As a parent, I would say I’m fairly Old School in terms of how I expect my children to behave. What I say is Law and there’s no arguing with me. My children know this and have had to learn some difficult lessons. That’s not to say that I’m unbending or unwilling to make some decisions democratically. One phrase that is absent from the way I mother my kids is “Because I said so” because it never gets to that point. They just know. One look does it all. Normally, that look is this:
This is the look that says, “You MUST be talkin’ crazy.”
So, when I was asked about my thoughts on a new product on the market called SoberLink, I was more than happy to give my perspective. I know. You probably expected me to be very shy about an opinion I have.
While I have parented all my children differently many things are consistent. We talk about things before the need arises to make a decision about them. They know that natural consequences await them when they fail to meet the expectations I set. Once, when my oldest decided to slam her door after being upset about something we were discussing, I went to the garage and got the tools to remove her door. “If you can’t respect my house and the doors I let you have to your bedroom then you can’t have a door.” Honestly, it really was just once. The other kids saw her punishment as something they didn’t want to suffer so no doors have been slammed since.
Mallory, my oldest child, was also the one to test the waters. As a freshman in high school she asked to attend a party of a boy I didn’t know so I agreed but told her that I would be walking her to the door and that I expected to meet his parents and let them know that underage drinking wasn’t allowed. I also expected to tell the parents that I hoped they would supervise. Mallory hated every minute of that walk to the door but no amount of sighing and sucking her teeth and rolling her eyes would stop me. When the mom met us at the door she assured me that she would heed my requests and that she wasn’t that kind of parent, either. (Sidenote: Mallory ended up dating him and still does to this day. TEN YEARS LATER.) (Luckily, I ended up adoring him and his mom. Because? Ten years, people!)
Since I’ve started researching SoberLink I have come to respect and understand why a parent would use this. First of all, it’s an accountability piece that uses technology and I love technology. Secondly, I don’t have to allow my kids to do everything their hearts desire. I am not afraid if my children are upset with me when I lay down the law. It’s my job.
Here is how the product works: it’s a device that a teen takes with them when they leave the house and they use it to blow into while it simultaneously takes a picture of them and reads their BAC (blood alcohol content). Once they’ve completed it, a photo of them using SoberLink and a reading of their BAC is sent to the parents’ cell phone. Now, I see how this can be viewed as controversial, but if I didn’t have trust to begin with in my relationships with my children then this would seem like an intrusion. However, I am not of the school of thought that children have to be given untethered privacy when they haven’t earned it. I believe parents should have built that foundation of trust to begin with and that if that isn’t there kids probably wouldn’t be open to using something like this.
Of course I want my children to earn trust and have autonomy, but that has to be doled out in small doses until the trust is there. When I asked my youngest about it he said he thought it was a good idea and agreed to use it if I wanted him to take it with him when he went out. The moment you place a set of car keys in your child’s hand to drive away from you is the moment you realize you wish you had all the control in the world, but that’s not realistic.
SoberLink has sponsored this post, but I am not currently using the product. Instead, I wonder as a mom and an educator what other parents think of something like this. Is it realistic to ask teens to take a device with them to check in with parents? Is this the new extreme in parenting when we can’t be with our teenagers at all times? Or is this a good idea that has merit and is well-received?
What do you think?
Here’s a video on the product in case you want to see it in action before answering:
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
At first I said “OH HELL NO! How creepy is that?” But now I’m thinking- what if teenager cars were equipped with that all the time (a-la-court ordered ones)? Lord knows I drove drunk and people we knew growing up were damaged beyond repair in drunk driving accidents. For me- I have to allow my son’s judgment where he is in a fairly “safe” environment to test the waters. But a car is not the place to test. Then again- mine’s 3 so who knows how I will feel in 10-15 years?
Lesjo, I had the same first initial reaction. Then, I wondered how many lives this would save considering how many adults (parents, even!) have damaged their lives and their cars with driving drunk. If it saves a life, then it covers all the “creepy” first impression.
Ok- now I watched the video and I see that’s sort of how they are suggesting using it. Big difference between asking them to send an image every hour, for example. Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right.
Oh! I love what you said about the tool being a weapon! (I wasn’t going to comment twice on your response, but that was really well said!)
I think it’s a good idea. If the kids aren’t drinking, they don’t have anything to worry about. At the same time, I some experimentation with drinking is normal in high school, and I hope that the tool is not something that parents would abuse. I think it is better to talk about safe and unsafe behaviors re: drinking instead of “don’t drink until you’re 21,” because that is unrealistic for most kids.
Whenever I consider that I recall that my oldest went to Europe where they drink something with the evening meal and, from what I know, they don’t have nearly the problems American teenagers have with drinking in moderation. Teaching alcohol responsibility is a part of that job. And, yes, if they’re not drinking, they don’t have to worry!
