How can anyone who hasn’t seen the sun in days stop themselves from feeling blue? Or gray? Or from hurting the nearest kitten that comes close to their yard?
I do not know. But it has made me Super Cranky which is like Super Superior but angrier and with clenched fists.
It’s making me engage in passive aggressive behavior.
It’s becoming nearly impossible to get through a day without sprinkling around some bad words.
No one is funny right now.
Oh, and another thing that’s just really irritating? Stop taking a gazillion pictures of yourself while you’re on vacation and posting them. I don’t care that you ate that shrimp cocktail on that tropical island with a drink that had 15 kinds of liquor in it. No, I just don’t. You’re just being mean now.
And pizza? I MISS YOU TERRIBLY. Because whatever, I know there are a ton of new ways to eat a pizza without any cheese on it but damnit, I miss cheese pizza. Look there. You made me cuss and say ‘damnit’ which, by the way, is the real way to spell it and not ‘dammit’ because that’s just stupid. Damnit.
Now that I’m combining foul language and junk food into one paragraph it’s time to get to the bidness.
January, you’re a hard month. You make everything seem dreary and you’re unmotivating. It’s hard to exercise and work out but when I do go to the gym the gross, sweaty, beefy guys make eye contact with me every 40 seconds while I’m on the elliptical and I don’t like that. The only reason I’m making eye contact back is because I’m questioning if they’re really looking at me and THEY ARE BUT I WANT THE M TO STOP IT. You’re just no fun anymore, January. It’s not me, it’s you. You have weak ass weather and the I don’t even like award shows anymore and the one holiday you have to offer is still, God help me, controversial in 2010. Sorry, MLK, that we’ve reduced you do initials. I come bearing gifts, though, January. I come in the name of all the depressed, weathered, wanna-be-startin’-somethin’-but-too-lazy-to-start-somethin’ people who want to do something fun like trick or treat during the month of January.
We’ll start this weekend, ok? Saturday night. We’ll go from house to house with a pillowcase in hand and ring doorbells to see if our neighbors are still alive have heat and some candy coated goodness to offer.
If they have a keg instead then ok. That’ll do.
January 26, 2010 @ 5:28 am | Filed under Brain Swamp, Damnit, Drugs make me write like this | Permalink | Comments (18)
Deanna McNeil Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 6:28 am
Hi! Time to check those vitamin D levels
Really helps
furiousBall Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 6:49 am
get two slices of baloney right out of the fridge, apply one to each ass cheek. there, now you feel silly.
boom.
you’re welcome.
*curtsey*
my work is done here
Hilly Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 6:58 am
You know what sucks ass? I made myself a little resolution to not engage in passive aggressive behavior on Facebook or Twitter anymore and my GOD, this year has already tested me. I just want to snark up vomitous one-liners and yet, I cannot.
Le sigh.
Lori E Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 7:06 am
Try living in the Pacific Northwest. We don’t tan, we rust.
I embrace the rain. I don’t even own an umbrella. It rains here. Lots. And DAMNIT ALL TO HELL I AM NOT GOING TO LET THAT MOTHER NATURE BITCH WIN.
Okay I feel better now. Trick or treat.
Jessica Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 8:11 am
I have always hated January…always and this year is particularly effed up. Not that February is looking much better…March yes, March is going to be a good month. Don’t you just want to tell life to just go away already.
Johann Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 8:20 am
I’ve always got hops-and-barley beverages in supply here… feel free to knock on my door any time.
A lot of people rip on January for several reasons… holiday hangover (literal and figurative), the weather, things like that. Myself, I hate January weather, but I’ve still always had somewhat of a fondness for the month of January. Especially the 18th. But I digress.
Oh- and I find that the reason *I* can’t get through the day without sprinkling around bad words has nothing to do with January. I just can’t do it.
Meg Evans Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 8:21 am
Sigh. I so feel your pain. And sorry to say, but for me, February is the worst. The shortest month, and yet every one of those 28 days takes at least 30 hours to get through.
