This morning I got to sit in on an interview with a student for a story being written by a reporter after I, in what is far too normal, opened my mouth to talk about my students. It is an occurrence that happens often once you get me talking about education. There is no reason for me to keep these solid gold stories to myself about what I get to see and experience in my job and in my dealings with teenagers. If you have one (a teenager, that is) and you’ve ever wondered about how it is their brains work then I’m not the one to ask. I can’t figure them out any better than anyone else even though I’ve raised a few in my time as a mom. But I’m precariously close to having a great deal of empathy for them. So much so that I’m closer to tears some days than they realize. I’m a professional, though. I have learned to wait until I’m out of their presence before I shed a tear.

In the movie Broadcast News the character Jane Craig that is played by Holly Hunter is an empathetic reporter who does her job efficiently and effectively without letting herself get close enough to be betrayed. She has a habit of waiting until she’s along and then she weeps uncontrollably, collects herself, and goes back about her job.

I’ve learned to do that. Far too well I might add.

It’s not my intention to tell her story. It is my intention to tell mine. As much as I want to share things about these fantastic students in my charge I am learning to be more and more cautious. (Mostly to savor them and fully explore some of them in my book.) (Oh, have I piqued your interest? Yay! Buy my book!) (You know. Someday. When I finish writing it.)

In the years I’ve written online I have learned two things for certain: 1) everyone has a story to tell and 2) when you tell it well you work your way into the heart of the reader. How familiar you become with the author of a story depends on how much you trust them. When I sit and listen to my students tell me their story that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s all this stuff underneath that’s been building for a long time and if they don’t trust me, they don’t tell me. If they don’t tell me, I can’t help them as I so desperately wish.

Oftentimes I think, “I can’t wait to tell that story!” or “This is such a great anecdote!” It’s hard because then I feel guilty. I don’t mean to exploit them. I just mean to show people, through writing, a slice of my work. My writing is at its best when I’m doing that or when I’m trying desperately to work through how I parent. When I write about being a mom I have to be more cautious because my children aren’t unknowns or just letters. “Child M said this.” or “Child M said that.” See how dumb it was of me to give them all names that start with M’s? I must have known I was going to write a blog someday, hmm? But my students are anonymous and I tell stories that are current or ones that happened many years ago, yet the fine line is always there. I had this moment recently where I thought it was stupid to keep telling the stories about my children and my students and how I should stop completely.

Then, I stopped listening to that voice in my head. It’s not like I’m living my like Tila Tequila for crying out loud. Right?

I think I’m having another moment.

This must be what writers think like. No wonder they’re crazy.

If I have to look at Oscar Wilde’s face one more time with his taunting, strong jaw and piercing eyes that say, “Write, damnit! Write!” then I may as well just throw my Kindle against the wall. It’s been collecting dust ever since I finished reading Julie and Julia: 365 Days, 524 Recipes 1 Tiny Apartment Kitchen on it because I thought I’d never read anything else on it. I’m super lazy in ordering books online and when I go to Barnes & Noble I inadvertently end up sitting in the café section reading something until I’m finished with it. It’s my own personal library because I don’t have one. In the fifteen years that I’ve lived in Springfield I have never had a library card except when we lived in what we affectionately called “Ghetto West”. The other houses I’ve lived in required me to live within the city limits, but I keep ending up in Unincorporated Springfield and it’s like a black mark on my track record of reading. My own scarlet letter that tells everyone, “I’m a rebel! I live in unincorporated areas! I don’t own a library card!”

Anyway, Oscar is sitting on the home page of my Kindle just staring at me. “Buy another book already, would you?” he pleads earnestly. “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? You’d like for me to spend my hard earned dollars on something that I won’t even have time to read!” When John Milton looks at me I just stick out my tongue. Lewis Carroll just makes me giggle. But there’s something about Emily Dickinson. When she looks at me from the Kindle screen I find myself apologizing to her. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to write here and it’s just not flowing yet. The ideas are plentiful, but the writing is jumbled and awkward.”  I can write for myself, but the thought of putting things down on paper because a literary agent told me to or because my publisher says that I need more words is a daunting task. Just sitting behind my blog and bitching about the mundane doings in everyday life? Piece of cake, baby.

