Well, now those teen years have really seemed to bite you in the ass, haven’t they? Here you are with a couple of kids already and you’re still trying to enjoy and figure out your 20s. What’s done is done. We won’t try to backtrack now. Not only will it do you no good, but you will start to get down on yourself for being irresponsible again.

You did the most responsible thing you could. That will serve you well later in life. Keep doing it.

Explore your body more. It’s already given life to four human beings by the time it was 23 and the damage (read: stretch marks) is already done so just find out what you like about your body. You have a great derriere and really shapely legs. Wear more short skirts while you can.

Ask more guys out on dates and look for the older ones because the boys your age won’t be able to handle the kid thing. I’m so proud of you for hitting on that hot professor when you were working a party for the university. He was smart and attractive and you’ve never dated a guy named Roger before. Don’t worry that he turned you down. He was flattered. More importantly, you stepped out of your comfort zone. Well done, Kelly!

It’s okay to ask for help from people. Do that more often and stop being such a martyr. Which reminds me: read The Hero Within early in your 20s and recognize that you’re on a journey. Identify with any of the six archetypes and recognize that you’re constantly moving in and out of those phases.

Cut your damn hair. The split ends are horrible. Long hair is NOT your pride nor is it your glory. Please quit getting your hair relaxed because it’s killing it. Learn more about your natural curls because once you figure out how to get them to behave you will absolutely love it and will look amazing.

Here’s something you do well: you laugh a lot. You have fun. Your sense of humor will get you through quite a few things to come in the future so keep developing that. Don’t be embarrassed by your hearty laugh. Later you will realize that it’s infectious.

School for you will always be hard but someday you will learn that there are two types of students: 1) those to which learning comes easily and 2) those who have to work really hard. You are the second type. But! I have news for you! You will learn best by talking through it. Find people in your classes who will converse with you about the subject. This will come to you much later than it should have so I’ll remind your 20-something self of this right now: you are smart. You are intelligent. You are brilliant even. It’s right and proper for you to feel it.

You will always be conscious of racism. Call it like you see it. This will make other people uncomfortable, but in the best of circumstances you will open a dialogue to talk about it civilly.

Take more advice from your parents. You stole parenting from them in your teens and made a mess of that, so remember to ask them for advice because they won’t know how to give it to you when you’re acting all know-it-all-ish. Show some humility.

Figure out what love really means to you right now. Do it! Right this second! Ask yourself what it means to have people love you, tell them by what means you feel loved and then either accept it or move on.

In your late 20s you will find a tumor in your ovary but it’s nothing to be scared of because it’s benign. Push on your doctor more to take the time to find it so that it doesn’t grow and get so big. Be an advocate for your health. Oh, and ask for that yeast infection medication EVERY TIME the doctor prescribes you an antibiotic. Weekend yeast infections are a pain in the…well, you know what.

Set boundaries with people you think are your friends. You will be able to stand up to them when they try to guilt you and pull the Christian Card because by the time you’re in your 30s you will recognize it as an excuse to treat you like shit and take no responsibility for themselves. You will identify it much quicker later on in life, but if you could learn this earlier would you please try?

Get a pre-nuptial agreement. No, it’s not unromantic. It’s practical. What else have you been but practical? You will wish you had this later on because your definition of “fair” will change from what it is now. People grow and change dramatically in a marriage and it will absolutely mortify you when you learn what “fair” means to other people. That pre-nup would have saved you a lot of heartache.

Stop doing those sissy runs and really do something long distance. In the metaphorical sense, you may have to run very far to see who comes after you.

Wear more flowers behind your ear.

Having a breakdown is not a weakness. It is a sign that you can’t handle it all yourself.

When you get that big lump of money that one year (you will know the one) you should buy yourself a great computer and add to your lens collection for your camera. It won’t be a selfish thought, it would be an investment. But you won’t do that. You’ll do something else that is also important, but then you’ll be sad that you didn’t take care of yourself later on. Forgive yourself.

You are loved plenty. Accept it. Take it in and drink it up.

Something you do really well is stand up for yourself. Push harder on that and it will be practice for later in life. It will not make you a bitch, but people will still call you one. Don’t let that bother you at all. Just because people say it doesn’t make it true.

