Dear 20-Something Kelly,

Well, now those teen years have really seemed to bite you in the ass, haven’t they? Here you are with a couple of kids already and you’re still trying to enjoy and figure out your 20s. What’s done is done. We won’t try to backtrack now. Not only will it do you no good, but you will start to get down on yourself for being irresponsible again.

You did the most responsible thing you could. That will serve you well later in life. Keep doing it.

Explore your body more. It’s already given life to four human beings by the time it was 23 and the damage (read: stretch marks) is already done so just find out what you like about your body. You have a great derriere and really shapely legs. Wear more short skirts while you can.

Ask more guys out on dates and look for the older ones because the boys your age won’t be able to handle the kid thing. I’m so proud of you for hitting on that hot professor when you were working a party for the university. He was smart and attractive and you’ve never dated a guy named Roger before. Don’t worry that he turned you down. He was flattered. More importantly, you stepped out of your comfort zone. Well done, Kelly!

It’s okay to ask for help from people. Do that more often and stop being such a martyr. Which reminds me: read The Hero Within early in your 20s and recognize that you’re on a journey. Identify with any of the six archetypes and recognize that you’re constantly moving in and out of those phases.

Cut your damn hair. The split ends are horrible. Long hair is NOT your pride nor is it your glory. Please quit getting your hair relaxed because it’s killing it. Learn more about your natural curls because once you figure out how to get them to behave you will absolutely love it and will look amazing.

Here’s something you do well: you laugh a lot. You have fun. Your sense of humor will get you through quite a few things to come in the future so keep developing that. Don’t be embarrassed by your hearty laugh. Later you will realize that it’s infectious.

School for you will always be hard but someday you will learn that there are two types of students: 1) those to which learning comes easily and 2) those who have to work really hard. You are the second type. But! I have news for you! You will learn best by talking through it. Find people in your classes who will converse with you about the subject. This will come to you much later than it should have so I’ll remind your 20-something self of this right now: you are smart. You are intelligent. You are brilliant even. It’s right and proper for you to feel it.

You will always be conscious of racism. Call it like you see it. This will make other people uncomfortable, but in the best of circumstances you will open a dialogue to talk about it civilly.

Take more advice from your parents. You stole parenting from them in your teens and made a mess of that, so remember to ask them for advice because they won’t know how to give it to you when you’re acting all know-it-all-ish. Show some humility.

Figure out what love really means to you right now. Do it! Right this second! Ask yourself what it means to have people love you, tell them by what means you feel loved and then either accept it or move on.

In your late 20s you will find a tumor in your ovary but it’s nothing to be scared of because it’s benign. Push on your doctor more to take the time to find it so that it doesn’t grow and get so big. Be an advocate for your health. Oh, and ask for that yeast infection medication EVERY TIME the doctor prescribes you an antibiotic. Weekend yeast infections are a pain in the…well, you know what.

Set boundaries with people you think are your friends. You will be able to stand up to them when they try to guilt you and pull the Christian Card because by the time you’re in your 30s you will recognize it as an excuse to treat you like shit and take no responsibility for themselves. You will identify it much quicker later on in life, but if you could learn this earlier would you please try?

Get a pre-nuptial agreement. No, it’s not unromantic. It’s practical. What else have you been but practical? You will wish you had this later on because your definition of “fair” will change from what it is now. People grow and change dramatically in a marriage and it will absolutely mortify you when you learn what “fair” means to other people. That pre-nup would have saved you a lot of heartache.

Stop doing those sissy runs and really do something long distance. In the metaphorical sense, you may have to run very far to see who comes after you.

Wear more flowers behind your ear.

Having a breakdown is not a weakness. It is a sign that you can’t handle it all yourself.

When you get that big lump of money that one year (you will know the one) you should buy yourself a great computer and add to your lens collection for your camera. It won’t be a selfish thought, it would be an investment. But you won’t do that. You’ll do something else that is also important, but then you’ll be sad that you didn’t take care of yourself later on. Forgive yourself.

You are loved plenty. Accept it. Take it in and drink it up.

Something you do really well is stand up for yourself. Push harder on that and it will be practice for later in life. It will not make you a bitch, but people will still call you one. Don’t let that bother you at all. Just because people say it doesn’t make it true.

Remember that you’re not solely a mother in your 20s. You are a woman and you are becoming one quickly. Embrace that womanhood.

Take a multivitamin and eat more raw foods.

With love,

39-year old Kelly

*With gratitude to Ellyn Spragins and her “Letters to My Younger Self” and to Cassie Boorn’s blog project which ended up on NPR featuring a picture of my dear friend, Karen of Chookooloonks.