If I were a dog I would be running in a circle, chewing my own tail, and then looking around the room for a chew toy. This is just the way today is going. Scoring a tranquilizer or going on a kennel run should be high on my priority list. What does that make me? A golden retriever? A miniature poodle? A Jack Russell terrier? You’d think I was beyond the idea of writing my blog in bullet form or numbering, but today I am not. Today, I am a hyper dog.

1. Working in a school will ensure that you hear the same phrases over and over again. I’d list them all but if you work in a school you could probably come up with the same ones I have experienced. It’s a universal problem and I could spend a week in a school in Australia and recognize the language as being similar to what we hear in North America (see that, Canada? WE’RE TOGETHER IN THIS!). 

What I keep learning is that it all comes down to beliefs. Teachers don’t want to enforce certain rules because they don’t believe in them. We end up projecting our values and norms onto students in our schools. I see it in our government right now when determining how we’re going to handle the proposal of health care. I’m not sure everyone in this country believes that we all deserve health care. Until that belief is there, we’re going to stop the work that is happening to get. (I do NOT want to start an entire discussion with the interwebs about health care in the United States. Dear sweet Jesus knows I don’t. Even dear sweet Buddha knows it. So does Confucius. Especially Confucius.)

2. One of my sons has a teacher who is giving extra credit for bringing in tissues and colored markers and canned food. I have so much of an issue with that right now and it’s not because we’re in a recession. Of course, we’re “in a recession” because I still have a job. If I were jobless then I’d say we’re “in a depression”. Anyway, I had to re-evaluate whether I did this as a teacher or not and I can’t remember. I probably did. What’s the statute of limitations on apologizing to my former students? SORRY, KIDS AND YOUR PARENTS. THAT WAS CARELESS OF ME.

3. Speaking of former students, one of them invited me to her pinning ceremony because she is getting her degree in nursing. Unfortunately, I can’t attend. Jamie is one of the students I had in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade (that was back when I looped with my kids and it was pretty amazing to see them grow in that amount of time) and she knows all about my friendship with Allen. 

4. Shorty needs to just go ahead and call 911. He’s on fire on the dance floor. This is a constant concern of mine when I hear that song.

5. I have a LOFT giveaway going on in the review section of my blog which can be found here. Go and vote on your favorite outfit I created with the help of a stylist and you could win a $200 gift card from LOFT. That’s TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS. What dog gives away that kind of gift, huh?

This post is one of those that I probably won’t ever go back and read through again. Unless there’s lots of comments that make me ask, “What the hell did I write about that made them say that in the comments?”

Hyper dog, people. I can’t help it. I feel safe here so I know you’ll be okay with all this. CIRCLE OF TRUST.

It’s annoying when people are, well…annoying. It’s not everyone, but lately it seems like there is a full moon every single day and The Crazy is just oozing out all over the place. It’s like Annoying is the word of the day. Like my life is sponsored by Annoying. Like this message is brought to you by ANNOYING.

To the neighbor lady who yelled at my dog tonight as I was walking her and she stopped to sniff her flowers and she screamed, “Get outta there!” to her but then refused to answer me and engage with me, a human, when I said in my best Al Pacino Lindsay Lohan Robert de Niro voice, “Are you talking to me? ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?” – May a thousand cats piss in your yard and then take a dump.

To my stomach who appears to want to be full-on lactose intolerant and won’t let me even eat a piece of cheese – May you just stop that. Right now. 

To the father who got mad at me when I was disciplining his son and he told me that he’d gladly come up to school and tell me how to “do that damn job of yours” – May your brain cells touch one another so you can “do that damn job of yours” of parenting.

To the media who fail to remember Journalism 101 and fact-check stories – May your stories come back to bite you in the ass because you get called on it.

To the people who butt in line even though they’re grown ups and do it to children who know unfair when they see it – May your debit card be declined the next time you do that.

To the Facebook friends who use capital letters for every update – May your days in class when grammar was taught come back to you so that you STOP YELLING EVERY SINGLE UPDATE.

To the chili with extra kidney beans I made for dinner – May you be doused in Beano the next time I make you.

What in the world have I been doing that keeps me from tending to my poor, neglected blog? Hunting for sharks with a paper clip and a piece of string a la MacGuyver, of course!

You know me better than that. This isn’t a confession post. In fact, I’m thinking of this as more of a purging of my brain since time has limited me (see how I go shifting the blame to something as arbitrary as time?) to doing some writing. When I get stuck in that rut I remember that I’m just supposed to write. Just WRITE. And not think about how hot this laptop is getting on my legs. Or if I’ve taken my vitamins today.

I’ve not taken them. This will be a random brain swamp clearing.