Remember that you’re not solely a mother in your 20s. You are a woman and you are becoming one quickly. Embrace that womanhood.

Take a multivitamin and eat more raw foods.

With love,

39-year old Kelly

*With gratitude to Ellyn Spragins and her “Letters to My Younger Self” and to Cassie Boorn’s blog project which ended up on NPR featuring a picture of my dear friend, Karen of Chookooloonks.

Would you really have done this had you put any thought into it? Honestly. You haven’t called or visited me in three years. That’s evident because you didn’t know I moved. You only knew that I stopped attending your church. In fact, I’ve moved twice since then and you were none the wiser. I’m finding your behavior reprehensible because the last time you ran into me out in public you “worried about my relationship with the Lord“.

I didn’t realize that Jesus had been checking in with you and updating you on my status. Hmm. I’ll have think better about what I say in my private prayer time and instead just put it up on my Facebook status so that not just you, but everyone can be aware of where I am spiritually.

So, you ran into my son when he decided to visit our former church.

And you didn’t know about my divorce.

Or that I’d moved out.

Or that life, in general and specific, has changed dramatically for me.

Or that I’m still raising children.

That last one, former friend? That’s the one that riles me up.

You asked my teenage son about his parents’ divorce. You upset him. You set him off on a panic attack. You had the nerve to pump him for information and then ask him for my phone number.

That was two weeks ago.

You never called.

You horrid bitch, you. You repulsive human being. You have no idea what you did to my son, do you? You might if you had actually used my number that he gave you to call me. But you didn’t.

Is this really you now? If it is, then consider this your re-introduction to me.

This is the new me.

Ever so sincerely,

Kelly

This year all I’m saying is that I continue to love my thirties. Oh, and this:

Dear Kelly,

You’re doing alright. You’re not screwing it up. You love your family and your friends and your job. You are becoming the woman that you wanted to be. Keep up the good work.

Love,

Me

To say I’m apprehensive about publishing this letter is true so I won’t try to justify it. I’ll just do it knowing that it all came from a place of hurt where a wound was left. And I will hope that, like my daughter told me, there is healing in it not just for me, but for anyone else who might need it. But I finished copying and pasting it and then noticed that my sister, oh my God, my wonderful, loving sister wrote things that made me weep and I realize how lucky I am to live in a family of brawny, robust and forceful women. So, here goes.

Christy,

Apparently you are under the impression that I welcomed your advice. Don’t make that mistake again. Let me plainly say that I will not get any more ignorant letters from your or your family. Had you bothered to find out the facts and not rush to judgment, you would see just how foolish your letter was. Even when you state “No one but God knows I am writing you” I realized that you didn’t bother to seek council from any other being because, if they had any sense at all, they would have tried to stop you. You didn’t bother to consult your husband, pastor, or best friend? How sad you don’t trust them to have given you sage advice.

You say that you “feel the Lord” told you to write a letter to me. Well, sometimes God allows people to do stupid things in order to teach them a lesson. For example, Balaam and his donkey were used by God to show foolishness. He thought he was doing the right thing, but it took the donkey to make him stop. Peter was willing to fight with the sword and Jesus rebuked him. He told him that he had his own interests at heart. Hopefully, by now you have seen the error of writing that letter and have learned the lesson God had for you.

You couldn’t be more right when you said it was none of your business. You are, in no stretch of the imagination, an outsider. You have someone else’s well being at stake: your daughter. You are clearly her confidant and want the best for her, but your shortsightedness and ignorance found their way into a barely comprehensible letter.

Most interesting is how you, a person who has met my daughter all of two times, think you know that she feels “she was an accident.” Did you sense that all by yourself? Do you have a degree in child psychology? Somehow, I missed the PhD at the end of your name. Again, you even say in that paragraph that you “don’t know all the details” and that was your clue to stop writing. The kind of letter is one that should be written and then thrown away. If all you wanted to do was praise Mallory, then fine. I would have accepted that. If all you wanted to do was point out to me that my daughter was ungrateful, then shame on you. You don’t even know me. You don’t have any clue about my daughter or how I raised her and you don’t know me. You dropped your shit about your daughter’s hurt and financial well being at MY feet. Since when am I in charge of those things? What business is that to me? I don’t concern myself with the financial situation of others and yet you felt the need to let me in on something your daughter and son-in-law would be appalled to know.

