There’s not much that stumps me in my job and I’ve embraced humility enough to know that I don’t always know the answers to the complicated messes that introduce themselves to me like a stranger at the grocery store. “Oh, hello. I’m the awkward beef cow tongue sitting in plastic wrap in the frozen meat section. What would you like to do to me?”
You know, that sounded way less disgustingly lurid and suggestive  in my head when I started writing this.
But there is something that comes up increasingly more often than I thought it would. Some students are comfortable enough with their homosexuality to talk to me about it. It’s usually in passing as we’re discussing other things or sometimes when they tell me who they’re bringing to the Prom or just about dating someone of the same sex as a general topic of conversation. But what I am never clear on is how much their parents know or what I am allowed to say to their families. Sometimes, I know about their sexuality before their parents and other times it’s as comfortable a subject matter as their algebra test scores or their AP History class.
When I’m unsure of is how to mention it to parents (if necessary). What do I say? How to I talk about it? What if they ask me about it?
What are your thoughts on this?
I’ve been racking my mind trying to figure out a situation where you’d need to tell the parents and I can’t come up with something. The only thing I can come up with is if they’re seeing someone over 18…like a 40 year old and then it doesn’t matter if the kid’s gay or not – it’s still wrong and should be handled just like if the kids was hetero.
And I can’t imagine a parent asking you about what sex their kid is attracted to. Has that happened? I guess I’m just shocked because the last person I would think to ask about my kids’ sexuality would be their teacher.
Maybe I’m way off base here? Definitely interested in reading other responses.
That’s a tough one. For me, I would consider if I would be telling patents news of their adolescent’s heterosexual adventures they may have told you about.
Are you being told these thongs in confidence, or are these people expecting you to share with others?
It sounds like you are someone these people find easy to talk to and that is great as a lot of adolescents do have trouble talking to older people about what is happening in their lives. It would be a shame to lose their trust.
Honestly? I think you should be keeping quiet unless you know for a fact the child’s been outed. We aren’t talking small children here, we are talking half grown adults. I’d treat it like I was a doctor and they were my patients and like doctor-patient confidentiality, I’d think you have a principal/teacher-student confidentiality.
Of course, all said and done, if a parent asked me straight out about it, I’d likely answer honestly. I just wouldn’t broach the subject unless I knew for a fact it was public family knowledge.
If I found myself in a situation where mentioning it to a parent might be neccessary, I would speak to the student first and see how much mom and dad know. Euphemisms go a long way when neccessary. If the parents ask, I’d defer with questions, “what do you think is going on?” “is there something you’re concerned about?” Generally speaking, I think mom and dad are aware on some level of what is going on with their children.
Hmm…nah, I wouldn’t share unless when Ted says he is taking Tom to the prom; you have said “That is great! What do your parents think of Tom?” and he says “OMG MS MOCHAMOMMA! They just think he is another boy who can’t get a date”
If a parent asks you, they don’t know and you aren’t the one to tell them. I can see where it would be tempting to ask my kid’s counselor or principal but no-I want to hear it from my kid. In that case you shrug and prevaricate with “you never know with kids these days” or say you aren’t sure. You have wondered yourself or depending on the parent “Nope, no idea” Hand them a P-Flag brochure on “what to do if you think your child is gay” Have a nice day.
After that point you call young GLBT youth into your office and say “Look your parents want to know or I saw your parents and wondered if they knew that you were dating Tom.” (I don’t know-how do you handle it if you don’t know if highly religious family x has a daughter going out with the guy who gets around and you see the parents?)
In what cases would it be necessary to discuss? I mean are we talking they got caught in the school restroom? Or two girls are skipping class to head home for a few hours of snogging? Or are they just going to be shown kissing in the yearbook?
since I work with middle schoolers, we are required to report “sexual activity.” And i take that to mean of either kind. But, I have never felt the need to tell a parent about a child’s sexuality. Kids are still in flux, and are often trying to figure it out for themselves. I have encouraged them to be safe and to find a way to tell their parents if they are at that point. but, unless the student is engaged in something dangerous, i don’t think you need to tell. and if a parent asks, you can just defer to the “that is probably a conversation you should have with your child.” And you can facilitate the conversation if that is wanted, but don’t betray the child’s trust.
I don’t think there is anything legal that requires you to share that information with parents. And why would you? Unless the student asks for our involvement, I think it inappropriate for us (I’m a fellow educator) to involve ourselves – especially at the high-school level. Unless of course if there were circumstances where the student was in a disciplinary situation or in danger.
If a parent asked, I’d like to think that I would have expected to be talking with the parent in the first place, and would have talked with the student prior and found out the circumstances at home as to not divulge anything and “out” the kid.
