While she is here for her birthday, Maddie was asked to pick the winner of the laptop from Acer and she came up with Mamacita’s number! Congratulations, Mamacita! Contact me with your address information at the e-mail over there on the left sidebar to get your prize. Thanks to everyone who entered! It was fun to read about all the back to school rituals people have.

In other Back-To-School news, BlogHer has published a letter I wrote from an educator’s point of view to parents of my students.

Finally, I used a Neti Pot. That’s not really interesting news, but it was a moment I’ll not soon forget. Unfortunately, it came amidst the birthday festivities last night and I’m hoping all the kids will instead remember Red Velvet cupcakes and the Mel Brooks film festival we had last night.

It seems very strange for me to begin this post with, “Man! Y’all do some really stupid stuff!” but it’s true. I’m sorry. You do. But it’s ok! I do, too! All the time. I’m probably doing something stupid right now and won’t figure it out until next Thursday. This time, however, I asked you to share because I had a book and a surprise to giveaway. The comments made it difficult to choose but in the end I have come up with a winner.

I chose Heather from Unproductive Reproduction (or maybe it’s actually called Production Not Reproduction and you see? right there? Me=stupid.) because it was such a silly thing she did to set out for one destination and end up at another. Thus, not actually picking up her children. (Heather’s brand of “stupid” is something I would do. Maybe I have. I’m too stupid to remember.)

Send me an email, Heather! I promise to drive to the post office to mail this and possibly end up at the dry cleaners to pick up clothing I dropped off sometime last Fall. And then, I’ll turn around and actually get to the post office. Ok. So email me. I’ll get your book and surprise in the mail and won’t tell readers what it is until you get it.

Let’s move on to something cool because all this stupid going around the solar system of my brain is going to make me chicken out of sending in my application to Mensa.

Maddie came to visit us this entire past week for her Spring Break and it was pretty darn awesome. Even cooler, she set out to get a tattoo. In my handwriting.

Haven’t I told you this stuff before?

Anyway, she loves the poem by e e cummings entitled “i carry your heart”. One of the few letters she ever received during the open adoption we had gave her the idea for this. For years she had only seen my handwriting and never a picture of me. This, coupled with the fact that Mallory has a tattoo with my handwriting coupled with the fact that she does, indeed, carry my heart led her to this:

And now? I’ve written on my daughters and they will have it forever. The ink may fade, but my heart? All my children take that with them everywhere they go.

Puh-lease. I couldn’t go braless. It’s not fashionable anymore. That was so last year.

I’ve been doing this blog thing for a while. I’ve been in education longer.

I am always touched by the lovely comments people leave when I start talking about My Work and the students that come before me. Then I write something sort of stupid unbelievably blasphemous and totally crack myself up. Magically, no one tells me I’m going to hell when I write that. Then, my favorite topic to bring out the trolls, racism, always elicits thought-provoking responses. While I love to write I’m sadly busy this time of year and can’t produce something when every day pulls me in multiple directions. This week has been particularly horrid. We’ve lost a student to a horrible accident. Mostly, we are stunned. For the entirety of the last two days I’ve handed out tissues and allowed students almost as big as me to crawl into my lap when they just couldn’t take it any more. I could wax poetic about how emotionally exhausted I am but that would be uncalled for and I’d much rather talk about all the dumb ass things that I’ve come across this week. Dumb ass meaning so ridiculously funny that I’ve laughed right out loud when they happen.

In trying to remember to take my lunch to school I put my keys in the refrigerator like my mother suggested I do.

I tripped while trying to put on underwear. My big toe got caught and I fell right over.

While applying lip liner in the car (I tend to do that every day) I realized there was a cop next to me. I dropped it in my lap so he wouldn’t see me. I got lip liner all over my khaki pants.

My right contact doesn’t want to stay in my eye and it poops out on me (poops. as in “too tired to work anymore”) by 3 p.m. every day. I’ve taken to removing it and squinting until I get home. It makes me feel like a pirate.

