You might be interested to note that the McCain McEducation McPlan is full of McShit. You might also be interested in those cookies you have hidden in the cabinet from the children, but stop thinking about that for a moment. They won’t spoil in the time it takes to read about the vague outline of McCain’s plan for education.

Feel free to go here to read about it. My comment got so long that I realized it would be a post unto itself:

It is so past the time when politicians make enormous decisions regarding education that I feel almost silly saying it again: ask teachers.

Teachers will tell you that:

1. Whoever gets to measure the arbitrary goal of “potential” doesn’t truly understand the growth of a child. What does that really look like and what does it truly mean? I fear that standards are applied differently to different groups and this is too vague an exploration as you’ve posted here.

2. If all schools were equalized parents wouldn’t need more choices. This usually serves to allow wealthier parents to choose entitled schooling for their children and is a classic case of the rich getting richer.

3. “Quality teachers” doesn’t take into account some of the most important qualities of educators. In my experience teachers who graduate in the top of their class aren’t the best teachers. The best teachers are the ones who CARE about the students. Can you ensure that those “top grades” college students will actually care more about children?

4. Putting technology into schools requires training teachers FIRST. He wants technological development for virtual schools? Are you going to pull from those “top graduates” with the “top grades” once again? This, to me, doesn’t seem to help the issue of students simply not reading at grade level. It appears to be one more way to divide the haves and have-nots. Those math and science academies serve to stimulate students who do well in those courses, but, again, it takes students away from schools that then become ’struggling schools’.

Nothing is mentioned about early childhood programs focusing on literacy and numeracy or helping high school students and their families access higher education. That is part of the reason real reform continues to fail the masses: real reform isn’t FOR the masses.

Meaningful reform comes from taking the lead from the true leaders. No one ever asks them in a format that brings about true change and educators keep on working to meet impossible standards (how is it again that we’re responsible for their attendance when we get no support from state and local agencies to enforce this?) and do the work that no one else is willing to do or even be responsible for when it fails.

This morning I’m in charge of the 9th grade orientation because half of those kids are mine. We’re going on a tour of the building, practicing opening lockers, and then registering them for classes. Today will be a long, long day. My voice will probably go out by the end of the day and I will wonder, once again, why students have never tried to open a padlock in their 14 years of life thus far. What I know about myself is that I will wonder a lot of things. Some of them are just to serve the purpose of exasperating myself because there are no answers. Others will be because I am trying to figure people out and see what their motives are for doing things.

High school is a difficult beast. We get students who are terrified of being there because the building is big and I admit, ours is pretty enormous and maze-like. We’ve restructured almost everything about it and there are four separate academies, one of which is in my charge. I’m keeping half of the freshmen from last year who I had as their dean and I’m getting half of the incoming freshmen that I’ll be meeting today. When I crunched the numbers it’s about the same as I was dealing with last year and my role, which is new to both me and the district, will be an Academy Assistant Principal.

In many ways, I’ll be the “principal” over my own little school. That’s about 350 students and 20 teachers to work with; some of whom are going to be evaluated because it’s “their year” and just now I’m understanding that I have to work with a lot of personalities. It won’t be fair to write about my dealings with them on a personal or professional level, though I know I will want to explore things in writing. When I do, it would make sense to give them anonymity. Yet, there are several hundred students and families I will meet and cultivate relationships with; I’ll most definitely need this morning to introduce myself and establish who I am in this position.

Today I am wondering what souls I will be intertwined with for the space of a school year.

Today I am irritated that some families won’t bother to start their children in school until after Labor Day because they’re “on vacation”.

Today I am the woman who will, no doubt, be called a bitch because it is the easiest slander to revert to when they are frustrated with me.

Today I am astounded that some of my students live in filth and poverty and ignorance.

Today I am grateful for loving parents who are trying their absolute best to make good on a bad situation.

Today I will let parents know that I do not serve to enable their children.

Today I will give an example of being a responsible citizen and I will use that example time and time again because only a few will be able to hear it today. For others, the message will come later on.

Today I will remember that everyone learns at different paces and that the learning curve is steep.

Today I will tell them why I am there knowing that they will question me sometimes when they have forgotten.

Today I will smile at children masquerading as mature high school students who desperately need the very tenderness they will refuse until I gain their trust.

Today I will be hard on the boys for their saggy pants and the girls for their revealing tops and remind them that they are here to exercise THEIR BRAINS and that their bodies are not for display.

Today I will impart wisdom that has been hanging around in the crevices of my psyche that will, no doubt, surprise me when they come to the surface.

Today I will love someone new and it will sneak up on me like it always does.

Today I am the Moral Gatekeeper for what works in schools because I have been around just that long.

Today I will second guess decisions and I will, as sure as the sun comes up, make wrong ones. It will have to wait until tomorrow that I can make it right again assuming that I even recognize it.

Today I am an educator who will protect children and piss off those who fail to recognize that.

Today I am the woman who might hold it together all day until she gets into her car and loses her shit at the end of a punishing day.

