If I had the title of this post as a bumper sticker I would rock it SO hard.
My mother left for South Dakota two weeks ago to spread my gramma’s ashes on my grandpa’s grave, visit her old farmhouse, and spend some time with her sister. We played phone tag for three days and finally she left me a message that she was fine and that she would be home whenever. Then, she asked me to spread the word to my entire family. She gave me the Facebook status inspiration:
Listen up Family peoples: Grandma isn’t getting cell phone reception because she’s driving through a wormhole (or some such shit) and is fine. She wanted me to call you and tell you personally. I don’t have time for that crap. You people are all on FB all. the friggin. time. Resume normal behavior, my cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs family. The rest of you? I’ll be bringing sexy back tomorrow. AS USUALLY.
And then she wrote this in the comments. Of my blog. This here blog. Of all the internet-y ways she could get ahold of me she chose this.
Hi Hon,
This isn’t really a comment on your blog, although it was, as always, heart-stoppingly wonderful. My *#&%(* phone still isn’t working and I realized that I only had your hotmail (hotmail can suck it!!) email address and I wanted to let you know that all is well, I’m out on bail and making a run for the border because I’m sure they don’t have extradition with Illinois. Thelma, I mean Eileen, and I will probably be home early next week. Or middle next week. Early August at the latest. Maybe November. Staying at my friend’s ranch tonight – 70 miles from anything and quite wonderful. Tell Mallory the flowers she sent were beautiful. I took a picture to show her. Went to the old home place and got so excited taking pictures that I forgot to scatter Mom’s ashes, so I’m still hauling some of her around with me. Maybe she just didn’t want to leave me yet.
Hugs all around,
Mom
She is divine. And she’s all mine. You can’t have her.
July 17, 2009 @ 9:52 am | Filed under But Funny To Me, Freaky Family | Permalink | Comments (21)
KP Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 10:02 am
Wow.
Mighty Hunter Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 11:07 am
Do you rent out your mom? Like, for parties and stuff? Name your price.
Lori E Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 11:38 am
This affirms the saying “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. I don’t think I would win a round with either one of you spitfires.
sizzle Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 1:59 pm
That’s all kinds of awesome. I mean, SHE IS.
jay Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 2:36 pm
Your mom. Like, seriously.
Meg Evans Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 2:58 pm
This whole post kicks ass! And my daughter (she who refuses to wear anything but a f*cking dress) stood over my shoulder reading the title to this post for a full minute before I shooed her away.
Your family is awesome!
Mocha Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 3:59 pm
I’d rent out my mother if she’d actually sit still once in a while but that woman is forever on the go. (Hi, Mom! I love yoooouuuuu!)
KP – I hope that was a good wow. A bad wow can ruin a gal’s day.
Mighty Hunter – It’s your fault I just set up a PayPal account for that very thing.
Lori E – Oh, I’m harmless.
Sizzle – You said it, sister. Someday you shall stay with us? We’d have a fabulous time together.
Jay – You’re making me love her even more. She’d appreciate that.
Meg – Hiiii, Meg’s daughter! (Don’t tell your mom, but I love dresses and I’m sure you look nothing but ADORABLE in one of them.)
Lisa W Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 4:42 pm
I just love your mom. Even when she’s not drinking wine with me.
BOSSY Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 5:10 pm
(Bowing to your mom’s fun brilliance.)
Redneck Mommy Said,
July 17, 2009 @ 8:32 pm
Your mother is killing me.
I want to be JUST LIKE HER when I grow up.
Or you.
I’m not choosy.
JennyMac Said,
July 18, 2009 @ 6:08 am
I loved this! And glad your mom is comment posting savvy…my mom is too however my dad thinks I write a “diary” online and everytime I send him the link he says “I can’t open it” ummm you have to clink on it. And my dad has his PHD. WHAT?
Your mom is sassy and fun. Fabulous.
Cafe Pasadena Said,
July 18, 2009 @ 7:19 am
I can just picture how your looks as she goes through her day!
Occasionally leaving a message on a blog is the way to get a hold
of someone.
JenniferB Said,
July 18, 2009 @ 11:38 am
Awesome — you clearly get your sass from your Mom, which is 100% fabulous!
Sra Said,
July 18, 2009 @ 3:22 pm
What an awesome mom.
angie Said,
July 19, 2009 @ 7:48 am
I see where you get it from! Enjoy your mama, honey.
Shash Said,
July 19, 2009 @ 10:35 am
Your mom sounds like my mom if she was still alive.
So awesome.
Just like you.
landismom Said,
July 19, 2009 @ 2:44 pm
My mom is nowhere near that cool. In fact, rather than renting out your mom, maybe she should give lessons to other moms.
Not that I want my mom reading my blog…or monitoring my Facebook status updates.
But maybe if she hung out with your mom, she’d turn into the kind of mom who I wouldn’t mind doing either of those things…
Haley-O Said,
July 20, 2009 @ 7:21 pm
That is HYSTERICAL! I LOVE HER!
Your Fabulous Mother Said,
July 20, 2009 @ 7:33 pm
I DO so rock, don’t I?!?!? Okay, I’m in Mitchell SD tonight. Heading for Minnesota tomorrow. I tried calling you tonight from the motel, but you did. not. answer!!! I will hopefully be in Illinois where civilization has advanced enough so that I can make a goddamned cell phone call. I can’t believe all the numbers that are stored in my cell phone and which I can’t access and NOT in my address book. Gotta get my (*&^*& together when I get home. Still loving everyone, as usual. Talk to you later.
Mocha Momma Said,
July 20, 2009 @ 7:44 pm
Mother,
This is getting ridiculous. But also kind of funny in an insane sort of way. Do you think we should just start our own blog together where we write letters back and forth and communicate like that?
I took Lola for a walk and left my phone at home. SUE ME. I like to be unplugged for at least a moment, you know? So, here’s what I did. I called the number back and some twit who works the front desk said that no one was there by your name. I even made her yell it out to the lobby. She said no one was there but I was indignant at this point because, hey, it’s not every day I have a phone number from Mitchell, South Dakota on my Missed Calls list.
Sidenote: have you been to the Corn Palace again? I don’t think you need to go again. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, isn’t it? It’s not like Machu Picchu or anything.
I’m not hating on Mitchell. There was a really good diner there last time I schlepped the kids across country to visit Granny. Sorry, Mitchell. I’m sure you’re very nice in the summertime.
Mallory made me clean off the dining room table today and she is NOT my favorite person right now because she was chipper and said things like, “Doesn’t it feel good to get organized, mom!” and it wasn’t really a question either it was just one of those Happy Miss Sunshine Shooting Out Your Ass kinds of comments that makes you want to peel off someone’s face and then wear it around for a day.
This right here is why you need that 3G network everyone is raving about with the new iPhone. Then you could probably make a phone call from, say, anywhere in the United States. It sure does make it convenient when you’re on road trips. Who woulda thunk it?
Ok. This has now reached a lunatic level of me writing to you in the comments of my blog. Try to call again. I’ll sleep with my cell phone this time just to make you happy.
Love,
Your Fabulous Daughter
Practical Mommy Said,
July 28, 2009 @ 2:53 pm
OMG! I love my mom and all… but I will concede. Your mom does kick some serious ass. I don’t wish my mom were more like her… I wish I WERE more like her!
Your blog is becoming this weird Griffin and Sabine thing with Mocha Momma’s Momma!
Thanks for keeping it real, ladies!
hugs,
Ria