is a definitive END, but there is a story and I did pledge to myself to try it even if the writing is for myself first. Or maybe just throw caution to the wind and write it.

The Topic Sentence – Ira Glass rightly says this is the death of us and blamed The Topic Sentence for so many people who end up hating writing or storytelling. Sometimes, in the hearing of the tale, readers and listeners decide for themselves what The Point is. Listening to him on the radio, he nails The Point between audio clips and music and often there is more than one point. I agree with him and want to kill The Topic Sentence. Except I just used three of them just now so Ira is going to have to teach me again. Apparently, I didn’t get it yet I almost always claim that being a middle child just brings out that rebellion in me. It’s like he dared me not to use a topic sentence.

On David Sedaris – Sedaris is one of my favorite writers and it has taken this long for me to determine that I’m mostly a non-fiction fan. When I taught English class I was steeped in the fiction world until I realized that as adults many of us end up loving non-fiction. It’s why I like reading blogs. Personal narratives are more interesting than a created world for me. Glass nailed it when he said that Sedaris has a rare ability to be telling a humorous story that takes you right into his world and then he dives to a deeper, more intense level with his writing. Usually, it surprises the reader and all of a sudden you find yourself in this place where he’s reached right into your chest and grabbed hold of your heart.

Speaking of grabbing my heart, I haven’t written about my job in a while and I should because that truth is far greater than any fiction I could be reading. A few incidents:

Mixing Metaphors – A parent called to ask me to pull her son out of class because he’s having a conflict with another student. “We need to nick this in the butt.” What kind of bandage would stop that bleeding?

Getting Out Early For Christmas Break – Many students don’t want to wait for final exams before they begin their vacation. The best reason I was given last week: “You guys have a stupid calendar. You need to know that some people want to go to island vacations sooner so we can be warm.” Umm, screw you and your tropical vacations and deal with the damn calendar.

At Your Service - I’m not a sit-in-my-office-all-day person. Being in the hallways and classrooms and lunch room is a part of my duties so when a student saw me after school she frustratingly yelled, “You’re never where I want you to be! I needed you! You are here FOR ME.” Ok, and a few hundred other kids, but what can I get you, Your Highness?

Phone Etiquette – We have a new Off Site Suspension place so that students aren’t sitting at home and sleeping in late and watching tv all day. Their work is provided for them there and the principal of that place calls to tell me they’ve arrived and clarify directions for assignments (I do the best I can not having been the one to assign it). She put a female student on the phone who got frustrated and hung up on me. The student. Hung. Up. On. Me. When she returned from her suspension she came to my office and asked to use my phone. “Oh, honey. I don’t THINK SO. You don’t know how to act on the phone so there’s no way I’m letting you abuse anyone else on this here telephone.” She stomped out of my office and mumbled an “Ugh! You’re SO MEAN.” and there wasn’t a quick enough filter on my mouth to say, “That’s right, Missy! And you don’t walk on my planet anymore!” It’s ok. I put myself in a time out after that and today she was walking towards me so it was inevitable that we’d probably acknowledge each other.

“Are we talking yet? Or are you still mad at me?” I asked.

“I’m mad. You’re the only one who gives me consequences. I hate that.”

“Oh. So we’re not talking then? Ok. I can live with that.”

“Yeah. I’m not going to talk to you.” She says, clearly TALKING TO ME.

“Don’t tease me. It’s been a nice quiet week without you talking to me.”

Really. She brings out the sarcasm in me so we’ll go on like this until she needs something and she’ll need something eventually. Until then, she’s off my planet. I wouldn’t be like this if she didn’t have hold of my heart in that I really want her to change her behavior. But I do! It’s such a damn curse on me to care this much sometimes. The sarcasm, however, is a gift.

The Winner: Ok, I’ve made you wait long enough for the winner of the dress.I asked a friend of mine to help determine the winner and she doesn’t want me to use her name so she made up an alias: Duchess Elvira. Like I need more goofy ass names in my life. Mostly, she whined that I wouldn’t give HER the dress and I waited for her to all but give me her dress size and mailing address. Look, Duchess Elvira: NO DRESS. Or you won’t be walking on my planet either and I’m kicking folks off left and right so get it together.

Anyway, Duchess Elvira decided that mama’s got moxie should win with this entry:

about four Christmases ago my husband made our annual visit over to my pop’s house on Christmas eve to spend the evening with him and my stepmother. after a while they invited us upstairs, dimmed the lights and they threw a dvd in the player. what i saw made me cry nonstop.

my pop had created an entire little movie that included old and new pictures of me and him, and he also added film footage from when i was about 3, a short (and quite embarrassing) clip of me as a teen rapping with a few of my girlfriends, and video from my college graduation. the background music was the song “butterfly kisses” by bob carlisle. i was absolutely blown away that he did this for me and it’s a gift that i will cherish forever. i’ve shown it to several family members and friends and nobody could get through the entire thing without shedding a tear.

