Dear Former Friend/Prayer Partner/Sunday School classmate:
Would you really have done this had you put any thought into it? Honestly. You haven’t called or visited me in three years. That’s evident because you didn’t know I moved. You only knew that I stopped attending your church. In fact, I’ve moved twice since then and you were none the wiser. I’m finding your behavior reprehensible because the last time you ran into me out in public you “worried about my relationship with the Lord“.
I didn’t realize that Jesus had been checking in with you and updating you on my status. Hmm. I’ll have think better about what I say in my private prayer time and instead just put it up on my Facebook status so that not just you, but everyone can be aware of where I am spiritually.
So, you ran into my son when he decided to visit our former church.
And you didn’t know about my divorce.
Or that I’d moved out.
Or that life, in general and specific, has changed dramatically for me.
Or that I’m still raising children.
That last one, former friend? That’s the one that riles me up.
You asked my teenage son about his parents’ divorce. You upset him. You set him off on a panic attack. You had the nerve to pump him for information and then ask him for my phone number.
That was two weeks ago.
You never called.
You horrid bitch, you. You repulsive human being. You have no idea what you did to my son, do you? You might if you had actually used my number that he gave you to call me. But you didn’t.
Is this really you now? If it is, then consider this your re-introduction to me.
This is the new me.
Ever so sincerely,
Kelly
June 29, 2009 @ 12:52 pm | Filed under I Sent You A Letter, Impulse Control, Lessons I'm Learning | Permalink | Comments (42)
Susanne Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
Feels so good to get things off your chest, doesn’t it? Good for you.
Have a great day.
Lori Hoeck Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 12:59 pm
Sorry your son had to run into the false religion of gossip, bogus concern, and meddling. That triad truly sucks.
Kudos on the boundary setting!
gorillabuns Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 1:01 pm
If anyone could understand this post, it would be me. So sorry and man, people truly suck ass.
Karen Sugarpants Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 1:05 pm
Oh DAMN, she did NOT. Totally unacceptable. Totally. I hope you let her have it.
MommaSunshine Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 1:10 pm
Good for you.
You may have inspired me to write something similar.
I truly hate how some people suck.
CatrinkaS Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 1:21 pm
Oh, sweetie. People suck. Self-righteous, nosey people really suck. Self-righteous, nosey people that use your children not only generally suck… but specifically suck in what I hope is a very small sub-section of the population-way. Blech.
Genuine, heart-felt proselytizing is hard enough to take. But disingenuous? Double-blech.
Fantastically well said, by the way.
Jana Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 1:33 pm
I am sorry your son had to go thru that. That is one reason I have not let my daughter go back to our old church. Afraid of the “nosey do gooders”. Good for you for standing up for your son.
Marcy Webb Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 2:06 pm
I think that, religion or no, people take the heart out of human interactions.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly.
MammaLoves Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 2:18 pm
It’s people like this who give religion a bad name…
I bet she believes she’s going to heaven. Hope she hasn’t packed her bags.
Yourhynis Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 2:22 pm
the nerve of people. someone left me a comment on my blog telling me how i need Christ and that he/she would “pray” for me and that I needed it…
thanks for knowing my life you complete stranger
i have a great distaste for religious zealots. People have no respect for the privacy of others and lack social skills…sorry about your son.
Daisy Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 2:38 pm
So sorry your son had to go through this.
My brother dropped out of our church years ago after the Elders fired me from a youth choir job – a position for which they’d recruited me because no one, no one answered their ad. Somehow, faith and church do not match in my life. I have yet to find the right group of people/ structure/ congregation.
i’m glad you can vent here.
Tiggerlane Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 3:00 pm
You know, these type of people give “Christianity” a bad name. And is another reason I just have trouble worshipping with His followers, b/c at times…they are so insensitive.
I’m upset for you and your son…what a horrible person. And it’s evident that she was just prying…and probably feeling smug.
You are the shizz for telling it like it is.
Mrs Soup Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 3:02 pm
Oh, how horrible!! Some people are just ridiculous.
Arielle Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
That is horrendous. I’m sorry she upset your son. Some people are so judgmental and self-righteous. It is HER loss not keeping in contact with you. YOU are better off for it.
Lori E Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 5:13 pm
The biggest hypocrites I have ever met were ” church” people. Evil incarnate. One of my sons has panic attacks and I understand the distress this must have caused. If it helps him to know tell him some people really do care.
Prim Adanna (Primadanna) Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 5:15 pm
I am sorry that this happened to you and your son. Neither of you deserved this. Know 2 things: 1) That is not representive of real christian behavior (on 2nd thought most of what we see from Christians do not represent real Christ-like behavior).. 2) A true friend would have NEVER behaved in such a way… therefore she is NOT nor has she ever been a true friendof yours (more like an enemy/wolf lurking behind/underneath sheep clothing)… Be like Christ and pray for her so that you may reap coals of fire on her head and shake the dust(which is her) from the bottom of your shoes… Hold your head up high…You have NOTHING to be ashamed of but she surely does!!!!