All that was to say that I’m trying to write a book here. It’s day 4 of the new year and for the first time ever I’m committing to this in such a passionate way that I’m scaring myself. This is terrifying and incredibly freeing to just put down as many words as I can. How this will change the way I blog I don’t know yet. Will I end up apologizing to you, my readers, the same way I do to Miss Dickinson? Who knows? 

For now, though, I’m searching for things that I didn’t ever let myself search for in the past. I’m trying to locate literary agents and publishers who have put out books like the one I’m trying to write and needing far more eye cream at night these last four days because when the urge to write strikes me I’m just going to grab it by the horns (or balls? is it balls?) and run with it. (Oooohh. No. Not balls then. Ouch.) Even if that means I’m awake at 3 a.m. because a thought has to get down on paper.

If you have any advice, I’m taking it. If you know anybody who could help a poor, starving mum with her child in a baby carriage sitting at a cafe and trying to write on scraps of paper…hold on. That was J.K. Rowling. I’m delusional now.

Hold me?

No. Just cheer me on, please. If ever I needed a cheering section, it’s now. I’m paralyzed with fear and doubt.

There have been a few folks that I know and love who are both practicing their writing and stretching themselves to think while using this template of answering questions about ushering in the new year and shoving that old year to the back of the closet because, dang, 2009! Some people just really did not like you! 

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’ve never done before?

I took a $300 cab ride from Las Vegas to a resort in St. George, Utah because my flight was delayed and I missed the car service. It was bizarre to ride in a cab with a man who spoke broken English (at best) and I didn’t fall asleep the entire ride because it was the desert and I had nightmarish visions of what my death would be described as in the newspaper. 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Yes, I kept some of them. But, I am now resolved to make less this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?



Yes, my granny. Marguerite Sullivan. She lived a good life and did it well. A true matriarch.

5. What countries did you visit?

I visited the country of Eating Good Food and the Republic of Trying New Wines. It was a delightful trip.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

The ability to stick to a budget. 

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The Inauguration of the 44th President of the United States. January 20, 2009. It was a new day for the nation and there was new breath in the air.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Sticking up for myself when it could have been a career-ending move.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not loving enough. I never do, but I aspire to love more this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope, and I remain ridiculously healthy. Except for migraines which were caused by work stress and for which I was prescribed Imitrex. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

M.A.C. foundation. Mineralize Satin Finish SPF 15 in shade 35. It makes my face glow and that makes me feel pretty.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Barney Frank. I want to be able to say things the way he says them.  

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?



The way the American people came out to those Town Hall Meetings and found it appropriate to spew hate and ignorance. Also, the entire cast of Jersey Shore. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

The IRS. Mr. Tax Man took a bite out of my butt last year. The rest of it went to maintaining a rental home and my car and food. We eat a lot of really good food in my house and being lactose intolerant has made me have to shop at our local health food store which is super expensive. I’ve taken to making lists and driving to St. Louis for the day to visit Trader Joe’s. It’s worth the gas money to get there. Goat’s milk butter is expensive! So is the Kombucha I drink for it’s probiotic benefits!

15. What did you get really excited about?

The surprise that there were men out there who found me attractive enough (but not too intimidating) to ask out on a date. It’s a whole new world for me. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Since Michael Jackson died I found myself listening to Mason’s iPod more often than before (which, seriously, is the BEST PLAYLIST iPod in our whole house because he has fantastic musical tastes) so Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ came to be an old favorite that made me shake my booty anew. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Happier, for sure.
– thinner or fatter? Thinner, but just a little. My body is shifting around so things fit well and I like what’s going on. You hear that body? I LIKE WHAT’S GOING ON WITH ALL THIS.


– richer or poorer? Financially poorer. Stupid body. I hope my body didn’t hear that.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?


Easily, this is exercise. I just know if that if I had a treadmill in my front living room that I’d hop on that thing every single day. I KNOW IT. But I can neither afford a treadmill nor can I afford a gym membership right now. Not until the IRS takes its claws out of me. There should be some sort of IRS workout where I pretend to punch my taxes in the junk. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?



