I was waiting for this.

Not really all that safe for work. You know, the work that the men in the Dodge commercial were sooooo upset about going to for fear that they’d be, like, responsible or something.

The best part about writing a blog is that it’s a time capsule for your life. A narcissistic time capsule, yes, but something that marks your growth and change nonetheless. Actually, I still think that Jay has the best tagline for a blog because it sums it up so very well: “Blogging is just masturbating without the mess.”

January

We rang in the new year with the 44th President of the United States. I also began referring to myself as “Obama Black” instead of “mixed” or “mulatto” because I have often argued that I will not be “black” just for the sake of convenience on my part or on the part of anyone else who wants to use me. It was a cold, cold day in Washington but a bright, happy day in my heart.

February

During the Love Month when I was singularly sad that Valentine’s Day would come and go without a special someone with which to share it. Instead, I dedicated it to myself and learned to love things about myself. A short recap: I love that I’m nice. That’s it. NICE. It’s nice to be nice. It’s totally underrated. See that smile? It’s the smile of a NICE PERSON.

March

It may seem silly to some people, but I did something very brave and cut off a ton of my hair. Then, I started doing something so tragically hipster: I bought an iPhone and started taking pictures of my new, short hair.

April

I turned 456 months old. That’s 38 in people years. It was more fun to give that in months just to watch people do the mental math. My friend, Tracy, made me some new pretty earrings for my birthday that I could wear with my new short hair. I love all my pretty, dangly earrings. 

May

As if it’s not fun enough to turn 38, my eldest child Mallory turned 23 and I wrote a post to honor her since she’s known me longer (and better) than just about anybody else in my life. Go ahead. Do your mental math again. I’ll wait. I’m totally used to this.

June

My only living grandparent has always been my Gramma Maggie. She passed away in June. 

July

After returning home from an emotionally-charged BlogHer (for me, not everyone) I was feeling very sad about working in a poverty-stricken school and got really sick of these blowhards who think everything is owed to them. A little smackdown ensued and I still don’t feel bad for calling them out on their bad behavior. 

August

Due to that big mouth of mine in July I got a call from NPR to do not one but two radio interviews with them. As an aside, that led to people here in Springfield contacting me and saying, “OMG, you’re like national. Who are you?”

September

My other daughter, Maddie, came to spend her first birthday with us. I placed her for adoption as an infant in an open adoption (see, Karen, how I say placed and not gave away?) and then she contacted me and is a part of our family in the most unique way. This is our new family picture with all four of my kids which we took the first time Maddie visited. Dare I say, the first time she came home? Yes. I do.

October

This is the month where I put my money where my mouth was. Or, if you will, I put my mouth-that-knows-how-to-ask-for-donations where my purse is. Wait. That didn’t make sense. Basically, I got a purse drive organized for the girls at my school and it still touches me today to know of the amazing kindness of the internet. It’s a beautiful thing to recognize how many friends I have out there who want to make a difference. 

November

Once again, I joined Mrs. Kennedy and her quest to post writing every day of the month for NaBloPoMo. My own favorite thing I did during November was write a bucket list of things I really want in life. I think this holds me accountable as we usher in the New Year and I plan on coming back to it as it fits into the things I get done. 

December

My friend Janie and I reconnected. Apparently, we also eat suckers together. Blow Pops rock.

Have a safe New Year’s Eve and a satisfying 2010. It’s been fun sharing this with you and you make it all worth it. You’re all pretty fantastic and I think you have the best smile. Really. You do. Is that from all the flossing you do, because wow, you really do have some awesome chompers there. I really do love you guys.

It’s annoying when people are, well…annoying. It’s not everyone, but lately it seems like there is a full moon every single day and The Crazy is just oozing out all over the place. It’s like Annoying is the word of the day. Like my life is sponsored by Annoying. Like this message is brought to you by ANNOYING.

To the neighbor lady who yelled at my dog tonight as I was walking her and she stopped to sniff her flowers and she screamed, “Get outta there!” to her but then refused to answer me and engage with me, a human, when I said in my best Al Pacino Lindsay Lohan Robert de Niro voice, “Are you talking to me? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?” – May a thousand cats piss in your yard and then take a dump.

To my stomach who appears to want to be full-on lactose intolerant and won’t let me even eat a piece of cheese – May you just stop that. Right now. 

To the father who got mad at me when I was disciplining his son and he told me that he’d gladly come up to school and tell me how to “do that damn job of yours” – May your brain cells touch one another so you can “do that damn job of yours” of parenting.

To the media who fail to remember Journalism 101 and fact-check stories – May your stories come back to bite you in the ass because you get called on it.

To the people who butt in line even though they’re grown ups and do it to children who know unfair when they see it – May your debit card be declined the next time you do that.

To the Facebook friends who use capital letters for every update – May your days in class when grammar was taught come back to you so that you STOP YELLING EVERY SINGLE UPDATE.

To the chili with extra kidney beans I made for dinner – May you be doused in Beano the next time I make you.

In an effort to save time in the writing process I considered using this writing space to figure some things out with the help of the commenters (that’s you, in case you didn’t know) (even though, yes, you’re smarter than I am and of course you knew that!) In this quest, I realized that more than anything I have more questions than answers:

Why are my teachers working harder than the students? Why does our AYP look so bleak and pathetic? When will we see some turnaround from all our efforts?

Why do students insist on getting more and more piercing knowing that it will be refused in our school building? When will our school board give up that ghost and just let them do it? Why don’t I care that much about facial piercings when I know that it will be difficult for some of my students to get a job with all that stuff in their face?

