Just when I think I can wrap my brain around the understanding that divorce is, in fact, here to stay then I get a call that it’s happening to someone else I know.
Do you have any advice?
No. I’m not expert at this. I barely get it myself. I just waded through some dark waters not long ago.
Hell. I’m still wading. Sometimes I’m flailing my arms about and trying to get this down so it doesn’t gnaw at me, but it comes, like a labor pain, in waves. There is an ebb and a flow. At times you’re coming down off the tongue-biting pain and other times it’s on the rise again and you hold your breath for a second to wait for the pain. I’ve watched friends like Jess and Jenn write their way through it and I’m far more comfortable reading about their experiences because they’re truer than anything else I’ve read. All that stuff is trite and, ultimately, not very helpful. I’ve tried to read it and all I want to do is make it stop.
If a spell could be cast in order to make it all stop I would have searched for a voodoo lady long ago.
When it comes in a giant wave it happens at an inopportune time.
Do I have any advice?
No. Not really.
This, too, shall pass.
I went through major, life-changing health issues. Devastating health issues. It keeps popping back up even tho it is four years later- I had another major surgery in December.
While it is not divorce, it is a major life event that has affected every part of my life- mostly my emotional life. It is very isolating. People ask how I am doing, but how do I respond without breaking down into tears? “I’m doing well, thanks!” When I find someone who can identify because they have been through the same thing (even though it is different for everyone), I talk and talk and talk and talk until I think my tongue is going to fall out of my mouth and cry and cry and cry and cry until my eyes are scratchy and tired.
But through it all, I KNOW that each day it gets a little better. There are dips when I feel like everything is just dark and bleak and why bother? But these damn Norwegian genes force me to persevere, to push through, to know that it will pass and life will get brighter and better and worth it.
Somehow this comment has turned into a post about me (they always seem to….), but in my long, round-about way I’m saying “You’ll get through it. Trust me,” and “Find people who GET IT and talk and cry and support each other.”
Hugs.
best advise i’ve ever received from from a Serbian co-worker friend of my father…
Nenad: “You probably have lots of people telling you what to do right?”
Me : “Yep”
Nenad: “It’s all bullshit. You’re smart, you will know what to do.”
And that was brilliant. Nenad empowered me to own my decision, which is ultimately the best strength we all need.
It is just not an option for me…does not mean that it is not for the other person. I can not recall one person who has been through it telling me divorced fixed anything for them. None of them told me they were happier as a result. If anything, they said they were deeply saddened by it.
Listen to your heart and like furiousball said, you will know what to do. Even when you have no freakin’ idea what to do, the answer comes at the right time.
Talk of divorce just makes me sad. People just don’t seem to give a shit about commitment to anything anymore. It is all about the easy out.
I know it was never an ‘easy out’ for you Kelly and it took a long time to get to this, take each day as a new adventure, and you’ll know what is best to do, when its the time to do it
, thinking of you xxx
All I can say, K, is I love ya.
Yeah. Divorce blows. But it does get better, there’s more time between the waves–doesn’t necessarily make them less painful, but at least there’s a little more recovery time. Over time, it becomes less and less of a part of your daily identity–it never goes away especially since you have children together, but it’s much less defining both internally and externally. Cry when you can, chin up when you have to, and know that we’re here for you.
Smooches.
Oh wow, do I understand. I’ve gotten IMs in the middle of the night, random phone calls from women I barely know, questions from people who’ve only met me through the words I publish on their screens. The only thing I am in an expert in is my own divorce. And sometimes, I’ve been an expert at screaming, crying, and doing that divorce stuff pretty shitty.
But most of the time, I’ve been an expert about choosing the advice to listen to and the advice to slough off. I’ve been an expert at standing up for my child (and am getting better at doing that solely for myself) and I’ve been an expert at standing my ground. I’ve become a master at trusting my gut instincts, sending hopeful messages into the universe, and being thankful when the wind blows sweetly across my face (and not cruel words, legal paperwork and attorney’s bills).
I’d never wish that kind of expertise on anyone. But getting through it, I’ve also gotten better and better at living the big and wonderful live I want for myself and for my son. And I am not sure that would have been possible in that marriage. For that, I am happy to be the expert of something shitty, expensive, painful, and that lasted too long.
That is a long way of saying — you are an expert at carrying on. And that, wonderful woman and mama, is what you get the crown for. Not paperwork and pain.