Comments on: The “Outing” Debate

By: Kate

Kate — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 22:07:28 +0000

What happens to the trust you have with the child if you tell the parents? Is it really possible to live with someone you raised and not even wonder, not consider it possible that they are homosexual any more than you consider and wonder if they are heterosexual? Your place may be a comfort-er for the student and an encourager for them, even role playing on how they will tell the parents, if they tell them, etc. Is it a phase or is it real or is it a real phase that will become real life? Who even knows? Talk the students thru their feelings and into “how are you going to address this with your family?” Frankly, if parents aren’t asking questions, they know. They just don’t want to know they know. You know?

By: mommymae

mommymae — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:15:44 +0000

i say stay out of it. i don’t agree that parents have a right to be told if their child is gay. it’s not like a drug-problem or other deviant behavior. if the parents haven’t been told by their own child there’s a reason for it & it’s the child’s right to tell. i wouldn’t go around telling parents who their straight kids were dating, so i wouldn’t tell them about their homosexual kids dating pool, either.

you are right, though, to be sensitive about it b/c so many people still don’t accept homosexuality.

By: Deb

Deb — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:03:06 +0000

It sounds like you have an approach that is fair and sensitive to kids and parents. I agree with some commenters who’ve noted things like sharing any information you have if the student has indicated their partner is over 18, or they’re showing any signs of emotional or physical distress or abuse, but I believe you know how to decide in those situations whether a kid is gay, straight, or all of the above.

I wish I’d had someone like you to confide in when I was in high school. No sexual orientation issues, but I was scared of who I was, how I thought, and upsetting my parents as a teen and it would have been great to have someone like you to talk to.

By: Maria

Maria — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 03:58:37 +0000

I’m guessing that it would be necessary in situations like…maybe inappropriate behavior between that child and another student? Not sure. But I don’t envy you in this case (I envy you in every other way though), because I wouldn’t know how to breach that gate except for matter of factly and then it would be impossible for me to hide my anger/disgust if the parent had any reaction other than shock/surprise.

By: Amy in StL

Amy in StL — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:49:46 +0000

Interesting topic today. On Saturday I met with a friend, from another state, that I hadn’t seen in over 10 years. He also brought his brother with him that I had met many times at our workplace. His brother is now in his 20s and wow was my gaydar going off. The subject of homosexuality came up a couple times, discussing my favorite dance clubs or friends that came to my party. I know my friend is a very straight laced guy and know he (religiously) doesn’t approve of homosexuals. I felt the need to avoid bringing up anything like that again because it clearly was making his little brother uncomfortable. I felt like such an idiot, because I didn’t mean to make anyone feel that way and those two have always been close I just assumed my friend knew.

So I guess my (roundabout) point was; you never know who else knows the person is gay unless they tell you.

By: Jeannette

Jeannette — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:54:21 +0000

Don’t talk about it with a parent. At all. Ever. (Well, if someone’s in danger, that’s different. Though I still wouldn’t talk about anything specific.) You just never know when a parent is going to feign knowing-what’s-up so they can scam info from you.

You can either say you don’t know anything or say that you have talked with (student) about such matters in confidentiality and then encourage the parent to open up the lines of communication with their child.

By: Michael Critz

Michael Critz — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 17:08:40 +0000

Mocha,

This is my first time at your blog. I love it, thanks for the insight.

I can’t speak for gays, or kids, and especially not gay kids. What I do know is this: when you out someone you put them at risk of abuse from their parents and their peers.

I also know having a gay friend affects how you view gay rights. http://www.gallup.com/poll/118931/knowing-someone-gay-lesbian-affects-views-gay-issues.aspx

Finally, even for those of us that aren’t gay need to fight for gay rights because you never know if you’ll end up with a gay child or have a close friend come out. We need to ensure a safe, equal world for everyone because eventually it will effect someone you love.

By: Matthew

Matthew — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:58:31 +0000

You are obsessing way too much about the particular aspect of the student’s sexuality. Do you talk to parents of heterosexual students about their sexual activities?

As a teacher, you should talk about the person, and not focus on where they occasionally put their genitals.

By: Rodd

Rodd — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:00:23 +0000

Wowee Wow. Back in the 80s my twin brother and I never talked about his being gay, and he was closer to me than anybody else in our family. I sure don’t think he would have talked to a teacher. But maybe he did. I’d like to think maybe there was somebody he could have talked to. If there was, that person never said a thing to my mom and dad.
Today, who knows? I’d like to tell you that if you would call a mom to tell her that her daughter was having sex with her boyfriend (would you?), then you should call that same mom to tell her that her son is having sex with his boyfriend. But, are we there yet?
You might have a better idea than I do. But I don’t think we are. Heterosexual sexual kids having sex may be taking bad risks, but one of them isn’t risking being thought of as frighteningly outside the norm. Some kids are so cool and great about who they are that they don’t care if they are out. Maybe they aren’t offended or deeply hurt that their state won’t let them grow up any marry the person of their dreams or that some goofs will want to beat them up because they fear their difference. But I still have to believe there are a lot of gay kids out there that constantly get the message that the world is not built to include them. When they trust you enough to show you who they are, they have crossed a huge ocean and are hoping for a snug harbor. I think they may need to practice coming out to you, not only so that they can have somebody that they can relax around but also to learn that they are good judges about who it is safe to trust. So I guess maybe when a kid comes out to you – no matter how way out he might seem to be – maybe it’s safest all around to assume that his parents don’t know.
Boy this is all rambling, but let me get to it. If my son didn’t think he could tell me he was gay, I would want him to have you or somebody like you there for him. And I would want that person to be careful never to tell or tip me.

By: Tanya

Tanya — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:21:56 +0000

I would suggest erring on the side of caution. When the occassion arises to interact with parents of students who have shared their sexual preference, do not discuss it with the parent. Unless the student in question is in the room and has introduced that subject his/her self.

There aren’t many situations I can envision where in the normal course of your exchange that you would need to mention it or introduce into the conversation. As a trusted advisor to the teen, the last thing you need to do is out them, even if inadvertently.