My sister is 40 today. It’s a milestone in our family because she’s the eldest of all us girls and I’ve been teasing her about turning 40 for the last two years.

“You know, you actually turn 40 twice, Erin. Once when you turn 39 because all you can think is OHMYGOD I’M GONNA BE 40 NEXT YEAR and then once when you truly turn 40.”

She reminded me that I’m a mere 14 months younger than she.

Guess who turns 39 this year? Yeah. That came right around and bit me in the butt, didn’t it?

Erin always got to do everything first. She got her license before I did, when she asked to go roller skating with her friends on a Saturday all by herself she got to go alone. Erin also got to make mistakes before I did so that I could watch her and tell myself that I didn’t want to make those same mistakes. (Let’s face it. I made all new ones. I wasn’t very smart.) She got married right out of high school and moved to New Mexico but came back to Illinois after her second baby.

She works harder than anyone else I know. It drives me crazy but I’ve seen her clean her house from top to bottom after working a full day and she seems to go, go, go long after any normal, rational person has lost steam. Nobody is as exacting as Erin.

She’s a crier. If anything sentimental happens, Erin will be crying. (Even though I watched as she gave birth to her third child and teared up, she gritted her teeth and pointed at me and screamed, “Don’t you dare cry right now, Kelly Marie!” because she’s also dramatic with that pointy finger of hers and likes to use both of my names when she scolds me.) The entire family has said at one time or another, “Oh, Lord. Someone get Erin a tissue because we know she’s gonna cry.” She’s a pretty crier, too. ANNOYING.

She’s an encourager. If you feel like you can’t do it she is right there telling you that you can.

She’s the first person I wanted to talk to when I found out that Maddie was back in my life and she’s the first person I will call when I think the world is crashing down upon me. All “what am I gonna do?” conversations start with my big sister. When I got a tattoo on my back she decided that she wanted one, too, and now all three of us have the same tattoos. Sometimes I like to point out that I GOT MINE FIRST but then I look at her tattoo and realize she went bigger and fancier than mine.

Happy Birthday, sister. I love you fiercely.

I know you’re crying as you read this so get a tissue, wipe your nose, and collect yourself you big baby.

How can anyone who hasn’t seen the sun in days stop themselves from feeling blue? Or gray? Or from hurting the nearest kitten that comes close to their yard?

I do not know. But it has made me Super Cranky which is like Super Superior but angrier and with clenched fists.

It’s making me engage in passive aggressive behavior.

It’s becoming nearly impossible to get through a day without sprinkling around some bad words.

No one is funny right now.

Oh, and another thing that’s just really irritating? Stop taking a gazillion pictures of yourself while you’re on vacation and posting them. I don’t care that you ate that shrimp cocktail on that tropical island with a drink that had 15 kinds of liquor in it. No, I just don’t. You’re just being mean now.

And pizza? I MISS YOU TERRIBLY. Because whatever, I know there are a ton of new ways to eat a pizza without any cheese on it but damnit, I miss cheese pizza. Look there. You made me cuss and say ‘damnit’ which, by the way, is the real way to spell it and not ‘dammit’ because that’s just stupid. Damnit.

Now that I’m combining foul language and junk food into one paragraph it’s time to get to the bidness.

January, you’re a hard month. You make everything seem dreary and you’re unmotivating. It’s hard to exercise and work out but when I do go to the gym the gross, sweaty, beefy guys make eye contact with me every 40 seconds while I’m on the elliptical and I don’t like that. The only reason I’m making eye contact back is because I’m questioning if they’re really looking at me and THEY ARE BUT I WANT THE M TO STOP IT. You’re just no fun anymore, January. It’s not me, it’s you. You have weak ass weather and the I don’t even like award shows anymore and the one holiday you have to offer is still, God help me, controversial in 2010. Sorry, MLK, that we’ve reduced you do initials. I come bearing gifts, though, January. I come in the name of all the depressed, weathered, wanna-be-startin’-somethin’-but-too-lazy-to-start-somethin’ people who want to do something fun like trick or treat during the month of January.

We’ll start this weekend, ok? Saturday night. We’ll go from house to house with a pillowcase in hand and ring doorbells to see if our neighbors are still alive have heat and some candy coated goodness to offer.

If they have a keg instead then ok. That’ll do.