You spend time in your letter telling me that Richard Cranium has felt guilt. Did you think that needed to be told to me? Do you think I care? Who do you think you are? Since when were you appointed the disseminator of information about situations that don’t concern me? A trip out there to visit was offered to my daughter. I did not ask for it. You also say that you appreciate family togetherness. How similar we are! I do, too! After her semester was over I was hoping for some family togetherness and I didn’t get it until she returned from an emotionally exhausting trip to a place where she doesn’t know anyone and in a house that is not her home. She wanted to come home early and that didn’t happen. Do you know why that is? Is it, perhaps, because Richard Cranium didn’t want to spend the extra money to send her home? Is it because he didn’t want to send her back on my time frame? He would have known all this information if he would ask, but since he finds it easier to go through a child and be a coward about it, then there are all kinds of miscommunication and IT’S NOT MY FAULT! So what if I’m “harsh” on the phone? You have my DAUGHTER and there’s nothing more important in the world than my children. And yet Richard Cranium refuses to speak to me because he doesn’t like my tone? Too bad! When you are faking parenting, as he is doing with Mallory, then of course one would screw it up and take the easy way out.

Who in this world doesn’t live “paycheck to paycheck”? Most Americans do and why would you dare point this out to me? How dare you do so in that accusatory tone. If you wonder if Mallory thinks your home is nice and Richard Cranium’s home and his other daughter’s toys are abundant, IT’S BECAUSE THEY ARE! And people who appear to have much, have much. Was it a hologram? Did she imagine it?

How ironic that you would tell me that you expect your daughter to be treated like a queen and be surprised when others want the same. In fact, I don’t want my daughter treated like a queen by him. All she ever wanted and needed was to be treated like a daughter. She needs the space to take and take and expect a lot from him and you don’t want her to because you are concerned about finances. This is obvious because you go to great lengths to explain their finances and how hard things are and yet you say that that was not your intention.

You don’t get to validate my feelings with “I’m sorry you took my letter that way”. You get to take responsibility for opening your mouth and offering unsolicited comments. What a joke when you say that you only live in a large home because of an inheritance. Can’t you sell it? Don’t you want to since you seem intent on bailing your daughter out? Or is it easier to go through my daughter and me and not deal with the real problem…spending money when you don’t have it? Don’t you dare lay their burdens of money on me.

You accuse me of trying to punish Richard Cranium. How would that occur? What are you talking about? What does that even mean? You say that you want me to get over the jealousy Mallory feels toward Richard Cranium’s other daughter? Please, let me know how that is done!!! Write a big book about it and let the whole world know. How selfish of you to keep that precious information to yourself. My, the crises that could be avoided with your infinite knowledge of how to raise children. Unfortunately, you forgot to equip your daughter with a backbone. How can you be surprised at her marriage when you saw what you wanted to see? You accuse me of not having the right answers to handle situations concerning Mallory? I don’t have the answers and I certainly don’t need to hear that from a stranger. Is this how you raised your children by getting ignorant letters in the mail from people you didn’t know and then applying that to their upbringing?

News Flash: he DOES owe her. And no amount of money in the world that he could conjure up would be enough. You suggest that “forgiveness can be shown when [I] and [my] husband and your daughter and Richard Cranium can trust each other and communicate with each other with no jealousy”. This is ludicrous in light of the fact that Richard Cranium isn’t even honest with his own wife. You expect ME to come in and fix that? Something wrong in THEIR marriage? That is laughable and so ridiculous I can’t even begin to respond to it.

Finally, you say that you “want the best for her.” What if the best for her hurts your daughter? What if the best for her means that Richard Cranium has to make some huge sacrifices and grow up? Are you going to accept that? Are you going to be responsible for that, because, frankly, I don’t have time or energy to raise your daughter and her husband, too. I’ve been busy.

