Last week my friend Alex sent me this giant time sucker of a website called That Can Be My Next Tweet and it sort of summed up all my thoughts from this past week when I didn’t have so much work to do and chronicled my life.
It was pretty fun to play with it and then I realized that my friend Jenny had previously posted it so I considered NOT posting it here because I didn’t want to be a copycat but I have already collected a dozen or so new wigs and a pet stuffed alligator so I thought, why not?
I use my vodka differently but I like to run away from the pack like that.
Bathtubs are mobile, yo.
I didn’t even update my resume this week, let alone shave it.
It’s not really a gift if it’s toxic.
I promise that my week did not include opening a face or a butt. PROMISE.
Whose cheeks? Whose finger?
Apparently, I really wanted people to come over. I think it was to do laundry in the new machine? I don’t know.
I’m not getting engaged. I promise. But yes, he’s awesome. We just want to be awesome as single people.
No, seriously. I’m not getting engaged. I thought we covered this.
No, I *make* mistakes. Lots of them. But hopefully, I am not *one* of them.
Yes, the information. Everyone is thinking of it.
They are utterly ridiculous and that was my favorite part about it. My week was spent gardening, talking to one of my best friends on the phone and learning she is now engaged, purchasing a new washer and dryer and asking Twitter for advice on the scam issue of “high efficiency” detergent, and volunteering at the local Ronald McDonald House with a few of my students (more on that later). But this? It summed up my life this week in nuggets of wisdom that are better than any fortune cookie I have ever read.
Those remind me of the random spam comments I’m always clearing out of the moderation cache of one of my company’s blogs.
Stop drinking fabric softener. Your liver will be very soft but that’s not necessarily good.
“I don’t like you. INSTANTLY.”
I think I’m going to start using that in conversation. This is probably why I have no friends.
In my case, That Can Be My Next Tweet seems to be using some sort of advanced algorithm to identify my drunken tweets and RT them as new material.
Exhibit A: I’m doing it up until 4am just under control. Taking a tornado in my favorite stripe combo today.
Exhibit B: Back to bed is enough. Now you talking about thinking beach, something, bEaCh, other stuff, BEACH.
Drunk tweets.
I can’t tell whether it’s my twitter fast or my grammar nerdiness that has me cracking up here. I even got a tear. Thanks for the laugh. I do feel like I’ve somehow cheated on my fast.