I don’t want to lose their trust, nor do I feel like I’m the one who should be the first person to tell a parent. When it comes up (since so many of you asked) it’s usually, “Have you seen so-and-so with other kids I should know about?” or “Something’s different with my child. What new behavior have you seen?” and it’s never something I think of first, but I’ve found myself being careful about my language when I’m not sure a parent knows.
Sometimes, I think they’re trying to get a confirmation from me and I just feel so uncomfortable giving it.
Though some parents seems woefully ignorant of any behavior their child has going on that I think smacking them upside the head would be JUST. THE THING.
It shouldn’t be a tricky issue, but it is. And each situation has presented itself differently. The balance is in taking each one on separately and asking my students, “Hey, am I the only adult who knows this about you? Have you shared it with your family?”
No way. Never. If I had confided in you as a school counselor, even if it was common discussion between us, I would be PISSED and feel betrayed if you told my parents. If the parents tell you, that’s another thing.
Seriously. As a lesbian who grew up in Oklahoma in the 80′s, it’s a no brainer. I’m surprized you would even consider it.
I’m not sure what the laws are there, but is there some legal reason you would be compelled to out a student? I would think you could redirect any questions the parents put to you back to their son/daughter. If the student requested that you be part of the conversation, that would be a different story. I think the trust of the student is your first priority, especially if they don’t think they can talk to their parents. They’ll need someone they can trust for good, honest information.
Former GSA sponsor chiming in here. General rule of thumb is that you never out anyone or reference their sexual orientation without their prior knowledge. Period. Your students may be out to you because they want you to help them come out to their family, but you shouldn’t ever do so without their expressed consent. You are under no legal obligation to talk about that with parents, either, nor should you do so.
I’m not sure under what circumstances you would need to talk about it with parents, but if it ever did come up, I would err on the side of discretion. Say the parent asks you about their kid’s sexuality, I would deflect with a question, asking them if they had talked to their kid about it. But If a student were openly talking with me about it, I might consider asking them whether their parents are aware of their sexuality. I personally feel that the right to disclose remains firmly with the student. She may be open with you and her friends, but closed to her family, and that is her right. I would try to respect that in any way possible, and disclose only if absolutely necessary. Again, I can’t imagine a situation where it would be.
Hmmm… well being a gay woman and having been fully aware of my sexuality in my teens, and also having fears and worries regarding how my parents would react (sadly not unfounded fears), for me its a no brainer. Personally it would have been awful if a member of school staff who I had confided in had discussed this issue with my parents, particularly as to how they reacted when I myself told them. Nonetheless, as I now work in education myself I appreciate sometimes parents do come out with odd questions about their kids etc. Personally, I’d brush the query to one side, and then if the pupil had already spoken to me, I’d mention it to them and point them in the right direction of support services with regard to coming out to family etc. Ultimately its up to the individual to decide when to come out etc. But and it is a standard but, if you have concerns regarding child protection, then confidences have to be broken as they would in any pupils life.
my approach would be to stick my fingers in my ears and going lalalalalaa. not because of my feelings of being straight or whatever (i personally don’t care, being happy and in love is hard enough) but that is HEAVY.
Just as a parent has a right to know if a child is participatingin sexual activities in or outside of the school a parent should be told if a minor child is suspected of being gay so that they can get the support that they need from home. I know Moccamomma personnally and know that she makes a good confidant, but whether the family would be judgemental or not is up to each individual family. Let’s face it, these are still minors, who have PARENTS that are responsible for them. It’s wonderful to be able to have someone to talk to outside of the home, I was a physically abused child and I know what that feels like to need a shoulder. All it seems like these children and some of you adults are afraid of are rights being violated, what rights?! OK, they are gay, stand up and tell your parents!
I would suggest erring on the side of caution. When the occassion arises to interact with parents of students who have shared their sexual preference, do not discuss it with the parent. Unless the student in question is in the room and has introduced that subject his/her self.
There aren’t many situations I can envision where in the normal course of your exchange that you would need to mention it or introduce into the conversation. As a trusted advisor to the teen, the last thing you need to do is out them, even if inadvertently.
Wowee Wow. Back in the 80s my twin brother and I never talked about his being gay, and he was closer to me than anybody else in our family. I sure don’t think he would have talked to a teacher. But maybe he did. I’d like to think maybe there was somebody he could have talked to. If there was, that person never said a thing to my mom and dad.
Today, who knows? I’d like to tell you that if you would call a mom to tell her that her daughter was having sex with her boyfriend (would you?), then you should call that same mom to tell her that her son is having sex with his boyfriend. But, are we there yet?
