Part of my Trying To Be A Responsible Humanoid is cutting down on gas (doing a LOT of walking both for health reasons and not wasting fuel) and combining meals with my mom when she and I decide to eat dinner together. That extra mouth to feed (read: the 8 year old nephew) isn’t really hurting me except that he’s so fussy that my sister gave my mother a list of foods that he’s sure to eat.

All the boys get along great because I have learned, years ago, to tune them out when they’re playing loudly and I can’t stand one more second of them arguing about who is the best character from Star Wars. While letting them swim today I was reading my novel and only heard them start to get loud with each other when their voices intimated that they were name-calling.

“Wookie!”

“EWOK!”

Last night, while my boys and my nephew ate pizza, the people in the room with taste (read: the adults) enjoyed this salad:

We first had it at a little restaurant named the Plaid Rooster and it was delightful. The last time she was there my mom grabbed a menu and we shopped off the list.

Ingredients:

a spring mix of greens

grilled chicken marinated in pineapple juice and mandarin orange juice

chunks of pineapple

mandarin oranges

red onion

fresh strawberries

sliced almonds

sunflower seeds

creamy poppyseed dressing (we got store bought T. Marzetti’s Poppyseed Dressing but if you must have something homemade because you’re that ambitious, try this one)

I find that principles have no real force except when one is well fed.
-Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)

My mother has finally sat down to type up the following recipes that will surely add poundage to the average human being by simply skimming eyes over the ingredient list. If you still want to make these recipes after that then please sign your name to this form leaving me completely devoid of all responsibility from your future health detriments.

X_______________________________

All further correspondence can be sent to my mother via me, so leave a comment here for MochaMomma’s Momma who brings you two fabulously decadent recipes.

Fried Macaroni & Cheese
(the amounts and kinds of cheese can be adjusted to taste and availability – if you like lots of cheese use lots of cheese. The cheese also gives the dish more body so it keeps its shape when being fried and doesn’t just turn into little soft blobs)

3 cups (uncooked) elbow macaroni
2 cups grated Cheddar
1 cup Gruyere cheese
1 cup some other kind of hard block cheese
3 eggs, beaten
1/2 cup sour cream
4 tablespoons butter, cut into pieces
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup milk
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Cook and drain the macaroni and put it back in the pot. Add the cheeses and mix well while the macaroni is still hot. In a separate bowl, combine the remaining ingredients and add to the macaroni mixture. Pour macaroni mixture into a casserole dish and bake for 30 to 45 minutes. Top with additional cheese, if desired.

After the macaroni and cheese has cooled (I cooked it the night before and refrigerated it), cut it into pieces about 1” square (I like them hors d’oeuvres-sized). Set up a little assembly line with 3 separate dishes or bowls: 1 with flour, 1 with an egg beaten with a little water, and 1 with bread crumbs.

In a large fry pan, heat an inch or two of oil (I like a mixture of peanut and canola oils). Dredge the cubes through the flour, then the egg, then the bread crumbs and fry in the hot oil for a minute or two on each side. Drain on paper towels for minute or two until they cool enough that you don’t burn your mouth and then enjoy. In the stillness of the moment, listen to your arteries slamming shut.

Love Lard (from Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love)

1 loaf white bread (I use bakery bread - it has more body; not so mushy)
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 pound of bacon

Cut the crusts off the bread and then cut each into thirds (each strip should be about the width of a slice of bacon).
Cut the bacon strips in half.
Smear soup right out of the can on each strip of bread.
Lay the piece of bread onto a half slice of bacon and roll up.
Keep going until you run out of something - it should all come out about even though.

Put all the little roll-ups on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for one hour.
Share grudgingly.

The Sweet Potato Queens have a website, too.

This morning when she came over to make Sunday breakfast for my family I overheard her while she was on her cell phone.

Mom: You know those bumper stickers that say In Case Of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned? Well I need one that reads In Case Of Rapture Can I Have Your Car?

That’s just the kind of woman she is. Y’all have no idea.