Duchess Elvira wasn’t moved to tears (she’s sort of a hardass that way) the way I was at some of the stories. This one, and many others, were incredible. You people are lovely gift givers! You do it with your heart and so selflessly that I’m hopeful for humanity. Why don’t you just move in my basement since Ira declined my offer and plan all sorts of great gifts for me? Shower me with presents?

Oh. Because that would be selfish of me. Yeah, gotta stop being selfish. Also, my basement is really not “guest room ready” and the spiders would probably turn you off.

So, mama’s got moxie, expect an email from me soon to get your choice of a dress from Shabby Apple!

My Basement – You know what’s been lurking around there for a while that I’d love to give away? A Build-A-Bear from High School Musical. Apparently this is a big hit for the tweeners but I’m not as giddy over it since I’m all High School Musical nearly every damn day, people. Seriously. We don’t sing songs and all that crap. We have students who hang up on us and we banish from our planet.

So! Another contest ensues! And just in time for Christmas!

Rules - Leave a comment on this post with a Topic Sentence serving as your theme. Any topic! I’ll leave it open to you. It can be a funny story or a commentary on what kind of day you’ve had (mine? I’m The Decider, THAT’S WHY) or just a comment on how much you’d like to punch the next person who asks if that holiday weight gain has already begun since those jeans are a little tight.

Mallory and I are attending tonight’s showing of Ira Glass and we’re beside ourselves. This is her Christmas present and the most unselfish thing I decided to do when I purchased the tickets a few weeks ago was invite myself along so that we could cherish Ira in all his chunky-glasses glory together. If you aren’t familiar with Ira Glass then I am only able to say this: he is the Jesus of Cool.

I’m going to hope for a much better time at this auditorium since she and I last attended the symphony (I know! Like grownups! I’m a patron of the arts!) where this enormous, juicy fly continued to harass me until I killed him when he landed on my leg and then he fell to his death right between me and the elderly woman to my right. Part of me was embarrassed that Mallory had laughed at me swatting at something which she says wasn’t there and because it landed smack between the stranger next to me. But then I remembered this old lady was releasing silent, pillowy farts throughout the entirety of the first movement of The Butterfly Lovers Concerto. So, in a way, that old broad kind of deserved the dead fly lying there.

But really, I have nothing against septuagenarians. She just must have had something loaded with fiber before coming to that symphony.

Tonight, I will attempt to get Ira Glass stashed in my clutch purse if he’s willing to be folded up and then I can blog about how he lives in my basement and broadcasts his radio show from there.

Maybe he’ll help me pick a winner for the Shabby Apple dress, too. He’s been looking forward to that all day. I’m just certain of it.

Winner will be announced on Monday!

My mother saves everything.

For instance, when I moved to my own place and had nothing but my clothes and nothing for a kitchen she gave me an antique clay bowl that I have pined for since I was little. When I was in college she asked us girls to tell her what we’d want to have of hers someday and I only listed that.

“You know that bowl you used to make chocolate chip cookies in when we were young? I want that.”

“What else?

“Nothing. Just the bowl. I will dub it The Cookie Bowl.”

Thankfully, she didn’t wait too much longer and gave it to me when I whined about not having anything, not even dishes to eat off of nor a table at which to sit.

This story isn’t about The Cookie Bowl.

When I was 29 my mom lived far away and I was in full-swing of being a mom of young children and working and missing out on the opportunity to glean wisdom from her on a daily basis. We are making up for that right now. I didn’t realize how much she’s been rubbing off on me until a friend pointed out that I quote my mother a lot. Some of her wise old sage sayings are a part of my vernacular. “If you bend over backwards for people, Kelly, eventually you will lose your balance” is probably my favorite and one that actually came out of my mouth today. Even when I uttered those words to a co-worker I knew that I was also saying them for myself because I am emotionally spent on a student lately. It’s not that I’m doing too much for her but that I feel entirely inadequate in supporting her and meeting all the demanding needs I see in her. Truthfully, she’s not doing the demanding. I see a need and so badly want to fill it.

I’m trying to watch over her and I need to reflect on why that is.

At 29 when my mom lived far away she sent me an email that had been going around about children watching the things their parents do without the knowledge of their parents knowing they were being watched. She took it out the other day and showed it to me. As soon as I read it I asked if I could blog it. She, in her infinite wisdom, replied, “Yes, but I have full copyrights.”

