Really, I’m not one to whine about things. Not entirely openly, that is. But, today is one of those days when I wonder just how everything will get done and what state I’ll be in by the end of it. How much I have to give to my work and my students and my staff is weighing heavily right now because of other things. They just seem too heavy right now.
Last week I was given some interview questions to be featured on a site focusing on women’s health. It’s a government run site and one of the people who works there asked about my own health and how to stay healthy amidst the depression and anxiety in my life, whether it’s mine or my family’s. I remember thinking, “Hmm. They must have been reading very carefully to pick up on that since I don’t make it the focus of what I write about.” and then, “God, I just want to scream from the rooftops about how hard it is to handle it all.”
Right now the biggest thing I’m grappling with is how to purchase a house without the benefit of the equity in the home I still own. It’s tied up legally and there’s no getting at it to help with the down payment so I’m scraping (no, literally, scraping, it together and holding onto every extra dime I can find) it up and doing it unconventionally. That doesn’t even factor in how to get moved with all the stuff my mom has accumulated over the years. Most of the stuff in this house I live in right now doesn’t belong to me because I left it all behind in the home I shared with my husband. And holy shitballs, I have so much stuff to replace. No working vaccuum, no lawn mower, not enough towels or garbage cans or storage boxes. The suckage of this predicament is wearing me down. Every day it’s something new. “Can you get us this paperwork?” or “You know you have to pay a full year of homeowner’s insurance before we can give you this home loan, right?”
There are a few good things, though. A few things that happened to make this process smoother. For instance, the day I needed to give the owner a check for earnest money I actually had it. A panel I’ve been on for over a year that promised $1,000 to me for services showed up in the mail just the day before. “How much do I have to give you for earnest money?” I naively asked. “It’s usually $1,000.” she replied. It made my heart leap that for once, FOR ONCE, I had just what I needed in that moment.
The bad things are outweighing it, though. My mother is very sick and we spent the better part of Mother’s Day in the ER. She was scared and I had to make a decision to take her. In that early afternoon moment, she could not make it herself.
But the good! The good is that I found a house where she can have her own bedroom and her own bathroom. That’s a comfort. Knowing I can work hard, scraping together what I need to be able to give her some solace and peace and a home. It’s that very thing I have to hold onto right now as opposed to screaming that IT’S MY TURN FOR SOMETHING GOOD. That’s a selfish thought. I hate it about myself.
Big stuff. It’s all weighing on me. I have to have some peace about it soon and make it through. I really really want it to be my turn.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, K. Your stress is palpable and I’m so sorry. Sending huge hugs your way. And hoping it is your turn very, very soon. You deserve it.
Homebuying is always so stressful – hang in there – you will get through it! So sorry to hear about your Mom – hope she is doing better.
Keep positive – you deserve good things and I’m sure things will go your way!
Take care!
I am keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers. We women have to juggle sooooo much. And we feel responsible for everyone/everything. Stress, depression, and anxiety are not strangers to me, either (read: I’m medicated). It sounds like you have a lot on your plate….it isn’t selfish to want it to be your turn. We all want that, whether we admit it or not. It certainly sounds as if you’ve paid your dues (and then some) and it really should be YOUR TURN. I’m sending huge and positive thoughts.
Sending you good thoughts.
I always assume everyone else’s life is running so much smoother than mine, that they are so much happier. I think I’m the only one who would answer “Hey, how are you?” with “OMFG, I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT I CAN’T EVEN BREATH!”. I know it’s not a tangible help to know you are not alone, but you are not alone [and reading this has helped me a bit, so thanks for that.].
Kinda breaks my heart to read this, Kelly. It seems that it really doesn’t matter how strong we are, how much we’ve been through, how much we deserve a break, how much it doesn’t need to be our turn to be put through the wringer (without wishing that it ought to be someone else’s turn…) – life can still stick it to us.