During the lunch shift today one of the students asked why I was wearing green to which I replied, “To show that I’m not racist. I know Irish people!” Then she walked away from me while shaking her head.

I went by Mrs. O’Wickham all day long today. It’s how I answered my phone a few times.

A parent was saying goodbye to me on the phone and ended it with “HOLLA.” I said, “Really? Holla? Are you serious?”

I ate a lot of cream cheese dip brought in for an office birthday party today. I’m lactose intolerant. I had to tell my co-workers, “You REALLY want me to leave early today. Trust me.”

There are so many more dumb things that I have done that I’m a little embarrassed to list them here. With that? A contest!

YES. A CONTEST.

Why not? It’s St. Patrick’s day and my mother is part Irish. I mean, come on, her name is Patty. Pat. Patricia. Whatever. Where do you think Mason got all that red hair? The Black side of my family? (My leprechaun name, by the way, is Fluffernutter O’Donaghue. SEE ABOVE with the lactose intolerance.)

The contest: leave me a comment on the dumbest thing you’ve done lately.

Here’s what you can win on this auspicious day of listening to the Dropkick Murphy’s with no regret (The Pogues are always cool) and trying to find a really good corned beef sandwich with a cream soda: an Irish book Galway Bay by Mary Pat Kelly.

I am in possession of a lovely signed copy of Kelly’s book to give away. Feel free to hop over to the Daily Grommet to read more about her and her story.

Don’t forget to leave a comment. I could use it after this draining week. I’ll pick one sometime Thursday evening so you have until then! For fun, I’m going to throw in something extra just because I like being spontaneous. It’s the Irish in me.

Contest is now closed.

Ira Glass had a lot of wonderful things to say at the concert. But concert seems like the wrong word. It was a radio “show” based on some of his favorite stories. He started out on a dark stage and the first words he uttered were, “Now, the first thing you have to understand is that this is radio.” It took some time for him to finally bring up the lights and it was well worth it to see him in action of doing a show with music and audio clips. He had so many witty, insightful things to say that I can’t possibly write them all down, but I took some wisdom from him on several topics:

The Golden Rule – He refuses to put people on the air whom others might end up laughing at. Laughing with is fine, but not laughing at. Simple and yet sort of inspiring to hear from such an important person on a basic tenet to live by. (He didn’t mention leaving prepositions at the end of sentences, but for some reason I cannot help myself tonight.)

The Narrative - The power of the narrative and how stories have that galvanizing power to bring us to understanding just by putting normal events in order. First, this happened. Then, this. Then, this. And then, this. It reminded me about how difficult it has been lately to put events in order and to just simply try to answer questions, but I’m trying to write a story as it’s happening and that’s very scary for me. It’s why I can’t commit to writing about it when it’s so fresh. Then, it occurred to me: I don’t know the ending yet. Is there an end? How does this story conclude? While it’s happening I can’t possibly say that there is a definitive END, but there is a story and I did pledge to myself to try it even if the writing is for myself first. Or maybe just throw caution to the wind and write it.

The Topic Sentence – Ira Glass rightly says this is the death of us and blamed The Topic Sentence for so many people who end up hating writing or storytelling. Sometimes, in the hearing of the tale, readers and listeners decide for themselves what The Point is. Listening to him on the radio, he nails The Point between audio clips and music and often there is more than one point. I agree with him and want to kill The Topic Sentence. Except I just used three of them just now so Ira is going to have to teach me again. Apparently, I didn’t get it yet I almost always claim that being a middle child just brings out that rebellion in me. It’s like he dared me not to use a topic sentence.

On David Sedaris – Sedaris is one of my favorite writers and it has taken this long for me to determine that I’m mostly a non-fiction fan. When I taught English class I was steeped in the fiction world until I realized that as adults many of us end up loving non-fiction. It’s why I like reading blogs. Personal narratives are more interesting than a created world for me. Glass nailed it when he said that Sedaris has a rare ability to be telling a humorous story that takes you right into his world and then he dives to a deeper, more intense level with his writing. Usually, it surprises the reader and all of a sudden you find yourself in this place where he’s reached right into your chest and grabbed hold of your heart.