Today I am the woman who will reach out to pat a student on the back or simply hug them. People will tell me not to do that and I have yet to regret doing so because I exercise good judgment when doing so.

Today I am the administrator who has moved to the Dark Side and “doesn’t understand what it’s like in the classroom” and there is nothing I can do to change anyone’s mind about that. It’s ok.

Today I am the principal who simply can’t make everything right or fix society’s ills but who will be infuriated nonetheless.

Tonight I will return home entirely exhausted. It’s not even the first day of school.

Since I had to attend an Administrator Academy within this fiscal year to meet the requirements for remaining an administrator I won’t let it go by without note. Aren’t you lucky? It’s like you took the class with me today except you didn’t have to pay for it nor do you get the “lunch provided”. But make some bbq pulled pork sandwiches and some coleslaw and it’s like you’re there! (Put some sweet sauce and some spicy sauce on your sandwich like I did but don’t go for the cookie. The cookie will look good to you at first and then it will disappoint you. Honestly, I look out for you people.)

We had to compile a list of what our Dream School Culture would look like. This is what I came up with:

Leave the building better than when you left it.

Engage all families by contacting them and having an ongoing relationship with them.

Connect with everyone. Every day.

Greet every student everyday. BY NAME. (“Hello, Kristen.” and “Good morning, Anthony.”) ((Best Buy does this. So does Wal-Mart and our local Family Video. It makes me feel welcome! Shouldn’t we all feel welcome in school?))

Believe that the building exists for more than the sole purpose of disciplining students.

Do early interventions and preventative programs tailored to students.

Focus on teaching and learning and if the conversation doesn’t call for anything else as an educator, don’t bother bringing it to the table.

Believe that every child can learn.

Never except excuses; not from students, teachers, parents, or community members.

Require teachers to attend faculty meetings they miss the night before because they coincidentally ALWAYS have doctor appointments on those meeting days. (I hate when someone asks “What did I miss at the meeting?” and people reply “Oh, nothing.” Why would I bother making an agenda and going through it if it were NOTHING?)

Speak to the staff at a State of The Campus address each Fall. It is no secret we’re not doing the best we possibly could be doing so put it out there and challenge everyone to do their best for the kids’ sake.

Ignore AYP and No Child Left Behind. Success isn’t contingent upon the 62.5% you were required to meet this year. Did ANYTHING good happen this school year? Celebrate it. No matter how small.

Control the media when school stories must be told. Fax it to them at 4pm when they can’t “fact check” it. They’ll think they have the scoop and you’ll have told the story YOU want to tell.

Be professional in every manner: dress, speech, expectations.

Create Student Advisory Committees - those kids have some damn good ideas. Listen to them.

Teachers who threaten to quit should be allowed to do so on the spot. Empty threats mean nothing and usually they’re the negative teachers who are harming children so let them go.

Create a family-centered workplace that values our time and efforts for those we teach and those we are raising in our own homes.

Now that I realize my son, his friends, and his youth group counselor have been reading my site I will have to slow down on all the talk about vajayjays. So, if you’re here for that then too bad. This won’t stop me from complaining about MY CRAPPLE WITHOUT A NAME, though I have realized that should I ever get that MacBook Pro I will name her Ophelia because the silver casing reminds me of a watery grave which is exactly where I feel like throwing my current one that pooped out on me at work today. I know - you come here to discuss boobs and lip gloss and I give you this.

But since I have a platform and my son just may have gotten this far in his reading may I shout from the rooftops until the tiles are tingling that HE NEEDS TO WEAR SUNBLOCK I’M NOT KIDDING SUN POISONING ISN’T ANYTHING TO BE TRIFLED WITH I MEAN IT RIGHT NOW, MASON.

If you’d like to chastise my child along with me, feel free to leave horror stories in the comments.

When I asked Mason to please write down the mental list forming in my head I said, “Ok, we need laundry detergent, toothpaste, and sunblock for my blockhead son. GET IT? GET IT, MALLORY? MASON? Sun block? For my block head SON?”

They just let their mouths form all crooked and shook their heads at me. Sometimes, momma ain’t that funny when she’s laughing like a lunatic on leave from the psych ward.

That’s probably because today at school wasn’t a funny day at all.

Twice today I had parents contact me and ask what they should do to help their kids do better in school since they’ve each failed three year-long courses. Tomorrow is the last day of school. They called. Today. Today. If I were allowed to give swift kicks to the head my legs would be sore right now.

Then at around 10 a.m. I had to go “whisper” to the student who has been the most challenging student to me. Some days he’s great and the other days he’s a complete wreck. When “Hank” starts acting up they call in the Hank Whisperer and 99% of the time I can get him to comply and do what he was asked to do, but today I experienced the 1%. His claim to fame is that he’s never taken a final exam or any big test and he started his Super Special Ed behavior as soon as he got to class. When they called for me I knew he was going to make this a difficult day.

