Summer madness is most definitely here and the bugs are out. Bugs love me. There is something magical and unicorn-like in my blood that makes them flock to me and stick their prickly things into my skin and feed off of me. One of my sons (and I can’t say which one) (even though I’m fairly certain that they think my blog is entirely stupid and don’t read it) has the same unicorn-like blood and got extremely bitten while he went swimming the other day. He kept bugging me (PUN! PUN! Attention: PUN!) about finding him some anti-itch cream and since I’ve busily putting things away in my new house and trying to find logical places for them I found it difficult to focus on this task. He followed me around the house asking for the cream and he was like Could you find the stuff, mom, I’m itching a lot and I was all Look, I’m trying to make my own likeness into a bobblehead, can’t you see I’m busy? Now, where did I put those purple paper clips? but he was not at all amused and kept following me so that I had to turn around at different intervals just to see if he was standing there behind me all creepy-like and clucking his tongue and putting his hand on his hip to show his displeasure.
This is how you know you’re a mom. When people won’t leave you alone and you haven’t been able to pee uninterrupted since the Clinton administration. See also: stretch marks and a mini-van cluttered with sports equipment and bandages and tampons. So it’s only logical that I would get flustered with my son’s pestering and go into my bathroom closet that my friends helped me organize which means I don’t know where ANYTHING is and I began throwing things out of the closet behind me in a heap while my itchy son stood there scratching his bug bites and then I threw something at him that had the words “itch cream” on it and the next day I realized that it was vaginal itch cream and I doubled over and howled with laughter because I helped spread it ALL OVER HIS BODY. I’m pretty sure that I’m never going to tell him this story but that’s what you get for hounding me about itch cream when you knew I was otherwise engaged in a meaningless project, son.
Let this be a lesson to you, oh children of mine. Don’t mess with momma when she’s busy.
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*THUNK*
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah, but the question of the day (while I clean up the coffee I just sprayed all over my keyboard!) is: Did it work?
Karen, sorry for the banging of your head on your keyboard. Want me to mend your wound or are you afraid of what I’ll give you now?
Amazingly, it worked. I can’t quite believe it, but he’s no longer scratching.
I just spit soda out of my nose.
And, yet, strangely, I find myself adding that to my shopping list because, I, too, have unicorn-like blood. And, no one has to know… right?
Um… I think I just pee’d
Look, Phoenix Rising, no one has to know. You can even shop in the privacy of your own home and order it to be delivered in the mail. It’s not like they’ll write VAGINAL ITCH CREAM all over the box.
Janie, you only peed because you’re pregnant. But maybe also because you could guess which son this is. You used to babysit him as an infant.
WOW. That is HILARIOUS!!!
I have the opposite of your blood, Kelly (bugs never bite me, ever. I suspect that I am either too spicy or my blood is a powerful biochemical acid and nobody’s bothered to tell me), but I’ll be adding this to my mental database of emergency remedies/blackmail ideas.
*snickering*
i.love.this.story.
xoxox
Too funny!
Although he does get what he deserves for pestering you so much, next time try dabbing ammonia on the bites. I have the same blood as you and it works like a charm for me.
So glad I wasn’t drinking anything while reading this post, or else there would be more cleaning to do. You also forgot to mention that as the mom, you’re the only one in the house who can answer the phone. I remember vividly a few years ago, I had snuck upstairs to pee (I only use my bathroom–you do not want to use the same toilet that my kids use!). Anyway, the phone starts ringing, and I hear kids yelling “phone! phone!” and then I hear my husband saying, “where is Meg?” and I’m on the toilet thinking “really? nobody can answer the damn phone?”
Actually, now my kids can and do answer the phone–and they routinely race me to the phone. And they answer it every time. They don’t get that caller ID is so you can choose to IGNORE certain calls. And after they answer (well before I can check the caller ID), they then hand off the phone to me with that blank look like “it’s an alien–here, take this.”
If summer madness means you’re posting often, I’m all for it. And yesterday’s post is still swirling around in my head–don’t read blog posts when cooking hot dogs–there’s not enough time to properly digest (PUN! see, I can do it too!) what you’re reading.
So yeah… I’ll resist the point and laugh when I see him… HOWEVER.. there will be internal giggling and this story will be told at his wedding reception… I’m just saying!
Claire, I’m wondering about a blood exchange program now. Make that happen.
savannah, there are just too many of these stories to write out all the time. I should be more embarrassed.
Kathy G, what? Ammonia? No kidding. Even those buffalo gnat bites? Because I got my comeuppance the next day when I was bitten by one.
Meg, that was a darn good hot dog pun. And please teach your children the art of ignoring a phone call. It saves so many headaches!
DeLaMi, you may retell this at his wedding. Maybe even bring a tube of it for him. Wrap it up as a wedding present1
Let me start off by saying I’m sorry you had to have “that” itch cream in the first place. At least it wasn’t your Preperation H, which I’m sure you only use for wrinkles.
Hey, I knew a guy that would only use Vagisil between his legs when it got hot in the summer. He said it kept his sweaty balls from getting a heat rash.
Thank you for making me laugh really hard. I needed that today. Boowahahaahahaaha! AWESOME.
LMAO!!!! I just found your blog a few weeks ago and I have to say that I LOVE you….. and not in a stalker creepy way. Just in a want to take you to lunch and laugh over margaritas kind of way.
The purple paperclips are probably in the “junk” drawer in the kitchen. Next to the extra part that was left over when you reversed the door on the fridge, because any fool can do that.
39 yrs ago we lived in FLA. Our g.p. served the elderly as you can imagine. My son was the ONLY baby in the practice! From the early style pampers he got a yeast infection, hideous, the doc prescribed a vaginal cream for it and knocked it out immediately. Could that be why he is so aloof now? Was that my fatal mothering mistake? Did vaginal cream applied to his ass make him the gun freak he is today? AHH I have just had a breakthrough moment. I love summer when you write more–I really did laugh out loud.
AWESOME story!
FWIW, the exact same creams for yeast infections are used for athlete’s foot. (And sometimes are used for thrush, which may be what happened with @lindajones.) Check the active ingredients. Now that I know, I always check both aisles and buy whatever is cheaper.
Jil, I get that a lot. You’d be surprised, however, that I am much more fun when the margaritas are near a pool. Seriously.
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