How is it that trying to fit in an apple a day is so hard? Why have I carried the same apple to work three days in a row and not eaten it?

How can I expect my students and my own children to be respectful when they see grown folks on television shouting at the president, taking microphones away from young singers to spout off about who should have won an award, and fans who vandalize the home of sports players? Am I the only parent trying to instill some respect and thought into my children?

Does anyone make coffee-flavored bed sheets so that I stop rushing to the kitchen in the morning to brew a cuppa? Should I start wearing coffee-colored clothing since I spill it on me so very much?

Why are women so HORRID to one another and go for the jugular when they’re upset with another woman? Will I ever encounter another female who doesn’t turn into a psychotic maniac when she’s pissed off about something? Will I ever turn into that woman and backstab other women as much as they seem to come after me?

Are people sending their children to public schools more because they can no longer afford private tuition? Have our numbers ever been this high at the beginning of a school year?

Do you floss your teeth on a regular basis or just when you know you’re visiting the dentist soon?

Am I ever going to get some respite from this financial crap and stop being punished for trying to make more money to support my shoe habit family?

Will Tyra Banks ever quit trying to pretend like she’s sympathetic to Black women and their hair issues? 

Are my efforts to be more green (taking my own grocery bags, walking whenever I am able, turning off the lights when I’m not using them, recycling) really making much of a difference?

What is the best wrinkle cream to use around the eye area? Why can’t I afford the brand I’ve been using anymore? 

Where are my favorite pair of green and yellow underwear? Huh? Where?

Does any of this make sense?

Who said that all paragraphs need to have cohesion? Oh, all my former English teachers. Well, they didn’t have a blog and I do SO THERE.

One of the fun things about writing is that you can have all sorts of categories. I went to dinner with a new friend Jeannette (who does, indeed, eat more than just spaghetti, she eats Thai noodles!) this week and she has one that I want to steal but I won’t. Basically, it has to do with the fact that she isn’t sponsored by anything on that post. The reason I bring this up is that sometimes I sit to write and OH, WITH THE WRITING FLOW, THAR SHE BLOWS! and other times I can’t seem to make a sentence stick without too many cuss words so I have to re-think it until it sounds like I am coherent and can string a bunch of damn words together and then I realize that I should just start with a category. Just now, when I sat down to write I realized that I almost clicked on the “Feelin’ Good Wednesday” category and my brain registered, “It’s Thursday, asshole“ and that immediately made me realize why I drink margaritas on Fridays. It’s because of Thursdays. It’s always Thursday’s fault.

Health Care Reform has brought out the absolute crazy in people. First of all, we need to get some people some combs for their hair and maybe some bleach to clean their clothes because PEOPLE, YOU LOOK A MESS. The funny thing is that when some television station snatches them up it’s a combination I’m-Going-To-Reiterate-My-Yelling-Into-Softer-Spoken-Words and Someone-Give-Them-a-Makeover-Please and it’s really quite bizarre. I may or may not have mentioned that a few weeks ago when I was in Chicago that I got invited to have lunch with Valerie Jarrett, a Senior Advisor to President Obama. I also may or may not have mentioned that before our luncheon I was talking to Loralee who expressed to me how nervous she was about saying TA-TAs in front of Valerie Jarrett. If you read her long-ass post today you will get a view of a real person struggling with the issues of health care and insurance. In the meantime, I’m starting a petition to get people to brush their hair before going out in public.

The best parts of my job all involve the human aspect of it. When I sit down with families to register their child for high school and they decide on the classes I guide them through it’s a phenomenal thing. Last week on the very first day of registration Leah came in with her mom. Leah pilfered away her freshman year and bounced around from class to class (“This is too haaaard.” she’d whine and if she didn’t get her way she’d just fail it.) and then she bounced from school to school. They’ve since come back to my high school and Leah spent the time waiting for me outside my office texting like a fiend on her cell phone. She took off when it was her turn to come in and register with her mother and I informed her that she’d be a Freshman again because of her lack of credits. She flew off the handle, cussing at her mother, stomping around, and then she walked out even when her mom told her to come back and sit down. Her mom sat in my office chair in tears lamenting how she’d done everything wrong and that she doesn’t know what to do with her. “Well, first off,” I began quietly, “you might want to take that cell phone from her. Why does she get to sit here and make social plans with her friends when she can’t make it to the 10th grade?” In all honesty, I’m glad I can say things like that in my line of work and not get my teeth knocked in but there are days when I think someone is going to be pissed at me for shooting them straight. The meeting, like so many that I have, ended with me comforting a parent and offering tissues and encouraging words. TEENAGERS? YOU ARE ON NOTICE FROM ME RIGHT NOW. I mean, uh, let the school year begin!

Learned: there is such a thing as a second choice booty call. I asked this question of everyone I knew last week. This week I learned:  there also is such a thing as a person who can renege the original booty call. What you will NOT learn: how I discovered this new learning.

This needs to be a thing: Brownies + Nutella + glitter. Someone needs to get on that.

It’s great how when I mention hair I get suggestions (thank you for the diffuser advice!) and yet I’m struggling still because of this weird curl/crimp look of the front of my hair and the perfect ringlet curls in the back. So every day I’ve started curling the front of it with a curling iron and it gets out of control until I’m late for work and all I can hear in my head is Daryl Hannah’s twangy Southern voice from “Steel Magnolias” when she says, “I promise. My personal problems will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.” and then I laugh. Because of the voices in my head. 

SOMEONE may need some medication due to this. SOMEONE may also need to write better paragraphs. SOMEONE also took a picture of said hair with her phone again.