What? Me post two days in a row in one week? Is the world coming to an end? (No, I just like to call this my summer posting series where I am far more consistent with the whole blogging thing.)
Not long ago I asked for help for something that normally I would have just tried to do on my own. Actually, I would have tried to do it and then failed miserably and you could find me in the corner somewhere chewing my hair. It was when I reached out to Twitter friends to help my mother get a bed at the hospital after she sat in the emergency room for over 12 hours. We showed up at 8:30 in the morning and by 2 pm the doctor we saw told us that he would be admitting her. I left to go home to shower and get her some things and returned about 4. Since they kept telling her that she’d go up at “any time now” I wasn’t concerned so I left to go out to dinner. By 7:30 she sent me a text message saying she still wasn’t in a room with a comfortable bed (comfort was KEY at this point for her pain) and then I freaked out. When I asked Twitter friends to call the hospital and demand that she get some help I had just gotten off the phone with the charge nurse who told me she got off at 10 pm and she wasn’t sure when a bed would be available. To make a long story short, it took 45 minutes for them to call me back and say that she was heading up to a room.
Don’t even get me started on health care in this country. I will end up chewing my hair again. I have already found my favorite corner of the room in which to do that.
It is at this point that I must stop and say a huge THANK YOU to anyone who called that night. The power of the Internet is never lost on me. Friends asked what they could do and some people, complete strangers to me, sent books that mom wanted to read. My sweet friend, Jeannette, whom I met in person via a Tweet Up, offered to go a few blocks down the street from her house in the pouring rain and sit with my mom until she was settled. A new friend, Jolie, who runs an incredibly crazy awesome site that sells her Junk Gypsy wares, sent me a goody box full of awesome stuff including this scarf that mom suggests stay in the front hall closet to be claimed as Community Property:
As yet, I have not left it in the front closet. It looks too fabulous with the color of my eyes.But this isn’t a picture of me. You knew that, right?
It was such a ridiculously nice outpouring of kindness that I felt it deserved mentioning.
The other thing that someone sent me was a link to caregivers who must also take care of themselves. Mom has lived with me for the past two years, but at this point there really is no end in sight as to when she would be able to live and care for herself on her own again. It’s funny how so many people comment on that, too. I told someone recently about it and he said, “That’s commendable. Most people wouldn’t do that these days.” I’m not so sure about that, but I suppose I can only speak for myself. The list was actually very good and the suggestions are in bold. My own additions are in italics.
1. Put your physical needs first. That includes eating chocolate chip cookies and fudge covered almonds, right? Because physically those things are just calling my name! See also: napping.
2. Connect with friends. I’ve been very good at this one lately. Many friends have visited just to see my new house and others have insisted that we have lunch together now that my summer hours permit that to happen.
3. Ask for help. I’m learning to do this more and more from both family and friends. If people offer to do things, I am letting them or else I know I will lose my shit.
4. Call on community resources. This one is harder for me because I feel helpless even when people tell me things. I’m probably gun shy where local and state help is concerned. I’m mostly afraid of hearing that she will be denied any assistance.
5. Take a break. I wanted to take a vacation this summer and go somewhere to relax. This isn’t going to happen. One, I bought a new house. Two, I can’t go away for extended times and be away from the house. Three, seriously? I just can’t do this.
6. Deal with your feelings. I am using colorful language a lot more often these days. Most of my feelings include some resentment and then with that comes guilt so I stuff them down deep and try not to let anyone peek at them.
7. Find time to relax. Luckily, I am reading a lot more these days and have devoured several books that have been waiting on my shelf. I’m also watching a lot of old black and white films. (On today’s list: Harvey and A Raisin in the Sun) Other than that, I have a lot of work to do with unpacking and organizing my new house. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I LOVE MY NEW HOUSE?
8. Get organized. New house. I keep saying that. Organization isn’t my strong suit, but moving sure helps you do that.
9. Just say no! What they meant by this is that you shouldn’t feel like you should do everything by yourself. Caregivers don’t remember to use assistance and then they get weary. I’m still working on how to fit this one into my life.
