It’s official. I have been betrayed by milk. In all it’s delicious, creamy two percent-y goodness, it has gone against my body like a cereal killer. So I’m trying some new things. And I’m not happy about it one bit. The more I’m coming to realize that I can no longer drink milk or eat cheese or even just take a Lactaid before enjoying some ice cream the more I want all those things. Last night I had a dream. It was of the Promised Land. Where I took a bath in mint chocolate chip ice cream (it had melted, so it was a warm bath) and then ate an entire cheesecake with a single spoon and washed that down with some brie cheese. 

Not being able to have all that food is making me loony. 

Because I have to try new things, my friend Kristina is helping me. She has all this stuff down pat and already feeds her son a gluten-free diet. She knows her stuff and threw out words like PROBIOTIC and GOAT’S MILK CHEESE and HEALTHY GOOD FOR YOU until I couldn’t take it any more and just went directly to the health food grocery store (where it always smells heavenly, just what is up with that, huh?) and it makes me want to buy things that have the word “flaxen” on them. But I don’t. I’ve made that error once or twice before. I’ll just go out front and chew on my tree instead of trying that crap again. 

That’s no way for a newly converted crunchy chick to talk, now is it? Is this why the vegans are so pissed off agreeable all the time?

I’m trying some new things and I have questions. A lot of them. 

This coconut milk kefir is $6 a quart. Where are the coupons for these damn things? I had to just strike through that last sentence because as soon as I wrote that I decided to do a quick search and found them here in just seconds. I love the internet. As soon as I wrote that last sentence I realized that I had to download something just to get a coupon. I hate the internet.

Who else has this problem? Does anyone have any good advice for me? This is new to me. I’m still at the uncomfortable stage of change. Do you have tips? Is there something you like that I should try? Mind you, I’m asking the internet because, of course, my favorite doctor is WebMD because the co-pay is so reasonable. Help me out here, folks. 

Make me love the internet again. I sure can’t love milk anymore.