Speaking of grabbing my heart, I haven’t written about my job in a while and I should because that truth is far greater than any fiction I could be reading. A few incidents:

Mixing Metaphors – A parent called to ask me to pull her son out of class because he’s having a conflict with another student. “We need to nick this in the butt.” What kind of bandage would stop that bleeding?

Getting Out Early For Christmas Break – Many students don’t want to wait for final exams before they begin their vacation. The best reason I was given last week: “You guys have a stupid calendar. You need to know that some people want to go to island vacations sooner so we can be warm.” Umm, screw you and your tropical vacations and deal with the damn calendar.

At Your Service - I’m not a sit-in-my-office-all-day person. Being in the hallways and classrooms and lunch room is a part of my duties so when a student saw me after school she frustratingly yelled, “You’re never where I want you to be! I needed you! You are here FOR ME.” Ok, and a few hundred other kids, but what can I get you, Your Highness?

Phone Etiquette – We have a new Off Site Suspension place so that students aren’t sitting at home and sleeping in late and watching tv all day. Their work is provided for them there and the principal of that place calls to tell me they’ve arrived and clarify directions for assignments (I do the best I can not having been the one to assign it). She put a female student on the phone who got frustrated and hung up on me. The student. Hung. Up. On. Me. When she returned from her suspension she came to my office and asked to use my phone. “Oh, honey. I don’t THINK SO. You don’t know how to act on the phone so there’s no way I’m letting you abuse anyone else on this here telephone.” She stomped out of my office and mumbled an “Ugh! You’re SO MEAN.” and there wasn’t a quick enough filter on my mouth to say, “That’s right, Missy! And you don’t walk on my planet anymore!” It’s ok. I put myself in a time out after that and today she was walking towards me so it was inevitable that we’d probably acknowledge each other.

“Are we talking yet? Or are you still mad at me?” I asked.

“I’m mad. You’re the only one who gives me consequences. I hate that.”

“Oh. So we’re not talking then? Ok. I can live with that.”

“Yeah. I’m not going to talk to you.” She says, clearly TALKING TO ME.

“Don’t tease me. It’s been a nice quiet week without you talking to me.”

Really. She brings out the sarcasm in me so we’ll go on like this until she needs something and she’ll need something eventually. Until then, she’s off my planet. I wouldn’t be like this if she didn’t have hold of my heart in that I really want her to change her behavior. But I do! It’s such a damn curse on me to care this much sometimes. The sarcasm, however, is a gift.

The Winner: Ok, I’ve made you wait long enough for the winner of the dress.I asked a friend of mine to help determine the winner and she doesn’t want me to use her name so she made up an alias: Duchess Elvira. Like I need more goofy ass names in my life. Mostly, she whined that I wouldn’t give HER the dress and I waited for her to all but give me her dress size and mailing address. Look, Duchess Elvira: NO DRESS. Or you won’t be walking on my planet either and I’m kicking folks off left and right so get it together.

Anyway, Duchess Elvira decided that mama’s got moxie should win with this entry:

about four Christmases ago my husband made our annual visit over to my pop’s house on Christmas eve to spend the evening with him and my stepmother. after a while they invited us upstairs, dimmed the lights and they threw a dvd in the player. what i saw made me cry nonstop.

my pop had created an entire little movie that included old and new pictures of me and him, and he also added film footage from when i was about 3, a short (and quite embarrassing) clip of me as a teen rapping with a few of my girlfriends, and video from my college graduation. the background music was the song “butterfly kisses” by bob carlisle. i was absolutely blown away that he did this for me and it’s a gift that i will cherish forever. i’ve shown it to several family members and friends and nobody could get through the entire thing without shedding a tear.