Over the last two years our family has gotten used to going back and forth between parents. It’s a testament to the passing of time that I’m even able to admit such a difficult thing because I know it is not the ideal situation. More than anything I’ve learned that co-parenting sometimes results in an It is what it is sentiment because things are just beyond our control. I read with great interest how other people cope with the loss of a marriage through divorce, but I’m just not able to write about it. First of all, it would be one sided and that’s simply unfair. Secondly, I would have to permit entry into the hole that is left in my heart since my marriage failed. I failed. But it’s a mourning that others write about and explore far better than I could do justice.

Every week that my boys are with me they bring a few of their favorite clothes, a karate uniform, and a ton of DVDs. My sons are connoisseurs of films. Many years ago when they were quite young our family made the conscious decision to get rid of cable television because they were so impressionable and reality shows and sexual music videos began to get out of control in our society. Since it’s hard to monitor that we simply turned it off and started playing more board games, doing puzzles, and reading. After about four months when that wore off we visited our video store and rented all the movies in the Classics section because they were free. They watched Jimmy Stewart’s incredible performance in “Harvey” and learned nearly every line to Rosalind Russell’s “Auntie Mame” (my all time favorite movie ever) and then a friend let us borrow her Ealing Studios Collection of films starring Sir Alec Guinness.

We learned, watching the  Ealing Studio movies, that the older kids didn’t get much into British comedy. I asked them what they didn’t like about it and Mallory responded with “Nothing EVER turns out right for those characters, mom!” True. It’s uh…kind of like the thing about British comedy. They were very meh about the whole thing and might even tell you that they suffered through it. The youngest loved it. He was probably 6 at the time so it surprised me that he liked it as much as he did. We got through “The Ladykillers” and were well into “The Lavender Hill Mob” when he spoke up and said, “I know that guy. That actor. But not like this. I know his voice.”

Morgan, my youngest, is really good with voices. And he was absolutely right. He did know that voice. It belonged to Obi Wan Kenobi and we’d watched enough Star Wars movies to choke a tauntaun.

Tonight, when my boys got here, Morgan pulled out 8 movies (EIGHT MOVIES LIKE WE HAVE TIME FOR ALL THAT CRAP) that he’d brought over and I grieved the realization that he probably wants to watch all of them before he goes to bed. “Look here, buddy. We aren’t watching everything. Make a choice and pick ONE.” One of them is the second “Die Hard” movie and since it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that one I had to ask if it’s the one in the airport and on the plane. Mason chimed in that he’s noticed a theme with the Bruce Willis movies.

“Ok, so the first one he saves everyone in a building. The second one he saves everyone  in an area. The third one he saves a whole city. The fourth one he saves the whole United States. I’ll bet in the fifth one he’ll save the whole world. The sixth one he’ll save the universe. The seventh one he’ll probably save God.”

Mason sure does have a special way of summing things up. Speaking of summing things up, I don’t really have much in the way of tying this all together. But that’s how life is for me sharing kids. It’s really pretty messy. The point is, I have some great kids who are funny and who have managed to maintain a sense of humor. Even when it feels like nothing ever turns out right for us.

As an added bonus, I’ve included a very cute “sweded” version of “Die Hard” that I found just now. (Have you seen “Be Kind, Rewind”? Then you might know what sweded means. Great movie. Watch it. It’s super cute.)

Yippee-ki-yay. (I can’t write the last word of that popular phrase. I’m trying to be family friendly here. I don’t have to write it. You know it.)

This past week more than a few friends have reached out to me to ask how I feel about this new show on the CW called “Life Unexpected” and the last time this happened was when “Juno” came out. It is strange how I am the poster child in my circle for getting a measurement of whether or not movies or television shows are realistic in their portrayal of young girls placing babies for adoption. My assessment of “Juno” was that, while I enjoyed the tone of the movie, I was a little surprised by her witty, rapid-fire quips enough to be wary of a teenager using the language Juno uses. It just felt a bit too affected for me. My days are spent with teenagers. Over a thousand of them. Many of them have a sharp tongue, but none in that manner nor are they as cynical. Lots of them are very grown up and have bigger decisions on their plates than they deserve, but they don’t deal with it as caustically or as flippantly as Juno did.

That’s neither here nor there. I’m not a movie critic by any stretch of the imagination.

All I have are my own experiences and no one could possibly guide me through them no matter how badly I wanted them to when Maddie came back into my life. Who can tell me how to think through this? Can anyone please let me know what my next steps will be? Could someone please explain my feelings to me?

My friends helped, but they were as lost as I was on these important matters. It was best if they just threw up their hands and said, “I dunno, Kelly. Do your best.” and then hugged me. It was just about all I was allowing myself to take from them.