Last night week I wrote a letter to Mallory and sent it via email to ask her permission to share a different kind of letter here in my April writing exercise.

Let me back up a bit to tell a story. It’s not a warm and fuzzy one, either. Rather, it is a painful time in my life as a parent and it brought to mind the several years I was a single parent to my daughter.

When Mallory contacted her father and arranged to begin a relationship with him I wasn’t at all pleased, but tried to be brave and understanding of it. It’s natural, I thought. This wanting to find out where you come from and what your other parent is like. But I didn’t like it at all. After phone calls and a visit from her sperm donor to us, she got to the point where she wanted to fly to Arizona to his home and spend some time prior to Christmas with him and his wife and their young toddler-age daughter.

This was a strained time for all of our family and there were awkward, tense conversations with Richard Cranium that usually ended in me berating him for not sticking to the plan or doing some monumentally asinine act AND DOING SO WITH MY KID IN HIS PHYSICAL POSSESSION. Obviously, sharing any parenting duty with him was foreign and I have never been accused of sharing toys during playtime. Not in pre-school. Not ever.

So I put my teenage daughter on an airplane and waited in agony until she got home that about a week later to celebrate Christmas and immediately upon her return I received a letter from Sperm Donor’s mother-in-law. A woman I’ve never met who typed me three pages, single-spaced and let me know that my child hadn’t ever said “thank you” for anything and seemed ungrateful during her visit and a lot of other unbelievably ridiculous things. Somehow, while I was scanning the letter, my senses came to me and I called my best friend over to stop me from committing an unspeakable act that would have surely resulted in hopping on a plane myself to crease someone’s skull with a blunt object. Meanwhile, my eldest son called his father at work and suggested that he come home as he described me as a “lion in a cage, pacing back and forth and growling“.

This woman, this NOBODY to me, this STRANGER wrote me a letter and assumed all kinds of things about me. She suggested that God approved of her sending the diatribe and even invited me to call her because, as she wrote: “I do well on the phone.”

To list the numerous mistakes in her wondering if I could call her on the phone and “talk” about these things would take an entire other posting, but I’m certain that my personality shines through enough of my writing to intimate that THAT WAS A HUGE MISCALCULATION ON HER PART.

Bring it on was my first and only thought at that moment. I picked up the phone to call her and my BFF offered some advice that I’ve lived and lived by ever since that moment: “Don’t forget that women, especially, have a terrible problem that prevents them from ever getting anywhere, Kelly. They are always running around trying to get other women to behave. She wants you to BEHAVE and keep your daughter out of her daughter’s life. Her daughter is married to this man and she doesn’t want the distraction. If you try to go line by line of her letter and answer everything and even try to set her straight, she will be winning because she will be making you behave. You don’t have to do this.”

It was too late. Lion in the cage had begun the act of readying herself to protect her cubs and the claws were out. While I didn’t go “line by line” in explanation, I did call and leave a message. When she called back she said, “Hi. This is Christy.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Christy. You know. I’m so-and-so’s mom.”

“Who are you?” I asked again.

“I’m the mother-in-law of Richard Cranium.”

“No. I heard you the first time. I want to know WHO THE HELL ARE YOU to write that letter? Who the hell are you to send such drivel to someone you don’t even know. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO ME?”

As expected, she tried to defend her actions and didn’t really understand where I was coming from, but my intention wasn’t to get her to change her mind about me. The most worthwhile part of the conversation was when I told her how much she offended me by criticizing my parenting.

“You don’t get it, do you? Mallory is my Magnum Opus and you’re nothing but an art critic who can’t even finger paint. You don’t GET to critique me. That’s not your job.”

It didn’t get much better from there, but it was a moment that I’ll never forget because I learned that I am stronger than I originally thought. I learned that when it’s important, I can make the hard choice to confront those who require it. I learned that I am not a pushover or the person who is willing to lie down and become the doormat for life for either the people who’ve wronged me or the people who support them.

When I asked Mallory if I could write about it as a cathartic exercise and wondered what her feelings were she admitted that she read it years ago and said that if it helped anyone else to read that I should do it. Tomorrow, I will publish the letter I wrote back and never sent.