I have been making a point to notice when the sun actually shines through the windows–hell, I even took a picture of it so I’d have proof later when the clouds came back. I confess, I’m on the other side of a monster-PMS week, so things are looking better right now. My children can hug me without my wanting to tear their heads from their bodies. And it’s even safe for my husband to chew his food within earshot of me now.
I had my annual doctor appointment today, and she advised mega-doses of calcium for keeping the PMS monster at bay–of course, she said it works better if you start dosing the two weeks before and not waiting until you’re in the throes of the monthly hormonal mayhem.
Did I digress? What were we talking about? When are you coming to my house with candy? I’ll have the wine chilled and ready.
RuthWells Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 8:56 am
January has sucked hard — from health to work to expensive car repairs. Bring on February!
Laura Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 9:02 am
I have CHOCOLATE!
Bring on June!!! I want sunshine and dresses with bare legs.
I was just thinking I need to get rid of the Halloween candy before the Valentines candy roles in.
Tweets that mention Mocha Momma » January Trick Or Treating: A Proposal -- Topsy.com Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 2:38 pm
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by mochamomma, spfldbloggers. spfldbloggers said: Post: Mocha Momma – January Trick Or Treating: A Proposal http://is.gd/74GlG [...]
Amy Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 3:03 pm
So we don’t have a keg, but we have tons of nicotine mints and vodka. Which could also be fun.
Yvonne Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 3:58 pm
Holy heck you are all having a bad month. So I am going to issue an open invite to all readers to come to Oz. We are having fantastic (aka bone melting) sunshine.
We can all camp out on the lawn and compare baked potato combo’s at night. I will load the neighbours up with candy and alcohol.
This could be fun! You all sound sad so come on over and let us cheer you all up.
Kelly ….. you are not allowed to come unless you bring the kids with you!
Furious Ball….. YOU should come with a WARNING label. Too funny. I vote you to be our official Emcee for the “Piss Off To Australia Because The January/February Weather Sucks Here’ Trip.
Then we can post buttloads of holiday snaps to annoy many other people.
You know you want to!
LaughingMouse Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 5:01 pm
I have now posted my agreement on my own blog and on my twitter feed.
Who wants to start the petition???
Jonathan Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 5:06 pm
I have to be careful. While I agree that January is difficult, it’s also dangerous for me. If I’m stuck inside, with bad weather outside, I start cooking up damn fool things to do like writing blogs
Michelle Said,
January 26, 2010 @ 8:51 pm
Good grief you spoke to so many people with this post. It’s as though I was in your mind seeing and understanding exactly, exactly, how you feel. This year we are in Florida (school), but I am from the Seattle and Salt Lake City areas and miss the snow. BUT I remember so vividly everything you are saying. Everything. The shoe that had a hole that only became apparent from the snow melting through the sole into my sock and around my foot. The bottom of the pant legs that manage to soak up the wetness up to the knees. The gray skies. The endlessness of it all. So, While I miss it terribly, I would invite you in for a nice beer or whiskey or whine (wine), if I could.
angie Said,
January 27, 2010 @ 10:35 am
I so agree. Except that my January has been lost in a haze of basketball games, like the all are any more. And working out at home with Jillian is pretty awesome.
I’m sorry about the unwanted attention at the gym. But you can’t be surprised, can you? I mean, really?
Lauren Said,
January 27, 2010 @ 9:30 pm
I have suffered the same non-cheese pizza pain for several years now, but I think I may have found a reasonable answer. Raw-Milk cheese. Apparently, the way it is processed takes out the lactose and it’s just like regular cheese, both flavor and texture-wise. I have yet to try it on pizza, but I’ve made nachos with it & it was delicious and melty!
Goat milk is also a decent alternative but the downside is that it has that distinct goat-y flavor. However, it also is fairly lactose-free and melts.
good luck with the non-dairy situation… it’s a tough one. : )
Doobee Said,
January 28, 2010 @ 11:09 am
Some of my friends and I used to go “trick-or-beering” – you get a decent variety in your bag and can swap with friends, and you’re not tied down to a keg.