Cursing and losing my temper with my children. When I get on a bender for either of them I tend to get frustrated with myself. I want to believe myself better than that. I’m not proud of my potty mouth.

20. How did you spend Christmas?


With the children and my mother at my house. I was only slightly upset that the kids only got me one present and that everyone else opened present after present but that’s what being a single mom is all about, right? However, I focused on their happiness and the food so it ended up being fine. And the present was really pretty nice and it was something I asked for so that was sweet.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

With what? This bag of Cheetos? Yes, I did. We’re going to take our relationship to the next level where I eat them in bed. Oohh la laaaa.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I ended up loving Glee but then Community popped my cherry and now I’m faithful follower of the church of Abed and Troy. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?



I don’t hate anyone. I pity people. There are just two people I ended up pitying this year because of their horrid behavior. 

24. What was the best book you read?

Not Much, Just Chillin’: The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers (non-fiction)

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (fiction)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?


Anuhea, this Hawaiian goddess of great musical and lyrical writing talent. “Right Love, Wrong Time” is my favorite.  

26. What did you want and get?

That Christmas present I was just talking about and it was a Necklush. In cream. Very lushy indeed. 

27. What did you want and not get?

A new car. I’m in the market for another crossover vehicle like the Ford Edge or the Toyota Venza. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

God help me, but I really loved the visuals of Avatar. I just hate giving James Cameron more of my hard-earned dollars. I also really liked (500) Days of Summer.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I threw myself a party because I knew exactly what I wanted to eat, drink, etc… and I turned 38. 

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Loose ends that were tied up and a down payment on a house. 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Long necklaces and lots of bracelets made Kelly not so dull a girl. It was also the year of the bohemian layered look for me punctuated by lots of warm tights and kicky boots. 

32. What kept you sane?

Watching anything on The Food Network. Because it made me get creative in the kitchen and I am calmed by chopping vegetables or cooking comfort food. That’s weird, right? But hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried the drunken pasta that Rachael Ray makes. 

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Mo Rocca. He’s everywhere right now (Iron Chef, CBS Sunday Morning) and I love that. I want him to be my boyfriend but I would probably drive him crazy so maybe he should just entertain me every so often and then just go home. 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?



Healthcare. We still don’t, as American people, believe that everyone should have it and we will rage on about it until we start to care for one another. One bad illness for my mother and it will financially ruin me. I’m terrified of what could happen and that the medical community doesn’t value her enough not to charge her exorbitant prices just to keep her healthy. 

35. Who did you miss?

I miss Maddie when she’s not here with us, I miss my sisters when I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like, I miss my nephews and nieces when I don’t get to watch them grow, I miss my dad when he’s not able to drive anymore, I miss people I used to work with who made work challenging yet fun, and I miss my friends when I get too busy to spend time with them. 

36. Who was the best new person you met?



There’s a whole slew of new friends that became a part of what we call The Bloody Mary Mafia. Jeannette, Jeff, Patrick and Gina, DeShanee, Alex, Lisa and Rodd, Lynne and Eric. They are all so very cool.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Let things go. 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.


I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the things I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

from Radiohead’s Pyramid Song

SUPER RE-TARDO

Growing up, we weren’t allowed to say the word “retard” or even “shut up”. Repressive Catholic parenting did that to me but we also never talked about sex and we all know where that lead. In any case, the other day I was at the store and these two brothers were fighting and arguing and punching each other in the side of the head and one of them called the other a “Super Retardo” and then the mom laughed and stopped scolding them and they pretended to wear capes and become some strange sort of super hero and then I laughed along with them and the mom gave me this warm smile that said, “Aren’t they cute? And don’t you kind of want to take them home with YOU instead so that I don’t have to wonder about what kind of missile range it would take to pick them off from afar?”

At least that’s how I interpreted it. In my own superheroiness (Jaysus! That’s not a word AT ALL and my English Lit. degree betrays me more and more!) this week I’ve made some observations:

1. I had to kill a mouse with my bare hands. By “bare hands” I mean wearing gloves and putting it in a plastic bag and slamming it on the ground to put it out of its misery. This was enough scarring to my soul that I went and put a ten dollar bill in a jar that I use for therapy.