I don’t have any easy answers, and I don’t deal in platitudes. If there’s a way to be found, or a way to be made, may you find it, or make it. If anyone can, Kelly can.
you absolutely deserve a turn. I hope you get it sister.
much love going your way
xoxo
This, too, will pass. Think about it this way: right now, the biggest problems in your life are that your mother is sick and you’re having problems buying a house and you don’t know how you’ll find time to commit to what you need to do at your (pretty awesome) job. I KNOW there were times in your life where your problems were way, way worse. If you got through that, you’ll get through this.
Which doesn’t make right now any less stressful, it just shows you how much of a strong, wonderful, powerful lady you are and how you WILL get through everything.
Sending you much, much love from STL. You can do it. You will do it.
Don’t you love how often exactly what you need pops up right when you need it?
I know everything’s rough right now, but hang in there! Your turn is coming…
I’m sorry it feels like there’s major suckage everywhere you turn. That blows. We’re all rooting for you, though, Mocha.
And, as one of my favorite books says, “Some days [or weeks or month or years] are like that. Even in Australia.”
I’m not sure I have any pull with any powers that be, but just in case: IT’S KELLY’S TURN FOR SOMETHING GOOD! I MEAN IT!
Oh Mocha!
You spread such goodness into the universe that it is only a matter of time before it all comes back to you (that is, if you are a believer
) Hang in there!
Sandy
He is rarely early with providing, but He is always on time. This is something I tell myself frequently when I feeling like I have been doing a lot of giving and not seeing anything as a result. Know that in the background, all is being worked out in your favor. You just gotta believe and stay in a positive frame of mind. I am not Susie Sunshine by any means. By nature, I am rather melancholy, but I refuse to claim that bullcrap. Hold your head up and know that you will be provided for. I gotta a feeling…
Oh, how I understand. I still have a running list on my phone of things to buy just to catch up. Every time I am at Target, I make it a game to buy one thing from that list, whether it is a $3 trash can or $80 vacuum. It’s a tiny bit pathetic to get the thrill I do over ticking those things off of my list. But each item is one step closer to building the home I want. On my own. With my own scraped-up dimes and independence and determination. I look at the towels, the trash cans, the power tools and I think, “I did that.” And it gives me fuel for the bigger tasks and goals ahead — sending my kid to college, buying a new car, taking much-needed vacations, maybe even one day owning a home.
It’s all happening, darling. It’s hard to be patient. It’s hard to trust. It’s hard to be in a place of financial nuttiness. But it seems very clear it is all happening for you.
I hope things turn around for you soon! Hugs!
Thoughts and prayers that you get your turn soon, Kelly. There is nothing wrong with wanting that.
*Hugs Kelly…I hope things get better for you soon in the meantime, I will be thinking wonderful thoughts for you and your family. Hang in there, you’ll make it through this little valley.
I feel you on having to replace everything that you let go in the divorce. Did that myself last year, and I’m slowly rebuilding. I’m going to say ditto to what Lu said – He always provides. I have to remind myself that everything is in his His time, not mine. But I still want to stamp my feet sometimes and say but I need it NOW!
Prayers for your Mama for her health to improve. And God bless you, Mocha.
It definitely is your turn, and your mom’s. I hope that her health improves and that you are both able to settle into your new home smoothly. You’re an amazing woman. The weight you carry on your shoulders is tremendous, but you do it with such grace and power at the same time. My thoughts are with you. xoxo
My life is very different than yours, but when I’m stressing the last thing I want to hear is good wishes, so I’m going to tell you what I’d like to hear in your situation.
Your life is hard, I see that your life is hard, and I acknowledge the pain it puts you through. I also see that some of the pain is caused by your refusal to give up. Keep refusing, and the pain will shift. There is nothing to be gained from quitting.
May the force be with you! All we can do is keep on keepin’ on.
And yes Mommela, there are even Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days in Australia, according to Alexander’s mom. One of my favorites too!
Don’t worry about the guilty thoughts – we all have them. I work all kinds of hours, week in, week out, and never see any of it myself. Spending time with the people that are benefitting from it makes it all worthwhile.