We have many issues in school with cell phones but one that I’m beginning to hate, and I mean HATE WITH A BURNING PASSION, is when kids get in trouble at school, text their parent, and then I have an angry mother or father in my office yelling because their son or daughter has been “wronged” and I don’t even know what the story is. This lack of taking responsibility on the part of our students (the collective “our” that belongs to society) is maddening. Kids aren’t dealing with the issues, they’re just calling mom or dad to get them out of trouble. Double UGH with a side of WTH. I mean, really.

Maybe I should number the rest of these. Some people seem to like the order and neatness of that.

2. One of my students is reading a book called “Dread Locks: Dark Fusion #1″ and she asked that I read it with her so we can talk about it. How can someone say no to that? They can’t. There. I’ll answer the question for you. They just simply can’t. So, I’m reading some adolescent fiction right now that I picked up from our school library. For adult reading, I’m reading “Julie and Julia” by Julie Powell. To feel like a real geek who is reading a book based on a blog I’m reading it on my Kindle. It’s really kind of awesome to do that even though I like the feel of paper in my hands now and then.

3. Candles. Does anyone use them anymore? Are they good to give as gifts? Personally, I think they’re kind of crappy to give but that doesn’t stop me from having them even though I know they’re horrible to burn inside a home because of the black marks they can leave on the walls. I’m asking for a friend who always gives them as gifts and I give her crap about it so any help is appreciated especially if you side with me on this.

4. The People of Walmart website. I am unashamedly checking it out nearly every day and i’m in awe of what people choose to leave their homes in knowing they might be photographed by an unsuspecting cell phone camera.

5. I’ve lost several pounds. It’s not because I’m trying too hard, either. Isn’t that annoying? Don’t you want to smack me now? But honestly, it’s stress and forgetting to eat lunch now that I’m back at work. That’s ok, though. The Cafeteria French Fries have had their time living on my thighs and that’s quite enough of that, thank you very much!

6. Music. Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of “Angry Johnny” by Poe as well as the thump-thump music of Caspar and the sweet, sweet sounds of Diane Birch. This appears to be summing up my moods which, now that I’ve listed them, are bi-polar at best.

7. I haven’t made a quiche in over 8 months. The last time I baked one of them after doing it from scratch it was horrid and everything in my life appeared to be going wrong at the time. My mother said (dramatically, I might add), “I can taste your disappointment IN LIFE in this quiche.” I believe I am scarred from this experience.

8. My BlogHer Beauty Hacks post is up about how the young teen girls are dressing these days and I am so happy about it. In fact, I compliment the girls I see in school on it every day so they get positive reinforcement.

9. Last year I had a difficult time with a student and she truly gave me a hard time. It was over-the-top dramatic and I laughed it off especially when I found out that she really hated me once she told a co-worker that her dad has a crush on me. Now, I don’t deal with that stuff. Translation: I ignore it. I’m not about to date a parent of one of my students. EVER. It’s just weird to me. This girl spent her year narrowing her eyes at me and always acting out in front of me and basically being a real pill. It got to the point where I had my intern do all her discipline because she acted out way worse when I was involved. This week she gave me a handwritten letter telling me that I’m her inspiration and apologizing for her past behavior and this:

You’re encouragement and enthusiasm and attitude has changed me and made me see that I am much more of a person I thought I was and I want to thank you for everything you have done for me. I gladly thank you because now I have someone in my life I can look up to and someday follow the footsteps of to be something in life so thanks!

10. Well, damn. That was a great way to end my week when I think no one is benefiting from what I do.

Who said that all paragraphs need to have cohesion? Oh, all my former English teachers. Well, they didn’t have a blog and I do SO THERE.

One of the fun things about writing is that you can have all sorts of categories. I went to dinner with a new friend Jeannette (who does, indeed, eat more than just spaghetti, she eats Thai noodles!) this week and she has one that I want to steal but I won’t. Basically, it has to do with the fact that she isn’t sponsored by anything on that post. The reason I bring this up is that sometimes I sit to write and OH, WITH THE WRITING FLOW, THAR SHE BLOWS! and other times I can’t seem to make a sentence stick without too many cuss words so I have to re-think it until it sounds like I am coherent and can string a bunch of damn words together and then I realize that I should just start with a category. Just now, when I sat down to write I realized that I almost clicked on the “Feelin’ Good Wednesday” category and my brain registered, “It’s Thursday, asshole“ and that immediately made me realize why I drink margaritas on Fridays. It’s because of Thursdays. It’s always Thursday’s fault.