Totally unrelated to having a student arrested and having him writhe on the ground because he doesn’t listen to the six adults trying to get him under control: stand back when the scuffle calls for pepper spray. Just a warning folks. Also, blink a lot to reduce the burning and use milk or antacid to rinse out your eyes. Use Vaseline or vegetable oil to rub your eye area with and use saline for the next several hours. You don’t want to know how I know this. You will get a LOT of sympathy for this if that’s your cup of tea.

After spending the rest of the day getting final exam ready for the suspended students I went outside to do my lunch duty and get a little sunshine (oh! SO not good for pepper sprayed eyes!) when I heard my name called over the radio (such fun! to be found wherever you are in the entire building BECAUSE YOU CARRY A RADIO! joy! excitement! the feeling of being needed!) because a parent and student were down in my office to see me.

I pushed to button to talk and breathed an audible sigh into the radio. “Hhhuuuhhhhhh. Ok. Umm…” and then I let go of the button to think a second. “Hhhuuuhhhhh. Well…ok. Tell them I’ll be inside in a few minutes.”

It’s possible that he overheard me say that and then I started to feel guilty, but dangit! Parents showing up in the middle of the day demanding my time! When I got downstairs I saw this father dressed in his army fatigues and his son waiting for me. They were all smiles. The dad spontaneously grabbed me and hugged me. He said he was sorry I had been so sick and was hoping to catch me before summer vacation began and wanted to thank me for being so understanding of his son while their family went through a difficult time this year.

My body released a huge sigh and I thought of tough Hank and his getting in serious trouble. What kind of tough guys were these, though? This big, beefy father who has fought for custody all year long who wanted to show some appreciation.

Most of the rest of the day was spent wondering about tough men. They spend so much energy into being solid in front of other guys. I watch my own teenage boys have pissing contests with each other to mark their territory. This doesn’t bode well for electronic devices. Again, I’m free with all the advice. But they have kicked each other until the other one screams for a court order to keep from coming within 50 feet of their genital area. Resilient rugged men who can take an ass-kicking like you wouldn’t believe.

All these tough guys made this tough gal weep today. I know it’s partly because of the exhaustion of the end of the school year, but what started out today as an impossible-to-feel-good-about-moment ended with me hopeful that these tough boys will grow up to be tough men not afraid to express themselves.

I needed that tough guy hug at that precise moment.

While I haven’t devoted an entire post to what I do in my position, I realize this differs from place to place so I can only sum up easily by stating that I take care of the academic needs of students with regard to classes, interventions as a support for them, and finding ways to bridge the superabundance of parental/parole officer/community resource phone calls that come my way. Anytime one of the deans does something that’s not listed on our job descriptions we jokingly whine, “Other duties as assigned”.

This year, that list has grown to some things I would never have imagined to be part of my responsibilities:

Riding in the ambulance when students are hurt or visiting them in the hospital after injuries or surgeries.

Going on home visits to find truant students and convincing them to attend school.

Telling students to pull up their pants.

Being called into meetings that don’t always fall under the category of “responsibilities”.

Giving students proper clothing.

Handing out tampons and pads to the girls.

Driving the girls home who need to change clothing due to aforementioned “duty”.

Doing body searches when there is a risk of drugs or weapons. So glad all the girls have had on clean underwear if I have had to do it.

Being grateful when one of them simply hands over the paraphernalia.

Doing searches on backpacks and finding it filled with condoms. Filled.

Thanking the student for being sexually responsible.

Hoping I’m not going to hell for wishing they wouldn’t procreate.

Using lots of hand sanitizer.

Providing students with lotion. I am the current Lotion Queen and sometimes they just stop by my office, put on moisturizer, and leave with a simple, “Thanks! Bye!”

Telling students to PULL UP THEIR PANTS.

Tying their belt loops together with twisty-ties when they just keep on breaking that rule.

Discussing possible abuse with DCFS workers or police officers.

Cry, cry, cry.

Keeping a supply of hand wipes and deodorant in my office.

Keeping a supply of breakfast bars and snacks in my office.

Shooing away critters who want to devour the food in my office.

Calming down the students in BD classrooms when I am called because they don’t listen to anyone else and I offer a gentle touch. (Fear not, I am known to get tough when they’re acting like jerks and have recently been referred to as the ______ Whisperer. When Jermaine acts up, I’m the Jermaine Whisperer. When Herb acts up, I’m the Herb Whisperer.)

Finding students jobs for the summer.

Hunting down students in classrooms who I know still didn’t pull up their pants.

Smugly walking away when they think I’m “everywhere”.

Catching students skipping school when I run an errand for the school and not being ashamed of rolling down my window and yelling, “You get your butt in school RIGHT NOW.”

Defending my position when I won’t give students Driver’s Education if they fail to have 4 credits. (Stock response to their frustration: “If you can’t pass English, I don’t want you driving on the road!” Parents ALWAYS agree with me and have gotten many thank you, Mrs. Mocha from it.)

Handing out tissues and comforting them even when they’re practically crawling into my lap.

Buying paper and pens and alarm clocks for students who need them.

Explaining to students that farting silently in class is simply NOT good manners.