10. Stay positive. I have absolutely had it with negative energy! Things go wrong all the time. Life can be sucky. You can have things to fix on your new house right away and have to call a contractor already. The IRS can keep hounding me for that whopper of a bill for the second year in a row all they want. The World’s Longest Divorce can suck the life right out of you. But I’m not focusing on any of that because I can’t afford it. That’s far too expensive a debt to create, so I’m choosing joy once again in my life. And I’m choosing love, because I get it and I’m good at it.
Let’s hope love is enough with a few naps and some delicious chocolate thrown in, too.
I hope your mom’s enjoyed the randumb variety of books I left with her. I still have no clue why I brought a 1988 yearbook (I graduated in 1996) where all inscriptions where to a ‘Rodney.’ I don’t even know anyone named Rodney; must’ve been a thrift store purchase.
Once again, my life is in turmoil, chaos, financial stress, too much change to handle, no direction, no income, new house, the list goes on — It’s easier for me to help others who need help more than I do. Otherwise my plans that night were to sit in a corner and hysterically cry. Going to the hospital for a few hours was MUCH better. Your mom rules!
I should show you all the photos I took (I’d upload them to flickr, but no damn Internet), wandering around that joint well after midnight. I’m still surprised no one said anything to me when I was beating that ‘Native’ drum in the church. And I wonder if my prayer card is still there? I wrote a prayer to get patients into a room in a more timely manner.
Here’s my 365 Portrait from that night:
Kelly, couldn’t you find just one more thing to pile on yourself??LOL Girl, you need some serious R&R. Or, just spend an evening enjoying some wine and your new house!! Hope your mom is ok.. I need you to message me your new address!
hugs,
Jean
1. Don’t really know your mom, but I know you rock & I’m assuming the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
2. Jeannette rocks. End of story.
3. That’s a great list for life in general, not just caretakers.
4. I think I want a lime slushy.
5. We need to do lunch soon.
6. Speaking of 6, she loves her nickname.
7. Now I’m just rambling.
8. Have a great day.
9. Or “caregivers”. D’oh!
10. I’m an idiot.
One of my very favorite quotes is this:
“I can handle anything that life throws at me – I may not be able to handle it well, or correctly, or gracefully, or with finesse, or expediently- but I will handle it. ”
You could call it my mantra
Hang in there!
Jeannette – Where’s the portrait? (All of yours are good!)
Jean – I will be sending you an email soon!
Jeff – 1. You rock. We will have lunch next week. End of story.
Patti – You’re the only non-J name of commenters so far. That makes you special. So does that great mantra that I will be memorizing. Thank you for sharing it!
I know that figuring out community resourses can be a nightmare but it can be SERIOUSLY worth it in the long run. It took a while, but my aunt figured out that stuff with my grandmother and when she did it took a huge weight off of her shoulders. There should be a ‘clearing house’ agency of sorts in your area that should be able to refer you to where you need to be looking. A ‘social worker’ that specializes in that stuff should be easy to find.
Oh, my goodness, you have so much on your plate, but I love your choice for joy. And cookies. I’ll keep you and your mom in my prayers.
I love the colour and theme of the scarf, but I hope you’ve found a different way to tie it because it’s a shame to hid a nice pair of boobs away like that… yours or hers.
My best wishes to your mom, you and your family. I’m forwarding this on to my 2EE, we are going through this with her parents right now as well. Please, please please reach out to the government agencies now. The horrible amount of paperwork involved to get care lined up needs to be tackled as early as possible, especially if your mother has any assets to protect. Next, go get a pound or 87 of chocolate covered almonds. Almonds come from a tree, chocolate comes from a plant, there fore this is a healthy snack. Take what little joys you can, when ever you can.
All perfectly sensible, and yet, for me, so much easier said than done.
great list, sugar! we’re caring for my husband’s 88 year old mother right now, so your list is a gentle reminder for us. thank you and all the best for your mother and YOU! xoxo
(came over via 1 step beyond.)