Here it is:

Hi, Mom. I made up my own for you…

Your Child Is Watching…

When you though I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of a friend with AIDS and watch him die and you taught me that caring for others is immeasurable in friendship.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you cry when I had a baby, got married, made mistakes, make good choices and you taught me that crying is a happy response to not only failure, but to success.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite food for me and smile when I closed my eyes and sighed, “uummmmm” because it’s important to serve others and the appreciation you get is from their satisfaction.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you say that you were proud of me to your friends and your mother and I learned that you really like me as a person and not just your child.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you kiss daddy passionately and I learned to feel safe and secure as a little girl because my parents loved each other and I felt loved by that.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give up a nice house and cars and struggle on your own when Daddy left and realized that you were a person and not just my mother.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I felt you smooth my clothes and brush my hair with a huge smile on your face because you wanted to do it.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of your grandchildren and you taught me the joy of being a mother again.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your hardships and you taught me that when life knocks you down you get back up again because you are strong enough.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes I hurt you and to be careful of your feelings because you are tender.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared about my making good decisions and allowed me to make mistakes because that’s how we learn.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of what I know about God and how He was there even when you weren’t looking.

My mother has given me tremendously more than that Cookie Bowl.

In the spirit of the holiday season and in the interest of making sure your holiday party is trendy, I’m alerting everyone that after work today, I will be buying a few cocktail dresses.

I’m not being insensitive because of the current economic climate; I’m doing my part to keep the latest trend alive!

I have my media friends to thank for this much needed afternoon of shopping. This certainly explains why I’ve been receiving so many invites when I thought holiday parties were in fact near extinction.

Now don’t panic, there is good news for office managers everywhere. You don’t have to wait until next year to make sure this year’s holiday party is trendy; you can enlist the help of a rental service. You too can have the blacks mingling among your peers, giving your holiday party that Obama-era flava.

And since we all know each other, if you invite one and you ask nicely we may be willing to reach out and see who else will be able to attend. Squeeee! Now if there isn’t an opportunity to have many at your holiday party due to great demand, just try to get one or two to attend that will make a statement. For the love of Anderson Cooper, Nene sure does liven up a party!  But even if Nene doesn’t grace your holiday party, get yourself at least two or three so the weight of the party’s trendiness doesn’t fall on the shoulder of one. Be sure to ask about special recession pricing. And don’t worry if you can’t tell them apart, trust me, they all answer to Heather.

So get your invites in. You can hit me up Twitter style!

—-

This post was written by Victoria in between RSVPs for this week’s events. She’s articulate speaks so well on television, gives fist bumps to people she meets on the street and loves to be asked if she’s happy Barack Obama will be our next president.

There is an adorable book out by Katrina Kenison titled “Mitten Strings For God” that is of particular interest to me lately. It’s wonderfully simplistic in it’s approach to making time for self and for family and cutting out all the hectic activities that make me forget as a mother that my primary job, my paramount calling life is to be a mother. Kenison’s book reminds me of the plainness of the uncomplicated life of a favorite author of mine, Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I mention this book for two reasons: one, it gave me the reminder I needed that family time is quality and must be jealously guarded and two, it serves as a theme for something pure and caring that I thought is of noteworthy mention.

Recently I mentioned that a lovely woman who reads me and whose blog I visited asked if, after I left a comment on this post, I would like to have the pair of gloves I complimented. It’s this kind of stuff that makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside. After eating my weight in cupcakes lately I can, quite frankly, use some roughage in that department. (I almost want to strike through that last part of the sentence lest Google searchers find their way here searching for ways to fix their constipation and the really ornery part of me is going to let that sit.)

Back to the warm and fuzzy.

Meg, said lovely woman, sent them to me and they came in the mail today.

Of course, I had to model them and show that she also found time to knit a matching hat! Amazingly, it fit my enormous noggin!

But the best part, the simple and beautiful morsel upon which I feasted tonight was the card she enclosed in the box she mailed to me.

It was everything I said I wanted to hear. And she said it. Is there a language in this entire world that expresses better what we English speakers say when we utter the words Thank You? My heart is full and my gratitude to her in beyond simple words right now. She knitted mittens out of love of the craft and then freely and generously gifted them to me. Dearest sweet Meg, thank you.

It is in that spirit that I offer up today’s post as a contest to win a free dress from one of my favorite stores, Shabby Apple. If you haven’t visited that site here are a few samplings of some of the dresses over which I salivate (at least it’s not cupcakes!). If you click on the name of the dress in parentheses under each picture it will take you to that dress on the Shabby Apple website.

Seriously. The boots MAKE the outfit. (Rosie The Riveter)

Classy and classic and well decorated with the turquoise chunky beaded necklace. (Nantucket)

To be honest, it was THESE HOT BOOTS that caught my eye but paired with the dress? Raarrrrwww. (Tuxedo)

Don’t cry for me because my booty is amply rewarded in this dress. Cry because of the genius of the lime green shoes paired with it. (Evita)

I would have to wear my hair all wild and curly just like this for this fun, funky party dress. (Beauty Mark)

Contest rules: leave a comment on this post (which I will keep open until Friday) and answer one of the following questions.

a) What is the best gift you have ever received?

or

b) What is the best gift you have ever given?

My trusty elves will help me decide on a winner after I have chosen the best three comments. When you’re done commenting go and kiss someone in your life who needs you today the way I needed Meg’s kindness.

Comments are now closed for this contest.