Mocha Momma Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 5:37 pm
I felt relief just writing this. Then more relief publishing it. Now, I feel even more reading comments.
Thank you SO much. I’m breathing in and out again.
Mandie Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 6:19 pm
O.
M.
G.
Some people never cease to amaze me. How CRUDE and irresponsible to even think to question a child about that topic.
Big Mike In Oz Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 6:57 pm
It’s a sad commentary on the world when a person with so much positive power is driven to these feelings. This is just one more justification for practising my religion in my own way and in my own place. When this “friend” makes contact I’d suggest you just give them the URL of this post and when you’re sure they’ve written it down, unleash a string of expletives and hang up.
mommymae Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 8:06 pm
that was not a very christian thing of her to do, if you ask me. of course, i’m not a christian & you didn’t ask. seriously, though, she was ridiculous cornering your boy like that. give him a huge hug from me & my baby.
Angella Said,
June 29, 2009 @ 8:20 pm
Oh, girl. I’d want to take my Bible and smack her upside the head.
In love, of course. Ahem.
NaysWay Said,
June 30, 2009 @ 7:26 am
I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to church, and this is why. People claiming they love the Lord but mean you no good and just want to get into your business. Phony people hiding behind a cross. Ugh. I totally hear you.
Johann Said,
June 30, 2009 @ 12:41 pm
And everyone wonders why I always say people suck.
You, on the other hand, rock beyond any reasonable expectation of rockdom. I’m a relatively new reader of your blog, but with every post my respect for you grows by leaps and bounds.
Great post, Kelly.
–Johann
Avitable Said,
June 30, 2009 @ 2:39 pm
See? This is why you shouldn’t go to church.
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
June 30, 2009 @ 6:12 pm
I can echo the sentiments of several of your previous commenters: this is why I no longer go to church. People like this, and like my grandmother unfortunately, think that because their butts sit on a pew every Sunday that that alone makes them a good Christian. Yet it seems to me that using religion in order to feel superior to other people is a form of pride, which was a sin the last time I heard.
The hypocrisy of it all is such a shame, isn’t it? Christians complain so much about how this group and that group are destroying religion and the fabric of civilization, blah blah blah. They ought to look closer to home, to people who do crap like what this woman did with your son…people who aren’t good ambassadors for their faith, their country or themselves.
martha in california Said,
June 30, 2009 @ 9:25 pm
I came upon your blog through another. Wow, reading your post helped me vent vicariously. I have one of these people in my life too. She asks MY friends about me but yet the day we saw each other at the mall, not a word to me.
I feel your anger. Hopefully you’ll get the opportunity to let her know how you feel, face-to-face. More power to you!
Dana Said,
July 1, 2009 @ 2:33 am
Ack! What this person did is so distasteful. Appalling.
I’m sorry your son, and you, had to endure this.
Sending hugs to you both.
Assertagirl Said,
July 1, 2009 @ 6:08 am
What an insensitive cow. I hope your son is feeling better now.
People suck.
Mommela Said,
July 1, 2009 @ 11:44 am
I’m sorry you and your son have had to deal with this.
angie Said,
July 1, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
EEk! People can be so horrid. I wonder if she reads your blog. . .
Miss Britt Said,
July 2, 2009 @ 7:20 am
No fucking way.
Wait – can you say fucking on this blog??
grace Said,
July 2, 2009 @ 1:42 pm
The issue Kelly is not you going to church. The issue is the lack of love a former member/so call friend showed you. Self righteous and inmature I would say. To reply to some of the comments to you, no one should keep someone from going to a church, sorry people there is no perfect church down here. That is a poor excuse to say why you don’t go to church. It is one thing to say you don’t want to go or you have no interest, but to use the reason you don’t go is because of people is lame. Nope, you’re fooling only yourself. People like me and you belong in churches so we can remind the haughty who they are.The church, last time I check was made up of sinners, people with all kinds of rubbish in their former and present lives. Your former pew member Kelly seems to have forgotten that she is one! Allow me to send my love and grace to you. I hope your son okay.
“Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”
Donna Said,
July 2, 2009 @ 2:12 pm
I read this a few days ago, and after thinking about it I decided to comment. Your ‘friend’ certainly was wrong, but honestly – its probably a good learning experience for your son. Mean, petty people exist in this world, unfortunately. I am sure that your son has already had to deal with a lot of tough things – I know from my own experience that even the best divorce is hard on the kids. But from what you have written about him – like his experience at camp last summer – he is a wonderful person. He will learn something valuable about how not to treat others from this vile woman, and that is not all bad.
Caffeinated Librarian Said,
July 2, 2009 @ 6:43 pm
Grace, I agree – the point is not whether or not Kelly goes to church, that is HER choice. And a very personal one, one in which I would never try to influence her one way or another. And I don’t think anyone else her was trying to tell her she shouldn’t go to church, we were simply sharing that we had similar experiences and the consequences for us of those experiences.