2. The guy at the front desk at my work sounds just like Matthew McConaughey every time he answers the phone. It’s bizarre and wildly entertaining to call him to for ridiculous things like, “Did I leave my pen at your desk?” or “Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward or Team Shirtless?” You know who else does a mean impersonation of Matthew McConaughey? Matt Damon.  

3. My Christmas shopping was finished in two days. I’m online-shopper-ninja-like that way. But I did have to go to Target for some things and realized that I couldn’t pay my $300 bill because I hit my limit for debit that day so I left the store, went to the bank to get cash, and returned where I decided to park right in front of the store because, yes, sometimes I am that jerk and I had my limit with stupid people that day anyway. It’s possible and even probable that I stuck out my tongue at a few drivers when I did it, too. Yes. Totally probable. Also probable: excessive use of the eff word.

4. You know what doesn’t get old? Ross the Intern. Who is no longer Ross the Fat Intern, but Ross the Skinny Guy With His Own Show. Also? This doesn’t get old. It’s my favorite video of him. All day now I’ll be saying, “Pineapple! Pineapple! I’m not kidding!”

5. My Christmas present wrapping is the shit. No lie. So long as you don’t worry about how crooked the lines are underneath all that stuff. The more bows on a present the more I am trying to distract you from my wrapping skills. 

BONUS: There is a Christmas song on the radio that uses the words “baby momma” in it. If there were a Super Re-Tardo award I would bestow it on that idiot. CHRIST, PEOPLE. Ok, so admittedly, Joseph had a baby momma but it came after the birth of Jesus. You know why he weeps? He weeps for horrid Christmas songs that glorify the ghetto, folks.

After spending a month writing a post (read: faking it at times with no more than a simple photo) every day I’ve come to the conclusion that I write differently now from when I began and it forces me to consider what’s changed during that time. Not only have I become lactose intolerant (thanks, Mr. Tummy, you’re kinda jerky for doing that to me) but I’ve become a single woman again, found and brought home another daughter, and learned important things about myself like knowing when I’m “alone” versus when I’m “lonely”. It’s also become apparent that I will forever have issues with my hair no matter how much of it I keep cutting. It took a while but I’ve also come to the conclusion that wearing a size Transvestite in shoes (thanks for the solidarity, my sister) is not necessarily a bad thing. 

In any case, I’m taking writing more seriously and that’s why I haven’t updated on a more regular basis. And oh, the things I have to tell you! Like about how freaking tall my sons are getting and that I just look up at them in awe. (We’re closing in on 6′3 and it’s just kind of ridiculous that they were ever very small.) Or how I signed up to take kick-boxing lessons! Or even all the stories I have about my students and how the purse drive is going! You know, just basic daily happenings that no one is really interested in anyway. As is standard, I can’t talk much about the new writing project but I can say that I have an editor and do you know what goes on with having an editor? AP STYLEBOOK RULES and a whole bunch of very uninteresting guidelines by which I must follow. What happens when you start really paying attention to writing is that you read sentences like the previous one and ask yourself, “Did that make sense? by which I must follow? What the heck is wrong with me that I can’t write even a basic sentence anymore?” and then you second guess every thing and your confidence is shot and you think you’re a total dolt and that everyone from high school was right when they voted you Most Likely To Be A Beach Bum.

So, there’s a new freelance writing gig and there’s regular work and there’s my boring life but there are also new friends and old traditions and everything really is going well. I just thought it might be time to say, for myself, that I’m really happy and feeling healthy (oh, thanks to everyone’s comments about vegan foods and ways to change my eating habits and wow, that Kombucha stuff is amazing because I feel fantastic!) and that I’m in a good place. There wasn’t even a minor freak out when I was sending some writing to my editor and I wrote out the sentence, “Now that I’m nearing 40…” THAT RIGHT THERE IS QUITE A FEAT IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. (My editor hasn’t been too subjected to my fondness for all caps. Lucky her.) Too often, I reflect when things are all wrong and when I experience bouts of WebMD-defined depression creep in and life is, generally speaking, crappy. 

But life is good. Things are good. I am good. 

That alone was worth mentioning. 

So, how are you?