You might have a better idea than I do. But I don’t think we are. Heterosexual sexual kids having sex may be taking bad risks, but one of them isn’t risking being thought of as frighteningly outside the norm. Some kids are so cool and great about who they are that they don’t care if they are out. Maybe they aren’t offended or deeply hurt that their state won’t let them grow up any marry the person of their dreams or that some goofs will want to beat them up because they fear their difference. But I still have to believe there are a lot of gay kids out there that constantly get the message that the world is not built to include them. When they trust you enough to show you who they are, they have crossed a huge ocean and are hoping for a snug harbor. I think they may need to practice coming out to you, not only so that they can have somebody that they can relax around but also to learn that they are good judges about who it is safe to trust. So I guess maybe when a kid comes out to you – no matter how way out he might seem to be – maybe it’s safest all around to assume that his parents don’t know.
Boy this is all rambling, but let me get to it. If my son didn’t think he could tell me he was gay, I would want him to have you or somebody like you there for him. And I would want that person to be careful never to tell or tip me.
You are obsessing way too much about the particular aspect of the student’s sexuality. Do you talk to parents of heterosexual students about their sexual activities?
As a teacher, you should talk about the person, and not focus on where they occasionally put their genitals.
Mocha,
This is my first time at your blog. I love it, thanks for the insight.
I can’t speak for gays, or kids, and especially not gay kids. What I do know is this: when you out someone you put them at risk of abuse from their parents and their peers.
I also know having a gay friend affects how you view gay rights. http://www.gallup.com/poll/118931/knowing-someone-gay-lesbian-affects-views-gay-issues.aspx
Finally, even for those of us that aren’t gay need to fight for gay rights because you never know if you’ll end up with a gay child or have a close friend come out. We need to ensure a safe, equal world for everyone because eventually it will effect someone you love.
Don’t talk about it with a parent. At all. Ever. (Well, if someone’s in danger, that’s different. Though I still wouldn’t talk about anything specific.) You just never know when a parent is going to feign knowing-what’s-up so they can scam info from you.
You can either say you don’t know anything or say that you have talked with (student) about such matters in confidentiality and then encourage the parent to open up the lines of communication with their child.
Interesting topic today. On Saturday I met with a friend, from another state, that I hadn’t seen in over 10 years. He also brought his brother with him that I had met many times at our workplace. His brother is now in his 20s and wow was my gaydar going off. The subject of homosexuality came up a couple times, discussing my favorite dance clubs or friends that came to my party. I know my friend is a very straight laced guy and know he (religiously) doesn’t approve of homosexuals. I felt the need to avoid bringing up anything like that again because it clearly was making his little brother uncomfortable. I felt like such an idiot, because I didn’t mean to make anyone feel that way and those two have always been close I just assumed my friend knew.
So I guess my (roundabout) point was; you never know who else knows the person is gay unless they tell you.
I’m guessing that it would be necessary in situations like…maybe inappropriate behavior between that child and another student? Not sure. But I don’t envy you in this case (I envy you in every other way though), because I wouldn’t know how to breach that gate except for matter of factly and then it would be impossible for me to hide my anger/disgust if the parent had any reaction other than shock/surprise.
It sounds like you have an approach that is fair and sensitive to kids and parents. I agree with some commenters who’ve noted things like sharing any information you have if the student has indicated their partner is over 18, or they’re showing any signs of emotional or physical distress or abuse, but I believe you know how to decide in those situations whether a kid is gay, straight, or all of the above.
I wish I’d had someone like you to confide in when I was in high school. No sexual orientation issues, but I was scared of who I was, how I thought, and upsetting my parents as a teen and it would have been great to have someone like you to talk to.
i say stay out of it. i don’t agree that parents have a right to be told if their child is gay. it’s not like a drug-problem or other deviant behavior. if the parents haven’t been told by their own child there’s a reason for it & it’s the child’s right to tell. i wouldn’t go around telling parents who their straight kids were dating, so i wouldn’t tell them about their homosexual kids dating pool, either.
you are right, though, to be sensitive about it b/c so many people still don’t accept homosexuality.
What happens to the trust you have with the child if you tell the parents? Is it really possible to live with someone you raised and not even wonder, not consider it possible that they are homosexual any more than you consider and wonder if they are heterosexual? Your place may be a comfort-er for the student and an encourager for them, even role playing on how they will tell the parents, if they tell them, etc. Is it a phase or is it real or is it a real phase that will become real life? Who even knows? Talk the students thru their feelings and into “how are you going to address this with your family?” Frankly, if parents aren’t asking questions, they know. They just don’t want to know they know. You know?