“Life Unexpected” is glossy and I don’t for one minute get how two brown eyed parents had a blue eyed child. But I had two red-haired children, so who am I to talk about the probability of an offspring’s genotype? Hell, I can’t even fill out a Punnett square correctly anymore. It’s also because Lux (the daughter of the two ridiculously attractive parents) has ridiculously perfect skin and NO TEENAGER HAS PERFECT SKIN. I’ve seen them up close. You can’t fool me. Her character is super cute and her hair is super cute and her clothes, as poor as she’s supposed to be, are super cute. But she’s a 19-year old actress trying to capture what a 15-year old girl might feel when happening upon her real parents in an effort to be an emancipated minor. It’s not that that’s not a remarkable event, but her reaction doesn’t seem very believable. (If you want to see Britt Robertson in a remarkable movie, then check her out in “Dan In Real Life” instead.)

It’s also not very believable that she would meet these beautiful, fun, successful parents and not want to be with them right away. Wouldn’t that fantasy come first in her mind? Or does she just not want to believe it? Either way, when she fights it I can’t find a way to suspend my disbelief even though I’m not supposed to do that with a drama. There’s an English Lit. degree on my wall to prove that I should know better.

Even though I’ve come to expect the unexpected (or rather, not expect anything at all) it just isn’t always so shiny and pretty. Just when I think that I have my emotions under control I will lose it. Just when I get used to having a long distance relationship with Maddie I find myself missing her or the Might Have Beens. Just when I start talking about my kids I find that there are details that I have to leave out about her and only tell about the other three that I have raised simply because I don’t know all the particulars.

I guess I’m saying that it’s not like that. There’s a twinge here and there of doing it wrong, of explaining to someone else why I have changed the number of daughters I claim, and of still missing out on her life. She’s ready to graduate college and go off with her fabulous life with ridiculously perfect skin and her amazing boyfriend (or so I hear, but Facebook is just NOT to be trusted with all those incidentals).

There are new situations and everything is, as to be expected, changing.  With those changes come new feelings. How the hell will I even begin to start navigating these new waters?

Remarkably. That’s how. This journey with my children is nothing if not remarkable no matter how badly I think I’m screwing it up.

Here’s how this works: I pretend to be a real blogger who posts pictures, confesses to having my life in disarray thus making you feel better about whatever shortcomings you may have, and once in a while I do a giveaway. Isn’t that what all the cool kids are doing? (The un-cool kids do annoying crap like take pictures of all their new gadgets and redecorating and I HATE THEM because I am jealous of all that stuff and isn’t that an ugly shade on me?)

It’s just like me to be days late with the de-lurking post. There’s good news in this, though. Wait for it. Since everyone else did it on the 14th and I’m posting this on the 18th it’s a good thing. On the 14th everyone was tired of commenting (“Gawd, another password just to comment and tell her that I like her knitting?”) so now you’re refreshed! You may even have today off! Four whole days to recover from all that de-lurking you did.

You don’t know what to say in a de-lurk? Oh, well you can talk about the weather, how much of an asshole that Pat Robertson is, or how you did some volunteering in your neighborhood (thanks for the APL suggestion, Susan!), or how you woke up this morning and listened to Martin Luther King’s speech because no one, and I mean NO ONE, should ever try to read it for him. Perhaps you could weigh in on the “Duh! I wanna be stoopid about art so please don’t make me think!” conversation going on at Racialicious. Maybe you could just ask a question. “Kelly, how do you get tomato stains out of your clothes?” You may want to ask something more serious like, “Have you accosted anyone in the grocery store lately?” (Yes, but she started it.) or “How’s the book writing coming? Is that why you’ve been absent of late?” (Again, yes. Two chapters down!) or “What’s up with your religious beliefs, huh?” (Oh, I can’t talk about that until I’m four glasses of cabernet into the conversation. It’s against my religion to answer anytime before that.)

Maybe you just want to ask a personal question since I’m so cryptic with my life and dole out tiny bits when I feel it’s safe. Ask away! I’ll answer in the comments. Maybe. Possibly.

I know. This is why you can’t stand me.

Aimee Greeblemonkey designed this because she’s smart, talented, and she has an IQ so big I’m afraid to publish it. She also has a lot of gadgets but somehow I’m not jealous of her because I like her. See? She’s smart AND does stuff like have contests where she gives stuff away and makes donations to Unicef to give relief to Haiti in honor of the celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Nice, right?