You know what, I consider myself on the liberal side of liberals… But I’m fine with this. How many lives could it save if each parent asked their kids to use it.
Between the ages of 15 and 21, I lost about 9 friends to the road. 9 wasted lives, and I’m not even talking about the other people in the cars with them, or the other cars that were involved, because I didn’t know those people. But if I count, then that around what? 30 people or more who’s lived were lost? Or badly injured? What about the families and friends left behind?
So yeah, I’m all for it. Go out, have fun, blow into the darn machine.
I had great parents in that aspect (they completely sucked in other aspects) because they would always drop me off (and my friends) and pick us up at a given hour, and my mom would even wait the extra hour in the car while I finished dancing. I’m amazed at how she did it. I might write and say thank you for that.
Cheers.
I love the qualifier, Miss A. I’m on the liberal side of liberals, too, but considering that you lost 9 friends (that is the highest number of anyone I’ve ever heard between those ages!) I can only imagine how this would have helped. I am so sorry for what you’ve had to experience.
Your mom totally deserves that thank you card. She sounds amazing.
I believe in using this for myself when I get older (not that I would drink) but just for my parents trust. She should know what I am doing at all times. I actually will feed this information so it can keep me safe and keep her from having a nervous breakdown.
Hi, Ana! I am positive, knowing your mother, that she would be grateful to hear what you have to say about this product. Mostly, I want you and other teens to be safe. I’m so glad you want that, too.
My oldest is only 3+ years away from having the ability to get his license. I was drinking at his age. His friends talk about drinking. This combination of facts has me brainstorming and researching how to navigate the next years.
My only fear with this type of product is it seems like another lazy way out of solid parenting, for some people.
We talk about drinking with him. About drugs, choices, death, addiction, driving, responsibility. These aren’t just a quick conversation and off he goes – this is ongoing. There is no replacement for that, and while I’m not saying the company who made this product is trying to do that, there are parents who might give this to their kids without the important conversations that need to happen.
If, after we build all this mutual trust, I shove this in his hand and explain it, would it make him wonder if we truly trusted him? Does something break there? I’m not saying it would – it’s just a question. The only way I’ll know for sure is to talk to him about it, just like everything else. He and I will be back later to allow him the chance to read your post and watch the video. Thanks for the spark, Kelly.
Well I am not on the liberal side of liberals… I love the message that is going on here. The take away that I see everyone talking about is… this is a tool to use to teach children how to drink responsibly. And it is just that… a tool… one of many in the aresnal of parents to help mold their kids into productive citizens. My parents let us drink at home with them when we got older. It sounds worse then it was… My mom said, if I let you drink with me here… I have some control over how much, where you go, etc. The only thing they asked was that we ask for permission and not to drink outside the home. Because they allowed it, there was no driving desire to go find out what it was about. None of the three of us kids were at parties drunk when we were in high school. There was no need. So I think it boils down to communicate, communicate, communicate. Then do your level best to protect them as much as you can and trust that you have done a good job. This device seems like one of those protection pieces.
I watched the video. I pondered different scenarios of it’s use.
#1. Your doesn’t think you trust him, and resents having to use it. Clever kid learns how to defeat the technology, or just gets drunk to spite his parents and uses it to show the parents how drunk he is at a place where they told him he didn’t have permission to go.
#2. Rebellious kid uses it each time he has a beer to progressively watch his blood alcohol level go up until he passes out. It becomes a new drinking game with his/her friends.
#3. The athlete or good kid uses it as an excuse for getting out of drinking and over peer pressure at parties, i.e. “Sorry, can’t drink tonight. Mom’s got me chained to the SoberLink.”
#4. It’s useful for someone in rehab who has to report to his alcohol parole officer.
#5. Parents use this technology as a crutch to get out of having an honest relationship with their kids where communication is key.
If you are requiring your child to use this what message are you sending to him or her?
#1. I trust you, but I don’t think you are responsible to not be without it, because you are still a child.
#2. I trust you, but I want to give you an “out” with your friends so you can blame it on me when they want you to drink.
#3. You are not responsible enough to be without this, and I don’t trust you. You are not leaving the house without it so I can make sure you aren’t getting drunk somewhere I don’t approve of.
How can you NOT be sending your child one of those three messages?
SPARK
In number 1, “Your CHILD”, typo….
Wonder how quickly kids would “lose” the device?
Mrs. Whickam ur do awesome!
If I thought my kids would drink and drive they would not have access to a car. Period.
I am not naive enough to think that none of my teens (my four kids are now 26, 21, 18 & almost-17) have ever had a drink before their 21st birthdays, but I do know that even the ones that are of legal drinking age use and have been designated drivers.
I parent very much like you do–and my youngest daughter has stayed home rather than have me do the meet the parents thing. We used to tell the kids that we believe in “trust, but verify.”
I wonder, if this had been around when I was a kid, would I have ended up an alcoholic at 16?