SUPER RE-TARDO
Growing up, we weren’t allowed to say the word “retard” or even “shut up”. Repressive Catholic parenting did that to me but we also never talked about sex and we all know where that lead. In any case, the other day I was at the store and these two brothers were fighting and arguing and punching each other in the side of the head and one of them called the other a “Super Retardo” and then the mom laughed and stopped scolding them and they pretended to wear capes and become some strange sort of super hero and then I laughed along with them and the mom gave me this warm smile that said, “Aren’t they cute? And don’t you kind of want to take them home with YOU instead so that I don’t have to wonder about what kind of missile range it would take to pick them off from afar?”
At least that’s how I interpreted it. In my own superheroiness (Jaysus! That’s not a word AT ALL and my English Lit. degree betrays me more and more!) this week I’ve made some observations:
1. I had to kill a mouse with my bare hands. By “bare hands” I mean wearing gloves and putting it in a plastic bag and slamming it on the ground to put it out of its misery. This was enough scarring to my soul that I went and put a ten dollar bill in a jar that I use for therapy.
2. The guy at the front desk at my work sounds just like Matthew McConaughey every time he answers the phone. It’s bizarre and wildly entertaining to call him to for ridiculous things like, “Did I leave my pen at your desk?” or “Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward or Team Shirtless?” You know who else does a mean impersonation of Matthew McConaughey? Matt Damon.
3. My Christmas shopping was finished in two days. I’m online-shopper-ninja-like that way. But I did have to go to Target for some things and realized that I couldn’t pay my $300 bill because I hit my limit for debit that day so I left the store, went to the bank to get cash, and returned where I decided to park right in front of the store because, yes, sometimes I am that jerk and I had my limit with stupid people that day anyway. It’s possible and even probable that I stuck out my tongue at a few drivers when I did it, too. Yes. Totally probable. Also probable: excessive use of the eff word.
4. You know what doesn’t get old? Ross the Intern. Who is no longer Ross the Fat Intern, but Ross the Skinny Guy With His Own Show. Also? This doesn’t get old. It’s my favorite video of him. All day now I’ll be saying, “Pineapple! Pineapple! I’m not kidding!”
5. My Christmas present wrapping is the shit. No lie. So long as you don’t worry about how crooked the lines are underneath all that stuff. The more bows on a present the more I am trying to distract you from my wrapping skills.
BONUS: There is a Christmas song on the radio that uses the words “baby momma” in it. If there were a Super Re-Tardo award I would bestow it on that idiot. CHRIST, PEOPLE. Ok, so admittedly, Joseph had a baby momma but it came after the birth of Jesus. You know why he weeps? He weeps for horrid Christmas songs that glorify the ghetto, folks.
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Wow What A way with word to bad people can’t express te way they really feel
I feel so old and lame having to google Ross the Intern just to understand where you’re coming from. But I like a blogger that stretches me. You are the bomb for what you did to that mouse! OMG. I shudder to think about it. I jump out of my skin when I go in the garage and hear snow fall off the car, thinking it might be a critter instead. I’m with you on the wrapping skilz. Is it possible to regress in that area? I totally have.
Have a wonderful Christmas, and get some rest!
My wrapping skillz bite serious ass. I’m lazy enough to pawn most of them off on my kids One year, I actually made my daughter wrap her own gift. MOM FAIL.
I like your style girly, even when you eat candle wax instead of frosting. Glad I started following again and sorry I missed so much.
I was lying in bed early this morning thinking that I should send you a Merry Christmas email (no lie) and then you posted and saved my lazy ass from having to actually type an email–and you’d only be getting an email because I ran out of steam with the actual Christmas card.
And then I started reading your post and OH MY GOD the mouse story just about killed me! With your bare/gloved/bagged hands?!!??
And then that made me remember several years ago when we lived in an old house in New Jersey that had radiator heat and there was a hole cut in the floor for the pipes to come through and this was where the mice would come through…and I remembered being on the phone with my brother and watching the little bugger scurry across the dining room…and after I ran through a couple of mouse traps I had to go to Target on Christmas Eve to get more mouse traps. Because we had that many mice. But these were the cool kinds of traps that were covered so all you’d see on the way to the garbage can was a little tail.
Wow, I’m just worn out from all that typing and running-on sentence wise.
I do wish you a very Merry Christmas, Kelly! And go get the covered mouse traps before you have a nightmare involving you, Mickey and some gloves.
Oh K, I love you so. bwa ha ha! Have a fantastic holiday fine thing. -Christine
Hey Woman, nice work with the mouse! You are woman – and now we’ve heard you roar!
Seriously Kelly, I wish you and the kids a very joyous Christmas.
Thanks for never failing to give me a chuckle/good cry/reason to think.
I’m such a bad present wrapper. I should take lessons.
Merry Christmas, Kelly.
I’m glad your parents banned “the R word,” because it’s disrespectful and at the expense of people, like my daughter–who also has autism–and others with Intellectual DisAbilities. Yes, that’s the new term now and the capped “A” is my addition. Our culture has a number of examples where a segment of society has chosen to change what they wish to be called because one term becomes perjorative. The most common other example: people of color. So, the “R” word is not harmless. Submitted kindly here and without assumptions….
I found you in a Google search for something else and came here regarding the purse drive. I will give this some thought as I am in the process of doing such purging of my and my daughter’s “stuff.” Thank you for doing this lovely thing.
My best.
I laughed hilariously at you parking in front of Target and sticking your tongue out at people! Isn’t it amazing what Christmas shopping will bring out of you. LOL
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