Health Care Reform has brought out the absolute crazy in people. First of all, we need to get some people some combs for their hair and maybe some bleach to clean their clothes because PEOPLE, YOU LOOK A MESS. The funny thing is that when some television station snatches them up it’s a combination I’m-Going-To-Reiterate-My-Yelling-Into-Softer-Spoken-Words and Someone-Give-Them-a-Makeover-Please and it’s really quite bizarre. I may or may not have mentioned that a few weeks ago when I was in Chicago that I got invited to have lunch with Valerie Jarrett, a Senior Advisor to President Obama. I also may or may not have mentioned that before our luncheon I was talking to Loralee who expressed to me how nervous she was about saying TA-TAs in front of Valerie Jarrett. If you read her long-ass post today you will get a view of a real person struggling with the issues of health care and insurance. In the meantime, I’m starting a petition to get people to brush their hair before going out in public.

The best parts of my job all involve the human aspect of it. When I sit down with families to register their child for high school and they decide on the classes I guide them through it’s a phenomenal thing. Last week on the very first day of registration Leah came in with her mom. Leah pilfered away her freshman year and bounced around from class to class (“This is too haaaard.” she’d whine and if she didn’t get her way she’d just fail it.) and then she bounced from school to school. They’ve since come back to my high school and Leah spent the time waiting for me outside my office texting like a fiend on her cell phone. She took off when it was her turn to come in and register with her mother and I informed her that she’d be a Freshman again because of her lack of credits. She flew off the handle, cussing at her mother, stomping around, and then she walked out even when her mom told her to come back and sit down. Her mom sat in my office chair in tears lamenting how she’d done everything wrong and that she doesn’t know what to do with her. “Well, first off,” I began quietly, “you might want to take that cell phone from her. Why does she get to sit here and make social plans with her friends when she can’t make it to the 10th grade?” In all honesty, I’m glad I can say things like that in my line of work and not get my teeth knocked in but there are days when I think someone is going to be pissed at me for shooting them straight. The meeting, like so many that I have, ended with me comforting a parent and offering tissues and encouraging words. TEENAGERS? YOU ARE ON NOTICE FROM ME RIGHT NOW. I mean, uh, let the school year begin!

Learned: there is such a thing as a second choice booty call. I asked this question of everyone I knew last week. This week I learned:  there also is such a thing as a person who can renege the original booty call. What you will NOT learn: how I discovered this new learning.

This needs to be a thing: Brownies + Nutella + glitter. Someone needs to get on that.

It’s great how when I mention hair I get suggestions (thank you for the diffuser advice!) and yet I’m struggling still because of this weird curl/crimp look of the front of my hair and the perfect ringlet curls in the back. So every day I’ve started curling the front of it with a curling iron and it gets out of control until I’m late for work and all I can hear in my head is Daryl Hannah’s twangy Southern voice from “Steel Magnolias” when she says, “I promise. My personal problems will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.” and then I laugh. Because of the voices in my head. 

SOMEONE may need some medication due to this. SOMEONE may also need to write better paragraphs. SOMEONE also took a picture of said hair with her phone again.

Just some snippets of conversations from the last few days…

…

“Thanks for taking my pictures for me. I like the ones you have of you in this frame.”

“Ahh, yes. Well, it’s because I look much better in larger pixels. In person I’m kind of hideous.”

…

“I’m going to lunch with a friend, boys. You are on your own for food, but there is sandwich stuff in the fridge.”

“Who is it? Who are you going to lunch with?”

“My friend Travis. Well, he’s a new friend.”

(sing-song) “Moooom’s going on a daaaaaate.”

“Travis is gay. This is not a date. He is just a friend of mine.”

“You never know, Mom. You could turn him. That’s a pretty dress you have on.”

…

Me: Did you eat one of the cookies on the counter?

Mallory: Yeah. Why? Were you saving them for something?

Me: … (I can’t breathe at this point. I’m doubled over in laughter and I yell for her brother to come into the kitchen.) “MORGAN!”

Morgan: Yeah?

Me: Mallory ate one of the cookies that was on the counter.

Morgan: … (He can’t stop laughing. He turns several shades of red from this massive case of the giggles.)

Mallory: WHAT? (She goes to the cabinet to grab the cookies.)

Me: Those are new dog treats. They just look like Oreo cookies. Morgan left them there thinking you might eat them.

Mason comes into the room. He catches up with the conversation and we all realize that more than one “cookie” is actually missing from the package.

Me: Did you eat one, too! OH, LORDY. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. OH, MY GOD. YOU KIDS ATE DOG TREATS.

Mason: (Puts four fingers up in the air.) Four. I ate four.

I stopped laughing long enough to pull out my camera phone and get them viewing the dog treat / cookie box from whence my entertainment came.