Duchess Elvira wasn’t moved to tears (she’s sort of a hardass that way) the way I was at some of the stories. This one, and many others, were incredible. You people are lovely gift givers! You do it with your heart and so selflessly that I’m hopeful for humanity. Why don’t you just move in my basement since Ira declined my offer and plan all sorts of great gifts for me? Shower me with presents?

Oh. Because that would be selfish of me. Yeah, gotta stop being selfish. Also, my basement is really not “guest room ready” and the spiders would probably turn you off.

So, mama’s got moxie, expect an email from me soon to get your choice of a dress from Shabby Apple!

My Basement – You know what’s been lurking around there for a while that I’d love to give away? A Build-A-Bear from High School Musical. Apparently this is a big hit for the tweeners but I’m not as giddy over it since I’m all High School Musical nearly every damn day, people. Seriously. We don’t sing songs and all that crap. We have students who hang up on us and we banish from our planet.

So! Another contest ensues! And just in time for Christmas!

Rules - Leave a comment on this post with a Topic Sentence serving as your theme. Any topic! I’ll leave it open to you. It can be a funny story or a commentary on what kind of day you’ve had (mine? I’m The Decider, THAT’S WHY) or just a comment on how much you’d like to punch the next person who asks if that holiday weight gain has already begun since those jeans are a little tight.

There is an adorable book out by Katrina Kenison titled “Mitten Strings For God” that is of particular interest to me lately. It’s wonderfully simplistic in it’s approach to making time for self and for family and cutting out all the hectic activities that make me forget as a mother that my primary job, my paramount calling life is to be a mother. Kenison’s book reminds me of the plainness of the uncomplicated life of a favorite author of mine, Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I mention this book for two reasons: one, it gave me the reminder I needed that family time is quality and must be jealously guarded and two, it serves as a theme for something pure and caring that I thought is of noteworthy mention.

Recently I mentioned that a lovely woman who reads me and whose blog I visited asked if, after I left a comment on this post, I would like to have the pair of gloves I complimented. It’s this kind of stuff that makes me warm and fuzzy on the inside. After eating my weight in cupcakes lately I can, quite frankly, use some roughage in that department. (I almost want to strike through that last part of the sentence lest Google searchers find their way here searching for ways to fix their constipation and the really ornery part of me is going to let that sit.)

Back to the warm and fuzzy.

Meg, said lovely woman, sent them to me and they came in the mail today.

Of course, I had to model them and show that she also found time to knit a matching hat! Amazingly, it fit my enormous noggin!

But the best part, the simple and beautiful morsel upon which I feasted tonight was the card she enclosed in the box she mailed to me.

It was everything I said I wanted to hear. And she said it. Is there a language in this entire world that expresses better what we English speakers say when we utter the words Thank You? My heart is full and my gratitude to her in beyond simple words right now. She knitted mittens out of love of the craft and then freely and generously gifted them to me. Dearest sweet Meg, thank you.

It is in that spirit that I offer up today’s post as a contest to win a free dress from one of my favorite stores, Shabby Apple. If you haven’t visited that site here are a few samplings of some of the dresses over which I salivate (at least it’s not cupcakes!). If you click on the name of the dress in parentheses under each picture it will take you to that dress on the Shabby Apple website.

Seriously. The boots MAKE the outfit. (Rosie The Riveter)

Classy and classic and well decorated with the turquoise chunky beaded necklace. (Nantucket)

To be honest, it was THESE HOT BOOTS that caught my eye but paired with the dress? Raarrrrwww. (Tuxedo)

Don’t cry for me because my booty is amply rewarded in this dress. Cry because of the genius of the lime green shoes paired with it. (Evita)

I would have to wear my hair all wild and curly just like this for this fun, funky party dress. (Beauty Mark)

Contest rules: leave a comment on this post (which I will keep open until Friday) and answer one of the following questions.

a) What is the best gift you have ever received?

or

b) What is the best gift you have ever given?

My trusty elves will help me decide on a winner after I have chosen the best three comments. When you’re done commenting go and kiss someone in your life who needs you today the way I needed Meg’s kindness.

Comments are now closed for this contest.