The truth is that hypocritical people exist everywhere. But when people cloak their self-righteous selves in religion I find them MORE insulting and odious than their non-religious brothern. Part of that is because I take MY faith very seriously. And, as far as I’m concerned, whether or not I go to church has ZERO to do with my faith and my relationship with God. I’m sure He knows where to find me and I talk to Him fairly regularly in my prayers. As I evolve in my faith I may indeed decide to find a church that speaks to me and, who knows, I might actually find one. But I haven’t yet.
And so, coming back to your comment…how can I put this politely? How DARE you?! How dare you judge the people like me as “lame.” By what right do you make that assessment? I would no more tell you, a complete stranger, what you should do with your private religious life than I would fly but here you are feeling free and clear to tell me what I should do while knowing SQUAT about me or my life. How exactly do you justify that to yourself?
Beth Said,
July 3, 2009 @ 10:40 am
I am not going to comment on the religious part of this story because that is between the pew partner and God. But I do want to say that divorce SUCKS! Noisy neighbors deciding they “know” what is best, ex-husbands deciding to discuss “unfairness”custody with a 5 YR OLD (sorry…that one is my ex.) Everything about it is just down right nasty. The worst part to me is that while we adults for the most part “get over it” The kids are the ones that suffer the most. They are pons in someone else’s game. I am sorry for your son and for you as well. I can only say that you will both be stronger for it in the end.
White Hot Magik Said,
July 3, 2009 @ 3:58 pm
Interesting debate that got started there. I am sorry your son went through that. I know I didn’t got to church for a long time because of people like that. Eventually I decided my spiritual growth was more important and found somewhere I can learn at. It is full of dirty nasty sinners just like me. This is a time when a sincere note, phone call to letting you know she cared would have been in order. Pray for her Kelly and really burn her butt….
Mocha Said,
July 3, 2009 @ 4:47 pm
I’m trying to comment from my phone which bites the big one so I’ll keep it short.
Great comments. Really. I feel very supported by my friends and by everyone here. I just don’t want to lose sight of this: these are my reactions to being hurt, to living through divorce, and through the seasonal part of friendships, authentic or not.
And I’m healing. But I’m human. I get to react in anger. No, I don’t think she reads this blog. Yes, someone might point her here. Absolutely, you can say “fuck” here. It’s a really good, appropriate word at times.
Thanks for being a part of that healing.
scoutj Said,
July 5, 2009 @ 11:32 am
WTF is wrong with people? Really. I wish we could sit and have a few drinks and I’d tell you about the friend of 10 years I just completely cut out of my life after finding out ….well I won’t say here. It’s seriously messed up what I’ve found out over the past few months. Like completely mind blowing.
ugh.
I hate people. Well, most people.
SHA Said,
July 5, 2009 @ 7:19 pm
Bitch! Who does that to a child? I’m sorry.
Beth Said,
July 5, 2009 @ 7:25 pm
You don’t know me….I’ve read you off and on for a few years now. This post really got to me.
Why oh WHY must “church people” behave in this manner? I’ve had sort of the same experience with people in my church..that I no longer attend. What gives someone the right to ask about “my walk with the Lord?” YOU DON”T EVEN KNOW ME!!!! It’s this kind of behavior that kept me OUT of church for years……
thanks for letting me vent a little. I’m sorry that your son had to have such an ass ruin his day……give him a big hug.
Tricia Said,
July 5, 2009 @ 9:56 pm
Sucks to be you, former prayer person!
Elizabeth Said,
August 13, 2009 @ 6:14 am
Dear Sister Kelly…I am sorry to hear that you have been hurt. Reading your post reminded me of something so very important…Romans 3:23…For ALL have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. This is why we NEED a savior (Jesus Christ). Even us Christians are going to fail, we are going to sin. God did not give us the ten commandments because He expected us to follow them perfectly. He knew we couldn’t. He gave us those commands because he wanted to remind us that we need a savior. To remind us that although He is perfect and without sin, we never can be, therefore we need to accept that Christ has paid the penalty for us. All this to say that although God wants us Christians to be a part of a fellowship of believers (if we are believers), it really is not about the “religion”. Religion will always fail us, because it involves the sinful hearts of man. Christ and the sacrifice that He made so that we may have eternal life with him….will never fail us. You have gone through a painful divorce, and your children are hurting….but Christ knows and He cares. And, believe it or not, there are many believers out there (myself included), who would love to help you in any way we could, or just be there to listen and pray. Although accepting Christ as our Savior does change our hearts, and our lives, it won’t keep us from ever sinning. This is why Christ died on the cross, to pay the penalty for our sin.
So, I just wanted to encourage you, that although this one church goer has hurt you, and she should have been more Christlike, this is not a statement about Christ, but a statement about the sinful state of man. I’d like to say that I, as a believer would never treat someone that way, and I can’t recall that I have. But, I likely have and didn’t even realize it!
Anyhow, I don’t want to take up too much of your time…I just wanted to say that I am sorry this happened to you, and that there are those of us out there who are true believers (not to say this woman was not, since I don’t know her), and who genuinely care about what you and your children have gone through!
In Christ,
Elizabeth